Rebellion in the Empire

Post » Thu May 19, 2011 11:44 pm

Rebellion in the Empire

4E 576
Prologe
The day was cold and windy, the force's of Skyrim and Hammerfell stood together, against the forces of the Empire. The two force's held their ground, as the commanders road along their force's for one last inspection. One of the Empire's commanders road along, as he checked his Legionnaire's for any sign of deserting, "Today we stand before the might of Skyrim and Hammerfell, they think that they have been mistreated, but they have not seen the full might of the Empire!", the crowd raised their weapons as they cheered at the commanders moral booster. Across the frozen field in the treeline, the Nordic Commader road along his force's also checking them for once more, "We shall show the Empire that we cannot be silenced any longer, we shall have our freedom!", the nords and redguards raised their weapons as they too cheered their commander.

As the commanders finished checking their forces, the signal was give to the legionnaire's to move out, and head towards their final battle. The Redguards and Nords heckled the oncoming Legions, as the Nordic archer's fired their first vollies into the legions. The legionnaire's continued as their friends and comrade's fell to the ground, some screaming in aggony, while others just layed there motionless. The second volly was fired into the front of the legion's as more and more legionnaire's fell to the ground.

The Legion's commander sat in his tent as continuous messanger's rushed to his tent, with messages from the front, "M'lord another message from the front, it seem's that the legion's are unable to get near the rebel's as they continue to fire volly after volly into our force's", the messanger walked out of the tent with a worried look on his face. The commander stood and walked out of his tent, as his two body guards stood at attension, and a group formed around him, "Our force's have been unable to get near the rebels, because of the continuous vollies from their archer's, I'am calling for all force's present, to gather their gear and head to the front with me and my legion!", the group looked at the commander and then at each other, as they thought of what to do. One man stood out from the crowd kneeling before the commander, "M'lord I shall follow you to the end, along with my legion", the commander knoded and layed his hand of the man's shoulder, "Thank you General Hort, your legion will be greatly needed!", the rest of the group kneeled as well, and promised their legions to the commander also.

As the day wore on and the vollies continued to rain down on the legionnaire's the legion commanders, began to fall back to their starting positions, while the Nords and Redguards stood their ground. The day turned to night before the Legion's commander finally made his way to the front. One of the legion commander's road to his camp furrious, the camp was quiet and calm, but the legion commander's presence made the camp curious. The legion commander entered the commanders tent furious, "General Cyris, my men can no longer hold against the Nord and Redguard archer's I demand that we move back and regroup, we have to many wounded!", General Cyris sat at his table and lowered his reading glasses to the commander, "General Octovian, I know our force's have been weakened by the continuous vollies of arrows. But I promise you, that tomorrow morning our force's shall rain supreme!", General Octovian looked at Syris with a curious look, "If you insist, then I shall try and hold out till tomorrow, but I will move my legionnaire's from the battlefield if we dont make any progress", Octovian pounded his fist against his chest and walked out of the tent, making his way back to his legion.

The next day while the legion's still slept, a group of redguards made their way into the legion's lines, "Yorick move your group and burn their weapons tents while me and the rest search for the commander's", yorich knoded at his fellow Redguard, "May the Nine go with you Thoron", the two parted ways as they made their way to their targets. Yorick looked at his small group of about four men, as they spotted the weapons tents, "Ok men we light the tents and get out, nothing more, this is just a raid", the men knoded and quietly made their way to the three weapons tents, "This is going to make them wish they had never come here" one redguard said, as he helped torch a tent, "The empire brought this on themself's, their is no need for this fighting", the redguards finished torching the tents as they swiftly made their way back to their lines.

Over near Commander theimis's tent, Thoron and his group studied the area. The tent was guarded by two guards, while two others patrolled around the tent, "Tor, you and Kylis takeout the two patrolling guards, while the rest follow me, we'll take out the guards near the tent", the redguards knoded and split up following the guards and moving around the other. As Tor and Kylis followed the two guards, they finally striked two guards, Tor pierced the tall guard's chain-mail on his neck, with a daggar, while Kylis cut the throat of the other. The two redguards made their way back to the line, while they waited for Thoron and the others to return.

