well this is my first try at something like this, but i love writing. i love making up stories and such, so yea. here goes!

Thursday, 10.04.77

My whole world has been turned upside down.... I wake up one morning in my home of nineteen years, only to be hunted down and threatened with death. All because my dad left! Gone.... He was all I had... My only family. And now he just leaves? Without me? Why would he do that..... I just don't understand it. Amata woke me telling me I had to get out of the Vault, and fast. She said her dad was looking for me, and that he killed Jasper (not sure of his name...). She gave me 10mm pistol and told me to go through her fathers office. So I make my way to his office, and once I get near I heard Amata screaming! I ran to her voice and there was Amata and her dad holding her down with a gun to her head. Without thinking I rushed in to her aid, her dad heard me and spun around to defend himself. Too late, I squeezed the trigger and he fell dead, blood polling around his lifeless body. Amata screamed, and ran away. I should've gone after her but I had to get out of there! I make it through the Overseers office and through his secret tunnel, and away from my home. Now I'm on my own, In this huge empty...Wasteland.

This is just meant to be like an Intro kinda thing to see how I did. Kinda

his name is Jonas

Yea,pretty
much,the
beginning,of
Falout3,but
if,you
make,it
different,I
will,be
happy,and
the,Jonas
thing,did
u
play
Fallout3
just,asking
not,trying
to,be
mean

i am,
so sorry but,
what, is
wrong, with
the way , you
are, typing?

Are, you,
handi, capped?



As for the Fan Fic.... It needs improvement immensely.

Haha very funny. NO my keyboard's space bar wasn't working. The story kindof needs to be changed, not like the main storyline of F3,but hes called Marcus,the rebel, not lone wanderer so it might be different. Needs a little more detail,but good effort. OH yea WOOtz, my IQ is 154, and I have no handicaps sooooooo yea,
My
space
bar
wasn't
working
youd
no
that
if
you
read
tempering
steel
But all better now.

WOOTz That Was Uncalled For, You Dont Call Someone Handicapped As An Insult. Just Totally Uncalled For.

Well, its a improvement from when you first began. Try to avoid typing caps in every word you use like this.


"Orgrothor Bolted Down The Hallway, The Six Daedroth Chasing Him"

"Orgrother bolted down the hallway, the six Deadroth chasing him!"

Also, you should try to make some parts seem more terrifying, let the reader feel the emotion.

"Amata screamed, and ran away!"

how about...

"Amata's face lit up with horror at the sight of her dead father! She turned and bolted out the door, screaming!"

Beleive me, just these little improvements can make the thing much better. You do seem to have ideas, you just need to be able to represent them to us.


-Mr. Boom Warhead Eater

okay so here's another stab at it....

10.05.77

What is there to say about the first day I spent in the Wastes? When I first stepped out of the Vault, I was blinded. The sunlight tore through me, it felt as if my head was splitting apart! I had never known pain like that, and at first I thought that I would be irreversibly blind. I then decided to just sit right out front of my old home, as if trying to hold on to the last remnants of my old life. I sat there, wallowing in my self-pity and fear, for days. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to leave behind my home and all that was familiar to me. Eventually, on the third day, some internal force made me stand up and start walking. I had to find water, or else I would've just rotted there, right out front of my old home. So, I walked aimlessly... wandering through this barren land. Every step was a battle, but the voice inside me just yelled "KEEP GOING" over and over, so I kept walking. After a long day of heat and walking, the night fell, and that was my savior. I came upon a ridge that overlooked a valley, and in this valley I saw a fire. FIRE! I was so relieved that I had found another human, that I ran down to greet them. As soon as I came within eyesight I realized that I had made a very fatal error. These "people" who I thought would be my saviors were something entirely different. One of them was on patrol and saw me coming before I could react, he snuck around back of me while I was making my way to the camp and knocked me unconscious..... I woke up the next morning next to a half-mutilated corpse, and I was behind bars. Trapped. Imprisoned by people that I would later come to as the Paradise Falls slavers.

Okay, so it isn't bad, per se, but it's way, way too short. I would not call one giant paragraph like this a chapter. It's half of one, at best. Try fixing this by adding dialogue, detail, or just generally lengthening your progress. Another thing, which is more just my own personal complaint and doesn't reflect on your writing at all, is that I hate the first-person perspective. I'd give you more criticism, but I have a head-ache right now and have no wish to go into any further detail.

GOD I need a red bull. Yes, good. Not fllowing the storyline! Details, good. Needs to be a bit longer. Dialogue, space it up, It will become a VERY good story!

