Who the man actually was, actually

"Crikey! Is that my bestest friend?" Schmut E. asked, mouth hanging open in surprise, "I thought he died in that explosion!" The others surrounded the platform upon which the Son appeared to sleep; indeed, it was the Khajiiti that they had traveled with for quite some time. "The question is," The Master Thief cryptically said, "how did he get here, of all places?" Tran the Gan, who was slowly recovering from his bout of furious blindness (vampires grow stuff back, fast), took his turn in the speaking role. "A better question, sir," Tran the Gan said, "is where are we?"

Suddenly, a small clinking noise was heard from behind. "Ah... welcome to the Isles," a high-pitched, feminine voice said, "the S-" Before the voice could finish, Syl spoke up. "The Isles!" she shrieked, clapping her hands together, "whee! I'm back home! Now, where is my Duke?" The feminine voice, now haughty, spoke up again. "Excuse me, lady," the voice snorted, "no. We're in the Summerset Isles." Syl's gorgeous face fell, and she collapsed to her knees, sobbing all the way.

Carro immediately went to comfort her (d'aww), and The Master Thief surreptitiously stole a hankerchief from Vandayle to hand to Syl. "Now, where were we?" the haughty, chickish voice said, "ah, yes... we are in the Summerset Isles. Specifically, the city of Dusk." "Crikey! Home of the Executioners?" Schmut E. asked. As the words left his mouth, the voice began to scream. "No! Don't say that, or they'll hear you!"

Naturally, it wouldn't be much of a story if "they" didn't hear Schmut E., huh? I mean, come on, what would you rather have: more talking, or a fight scene? Fight scene, right? Thought so.

Another scream was heard; this one came from a large, glassical doorway across the room. The doors smashed open with a tinkle (cause it was glass), and a High Elf came flying through, her robe torn and ripped. As the tall beauty fell into the midst of the group, a wet slapping noise followed her in. Also, it was a Sload. Duh.

"None shall speak that name!" the Sload said, eyes brimming with hatred, "the Executioners have been captivated, and none shall stand in the way of the Sloadian Empire!" The Sload raised his fat, disgusting arms, and began to wetly cast a spell. "Dudes... like, whats going on?" Broken-Scale conveniently woke up at this point in time, "oh, hey! Lookit, a tasty treat!" The Sload stopped in his spell-casting, and gazed down in fear at the electric-blue Argonian. "An... Argonian?!?" The Sload wailed, "Nooooo!" Before the Sload could disappear, Broken-Scale had already released a massive bolt of electricity, which exploded the Sload with a wet, slimy "pop!"

"Foods on, dudes!" Broken-Scale shrieked as he began to devour the pieces of Sload, "like, yum!" Our Heroes gave Broken-Scale a look like "Wow, that is so utterly wrong in so many ways, that my stomach literally died, then came back as a zombie stomach to die again." As Broken-Scale chowed down, the rest of our Heroes looked to the fallen High Elf. "Missy," Vandayle gently called, "you okay?"

When the High Elf didn't respond, Vandayle pulled a small flask from his robe, and waved it about the woman's face. "Vapors," Vandayle explained, "always worked in my day. Nothin' like a good set o' vapors to seduce a woman, neither! Thats how I got ole Alma to do the Anvil Anchor wit' me." Before Mr V could think about Almasixia (hahahahahahahahaha, good one) anymore, the High Elf lady woke up.

"Well, missy," Vandayle said, "want ta explain what that was all about?" The High Elf lady gave Vandayle a funny look, then punched the elderly Dark Elf in his face. "Who you callin' 'Missy,' you shriveled old Mer?" the High Elf lady demanded, "I ain't no girl!" As if to prove his point, the High Elf pulled up his dress. "Crikey!" Schmut E. exclaimed, "thats an Imperial City if I ever saw one!" "Shield your eyes, dear ladies!" The Master Thief proclaimed, throwing his body in front of Carro and Syl's surprised faces.

"Damn straight," the High Elf said, "name's Coatc. I'm the Keeper of this Temple... and that man over there-" Coatc pointed at the Son's sleeping form, "owes me fifteen days of rent. Now who is gonna pay up?" Tran the Gan's hand plunged through Coatc's chest, tore out his heart, and dropped the meaty organ to the ground. Our Heroes looked at Tran the Gan with surprise. "I didn't trust that guy," Tran the Gan explained, "what kind of man wears a dress?"

Our Heroes nodded, and after retrieving the unconscious Queen and sleeping Son, exeunted the temple to find out what was going on.

What was going on, indeed? Time for the Tale of Pepjiit's first shopping scene! (Hint: everyone gets snazzy clothes!)

Well, it is time for yet another update to the Tale of Pepjiit. Oh, hey- since the next romantic scene is coming up, I would like some guest written lines. Whomever I owe a prize to, just write a line, and PM it to me. Syl, you can write another, to go along with the one you've already sent me.

Yet another Update, and this one is about....

Shopping!" Syl screamed. For our Heroes had arrived at the most consumer-oriented section of the Summerset Isles; whatever town I said it was last update. Dusk, right? Well, more like... I dunno, something that rhymes with shopping. Whatever, I'm not the storyteller here. Why don't you think of something, jerkass?

Yeah, so: "Shopping" Syl screamed, as the group gazed upon the beautiful glassineical malls, markets, and business places of Dusk. One building in particular caught their (specifically Syl's) attention: a shop called "The Fine Lady's Wardrobe", or some hokey bull like that. Naturally, while Syl enjoyed showing off her fine body (remember, she is barely squeezing into a puppy-sized cloak for a bra-thing and hood for a thong), there was a time and place for that... and a time and place for buying pretty dresses, undergarments, and make-up.

With a look of joy pasted on her delicate face, Syl grabbed Carro's hand and pulled the young maiden across the street towards "The Fine Lady's Wardrobe." Just as the two women entered the store, the Queen happened to pop unattractively awake, and she raced in after them.

I'd like to take a moment to reveal something to you all. I don't care for the Queen. She has no counterpart like the other characters, so I am finding her increasingly boring to write for. As such, after her duty is fulfilled, I'm thinking that something else is going to fill her... something like... hot lead. If this were a Falloutian Legend of Nukaman, of course. (Droppin' hints like a crazy fool, right here).

"Come along, men!" The Master Thief declared to his brothers-in-arms, "I've heard malicious tales of the price increases of the Isles before, and I shalln't allow such awful economic strategies to overcome any maiden!" The men sagely agreed, all nodding their heads; the rumors of Daedric Spinstresses hiking up prices had begun to fly directly after the Oblivion Crisis' end. Before the men could follow their feminine Heroes, something awful happened.

Wow, that sentence sounded awful. Basically, I'm saying that the Male Heroes don't want the Female Heroes to be ripped off by high clothing prices, which are high because of Daedric shop-keeps. Yeah, whatever. It'll make sense in a bit. Oh, man, everything is coming together. Keep this in mind, if you can, for your mind shall be blown, dear reader... blown straight to the max!

Something... Sloadinical.

But how about some shoppin' first?

Syl fell to her knees in pure joy, dragging Carro along with her. "I'm.... speechless... can't... talk... at... a... normal... pace..." Syl stuttered, her once perfect speech pattern ruined by the majesty of the clothing that surrounded her. Even Carro, the most beautiful maiden in all of Mundus-

Now, I don't want to give you the wrong impression here, so let me confirm something: Carro is the most beautiful woman in Mundus, and Syl is the most beautiful Mer in Oblivion. Okay, so no insults or anything, right?

- was in awe of the fine clothing of the store. "Oh, my!" Carro exclaimed; five feet away, a small family of rats popped in a gory, bloody paste. "Look at these Black Marshian Silks! Ooh, and these High Rock High Heels!" Syl shrieked (yeah, I'm proud of the High Rock High Heels; that was a really good way of putting it), "We have to get them!" Carro nodded her head rapidly, and the women began to ravenously scoop up any article of clothing that attracted their attention.

Soon enough, the two maidens had picked up some nice, sixy clothes, and they headed into the dressing room, or whatever that thing is called, to try their clothes on.

Clothes Trying On Montage

Blah Blah Blah, clothes tried on, each gets a hot new outfit. Whatever, I'm not a chick. Here, how about this: I'll get the pictures for their new clothes, then show them to you next update. You'll be all like "Wow, they sure are attractive," I'll be like "Yeah, duh. What, me telling you they are the fairest in all the lands isn't good enough?" you'll be all like "Oh, I'm so sorry TMT, here is a personal message with that line you wanted in it," I'll be all like "Thank you. Include the word "bacon" somewhere in your next post so I know you actually read this," you'll be all like "What?" and I'll say in conclusion "Aha! I found you out, fool!"

Suddenly

As Carro slipped out of her fine white robe, fairly unclothed underneath (aside from her undergarments), she felt something malicious about her. "Someone is undressing me with their sickened minds," Carro thought, her beautiful mind being ravaged by whatever pervert was peeking in on her, "I demand that you show yourself at once!" Naturally, the door burst open, and the Queen stepped in. Before Carro could react, the Queen slammed shut the door, locking her and Carro in the tiny room in the process.