Later in the morning the legions and Rebels stood against eachother once more, the archer's were once again ready to fire their vollies into the oncoming force. Commader Cyris perched on his horse grabbed his spy glass from his servant, and looked towards the rebels line's, "Today we shall crush these rebels. They shall be no threat to your families after this battle, for we have something they want!", Cyris motioned to some servants, who grabbed some chains and walked over infront of the legionnaire's. The nordic commander King Gothna, watched has he spotted some redguards with chains around their necks, "This is unacceptable..We shall take every legionnaire's life during this battle, we shall give little and take MUCH!" Gothna motioned to one of his messanger's to come over, "Tell our Redguard allies, that we shall attack once the signal is give. And tell them that NO legionnaire's shall remain breathing after the battle!", the messanger knoded, and hurried to tell the redguards, who were on each flank of the Nord King.

The hour finally came, when the signal was given. The nordic archer's fired their vollies into the legionnaire's as they had done the day before, but the legionnaire's continued their advance towards the nord and redguard line's. King Gothna looked to his force's as another volly of arrow's pierced into the legions force's, "Give them no ground, we shall take their last breath from them, we shall not give them our's!", wolf-gar signalled for his commander's to move back into the forrest, as the legions got continued to move forward. Commander Cyris continued forward with his legion, as they began to fire their arrow's into the rebel force's, "Give them nothing, make them wish they had never stood-up against the might of the empire!".

As the legion's pressed forward and the rebel's continued to move back into the forrest, the legion's archer's arrow's became useless. The arrows were not piercing the thick forrest tree's leaves, the Breton mage's that the rebel's had hired, began casting spells at the legionnaire's as they made their way into the thick dense forrest. The time was around noon, as the legions pressed on, and the rebel's were no where to be found?

It seemed that the whole rebel army had vanished into the forrest, but the legion commanders ordered to continue forward. The forrest was dense, it was hard for such heavily armored troops to move. "Dont stop now men, we shall catch them", a voice said as some legionnaire's began to get caught on branch's and other shrubs. King Wolf-Gar and his force's watched quietly as the front of the legion's walked passed, concentraiting more on not getting stuck, than where the enemy was. Several rebel archer's pulled their string's back as a small group of legionnaire's walked by, "No it is not time yet, wait till they make it to the meadow", a voice said quietly as the archer's rested.

The forrest was quiet, the only sounds were those of frightened deer and other creatures fleeing from the sound of the legionnaire's. Commander Cyris was forced to dismount his horse, as the forrest, began to get even thicker, "Where are these damn rebels, they could'nt have just disappeared?", cyris said squinting as he looked around with his sword drawn. As the legion's made their way out of the forrest, and came apon the meadow, an elf hopped up from the meadow and ran off from the legion's, "Look a its a rebel spy, get him!", the nearby legionnaire's looked to where the legionnaire commander was pointing and spotted what looked to be a bosmer, "Hurry we've got to get him before he can lead us to the rebels!", a legionnaire said, as they began to chase it.

The commander's had no say in the matter as their soldier's chased after the bosmer. Even behind the commander's order's to stop, they too wanted to capture the bosmer. "Wait you fools!", a commander said as he was knocked off his horse by a passing legionnaire. The legions rushed forward, as they continued to follow the bosmer, even though they had lost sight of it. The legionnaire's finally halted, as they caught their breath. The commanders road up on their horse's furrious, "Get into formation NOW!", one commander yelled to his legionnaire's, "Form up IMMEDIATLY!", another yelled. The legionnaire's began to form up somewhat ashamed at their act, but they were quickly interupted by the sound of thousands of arrows. The sun was high, as the commanders and legionnaire's looked up, at the incoming volly of arrows, "ATTACK" a voice yelled, as thousands of heavily armored nords and redguards charged out infront of the legionnaire's.

The commander's tired to form their legions, but the rebels smashed into the legionnaire's with everything they had. The commander's looked behind to only see rebels coming from behind as well. Commander Cyris looked around at his force's as they fell to the ground, at the sword or axe of a rebel, "Break their advance!", cyris yelled before being kocked to the ground by a redguard, "You shall die Legion scum!", the redguard yelled before being struck from behind by a legionnaire's sword, "Thank you soldier, you shall be rewarded", the legionnaire knoded and followed Cyris back into the battle. While Commander Cyris was continuing his fight in the center of the battle, King Gothna made his way to the center also, "Take their last breath!", Gothna yelled as he struck a legionnaire with his axe, knocking him to the ground headless, "I want them DEAD!", Gothna said again as he struck a legionnaire's shoulder.

