Me: "Where are we going?"
Emperor Uriel Septim: "I go to my grave. A tongue shriller than all the music calls me."
Me: "...No, I mean, right now, where are we trying to get to?"

Isleif the Open Handed: "Well don't expect a handout from me. You certainly don't need it. I share my good fortunes with the poor and needy, and you ain't neither."
Me: *just out of prison, wearing rags, has only a few gold to name* "What are your standards?"

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things?"
Me: "How DARE you accuse a member of the Mages Guild of necromancy! I conjure up Daedra, thank you very much, and if you're not careful I'll do that right now."



And an out-of-character bit:

Martin: "Have you brought help? We've been trapped-"
Me: "OHMYGODOHMYGOD It's Sean Bean! :wub: *contented sigh*"

Enemy: I've foughten mudcrabs stronger than you!"

Me: "That must be one strong mudcrab."

Guard: Say it!
Me: YOU svck!!

NPC: You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things?
Me: No. Not unless you wanna be one of them!

NPC: You have the hands of a healer

Me: Thats not all these hands can do

NPC: I saw a mudcrab the other day.

Me: Good for you, dude. I don't want to talk about this.

Random Bandit: I've fought mudcrabs---*claymore in face*

Me: And I'm sure those were some fond memories of yours

NPC: "They say that when you murder someone, the Dark Brother hood comes to visit you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."
Me: "Wait, you mean they'd invade my dreams just to recruit me? Interesting...So, did Henantier get his idea from them, or they from him?"

NPC: "I saw a mudcrab the other day. I steered clear of it."
Me: "I saw four mudcrabs the other day. I killed and ate them. Delicious."
NPC: "Ugh! That's foul!"
Me: "You don't like mudcrab meat? Great! More for me."

NPC: "What do you want?"
Me: "Are you asking literally or philosophically?"

Bandit: "Where are you?"
Me: "Behind you." *shoots arrow through bandit's neck*

A long "conversation" Wylenteriel had with a bandit:

I arrived at black dog camp:

Bandit: Show me what you've got!
Me: I got this axe, and this spell. Wanna taste both?

Bandit: This is the part where you fall down and bleeed to death!
Me: Thanks for the heavy armor training, man.

Bandit: I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!
Me: :blink: ... Was that a heavily armored mudcrab with daedric mudcrab armor?

Bandit: Jump on my sword while you can!
Me: I got 2 points: 1, Your "sword" broke. 2, You had a dagger.

After 5 minutes of fighting:

Bandit: I'm just warming up, you pathetic worm!
Me: Great. Then you can train my heavy armor skill a bit more.

Bandit: This is the part when you fall down and bleed to death!
Me: You have already tried that one. Cant you think of anything better than that?

After 7 minutes of fighting:

Bandit: Getting tired?
Me: How could you punch me for 5 minutes and slash me with a dagger for 2?

Bandit: Aww, is the baby gonna cry?
Me: *Calculating costs for dwarven axe* ... Nah, please dont disturb me alot.

After 10 minutes of fighting:

Bandit: You're traitor to your own race!
Me: Uh... you've been smashing me for like 10 minutes now. How about just leaving me so I can repair my armor?

Bandit: This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!
Me: Thats the third time. I'm getting kinda bored now. So... I'll just kill you and take your stuff. OK? *kills bandit*

I use a lot of hand to hand, so can't help saying "I warned ya, you should have stayed down" every time they fall over, get up, and die.

Emperor: I was born... *skip*
Me: Been there, done that got the belly button.

Random orc: I've killed far worse than you.
Me: ...Or so you'd like to believe.

Random argonian: The prey aproaches.
Me: So i see. Why?

Bandit: Jump on my sword while you can!

Me: B-But you have an axe... thats not a sword.

I made this one a while ago, so I dont remember everything:

Yellow Team Champion: Do you think i should be impressed? (or something like that)

Me: Im effectively knocking you down with my FISTS and youre using one of the best axes ever... So... you should be.


YTC: Victory is mine!
Me: *kills YTC* Congratulations! The new Champion gives you death and degrade you to the rank of pit dog!

NPC: Can it speak? Can it make words?
Me: *kills NPC* Better than no words. :shrug:

Marauder: Aww, is the baby gonna cry?
Me: I'm 1385 years old... (I played my oldest character Caralderiel, an Altmer Sorceror. He has worked with Chronomancy)

My reply(s) to the murderers in the Dark Brotherhood place after that guild's questline is over:
Yes, you will never forget the fact that I have seen you for the 40th time.(If they claim they will never forget meeting me)
Why are you still such a lowly murderer?!(That archer murderer's claim of being lowly.)

My reply to the guys giving out Black Horse Newpapers things:
Sorry, but I didn't want your crappy newspaper. It doesn't have any good comics.