"I want you." The Queen moaned, taking in Carro's sleek, effeminate form with her eyes. "I want to do things to you... sixual things." The Queen uttered.

Well, duh, Queen. Seriously, you've been saying that this whole time. That is also why you are dead... very soon.

The Queen reached out to place her hands on Carro's well-muscled stomach. "I want to put a baby in there," The Queen said, "now."

Seriously, come on! That isn't how it works, [censored]! By the Eight and One, I detest you!

Carro gave the Queen a look of disbelief, then began to cry out to Syl for help. "I think not, sixy," The Queen said, placing her hand over Carro's perfectly kissable lips, "now, lets/let's see what we can do in this booth..." The Queen quickly removed her hand from Carro's mouth, and replaced it with her own lips. The Queen began to passionately kiss Carro, who, in her shock, was unable to fight back. Carro's knees were suddenly like scrib jelly, and the young maiden began to fall backwards; however, the Queen's finely manicured hands were there to support Carro's modest weight. The Queen took this opportunity to bring Carro in closer, and renewed her kissing assault upon Tamriel's fairest maiden.

Oh, and another thing: what the hell kind of name is the Queen? And is it "the" or "The?" You are the absolute worst, [censored]!

Oh, and one more thing: before any of you (Syl) get any ideas (see a few pages ago), I actually have a plan for this, and it is going to be quite sweet and romantic. Which, last time I checked, isn't something that teenage boys are all about. So, in conclusion: this is actually going to be quite sweet and romantic in the end, and the Queen is going to die. An awful, awful death.

Meanwhile, back outside

The Sloadinical Police Force flew in on their hoverfat; which is to say, their entire fat bodies. "Ohoaho, whair are you're liscenses, scum?" Captain Sload gorbled, horrible butchering at least two words in that sentence. As Captain Sload finished his sentence, he noticed something quite disturbing: an electric blue Argonian, who was currently (snicker - cause he is electricity, current, yeah?) eyeing Captain Sload with a look that said "I'm going to end your [censored] life, then eat your still warm corpse." Naturally, Captain Sload wasn't having any of this, so he pulled out his Staff of Fireballs, and pointed it at the shiny Argonian.

"Time to die, lizard-scum!" Captain Sload shrieked as a fireball the size of a small building launched out of his staff.

What will happen next? I dunno, but I damn well better get those lines as soon as you can probably think of them
However, something was burning far brighter and hotter than the fireball's brilliant flames. And that something... was Broken-Scale's hatred. At first, the Argonian had been content with wanting to simply kill and eat the Sload; his race had a long standing hunger for theirs, ever since the Arsloanian War of the First Era. But when Broken-Scale saw the Sload's Staff... that was when something snapped.

"Dude! You are like, using that mondo incorrect spear!" Broken-Scale raged, "that isn't how you use a spear!" Directed solely by an anger only equivalent to when a puppy eats your last piece of bacon, Broken-Scale blindly shoved his glowing blue hands into his stomach; with a gory noise, the Spear of Chaos was drawn forth from the young lizard-man's body.

No longer blue, Broken-Scale leaped towards the massive fireball, and with a battle-cry that would scare even the most manly of men (except for our Heroes), exploded in a flash of light.

"Hahahah!, that foolish scum has killed himself!" Captain Sload blurted, "all shall fall beneath the might of the Sloadian Empire!" His joyful outburst was soon interrupted as Broken-Scale's fiery hand plunged through the fat slug's face. "This is how you use a spear!" Broken-Scale bellowed, as his other hand, having been replaced by the Spear's now oversized head, flew in towards the Sload's heart. Striking true, Broken-Scale unleashed a primal scream, and rode the falling Sload corpse to the ground as he began to devour it.

Now, you might be all like "The Master Thief, what in the name of all that is bacony just happened?" Well, friends, if you'll recall, Broken-Scale's Spear of Chaos was actually a better Wabbajack, and he used it to combine with the Sload's fireball. So instead of electricity powers, he now has fire powers. See, isn't that easy? "But wait, The Master Thief," you retort, "I thought that only worked with animals! Like the Wabbajack, but different? A fireball isn't an animal, The Master Thief!" Wrong, dear reader. You see, the Sload's fireball was actually organic, like the Yuuzhan Vong from Star Wars. Look it up, they are quite cool.

Right, so Broken-Scale rode the Sload's bloated corpse to the ground. Also, since he was now on fire, the Sload cooked quite nicely, allowing our Argonian Hero to eat to his heart's content without worrying about food poisoning or something.

The Male Heroes

"Crikey! You see that?" Schmut E. asked, "looks like our chum is gettin' his food on!" Turning his back on the scene, Schmut E. noted that Vandayle, the Son, and Tran the Gan had stepped inside a small bakery, probably to procure foodstuffs for our Heroes-

You ever notice how they never eat? And yet, the Tale is about a soft drink. How odd.

- while The Master Thief was sprinting in the direction of "The Fair Lady's Wardrobe," or whatever the hell I named that chick's store. I'm not too interested in remembering the names of one-shot places that our Heroes will never visit again, you know?

Anyways, Schmut E. wasn't too interested in buying food, so he ran off after The Master Thief. However, a set of bright eyes watched Schmut E. from the shadows of an alleyway (are there ever any brightly lit ones? no, didn't think so), and the owner of those bright eyes began to follow the Scholar as well.

Vandayle's Purchases

Vandayle strode into the small bakery with a purpose. "Listen here, whipper-snapper," Mr. V directed at the slovenly man who stood behind the counter, "I want fifty loaves of your finest breads, a knot of donuts, and a furlong of pies. Chop chop, young 'un! We got places to be!" The slovenly man, who was actually a Dremora, turned about from his baking and gave Vandayle a look. "Sir, I'm not quite sure you understand the situation you find yourself in. Firstly, the only reason I'm even open right now is because the Sloads get their donuts here; finest in the city. Second, I can't legally sell you anything, unless I want to get killed. Technically, the only businesses that should be open are the ones that sell women's clothing, and that is only because the Sloads want the females to look good for their sick, twisted idea of six. Finally, you asked me for a 'knot' of donuts and a 'furlong' of pies, both of which are seafaring terms, and are used to describe a speed and distance, respectively. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some donuts to bake."

Hoo, that was a long expository paragraph.

"Now hold on just a consarn minute here, fella!" Mr V wheezed, "I'm not in the mood fer any goofin', so ya'd better tell me whats what!" The Dremora whirled around, rage dancing its deadly route across his handsome face. "No, you listen, old man! The damn Sload invaded the Isles just as the High Elves and the Dremora were forming a pact of alliance, and ruined the whole thing! Now our females are off pleasuring those fat slugs, and our men are all out of jobs! We're starving on the streets, and every day, more and more of the slugs come in!" Vandayle nodded sagely as he reached a hand out to the trembling Dremora's shoulder.

"Don't worry, sonny boy... I'm thinkin' that things'll turn out okay in the end. These young'uns-" Vandayle motioned towards the rest of the Heroes, who were moving through the empty square, "will take care o' that." The Dremora broke out in fiery tears, and as he sobbed his thanks, Mr V took a knot of donuts and a furlong of pies. Just then, Tran the Gan walked up, still holding the Son in one arm, and inquired as to where Vandayle wanted to go next. "Well, sonny," Mr. V kindly said, "I know of a really great brothel just about fifteen minutes away from here. Wanna check it out?" Tran the Gan shrugged his left shoulder; at least it'd give him a place to set down the sleeping Son.

And back to "The Fair Lady's Wardrobe" or whatever it is

The Master Thief burst through the entrance to the female clothes shop, a grim look menacing its way across his face. Not like anyone could see it (mask) but whatevs. The point is, The Master Thief was concerned. "I'm incredibly concerned," The Master Thief thought aloud, "the Queen raced in here after Carro, and if she manages to seduce Carro out of her innocence..." The Master Thief trailed off, as he had spotted Syl, who was admiring a fine article of clothing at a nearby mirror.

The Master Thief disappeared in a puff of smoke, then reappeared directly behind Syl. With a shout, Syl whirled around, having been surprised by The Master Thief's sudden appearance. "Not my enemies! They've finally found me!" Syl shrieked, as she began to slap at The Master Thief's lightly armored chest, "please, don't kill one as pretty as I!" The Master Thief gently took Syl by the wrists, then looked in her eyes. "Syl. The Master Thief, remember? Where is Carro?" The Master Thief asked.

Syl instantly stopped begging, and nodded towards the changing booth. "Over there," Syl explained, "and of course I knew it was you! Just erring on the side of caution, thats all." Schmut E., having entered right after The Master Thief, arrived at their location. "What is going on?" Schmut E. asked, "Crikey, it is the Queen's Love Disease, huh? I knew I should've slapped that [censored] to Oblivion, damnit!" The Master Thief nodded his head in agreement. "We both know what will happen if that happens, sir Scholar. Hurry, to the changing rooms!"

