Pretty good, just here are a few tips you forgot about (i dont know if you have another video that does mention it):
1. ENERGY MANAGEMENT - If you run out of energy in the middle of an engagement, you will die 9 / 10 times. Make sure you use your armor, stealth and power (sprinting, jumping, armor punch) modes when you can and if it is necessary, but always save a little for an unexpected fight. Also when you run out of energy, keep in mind that you cant sprint or jump very high.
2. AIM DOWN SIGHTS - You touched on the topic of making every shot and move count, but i noticed you didn't practice it too much. This game tries to punish people who try to shoot from the hip. Aiming down sight will greatly increase your accuracy as compared to hip fire, as obvious as it seems. If you look in the video, you didnt start really hitting your enemies until you were about a meter away. At which point youll look like swiss cheese. Also, the module aim enhance greatly reduces recoil, which helps as well.
Also on the commentary itself, try to see if you can talk a little faster, and take a little less time on each topic.
But besides that, good job.