The battle continued for several hours, neither side giving ground to one another. Even though the legionnaire's were surrounded, they continued to hold out, against the close fighting nord's and redguards. The day turned from mid-day to early evening, as King Gothna and Commander Cyris finally met each other on the battlefield. The two locked eye's as they charged each other with furry in their eye's, "You shall perish from this land Legionnaire!", Gothna yelled as he and Cyris's weapons clanged together, "I shall vanquish your army once and for all, and before your eye's!", cyris yelled as he and Gothna's weapons once again clanged together. The two began to wear on each other, each one slowly tiring at each strike. Legionnaire after legionnaire began to fall to the rebels, while Commander Cyris and King Gothna continued their fight. Gothna was struck on the left bisept, while cyris was struck on the left leg, both had other minor injuries as well.

The battle continued on, as legionnaire's fell to the ground, not injured by a weapon, but from the heat that had risen in their heavy armor. Even for the lightly armored rebels, it began to get hot, but for gothna and cyris, they continued to fight. Gothna swung his large battle axe at Cyris's ribs, but was countered by a strike to the left arm once again, the injury made gothna drop his weapon, as he continued to breath hard. Cyris was also breathing hard, as the nord tackled him to the ground, screaming out at the pain in his arm. "I will kill you legionnaire, and you will not return to your family", cyris was pinned to the ground, not only from gothna, but he was to exhausted to lift his heavy armor. Gothna began to beat with his hand, cyris's face, as cyris reach down to his belt, "You and your rebel friends shall fall before the might of the empire, whether it be by me or not, your rebellion shall fall!", cyris said as he reached down to his belt, "This is your end!", cyris grabbed his daggar that he had been reaching for and quickly jabbed it into King Gothna's rib cage. The king fell off cyris with the daggar still in his ribs, "This rebellion shall not be the end, we shall continue to fight for our freedom's", gothna said in his final breath.

As the battle continued and the legions along with the rebel's retreated, the rebels realized that their king and friend had fallen. The day ended with the legion's retreating to bruma to regroup and rest, while the redguards returned to hammerfell to do the same, and the nords to burry their fallen king.

Chapter 1 should be posted by tomorrow. Matters on how this is reviewed by everyone. Critisim is welcomed, just dont get out of hand. Thanks
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biiibi
 
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Post » Thu May 19, 2011 7:15 pm

I found it lacking in description and read in an eassayish/ exyclopedia like mannor.

It also suffers from text blockitis.
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Sammie LM
 
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Post » Thu May 19, 2011 10:49 pm

I thought it was good, could have been better. The description was ok to me, It made me use my imagination while reading it, like fill in the blanks sort-of? I thought that the writing was more historic... something like, rather than essayish, it was more like what I would read out of a history book. If it was written in first person, that would be good cool, it would make it have more depth and description. But over all I would give it a 6/10. Keep working at it, maybe you could have Chapter 1 in first person or something?
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Vincent Joe
 
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Post » Thu May 19, 2011 9:24 pm

I like it, but I agree with MAD-MAX i think first person would go great in this fanfic. All in all though catchy begining with grasping into the plot and setting a good boundery and catching some interest.
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Alyce Argabright
 
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Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 8:11 pm

Post » Fri May 20, 2011 2:59 am

Thanks everyone. I was thinking of doing Chapter 1 in first person anyway, but since I've gotten some feed back on the idea, I'm going to do it for sure. And I also wanted the Prologe to feel more of a historical back ground, because of how Chapter 1 is going to be. Once again thanks for the feed back. Anymore feed back would be great.
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Conor Byrne
 
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Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2007 3:37 pm

Post » Fri May 20, 2011 2:32 am

A fine idea of a story, so no comments there.

Mostly just grammar errors and what not, which I hate to be picky about, but they really bother me for some reason, even though my stories can be laced with them as well. :P

I agree that it could have been less blocky (though I see you fixed it kind of) and also far more descriptive, but some people seem to like the lack of description, so I guess it's just writing style. :shrug:

Remember to start a new paragraph every time somebody new speaks. An example:

.......commanders road along their force's for one last inspection. One of the Empire's commanders road along, as he checked his Legionnaire's for any sign of deserting, "Today we stand before the might of Skyrim and Hammerfell, they think that they have been mistreated, but they have not seen the full might of the Empire!", the crowd raised their weapons as they cheered at the commanders moral booster. Across the frozen field in the treeline, the Nordic Commader road along his force's also checking them for once more, "We shall show the Empire that we cannot be silenced any longer, we shall have our freedom!", the nords and redguards raised their weapons as they too cheered their commander.


The Legion Commander and the Rebel Commander both speak, but when the Rebel Commander started, a new paragraph should've started as well.

Other then that and the spelling errors (such as "knoded" instead of "nodded"), it was an enjoyable enough read. :)
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biiibi
 
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