Before the group could race off to the changing rooms, however, a slob of Sloads arrived at the scene. One of them wore a leather jacket, and peculiar red glasses across his eyes. "Hey, chums! Get a loada this babe!" the Sload gaped. "I wanta slime all ova you, hon!" Biker Jacket Sload shouted, "howsa bout we get togetha!" The Sload's tentacle, which had been rising as soon as it spotted Syl, wriggled about menacingly at the Lady of Dementia.

Meanwhile, the lesser Sloads had begun to slap bike chains against their flabby hands. The Master Thief motioned at Schmut E., then at the changing room, using the deft "Thieves' Hand Signal" hand signal; luckily, Schmut E. was a scholar, and he understood exactly what The Master Thief was trying to say. The Popular Scholar ran off towards the dressing rooms, dodging about a wide variety of clothing racks as he moved. Before he could go more than five feet, a bike chain slammed into one of the metal clothing racks by his head.

"An' jus' where you think you're goin', fool?" Biker Jacket Sload asked, "nobody leaves less I say so!" The Master Thief motioned again for Schmut E. to run, and the Scholar, fully trusting in his bro, continued on. "Hey! I'm talkin' ta you!" Biker Jacket Sload shrieked, his face shimmering in futile rage. For, you see, weak men (and slugs) don't like their authority challenged.

"Excuse me, scum," The Master Thief murmured, "we have a problem." Biker Jacket Sload whirled around again, his face tripling in anger. Somehow. Don't ask me. Maybe it got hotter or something.

Yeah, anyways, "You sayin' sommat to me, humie?" Biker Jacket Sload shrieked, spittle flying from his lips, "you wanta piece o' dis?" The Master Thief looked at Biker Jacket Sload in distaste, then calmly unsheathed his wicked blade. "Actually, I'd want multiple."

Biker Jacket Sload and The Master Thief entered a climatic stare-down. After five seconds, their stare-down was interrupted. "Eek!" Syl squealed, "are you defending my honor!?!" The Master Thief faltered momentarily. "Um, that is correct, my lady," The Master Thief answered, "of course I am." Syl squealed again, and began to clap her hands. "How delightful! I remember when Thadon used to defend my honor... he once killed a man for sneezing in the same room as me." Syl stopped clapping and dropped her eyes to the ground. "Oh, how I miss his musk... it was so manly!"

The Master Thief switched his blade to his other hand, then gave Syl a one-armed hug. "Fear not, dear lady," The Master Thief declared, "for your Lord will arrive, soon enough. I can sense it.... a disturbance in the force..." Syl instantly brightened up. "Ay! We fightin' or what?" Biker Jacket Sload interrupted the touching moment.

"Excuse me, scum," The Master Thief replied, "of course. Don't worry, your funeral will arrive soon along the way."

Dededooda! Climatic fight - incoming! Also, hey, six scene next update, so if you want to write some lines, hurry it the hell up!

Yeah, so whatever, here we go. Sent-in lines are highlighted in bold. And, I must say, it will be difficult to fashion this in the proper way, what with the lines I've received... however, I think I can do it.

Everything anyone ever wants, wrapped into one - a six/combat update

First, I think... the romance.

The romance.

The Queen and Carro writhed back and forth in the throes of passion; while this was Carro's first time at anything of the sort, she quickly found a fiery, almost Daedric passion consuming her. Soon enough, it was Carro pressing the attack, rather than the Queen. The fair maiden's perfect lips pushed against the Queen's, their hot, salty tang exciting the Queen even further. "Oh, yes!" the Queen moaned, "take me, Carro!"

Carro moved to slip out of her fine lacy undergarments; as she began to struggle with them, her movements in the cramped space smashed the Queen's head into the door of the changing booth. The Queen cried out in pain, and blood began to stream down her now cut head. Halting her throes of passion, the Queen put a hand to the back of her head. "Well, that's gonna leave a mark." uttered the Queen; she pushed slightly away from Carro, and went to open the door of the changing booth. Carro grabbed the Queen's wrist "No, not yet," Carro whispered, her once high and pretty voice now a throaty murmur, "I'm not finished with you yet." The Queen looked at Carro, and nodded her head in agreement.

Still clothed, Carro pushed her lips against the Queen's again; this time, however, Carro's lips were followed by her little pink tongue. Breaking the kiss, the Queen moaned again. "Oh, my," said the Queen, "All this blood is making things wonderfully slippery!" Indeed, the Queen's blood had coated both her and Carro's feminine figures in a red, slimy sheath; the two women were struggling to remain upright, as they slid around the booth in ecstasy.

Before things got any more slippy, however, Carro tore out of her garments, and the Queen followed suit. Naked bodies pushing against each other, the women moaned loudly, their hands roaming across each other's beautiful figures, seeking places to please their respective partners. "Oh, yes," the Queen gasped, "keep going, sixy!" Carro screamed in erotic rage and joy; never before had she felt this way about life. Everything had been so bland, so lackluster; nothing could reach her beauty. But now... now, she found something as attractive as herself.

Luckily,

Schmut E. ran as quickly as he could to the changing booth door; he knew that if Carro was allowed to finish the act of carnal relations with the Queen, something more deadly than a Daedroth that shoots Fire Atronachs out of its mouth when it roars would be unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses of Tamriel. The Scholar, body honed by a lifetime of studying, arrived at the booth door in less than thirty seconds.

Suddenly, a scream of erotic rage and joy erupted from the booth; Schmut E. bellowed in agony, his hands clapping to his ears in protest. "Crikey! It has started!" Schmut E. exclaimed as he pulled his hands away from his ears; they were covered in blood. "Cri-key..." Schmut E. groaned; indeed, it was too late.

The Popular Scholar knew what had to be done, however. "Special Attack: Door Slap!" Schmut E. shouted; his magnificent slapping hand flew directly and true, and blasted the door from its hinges. However, as the door flew open, it revealed nothing in the booth. Until, that is, Schmut E. looked down to see a most horrific sight. Carro and the Queen were tangled together, a hot, female bundle of pent up sixuality, being released in front of Schmut E.'s undead eyes. Carro's eyes, meanwhile, were glowing a lightish red color, and a similar light was erupting from her fingertips.

Momentarily distracted from the terror of the situation, Schmut E. noticed the sleek, bloody legs of the two women; specifically, he noticed the Queen, who was on top of the bundle of pent up sixuality. "Crikey! How often do women shave their legs?" Schmut E asked sincerly. With women's legs on his mind, Schmut E resisted the urge to reach over and . . . you know . . . O, you don't? Well, my friends, he resisted the urge to reach over and feel her legs. Despite his Scholarness, Schmut E knew nothing of women. He was in no way a pervert, it was just how a guy's mind works.

This was just a ploy, however; remember, Schmut E. knew what had to be done. "Special Attack: World-Saving Slap!" Schmut E. exclaimed. Once again, his magnificent slapping hand slapped true; this time, the blow was directed at the Queen's unprotected face. The hand, containing all of Schmut E.'s fears, sorrow, and undeath, slapped through the air; nothing was able to stop this hand.

Not even its target could stop it, either; Schmut E.'s hand hit the Queen's face with a dull roar, and after a moment of shock, the Queen had less than half a second to scream in pain, right before the vibration of the slap exploded her. Schmut E. drew his hand back, then reached down through the gory mess to pull the nvde Carro from it. "Carro, are you alright?" Schmut E. shouted, using his other hand to wipe the blood from her face, "I'm just tinny I got here in time!"

Schmut E. began to re-think that statement when he saw the look on Carro's uncovered face. Her once beautiful face was twisted in a mockery of its former self; sure, it was still the most pretty in all of Tamriel, but the look upon it screamed "You took something from me, and now I'm taking it back." As Schmut E. realized what had happened, he glanced down to see Carro's slender fingers working away at his belt buckle; with a scream of shock, Schmut E. understood what was about to happen. "Crikey, I didn't stop it at all! I just made it worse!" Schmut E. tried to move backwards, away from Carro's primal, sixual rage, but before he could, her hands grasped at his wrists; somehow, the light woman was far stronger than he.

As Carro rode Schmut E.''s still clothed figure to the ground, the popular Scholar took a moment to get a hold upon his fears. "Okay, okay, I'm an undead now," Schmut E. said, "maybe she'll be alright." Carro's deft fingers tore off Schmut E.'s belt, then slid off his pants. With a look of feral desire on her youthful face, Carro jumped at what she saw. Oh Schmut E., your White Gold Tower is even bigger than the real White Gold Tower!" she moaned sixily as they ravaged each other with ravenous hunger. Riding the waves of passion, a series of short screams and moans of ecstasy began to erupt from the pair, along with some other, less appropriate things.