OHHHHH, I'm guessing you don't like mine then

THe 1st person thing

Meh, it isn't terrible for me to read something in first-person perspective, but I despise writing in it. I just feel that you can't describe enough with it, and it's chaos trying to manage more than one character from that perspective, which is what most people try, and fail to do. So long as you realize the limitations of it, and work well with what you DO have, it's fine. It's just people tend to try to take on too much with the first-person perspective. They try to write it how they would third-person, without realizing that they're two completely different styles with different rules.

That was..... amazing. What are your stories, they must have oodles of detail

Well, if you follow the link in my sig, it will take you to my Oblivion fic on fanfiction.net. I also have a Fallout fic on this site, but it's also on fanfiction. While I do like to put a lot of detail into things, it isn't usually the objects or characters I pay special attention to, but their thoughts and the overall story. For instance, I'm terrible at describing someone's appearance. So instead of trying to describe what I know I'm bad at, I generalize and give a basic view of that person, but delve deep into their thoughts and actions, so that the person reading can get a real feel for the characters personality, not their looks. I think describing is hard because it's always difficult to write what you have in your head. It's much easier to give a general description so that the reader can imagine the character instead of you going into a lot of boring, tedious details.

That said, boring, tedious details will always be numerous, as that's just a part of writing. The trick is knowing how to change what's normally boring, to exciting. Always leave a little bit to the imagination and describe just enough so someone can understand what's going on, but not enough so that they lose interest and move on to something else. Most people reading have short attention spans, so you have to be sure to describe in the right place and skip over other areas that would bore the regular person.

And now I feel like I'm repeating myself... Ah well. Follow the link to see my writing. Be warned though, it's very much a shock and awe sort of beginning, one that's either going to get you interested or turn you off real quick. If you want to know anything else, just pm me. I'm always here to help.

K, thanx. Will get to that effect shortly.

yea i know its a bit short but i'm just spreading my wings i guess haha... i kinda plan to stay with this guy and develop it more, and add more characters and dialogue etc etc.

but yea. i'm just spreading my wings here.

and also, i really like in R.A. Salvatore's books which feature Drizzt that at the start of each chapter or new book there is like a journal entry written by Drizzt. I always enjoyed those a lot and I kinda mimicked it unconciously haha.


and and also can i anyone help me out with dialogue? like a link or something to proper format for dialogue, it would be really helpful in the next installment. its gonna be LONG and yea, dialogue is essential

10.07.77
“Hey! Wake up!”

I feel this dull thud against my ribs, something tells me that it should hurt, but I never feel the pain.

Thump.

There it is again and once again no pain, just the dull thud of foot against my ribs. I opened my eyes only to see the very steel toed boot that had just been kicking me. He yells at me again and I somehow manage to drag myself up off the floor. “Wh-What happened” I asked. “You stumbled upon our camp in the middle of the night; Rhyno over there had to knock you out.” Then, almost inaudible the strange slaver said “I’m sorry about this kid, by the looks of you, you come from a vault.
This must not have been the welcome you were expecting.”

“No” I said. “I wasn’t sure what to expect really…”

“Well you better get used to it punk! You’re a slave now.” Then as he walked away he gave me a wink.
Later that night, while I was lying in my bed gazing at the stars, I heard a slight rustle somewhere out in the darkness near the cage. At first I felt afraid, not having any idea what kind of monstrous creatures where out in the Wastes, but then I saw it was the same slavery that had talked to me earlier.

“Hey kid”

“Uh hey…”

“You’re probably wondering why I am showing such generosity to you, right? Well…. It is hard to explain really, I don’t even understand it.” A trace of sympathy runs through his voice. The slaver is old. Almost 40 years old to be exact, and that’s old out on the Wastes. His face is scarred and rough from countless days scouring the Wastes.

“But anyways, what the hell were you doing out there, in the Wastes?” he asked me, his voice changing back to the gruff old mans.
“Well… It’s a long story. I was raised in a Vault, and shortly after my nineteenth birthday, my Dad just left. It came as a total shock to me, the Overseer always said that you’re born in the vault and you die in the vault. But anyways, the Overseer and the guards were looking for me and they killed one of my Dads friends, Jonas. So I ran…. And yea long story short, I ran into you only a day after I had left the vault.” My voice was barely a whisper…. And I had to fight back tears the entire time. A huge lump had formed in my throat and I could barely breathe.

“C-Can I have some water?” I asked the slaver.

“Sure kid, I suppose it’s the least I could do” he said, handing me the water.

“So, now it’s your turn to tell a story. “ I said with a mouth half full of water.

“Ha yea right kid, not the time nor the place” his voice back to the coarse old man’s again. “Get some sleep kid. That looks like a nasty bump on your head.”

I took his advice and immediately laid myself down on the raggedy mattress, but still it would be many hours before I had digested all that had happened to me….

Hey. Try to space out the dialouge so its not to hard to read. ust go to edit, and press the enter key on whatever.