Wasteland journals
Entry 1
Have decided to start documenting my travels and deeds in the wasteland, after my dad died, I realised that I was one in a few that would remember him if not the only one. The Only person I've got to remember me is my dog dogmeat. I miss you dad but I won't get all wet now I'll make you proud you raised me.
Entry 2
Found a raider outpost today, near the garbage dump were we found dogmeat, I went back there in hope of finding some more supplies or at least scrap metal to trade for supplies back at megaton, when we got close dogmeat started growling then I smelt it on the air that sickly sweet strange scent of that strange meat we found in Andale, I could never be sure if the meat was human or mutant but either way when I saw all those dead body's I knew I would never have the guts to find out.
Dogmeat ran off ahead of me and didn't stop when I called him, so as you can expect I had to go after him, dad I swear I did my best but they got him first, I couldn't believe it I felt sick, I started crying, I lost dogmeat I couldn't handle it I blacked out. I've only been awake about three hours and I can only guess what happened up till now I assume in my fit of madness I snuck into the camp when it got dark and killed them all, dad I killed them all, like when they killed those families to eat, I made them feel fear that they made those families they didn't kill feel, the ones they kept to trade as slaves, dad I made them human again not monsters, Humans that could be stopped that could be killed. Then after this moment of realisation I heard him, my chest filled with relief I was so happy to hear him, it was dogmeat but dad he????. He's been pretty beat up looks like they just wanted to torture him for fun, the second I saw the burn marks and blood, I fell to my knees again and beat an already dead raider's head to an indistinguishable mess against the ground, I only stopped when dogmeat got up enough strength to lick my hand, I came too again though still sobbing I scooped up dogmeat in my arms and made my way to megaton as fast as I could, Dad I promise I did, but Doc Church says it wasn't fast enough and that it doesn't look good, he'll make threw the night but unless I can get some med x and stimpacks for him, he won't make it to the end of the week. Doc won't use his supplies on an animal. Dad what should I do, where do I go, dad I'm scared.

I will Be writing more of these but untill I do Come Check out my site I will upload them there as well, dropdeadcomedians.comhttp://dropdeadcomedians.com

This is pretty good =]

So... Many... Run-on sentences... I suggest replacing most of those commas with periods. Besides that, the first entry was far too short, and you have a few unnecessarily capitalized words. Also, a common mistake on these forums is lack of proper spacing. Here, when making a paragraph, you should hit enter twice

like

so. This is because the tab key doesn't work here, and also because it doesn't double space automatically when you hit enter once, like I've seen some sites do.

It wasn't very well written at all.

Like Ambrose said, so many, run on, sentences, and superfluous, comas.

TOO MANY COMMAS

Anyway, it struck me as pretty lazy on your part to just say [the character] blacked out instead of writing up an actual action sequence, or at least some sort of account of how the battle went down. Simply saying that you assume you snuck in after dark isn't good enough.

Thats about all i can say about it, other than that it was just uninteresting in general. Try reading it out loud to yourself and you may find it easier to locate the proper place to end a sentence.

I will take on bored your Critisims and hopefully improve my story as it goes along.

Thank for the time you took to read it.

Nooooo!!! dogmeat died....................