A few minutes later, the deed was finished; however, Schmut E. was wrong in his assumption. As the Scholar fell unconscious, knowing he had failed, in both his duty as would-be Emperor and Master Slapper, he heard Carro say one more thing: "Not my High Rock High Heels!" The thing that frightened Schmut E. the most wasn't Carro's disregard for his safety; it was the fact that her voice was completely changed.

Break

And now, onto the fight.

The fight.

"Whaddya mean, my funral? Wat's a funerl?" Biker Jacket Sload ineffectually stated, "I'm gonna kill ya now!" Biker Jacket Sload wriggled his tentacle menacingly again, to which The Master Thief responded by disappearing in a puff of smoke. "Hur hur hur, tha liddle baybe ran away!" Biker Jacket Sload foolishly stated, "come on, boys! Looks like that Wood Elf is gonna get some real wood now!"

Pssh, that doesn't even make sense, you stupid slug. Hehehehe, funny, right?

"I think not, scum," The Master Thief declared, "rather, you can get some real metal, now." Biker Jacket Sload looked around in confusion, and upon not seeing The Master Thief anywhere, continued to float over towards Syl, who was ignoring the Sload in favor of a delicious pair of Tamriel's Terrific Thong, and was currently modeling them in front of a mirror. "Hey, boss! Underneath ya!" Sload Crony 1 shouted in warning; with his fat bulk in the way, Biker Jacket Sload was unable to see what the crony was talking about.

This was unnecessary for Biker Jacket Sload, however, as The Master Thief's fine blade sliced through the air with a deadly "snicktentaclecuttingoff" noise. WIth a flash of light and sudden pain, Biker Jacket Sload looked down to see his massive tentacle flopping around on the ground. "Aarrgh!" Biker Jacket Sload shrieked in pain, "what have ya done!??" The Master Thief calmly reappeared next to Syl, then menaced the rest of the Cronies with his sword. "How about you, scum? Would you like to follow the path of your Boss?" The Sloanies, as they were called, wobbled their jaws in fear, and disappeared with a "bamf!" sound.

"I'll.... i'll kill you for that!" Biker Jacket Sload shrieked, flailing about madly with his bike-chain; before he could get any closer to The Master Thief or Syl, he found himself missing both of his arms. With one final blow, The Master Thief stole Biker Jacket Sload's life, along with his pair of red sunglasses. Pocketing the glasses, The Master Thief returned to Syl, and motioned for her to grab the rest of her clothes (including a cute Dark Elf Dress) as he raced off towards the changing booth. Before Syl or The Master Thief could take another step, a burst of passionate screams erupted from that direction. The Master Thief halted in his tracks, blade falling to the ground as he did so.

"What is it, Thief?" Syl asked, a surprising amount of concern in her sixy voice, "what happened?" The Master Thief slowly turned to look at Syl. "I've failed, milady," The Master Thief answered, "it is too late." The Master Thief reached up, hands trembling as he did so, and took off his mask. Syl looked in shock at The Master Thief's revealed face. An average man stared back at her; the odd thing about it was that, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember the man's face. "Get Vandayle, get Tran the Gan, and get the Son. Try to return to the mainland. Back to the Niben. Thadon will be there. He will know what to do," The Master Thief said, "quickly, now! There isn't much time!"

Syl nodded, her training as a Lady kicking in. As Syl raced out of the store, looking for the other members of the party, she heard The Master Thief slip his mask back on, pick up his blade, and run towards the changing room.

What is happening? Why is The Master Thief so worried about the situation? Is Schmut E. alright? What about Carro? Find out, next time, on the Tale of Pepjiit!

Hum, Carrot wrote three of them, Schmuty a big chunk, and Syl one. Off the top of my head, they went something like this: Carrot's: "That's gonna leave a mark." "Blood making everything slippery." and "Not my High Rock High Heels." Schmuty's: "Legs, something else, touching." Syl's: "ravaged with ravenous hunger."

Eat sword, beotch!

The Master Thief blasted past a rack of Tamriel Terrific Thongs, and landed lithely on his feet, in a crouched position. From his vantage point, The Master Thief saw Schmut E.'s naked, unconscious form lying on the ground, and Carro, covered in blood, inspecting a pair of shoes. "How good of you to join us," Carro huskily whispered, "I think you'll find your friend quite incapacitated." The naked maiden turned around to face The Master Thief, dropping her shoes as she did. "It is as I feared," The Master Thief calmly said, "I was indeed too late."

Carro looked down at Schmut E., then, as she stepped into the High Rock High Heels, unleashed a deep, yet feminine, and thoroughly powerful laugh from her stomach. "Oh, my, yes you are," Carro giggled, "far too late." The maiden rubbed her delicate hands down her body, wiping off the majority of the blood as she did so. The Master Thief averted his gaze, not wanting to see Carro's unclothed form... upon which point in time Carro leaped upon the lightly armored man. "And now, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you," Carro giggled, "sorry about that." Carro's hands wrapped around The Master Thief's throat, and with an inhuman rage, she began to choke his very life out of his body.

As Carro throttled the unresisting The Master Thief, Schmut E. began to wake up. Hearing the noise of the struggle, Schmut E. gazed slowly about the room, and quickly understood the situation that was transpiring. Leaping to his feet, Schmut E. raised his slapping hand, and did the unthinkable: slapped Carro Tsandwich across her beautiful, unmarred face.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about this update. Pretty serious so far, huh? I think it is, at least. Very odd. Hoo, I'll have to think of some way to make it hilarious again. Mmm, Schmut E. always makes things funny. Alright, lets/let's see if we can make him do his job.

"Crikey! Unthinkable Special Attack: Carro Face Slap!" Schmut E. shrieked, tear streaming down his well-mustached face as his hand flew toward Carro. In a perfectly awful turn of events, Carro turned her head to see what was going on, providing Schmut E. with the perfect slap. His hand slammed against Carro's face in slow motion, and the beautiful forest maiden went flying forwards, off The Master Thief and into a rack of clothes. A trail of devastation followed in her wake, forever marking the path of her flight as a line of instant death for any who would cross it. You know, like what would happen to a bacon-eating puppy if he eats any more of my bacon. You little rat-bastard, I will destroy you!

Yeah, there we go. That picked up a little.

"Crikey, what have I done?" Schmut E. cried, "I've slapped Carro!" Schmut E. gazed down in horror at his hand, which would never be the same again. You know, like if you are that one chick or dude from that one Billy Shakes play. The one about killing a king, then the one chick or dude can never wash his blood from their hands again. The name escapes me... prize to whomever thinks of it!

"Hurk!" The Master Thief groaned, "Schmut E., we have to get out of here!" The Master Thief slowly climbed to his feet, and began to push Schmut E. along, in the direction of the store front. As the two men reached the entrance, a sight most horrid befell their eyes. Carro, head twisted at an angle impossible for any life, was floating five feet off of the ground, blocking their way out of the store. Her nvde form pulsated with a hidden inner light, and with a shriek, the maiden began to glow furiously. Like a glowstick, or something.

"By the Nine... it has happened. Her other half has taken over completely." The Master Thief glanced at Schmut E., who was visibly shaken by what had happened to his childhood friend. "Fear not, Sir Scholar," The Master Thief proclaimed, "I have an idea." The Master Thief sheathed his blade, then raised his hands, palms facing Carro's glowing body. "Direct my hands, Schmut E.," The Master Thief continued, "I shalln't gaze upon Carro's immodesty."

With an odd, ancient sounding chant, The Master Thief motioned for Schmut E. to point his gloved hands at Carro's heart and head; the popular Scholar, understanding the words that The Master Thief just said, immediately did so. "A Spell of Separation and Binding, Thief?" Schmut E. shouted, over the maelstrom of wind that was somehow occuring. You know, because that is what happens when glowing chicks do stuff.

The Master Thief nodded; he had learned the spell from an ancient Ayleidian Text he had "borrowed" from the Blind Monks in White-Gold Tower. Suddenly, the spell lanced out from The Master Thief's hands, striking Carro upon her chest and head with a small, shiny sound effect.

Carro unleashed another shriek, and began to shiver uncontrollably. A shadowy figure appeared behind her; as it coalesced, the figure appeared to be an exact duplicate of Carro, but with an odd, pinkish hue to her skin. A large set of wings spread behind the figure's sixy form. "Oh, my!" Carro exclaimed; having regained control of her body, the forest maiden quickly noticed that she was nvde, aside from the pair of high heels. "Eek! My dignity!" Carro squealed as she ineffectually tried to cover herself; five miles away, a pack of Sloads popped from the sheer beauty of the squeal.

Just then, Carro heard the wooshing noise behind her, and saw the Daedric version of herself, who was currently writhing in pain. "What is happening?" Carro shouted, whirling around to see the source of the spell. Schmut E. was gaping in shock at Carro's Daedric Duplicate; the pinkish Carro was as beautiful as the one he had known his whole life... and yet, she was somehow more attractive, as she radiated an aura of raw pleasure.