OH I KNOW I KNOW!TAKE THE NPC'S FEET!

rofl I remember overhearing this and ending myself :teehee:

Jauffre: "You brought me the Amulet of Kings? Who are you? Explain yourself!"
Me: "Well, it's like this. I was in the imperial dungeon for something I totally didn't do. I was just chillin' in my cell when the Emperor and three of his bodyguards walked in and opened a secret passage. I decided to follow them out through it. No, I wasn't stalking the Emperor, I just wanted to get out of the dungeon. Anyway, some weirdos in red robes attacked us and killed one of the bodyguards. We got separated after that. I wandered through caves and whatnot for a while killin' rats and goblins (and even a zombie, if you can believe that). I met up with the emperor and his two remaining guards just as they were attacked by more of those weirdos. One of his guards was like 'Kill the prisoner, (s)he's one of them' and the emperor was like 'Naw man, Chill. (s)he's cool'. So we kept goin' and gettin' attacked by those weirdos and then we got trapped at a dead end. That redguard guy (Walrus or something) told me to hang with the emperor while he and the other dude fought the weirdos. Then the emperor handed me his bling and told me to give it to you. And then one of those weirdos came through the wall and killed him. So, here I am."
Jauffre: "As unlikely as your story is, I believe you."
Me: :blink: "Really? You trust the word of an escaped prisoner? No wonder the emperor and his heirs are dead. You're in charge of their bodyguards and you're an idiot!"

Jauffre: "You must go to Kvatch and find him (Martin) at once. If the enemy is aware of his existence, as seems likely, he is in terrible danger."
Me: "I couldn't keep the Emperor alive with two Blades helping me and you want me to go and protect Martin by myself? Are you working with these red-robed weirdos or something?"

Guard: What's this about?

I normally think many, MANY expletive filled wise cracks I wish could be said, but I'll just give you the cleaner one.

Gash Flaw(My current character): Well, I got to save a world, kill things, and you should be bowing down to me just for saving your butts when you were getting mangled by a bandit.


Begger: Have pity on an old war veteran.
Gash: I could call you an Ataxia sufferer if that makes you feel better.

*Gash's reaction to being called a housecat*
Gash: I am a lion anthro, thank you.

Vlanarus Kvinchal: Don't be the last to read today's Black Horse Courier... *Hands player a copy*
Me: Thanks for the wipes, now if I could only find a freaken outhouse in the blasted country.
Me: ... I think I'm gonna need more.
Vlanarus Kvinchal: Sorry. Only one copy of the Black Horse Courier per customer.
Me: :swear: Guess I'm finally gonna have to find a use for those parchments.

NPC 1:
NPC 2: I've heard others say the same.
Me: So have I. Many times.

Bandit: "Am I supposed to be impressed?"
Me: "No, you're supposed to be dead. I noticed that you aren't. Let's fix that, shall we?" *kills bandit*

Marauder: "Puny elf. I'll pick my teeth with your spine!"
Me: "Why don't you try it with an arrow first?" *puts arrow through marauder's mouth*

Marauder, to my companion: "You'll make a fine pair of boots, lizard!"
Me: "Your teeth will make a fine necklace!" *kills marauder, is unable to find any teeth*
Me: "What? No teeth?! May a Bosmer war party consume your family!"

Bandit: "Do your worst!"
Me: "My worst? That seems a bit counterproductive, but okay." *shoots arrow over bandit's head*
Bandit: "Is that the best you can do?"
Me: "No, you moron. It's my worst. Here's my best!" *shoots bandit with massively poisoned arrow, bandit dies instantly*
Me: "How's that?"

NPC: "What makes this smell? Ugh, was that you? What did you eat?"
Me: "You know what they say: He who smelt it dealt it."

NPC: "Are you well?"
Me: "No, I'm Elberond. Wael is my cousin."

Guard: (To dead body) Oh my goodness! E-excuse me sir, are you all right?
Me: You're talking to a-
Guard: (To himself) I-I'm sorry. This person's dead.
Me: You. Are. Talking. To. A. Dead. Female. Argonian!

NPC1: "Did you hear about the attack on the chapel in Anvil? All of the priests and priestesses have be murdered."
NPC2: "NO!
NPC1: "No doubt."
NPC2: "There's been some terrible trouble at the chapel in Anvil. All of Dibella's priests and priestesses have be murdered."
NPC1: "By the gods."
NPC2: "Of course."
Me: "And you two are supposed to help save Bruma? :facepalm: We're doomed."

NPC: "Ugh! Was that you? What did you eat?"
Me: "Don't you mean 'who'? I am a Bosmer, after all. Y'know, 'Meat Mandate' and all that."

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you can!"
Me: "That's an axe, you idiot."
Bandit: :hubbahubba:
Me: "Oh, hell no!" :bolt:

Marauder1: "I need to cut down on the ale. Starting to see things, I am."
Me: "Starting to sound like Yoda, you are." *shoots arrow through marauder1's head right in front of marauder2*
Marauder2: *looks at body of marauder1* "It must have been the wind."
Me: "Yeah, 'cause the wind is totally known for blowing Daedric arrows through people's heads. Idiot." *kills marauder2*