"Schmut E.! Help!" Carro barely managed to gasp as the spell took hold of her. To Carro, it almost felt like something was tearing itself out of her body; like a piece of herself was being killed. Before either The Master Thief or Schmut E. could react, Carro leaped upon her writhing duplicate, and in a flash of light, merged with the figure. With the spell interrupted, the seemingly-normal Carro fell to the ground, unconscious.

Also, she magically had clothes on. Shut up, that is how magic works.

"Crikey! What is happening?" Schmut E. screamed, thoroughly worn out by the past hour's events. Before The Master Thief could answer, a low rumbling shook the building. "I don't know, Sir Scholar," The Master Thief said, "now put on some pants; we have to get Carro out of here, catch up with the others, and get out of here as soon as possible."

What will happen next time? Good thing I have a plan?!

Oh, and if someone posts before I leave, I'll update about Syl.

Wow, three updates in one sitting! Insanity!

During and after The Master Thief's spell

Syl, using her uncanny sense of "Follow Professor Snuggle-guts as he smells out Vandayle", quickly arrived at the Brothel where Mr V, Tran the Gan, and the Son had gone. Broken-Scale followed closely behind her, his burning flame of burniness burning brightly. He was on fire, okay?

"Thank you, Professor!" Syl exclaimed as she picked up the happy little puppy, "what a dear!" Professor Snuggle-guts barked happily, then jumped into Syl's empty pack. With the puppy safely stored, Broken-Scale and Syl entered the Brothel, which happened to smell like six and sweat. You know, as brothels are apt to do. The Brothel, in addition to its smell, had a booming bass riff, which throbbed all the right parts as the two entered. "Now, where are the others..." Syl muttered, gazing around sixily, "where indeed..." Broken-Scale tapped Syl on the shoulder, then pointed at a large gathering of women in the middle of the club. "Dudette, I bet they're like, right there!" Broken-Scale answered. Before they could investigate, however, a large Sload floated into the Brothel.

"Yum! Like, more snackage!" Broken-Scale shouted; the Sload began to turn around to float away, but before he could, Broken-Scale was upon him, snacking to his cold-blooded heart's content. Meanwhile, Syl approached the group of scantily clad women. Pushing through, her hands brushing up against more fleshly desires than even she was uncomfortable with, Syl entered the center of the gathering, where she found what every one of the women was interested in.

"Now, missy," Mr. V said to the half-naked Breton that was perched on his knee, "you don't need to do this. You're from High Rock, right?" The woman nodded. "Have any famly?" The woman nodded again. "I'm actually a Duchess," the Breton said, "I'm just doing this for fun!" As she spoke, her bosom heaved against the thin sheaf of a blouse that covered it. "Now, now, missy," Mr. V said, "back in my day, if'n a woman wanted to have fun, she'd write poetry or hunt wild animals. Once, I saw ole Almasixia kill a pack o' Nix hounds with her bare hands. Back before she was a god, too!" The Breton woman, life changed by Vandayle's wisdom, popped up from his knee, her chest popping out of her shirt as well. "You're right!" the Breton said, covering herself up as she did, "I don't need to sleep with strangers to have fun!"

The rest of the women nodded in agreement, then dispersed to return to their normal lives. "Looks like Vandayle saved some more lives today!" Mr. V tooted his own horn for a bit, "now, whaddya want, missy?" This last part was directed at Syl, who quickly explained the goings-on of the day. "A grave sitiation, fer sure," Vandayle groaned, "alright. We're headin' back to the Niben." Vandayle reached inside his flowing white robe and pulled out a small flute.

"Can I give that a blow?" Syl asked, instantly interested in the blue, oddly shaped instrument. "Sorry, dear," Vandayle answered, "ain't nobody touchin' my ocarina but me." With a glance at Tran the Gan, who was already waiting by the doorway with the still-sleeping Son and Broken-Scale, the group left the Brothel.

Once outside, Vandayle gave his ocarina a blow, and a pack of Cliff Racers flew in from the heavens themselves. "To the Niben!" Vandayle shrieked, and the Cliff Racers picked up each member in their claws, then flew off in the direction of the Niben Bay.

I didn't really care for this one. Probably cause I'm tired from all this writing you people are putting me through.

Next time: six months later... and an uprising.

I was also planning on having Daedric Carro be half-dude half-chick, but I dunno. We'll see if that happens. Nah, it probably will. Romance scene with herself, right? Okay, a new update. Sadly, I'm not brave enough to find an Argonian. Not after the things I saw...

Situation: Carro to the Max

The Master Thief puffed over to Carro, and placed the light woman across his shoulders. "It appears that the maiden is safe, for now," The Master Thief said, "come, Schmut E.; perhaps we shall catch up with Syl and the others, before they fly off." The Master Thief and Schmut E. barreled through the doors to "The Fine Lady's Wardrobe," a look of murder and rage dancing about their faces, seeming to say "I'll murder you if you cross my path." For, you see, both Schmut E. and The Master Thief weren't too pleased with Carro's plight; Schmut E. was angry that she had made rough, furious love to him, and that her Daedric side had finally emerged, and The Master Thief was angry that he had failed in his quest to protect any fair maiden he had encountered.

As they ran into the sunlight, Carro let out a gasp of pain, and began to shake uncontrollably again. "By the Eight and One," The Master Thief breathed, "she can't be chained, Schmut E.. Nothing can stop her." Schmut E. nodded his head in agreement, then offered to take Carro in his arms. The Master Thief shook his head, but before the two men could continue on their way, they both noticed a flight of Cliff Racers flying away from the city of Dusk. "Vandayle." The Master Thief said, in response to Schmut E.'s inquisitive gaze.

Suddenly, a blob of Sloads appeared in front of the men. "Ay, humie, you killed Biker Jacket Sload!" Head Sloanie gorbled, "ya know, he was da head inforker of Sloady Sloadie Sload, Emperrer of Da Sloadinical Empyre!" The Head Sloanie paused. "Ay, lookie at that chick! Howsa bout we letcha go, and ya let us go ta town on that chickie!" The other Sloanies giggled maniacally at the Head Sloanie's clever joke, like a pack of stray Hyenas laughing at a dead lion.

That is what they do, right? If not, the Lion King lied to me. Son of a... I knew it lied. Why would Lions take that kinda crap from a bunch of friggin' hyenas?

"Out of my way, scum," The Master Thief said in a low voice, "this fair maiden is in danger, and I do not have time to think of anything witty to say." The Master Thief paused to wink at The Master Thief. You go, ToP The Master Thief. You tell whats what!

Like all Sloanies, the Head Sloanie's tentacle was naturally aroused at the prospect of a fight. Its tentacle wriggled menacingly-

Which, I must say, all tentacles do, at least in ToP. I'd be menaced by it, at least. Who wouldn't? Gross, slimy things. Eugh!

- and flew through the air towards Carro's seemingly unprotected crotch. "Intervention!" Schmut E. shrieked, his hand slapping through the air to block the tentacle, which instantly wrapped around his hand. "Crikey! Get offa me, I don't want this bloke to crack a fat on me!"

Hahahaha, that is just so awesome. I love Aussie slang.

Luckily, The Master Thief lept to action, and sliced the Sload's tentacle off of Schmut E.'s hand before it could, indeed, crack a fat. "Hurry, Sir Scholar!" The Master Thief said, "grab on!" Schmut E. grabbed The Master Thief's hand, and the three of them disappeared in a puff of smoke. Something, however, was left behind.... Something, that, was, a, part, of, Carro.

Three Months Later

ex-Captain Rex sat quietly, thinking about the situation at hand. After leaving the corpse of N. I. Exclamation Point and his manservant at the ruins of the poop temple, the manly ex-Captain had gone straight to the Niben Bay, in search of Sheogorath's portal to the Isles. Rage burned inside ex-Captain Rex like a piece of bacon burns in the frying pan of hotness.

About a month had passed since the ex-Captain had arrived at the glowing, heady door. That month had been full of countless attempts at getting inside the doorway, to kill Sheogorath and save his child; however, this was impossible for the ex-Captain. Perhaps Sheogorath knew his plot and was scared of him; perhaps Rex wasn't insane enough to get inside; or perhaps the doorway was simply closed.

Whatever the reason, ex-Captain Rex's anger was growing by the minute. "OPEN THIS DOORWAY, RIGHT NOW!" ex-Captain Rex shouted for the five thousandth time that day, his throat raw and bloody from all the screaming, "BY THE NINE DIVINES, I WILL END YOU, SHEOGORATH! YOUR HEAD IS MINE!"

Oh, what is that, dear reader? "Why is ex-Captain Rex so angry at Sheogorath?" you ask, puzzlement in your voice. "Sheogorath has his child. Duh." "Oh, right." I give you a look of "You are so forgetful, but I love you the same. Like a foolish little puppy that runs into the sliding glass door, and I already used this anology, but you probably forgot it already."

As ex-Captain Rex shouted, the portal began to glow, and a man emerged from it. To be more accurate, a Bosmer leaped from the portal, crown gleaming in the sunlight, cheese sword at the ready. "Hello, loves!" the Bosmer shouted, "I'm back, baby!" His yell was interrupted at ex-Captain Rex's massive claymore slammed into his throat. "Tell. Me. Where. Sheogorath. Is." ex-Captain Rex growled, "Or. Die."

The Bosmer pealed out a brilliant laugh, then reached up and pushed away Rex's sword. "Please, Muscles," the Bosmer said, "that is no way to treat a Duke!" The Bosmer raised his cheese sword. "Now, if you really want to know, we'll have to act in a manner befitting gentlemen: A duel, I say!" ex-Captain Rex agreed, knowing that a duel was generally the quickest way to get things done.

Just then, a flapping noise emanated from above their heads, and a group of people landed upon the island, with a general consensus of "oomph!" One of the people, a stunning maiden, extricated herself from the tangle of people, and upon seeing the two, shrieked in delight.
Update two- I'm out of ideas

Just kidding. Can you imagine? What would happen then?

Right, so where we last left off, the mysterious Wielder of the Cheese Sword was starting a duel with ex-Captain Rex, who I'm really glad to write for again, as he actually has a purpose, while a group of strange people landed on the island. Riding flying dreughs, apparently. Now, one of these mysterious people was a Bosmer woman, who was currently shrieking an ear-sixing scream.

Yeah, that is right. Ear-sixing. That is how excited she was.

"By Jove, is it... my Dearest Syl!?!?" Cheese-blader swore, "I couldn't be more thrilled! My second visit to Mundus, and already I've found my honey!" Syl, meanwhile, had thrown herself from the rocky precipice where she stood, into Thadon's waiting arms. "Oh, Thadon!" Syl murmured, "you are more handsome than the three men I've slept with over these past three months." Thadon's jaw dropped open. "Honey, what?" Thadon muttered. "Er, I mean, I'm so happy to see you!" Syl exclaimed; before Thadon could respond, Syl planted a massive kiss on his waiting lips.

Thadon swooned and collapsed to the ground. "Oh, Syl," he gasped, "the only thing better than greenmote is you!"

I'd like to take a moment to talk about love. Love is one of the most wonderful things in the world. "Oh, The Master Thief," you cry, "why do you torment me so? I can't find true love, which is why I read your Tale of Pepjiit, which is the closest thing to love that I can find!" I chuckle and clap a slender hand on your shoulder. "Don't worry, dear reader! All you need is confidence, and soon enough, you'll be getting enough hot, reckless love that you'll never need true love!" You nod your head, amazed at my profound wisdom. "Of course, that means you'll always be lonely, never really finding a purpose to life. Too bad. Hey, what is this? Thadon and Syl are passionately kissing on the rocks! Lets/let's watch!" I chuckle again. Those crazy kids!

"Sire! Sire!" ex-Captain Rex bellowed, futilely trying to interrupt the two, "we're in the middle of a duel!" Thadon lifted his Diadem from where it had slipped, over his eyes, to look at ex-Captain Rex. "Oh, excuse me, sir! I'm busy at the moment, soooo if you would kindly re-schedule our duel?" Thadon picked up his cheese sword and smacked Syl's perky behind with it. "Oooh! I love it when you hit me with the cheese sword!" Syl huskily whispered, and the two continued their love-making on the rocks.

"NOOO!" ex-Captain Rex dragon-shouted, interrupting the two again. "I DEMAND SATISFACTION! YOUR LORD HAS MY CHILD, AND I WANT IT BACK!" Thadon paused again, then looked ex-Captain Rex in the eyes. "Oh, that? Yeah, Sheo told me to tell you that he doesn't have your kid. Ocato does." Thadon began to kiss Syl again. Using his sense of lying, ex-Captain Rex realized that Thadon was, indeed, telling the truth. "Of course... OCATOOOO!" ex-Captain Rex screamed, "he knew that I could never be controlled, should I choose to become Emperor... so he will use my child to take the throne."

Or whatever it is that Emperors use to rule. A throne? Palace? White-Gold Tower? Snicker. Snicker.

Just then, a voice called out from the rocks. "Sonny-boy, you mean to tell me that you are a Septim?" an old Dark Elf dropped down to where ex-Captain Rex stood, followed closely by a buff looking Imperial, a sleeping Khajiit, and an Argonian who was seemingly on fire. Realizing who the mer was, ex-Captain Rex dropped to a knee, sheathing his claymore as he did so. "Vandayle Amperellis of the Buoyant Armigers. I've heard rumors of your exploits... killing Dagoth Ur fifteen times, impregnating Almalexia thousands of times, and even drinking pure lava once. I'm not worthy, sir!"

Vandayle strode over to Rex, then helped the man to his feet. "Pshaw, young'un. All tall tales... 'cept the one about ole Almasixia. Hoo, the things I did ta her!" Mr. V smiled at his fond memories, then looked ex-Captain Rex in the eye, "so ya say yer a Septim?" ex-Captain Rex nodded. "Whose yer daddy?" ex-Captain Rex seemed to think over it for a second, then answered. "Uriel, of course. I was Martin's brother." Mr. V's jaw dropped in shock. "Boy, no wonder that rat Ocato wants yer kid! Wit' him, we'll be havin' lotsa problems..."

As if to punctuate the sentiment, a loud rumbling shook the small island. "Dudes, whats going on?" the fiery Argonian asked, "Broken-Scale does not think this is rad!" Another rumble shook the island, much to the delight of Syl. For obvious reasons. I hope. Maybe not. Whatever, I'm not here to please you.

At least, that is what I thought.

Meanwhle

The Beast howled in rage. Three months earlier, it had almost found its quarry, one Master of Blades. However, she had somehow managed to get away from him, aided by a man or mer that smelled just wrong. In the months that followed his loss, the Beast had traveled all over Tamriel, to no avail. Something seemed to pull at him, drawing him towards the Imperial City.... upon the three month anniversary of his loss, the Beast found himself creeping outside a small, yet fortified, house.

Also, meanwhile

"Slay the transgressors!" Carro muttered in her sleep; her voice a twisted, sixier version of its regular high and pretty self. The Master Thief turned away from his watch for a moment to gaze upon Carro with concern. His eyes, shielded by a pair of red sunglasses, misted over with sadness for the young maiden. Ever since their escape from the city of Dusk, Carro hadn't been able to maintain a restful sleep; every day, upon waking up, the maiden would claim to have been in another place, in another body, with other people.

The Master Thief knew that the Daedric Carro still walked the lands; where, however, he was unsure. A rattling of the doorknob marked Schmut E.'s return, so The Master Thief gently kicked open the shut door, letting the popular Scholar back inside. "Sir Scholar, what did you find?" The Master Thief asked, hoping for the best, as always.

Schmut E.'s look of pure sorrow, like a puppy who just ate the last slice of bacon-

I wonder if anyone ever made bacon pie. Someone should. Mmmm, bacon.... Also, I'd like to talk to you about some concerns you might have about the Tale of Pepjiit. "Oh, The Master Thief," you say, "I know you are brilliant and good-looking, but you seem to have forgotten about the point of the Tale of Pepjiit. You know, Pepjiit?" I chuckle profusely, then take a page from Schmut E.'s book and slap you across your assuming face. "Hahahah! I know what the story is called. I'm getting there. Next thread, we're seeing a major change." I take off my sunglasses to look you in the eyes. You tremble in fear, not realizing that this paragraph is only here to distract you from the gravity of this section of the update. "Dead change." I don't know exactly why I said that, but it doesn't work at all. Still, it is the thought that counts, and you swoon in respect and admiration for my sheer coolocity. Luckily, HEY LOOK MORE UPDATE

-, told The Master Thief everything he needed to know. "Crikey, its no use! The Imperial Library is in ruins! All of the librarians are dead, and I can't find a thing." Schmut E. looked at Carro's pulsating form. "What about our Sheila? Doin' any better?" The Master Thief shook his masked head. "I shalln't give up on her, not yet," The Master Thief proclaimed, "come, now. We must eat."

Before the two men could begin to eat, a howling noise erupted from just outside the door. "Crikey! What in th-" Schmut E. was interrupted by a furry figure bursting through the door. The creature landed near Carro, its eyes burning like Broken-Scale's crotch, and let loose another howl. "A Beast of Vengeance!" Schmut E. exclaimed, slapping hand at the ready, "but upon whom?"

The Beast stopped its howling, then stood up straight to look the two men in their eyes. "Hello, gentlemen," the Beast said, "Y'm back."

Questions blah blah blah, next time

The "I missed watching a show, so I'm updating this stupid thing instead" Update

Right, so where we last left off, I really need to get all of thread two's updates in one location, so as to put them in thread three's start. Hold a few minutes, I'll do that and be right back.

Wow, this is taking literally forever. What kind of moron puts all that lettering in the first thread? Oh, me, right. Screw you, The Paster Thief. I'm sick of your complicating things with The Master Thief. If I had a time machine, I'd travel back to May 17 (wow, that was exactly a month and a day ago), and slap you across your smug face!

Well, okay, as I wait for the first entry to become open for editing, I guess I can continue on with the story.

So when we last left off, a whole bunch of stuff was happening. I think I'll talk about the Heroes in the House, for now.

The Heroes in the House

"Hold a moment, sire," The Master Thief declared, "is that... N. I. Exclamation Point? How did you turn so... wolfy and non-smelly?" N. I. Exclamation Point growled out a laugh. "Y can't remember! Yt was so long ago, and thys form feels so ryght, that Y can't remember!" Schmut E.'s jaw dropped. "Crikey! Aren't you that donger from almost a year ago, who tried to riddle us on the bridge?" N. I. Exclamation Point gave Schmut E. his most penetrating stare. "Yes! You pushed me off of the brydge!" N. I. Exclamation Point raised his claws, then seemed to control his emotions and stop.

"Well, yf you must know," N. I. said, "Y work as a thyef for The Master Thyef over there. Also, yntellygence and surveyllence." Schmut E. looked at The Master Thief, who nodded his head in affirmation. "No-one ever suspects the poop troll, Schmut E.," The Master Thief said, "a creature so foul, so pathetic, that you'd rather ignore it than worry about what it is hearing." N. I. Exclamation Point gave a claws-up, then continued to speak.

"Y traveled wyth the ex-Captayn of the Guard, Rex," N. I. said, "however, after thys stunnyng transformatyon, Y found myself yn Ocato's bedchamber." The Master Thief's masked jaw dropped open. "Did you slay the foul Mer?" The Master Thief asked, "that would certainly put a crimp in his Master's plans." N. I. shook his wolfine head, downtrodden like a man whose bacon was just eaten by a puppy, then before he could open the rest of the package, a pack of puppies chowed down on the remains. Awful, awful thing.

"Sorry, syr; whyle Y dyd wound hym, he managed to survyve my ynytyal attack." The Master Thief strode over to N. I., and put a chummy arm across his quivering shoulders. "Don't worry about it, Sir Beast," The Master Thief said, "so what have you been doing for these past three months?"

The Beast gave them a look of anger, like a cat who just found itself in a room full of dogs; also, the cat is covered in barbecue sauce, and the dogs are hungry. Dead hungry.

Seriously, why do I keep saying things like that? "Dead hungry?" What does that even mean? Dead serious. Stop it, fingers! Dead doesn't go in front of everything!

Right, so then N. I. said (he was the Beast, if you couldn't tell), "Y've been trackyng a woman... the Master of Blades." Schmut E.'s jaw dropped open faster than Syl's heart beats when she sees Thadon (d'awww). "Crikey... my fiancee?!?" Schmut E. demanded.

WHOA! Look at that sudden, M. Night twist! Who would have guessed!?!?

Meanwhile

Thadon stared into Syl's eyes, which are of an indeterminate color at this time (I'll let Syl decide!), and passionately kissed her on the lips again. Suddenly, the Duke of Mania felt a furry pattering across his feet. "Hold on a moment, honey lips," Thadon said, gently rolling the swooning Syl off of him. "Oh, my!" Thadon exclaimed, "look at this a-dor-able puppy!"

Syl slowly picked herself up. "Mmm, thats the Professor. Now, the love-making?" The Duke of Mania half-heartedly turned around. "But... puppy?" Syl sighed; this was exactly why she'd been sleeping around (in a dainty, lady-like way). "Thadon. Give. Me. six. Now." Syl sixily commanded; Thadon instantly ignored the Professor, and leaped upon Syl.

The two ravaged each other with a ravenous hunger.

Yeah, I used that line again.

Something to update about later... maybe Ocato. I dunno.

And since no-one has commented in twelve hours, I guess I'll keep going with this one. Seriously, I'm using down-time to update this stupid thing...

Whatever

"Dudes. Dudes. Dudes!" Broken-Scale screamed like a Ninja Turtle, as he pointed at the large Oblivion Gate that was rising out of the lake, "what in Stendarr's Hammer is that?" Thadon looked up from his passionate embrace, then muttered, "Ah, right. Forgot to tell you chaps: that is going to be the portal for our armies to come through." Syl's finely manicured hand grabbed the back of Thadon's head, and pulled him back down with a giggle.

"By the Nine, look at the size of it!" ex-Captain Rex declared, eyes wide open like when Carrot sees that guy from that show she likes, "it is immense! Magnificent! The only true rival to myself! Oh, and the Oblivion Gate... yeah, that is something else, right."

Get it? Get it? No? Well, you'll have to ask Syl, I suppose. She'll know what I'm talkin' about.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about the Ninja Turtles. Guh, Leonardo - what a tool. I hate that guy so much! "Oh, we have to stay in the sewers! Master Splinter says it is dangerous outside! Master Splinter says we have to eat vegetables! Master Splinter says we have to train!" Seriously, Leo, no-one likes a svck-up, and I'm sure that Master Splinter hates you as well. I know I do. And you have swords, bro! You are one of the two Turtles capable of stabbing someone, and you complain about danger? You are a ninja! Ninjas aren't afraid of street thugs! You wonder why nobody likes you? It is cause you're a jerk ass!

Man, do I hate Leo.

Half-an-hour-later

"Wait, staging portal for armwryyys?" Tran the Gan spoke up, getting his first line in three months, "what do you mean?" Thadon, satisfactorily pleased from his love-makin', smoked a cigar as he answered. "Well, eventual staging portal. Lord Sheogorath wants some allies, right, before he calls in all of his flaming bonehounds and whatnot."

"-YYYYYY suppose that makes sense," Tran the Gan replied, "but what does that mean?" Syl sat up, her nvde body nicely covered by the convenient l-shaped blanket that everyone has, ever. "Oh, right; Lord Sheogorath was pretty adamant about getting people to fight with us. You know, standard old "We should convince every province to rebel against Ocato, then attack him head on" type of quest." Syl reached over and plucked the cigar, which was actually a stick of cheese, from Thadon's mouth, then gave it a bite. "Superb cheese, honey." Thadon nodded his head in thanks. "Made it mysefl. Some cow wanted to take your title while you were gallivanting in Mundus, so I grinded up her bones and added them to the batch." Syl giggled in happiness, then planted another kiss on Thadon's lips. "Why I married you!" Syl giggled.

What a happy couple.

And now... the return of Pepjiit!

A Sunday Update

Of Sundayness. Or whatever it is in Tamriel. Sundas? Probably. I dunno, I'm not a freaking scholar, I'm a writer! Guh, you people.

Right, so when we last left off - oh, shock, I promised the return of Pepjiit? Okay, well whatever. I guess I can do that.

The return of Pepjiit

"Pepjiit," a feminine voice crooned, like one of those hot chicks at the bar, where you're all like "Damn, she is fine!", so you go to talk to her, and end up doing the Anvil Anchor, after which she knocks you out and steals your boots or something, "Pepjiit... wake up...." The Son, who was currently hearing these croonations, looked around. "What is going on? I must still be asleep... wait, I thought I was dead!" The Son orated, "what in the name of Azura is going on?" "Pepjiit... look at your hands..."

The Son, being a smart kind of dude, looked at his hands. A sealed bottle, filled to the top with some blackish liquid, rested in his right hand. "What is this?" The Son asked; deep down, however, he knew what it was, like a puppy that magically knows where you hide your bacon; he knew that it was his ticket to life.

"Drink it... drink it..." the voice purred, "now... now..." The Son, being skeptical, did no such thing. "Yeah, right, [censored]. Like I'm gonna drink a mysterious liquid, just because some hidden, magic voice tells me to. I'm not dumb, lady." The Son started to drop the bottle and walk away, in a huff, probably. "I think not..." the voice growled, "look again."

The Son, growing angry with this mockery of life, looked down at his hand again. The bottle was firmly attached, almost as if it was beckoning for him to partake in its innards. "[censored]! I'm not drinking your [censored] liquid, damn it!" The Son stopped. "Wait, this is one of those bogus 'You have to do what you don't want to, in order to succeed' quests, isn't it? Oh, man, I love those!" The Son, now eager to win, pulled the cork off of the bottle, then downed its contents in one large gulp.

"Holy -" the Son began to say; before he could finish, he began to shake uncontrollably, like Carro does as she sleeps. "That is the best thing I've ever-" the Son exploded in a flash of light...

Only to find himself

Near the entrance to the Isles. Tran the Gan, the Imperial he had met almost a year ago, stood over him, a look of hunger gleaming across his vampire's smile. "Tran the Gan! How good to see you!" the Son said, "how long was I out?" Tran the Gan paused. "Uh, you seem different," Tran the Gan replied, "what is up with your eyes?"

Pepjiit shot to his feet, moving faster than the speed of light. "I don't know; what is wrong with your face?" the Son snickered, then blasted over to the island's edge, as Tran the Gan took a second to realize he'd just been insulted. "Oh, I see what you mean," the Son thought aloud, as he gazed into the water, "they seem to be red on one side, and blue on the other. Odd indeed."

Suddenly, ex-Captain Rex drew his claymore. "YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO POISONED ALL OF THE IMPERIAL CITY!" ex-Captain Rex shouted, then took a breath (come on, that was a long shout), "I WILL DEFEAT YOU!" ex-Captain Rex lunged through the air, his blade a shining, erect [censored] of doom. The Son barely dodged out of the way, and ex-Captain Rex's sword nicked his forearm as it traced its phallic path in the air.

"Ow ow ow! What the hell is wrong with you?" The Son screeched, holding his wounded arm to his chest, "not cool, man! Not cool!" As the Son's blood trickled down his forearm, Vandayle's eyes widened in shock. "Whipper-snapper," Vandayle said, pointing at the Son's arm as he did so, "now, I know my eyesight ain't as good as it used ta be, but that ain't blood!" The Son looked down at his arm; indeed, the liquid that oozed from it wasn't blood. Rather, it was the blackish liquid from before. "Oh, awesome!" the Son shouted, "I love this stuff!"

Meanwhile

"Your fyancee?" N. I. shrieked, "what? But why was she doyng yt wyth that half-orc half-goblyn?" Schmut E. threw himself into the closest chair. "Crikey, I'm glad you asked. How about I explain the situation in a long-winded speech about my life?" Before Schmut E. could begin, a pounding was heard on the door, like a chick, but almost as if the chick was wounded and mostly dead.

So more of a tapping, really. "Wow, The Master Thief," you shout, "you really had to write that, loser?" I pause in my writing to look at you. "Hey. If you don't like it, we can quite having these fake conversations, okay? Screw you, fake reader!" You stop, depressed at what you have done. "I'm sorry, The Master Thief-" "No, shut up. I'm done with you. Jerk ass."

The Master Thief silently drew his blade, as N. I. hopped up into the rafters, where he crouched like a crouching werewolf. Schmut E. slapped out of the chair, to land near the mumbling, sleeping Carro. "Who goes there?" The Master Thief inquired, his sharp sword pointing firmly at the door, "answer, or face your doom."

When no answer arrived, The Master Thief threw the doorway open, only to leap back in surprise. "Ocato's men!" The Master Thief shouted, as a large goblin plowed into the door. The goblin's armor, adorned with Ocato's smiling face, gleamed in the candlelight like a shiny piece of greasy bacon. "Heheehehehe! Masster Sybss sssaid you'd be here!" the Goblin barely had time to exclaim, as N. I. fell from the rafters, jaws opened as widely as wolfishly possible. The Goblin's head disappeared from its body with a disgusting crack. "Goblyns are nasty!" N. I. howled, then moved to stand in front of Carro as more of the creatures barreled through the doorway. "Defend the maiden!" The Master Thief declared, stabbing a goblin as he did so.

Fight scene

Five hours later, our Heroes stood tired and angry. The sheer amounts of goblinage had exhausted even Schmut E.'s slapping hand, and the stench was becoming increasingly unbearable. After the five-hundredth wave, our Heroes had just begun piling the corpses up to blockade the doorway; this had only made the remaining goblins more furious, like a man who has just found his bacon eaten by a puppy.

As The Master Thief wiped his blade off on the corpse of a goblin, Carro yawned daintily, and awokened very gorgeously. "Oh, my!" Carro exclaimed, upon seeing the piles of Goblin corpses, "what did I miss?" Carro's cute nose wrinkled up at the smell. "This house is disgusting! We should find another place to stay! Ooh, I know! My forest!" Schmut E. and The Master Thief exchanged glances, then helped Carro to her feet. "Crikey... come along then, Carro. We'll go to your forest."

Little did they know, however, that something would be waiting for them there. Or, should I say... someone. Like an eager woman, waiting to steal your boots.


Naturally, our Heroes arrived at Carro's forest unscathed, relatively speaking. Sure, Schmut E.'s slapping hand was raw and bloody, The Master Thief's sword was broken in five places, and N. I.'s mouth was full of goblin crotches. Suffice to say, they weren't in the best fighting shape. Well, no. They were better than most of anyone else, but if another person of their caliber were to find them... well, they'd be in a hot plate of trouble.

Which is exactly what happened. Oh, what, you want everything to be peaches and happiness? That ain't life, kid. But how about, because I'm feeling gratuitous today, I show you a look at how lame that would be:

Side-story- How lame would that be?

"Oh, gee whilikers, The Master Thief," Schmut E. said, "I broke a nail! That has to be the worst injury I've ever had, in the land of perfect utopia!"

That is it

I really couldn't go on. What a terrible place to live.

As the foursome entered Carro's Grove, The Master Thief's thieving-sense began to tingle. "My thieving-sense is tingling, gentlemen and lady," The Master Thief declared softly, "I'd better check out the situation. Excuse me for a moment." The Master Thief disappeared in a swirl of smoke, and the three continued on without him.

"Doggy! Doggy!" Carro said to N. I., trying to get the wolf-troll's attention, "I have a biscuit for you! Here you go!" Carro laughed daintily as the biscuit hit N. I. in the nose and fell to the ground. A small flight of birds flash-fried in mid-air, and one of them landed in N. I.'s waiting jaws. "Y've told you before, and Y'll tell you agayn! Y'm not a doggy, Y'm a wolf-troll!" N. I. growled; for, you see, Carro was under the impression that their new companion was a doggy.

"Oh, you silly creature! Thinking you are a human!" Carro giggled, then ran past the exploding rabbit to enter her grove. "Why, if it isn't Bastibal Bear," Carro exclaimed, upon seeing her pet bear, Bastibal, roaming about the forest, "and Reginald Rabbit!" Indeed, all of Carro's forest friends were in there; however, upon seeing the gorgeousness of the maiden, they all exploded in joy. Except for Bastibal; he simply fainted in surprise.

"That always happens," Carro breathed, tapping a finely-manicured finger against her pretty chin, "too bad. I'll just have to make new friends!" Schmut E. exchanged a glance with N. I., then went over to sit by Carro, who was leaning up against Bastibal Bear. "Crikey, how are you going to do that?" Schmut E. asked; in all his years of being best friends forever with Carro, he had never seen the maiden make any animal friends. They were just always there, like some sort of bacon eating puppy that refuses to leave.

"Watch and see, dearest friend of mine!" Carro giggled, then began to sing. Her sweet, beautiful voice pulled in a plethora of forest creatures, all of which were cute or adorable in some way. But none could match the beauty of Carro Tsandwich.

Schmut E.'s jaw dropped open. "Crikey, Carro... I never knew that a Sheila like you had such a good voice..." Schmut E. threw a hand to his face. "Crikey, I think I got goblin blood in my eye. Excuse me, I'll be back in a second." Schmut E. hurried to a copse of trees just outside the grove, and wiped his non-bloody hand across his eyes. Before he could return, however, a large shadow fell across him, and its owner dropped to the ground, knocking the young Scholar unconscious in the blink of an eye.


As Carro played with a small baby drop-bear, and N. I. looked at the small baby drop-bear like a puppy looks at your last slice of bacon, The Master Thief re-appeared in a flash of smoke. "Sir and madam, we need to leave, now!" The Master Thief proclaimed, "where is Schmut E.?"

"Right here, sixy," a sultry, feminine voice cooed from the entrance of the clearing, "but you already knew that, didn't you?" Daedric Carro sauntered into the grove, holding Schmut E. under one arm. The demon woman, unlike Carro, radiated an aura of pure sixuality; her wardrobe, which consisted of nothing more than a torn Black Marsh Bra, a Tamriel's Terrific Thong, and a pair of High Rock High Heels, clashed with her counterpart's fine white dress and comfortable, yet attractive, Skyrim Slippers. "Take your trash back, hottie," Daedric Carro gasped, "he isn't much use to me." Daedric Carro threw Schmut E. across the grove at The Master Thief, who deftly caught him. "What do you want from us, demon?" The Master Thief asked, as he gently set Schmut E. on the soft, mossy ground.

"Not what. Who." Daedric Carro stereotypically moaned, "her." Daedric Carro pointed at Carro, crouching to the ground as she did. Her pinkish legs spread wide as she did so, revealing how shapely her thighs were. The Master Thief, trying to ignore Daedric Carro as she began to rub her thighs and lick her lips, stared directly into her eyes. "Madam," The Master Thief declared, "I'm afraid that I shalln't allow that. Now, if you'll excuse us..." The Master Thief disappeared in a flash of smoke, along with Carro, Schmut E., and N. I. Exclamation Point.

Daedric Carro's eyes opened wider than her legs. "Mmmm," Daedric Carro groaned, "I looove a good chase..." The pinkish woman rose to her feet, then unfurled her wings, and with a shriek of ecstasy, took off in the direction of Skingrad. The forest creatures, upon hearing her shriek, exploded in a gory mess.

Dramatic Pause