Ok so this is going to be my first fan fic tell me what ya think ok?:)

Chapter 1

The Wood Elf Lilithi finds herself trapped in a cell when she awakens from what seems like years of a slumber. She rakes her mind to why she is here but can not remember, maybe a bit of mead or ale is in order, if she ever gets out that is…She hears someone coming, from the sound of the feet hitting pavement she decides maybe about three people, maybe four. Just as she looks up the stairs she sees a light so raw it blinds her for a few seconds, as her vision clears Lilithi hears people talking than she sees the voices coming from two guards and someone dressed rather elegantly for someone coming to be put into a cell….

Strangly they stop at her cell, the third person who she sees now is a older man behind the guards is not in shackles.The guards, a female and male tell me to back away towards the back wall, my poorly clothed back rubs against the stone sending a shiver down it, while the light from the bared window warms my body all at once, my hair shinning a bright white while my skin showing a darker shade of brown.
I see all three people enter my cell, awaiting one of two things, one a new cell mate for the time being or two my execution, while this clearly well off, rich man watches, probably for his sick fun of some sort, but instead something different, shocking happens.

One of the guards addresses the elder man as Sir, I am guessing he is some sort of noble, they than do something odd, they remove my shackles as the older man steps closer to take a long look at my features and goes on to talk about how I am the one, the chosen one and blah blah blah destiny blah blah bull crap…I need a longggg drink after this.
They get the stones to move with a press up their hands on the it to open up a hidden passage way and say I must be special so I follow though I can tell no one but this “Sir” thinks that. So I follow them only to be attacked by people in robes who seemly appear from no where, I take shelter in the shadows where I know I will be safe. After the fighting and clashing of swords and shields, I get a glance at a very valuable looking stone that I did not notice the older Sir wearing before, I wonder how much it would fetch, but with all the guards around I would never know and no weapons in my possession either. We come across a gated door, everyone goes through it but me, for some reason they decide this is where we split off….Just this a wall tumbles away and two giant rats leap through, I bare my fists for a fight, punch one in the head knocking it or worse, the other one latches onto my arm with its disgusting teeth, as I fight with it and manage to rip it off as its teeth rip into my arm leaving some gashes I grab the other rat by the tail and smash it against the cold stone again and again till I see blood forming and the skin around the head start to tear open, I let it drop and go through the hole as my only way out, only to come across another giant rat, I dodge its attack as it leaps at my face seeing its disgusting bared teeth, I luckily find a chest, open it hurryingly to find some gold and better yet a rusty yet useable axe!
I swing it around just as I hear the rodent push off from the ground towards me lodging the axe into the side of its face as the force pulls the axe from my hands to the ground, I think of taking it with me but decide I need to get out of hear as soon as I am able, I really need a long drink right about now…

I walk awhile more to see no more rodents but instead remains of some poor soul, I can’t tell what race but I know he or she has been here for a long time now, next to the pile of bones likes a bow with a chest, I check the chest to find some more gold,lockpicks that could come in handy and a Sapphire next to some arrows and a rusty dagger. I take all of them out only to find another surprise in the form of clothing, leather based to be exact, some boots and a cuirass which I replace for my rags of shoes and shirt, a great find!

I travel down a corridor only to be greeted by another rat, who instead of wasting my arrows I raise my hand, do a fast chant and set a flame with a fire ball before it even reaches me, I let it continue to burn as I walk onwards to find another chest with some Iron greaves in it that I strap onto my legs, I feel a lot better now having removed all the rags off my toned body.

I come across some rats, I get out my dagger ready to slay them yet they take no heed of me as they run past me.I wait a bit only to smell more than see the ghoul stumbling after what would have been its meal, only to see a better meal, that would be me. I sheath my dagger getting read to cast another spell, the famed spell of my race, the spell known as the Beast Tongue that will let me command any beast I wish to for a limited amount of time.Right before the zombie attacks me I release the spell at it and it stops, the vile thing. I think I will travel with it for awhile…Good thing to since I run into three rats who all attack the ghoul as I search a near by chest to find some more arrows and gold, knowing though sadly I will loss control of the ghoul soon I get my bow at the ready, draw a bow, aim and fire, hitting it square in the forehead as I watch him fall as I go through a door at the end of the area. I come across some goblins and more rodents and kill them all with a fast release of a spell or arrow and up close work with my dagger normally cutting into there stomach to let the entrails and blood dispatch from their meaty prison.

After what seems like hours I come across a large opening only to realize I am surrounded again with stone walls, never so happy to see again nor to happy to see the company I started out with alive as well, just as I am about to jump from my opening to the clearing below to where they are located another group of hooded figures appear from no where, I notice which I did not before is they are all aiming for the older man, maybe for his golds or items but why all of them just for one man I wonder? One guard goes down from a slice to the neck and another hooded one goes down as well only leaving one guard, and the old man alive when I jump to the clearing once the battle is done with.
As the guard yells to attack me assuming I was with the hooded ones the man who they seem to listen to without question tells them I am not one of them, I am amazed at why anyone would listen to a old one like this just because he had money? He asks me to oddest question like what I was born under, to which I tell him The Steed.We than travel onwards deeper into the cavern, to go towards another opening to lead us out only to find it blocked, the guard yells out “It’s a trap” as we are ambushed me and the man run back towards another area only to find a dead end, he than shockingly gives me the stone around his neck saying HE is the emperor!!! I can hardly believe my ears as the stone wall behind him moves to reveal another hooded assassin who stabs him in the back severing his spinal cord before I could draw a bow in time. The guard runs through to find the Emperor dead and the assassin attacking me, with the help of the guard we defeat him. He asks me where the giant rock was that he had, if it was taken, I show him it was not to which he asks me what is my class to see if I am worthy I suppose in carrying it, little does he know that I plan to pawn it for coin when I get out of here, though I decide to tell him the truth that my Class is special, it is known as a combo between the thieves skills and warriors or knights and archery, there is no name worthy of my class. After so I proceed onwards past the sewers into the outside world, to fresh air, to freedom and to anything I can drink..

:toughninja: I know I svck :sweat:
But I just love :tes: I had to try it out and don't worry there will be dialog in next chapter as soon as I learn how to do that correctly XD *after so many years of reading so many books and I still don't know how* :wallbash:

From what I read, I see that you are taking an approach on Oblivion's storyline. While it's been done many times before, I suppose you can give it a try. You need to write more detailed, such as dialogue.

For example:

You wrote: He asks me to oddest question like what I was born under, to which I tell him The Steed.

Instead, it should be like:

"I know these stars well, and I wonder... which sign marked your birth?" asked the elderly man with his strange questions.

"The steed" I answered him.

Woops for some reason I thought I put that down sorry lol, well its Oblivion style than it shall go onto Skyrim style in the areas that Lilithi visits, kinda like you did so basicly the king shall be forgotten and since its a fan fic I will sell that item XD lol but ya is that ok?

Ya I put that in at the end that it will have more detail like dialog, is there anything I should add more detail to? I will try my best in Ch 2 to add that since I am working on that now

Chapter 2

As I open the last gate to freedom I get greeted by a beautiful view of the giant ocean that lays before me, it is truly wonderfully. I walk up to the dock’s edge, letting the warm sun lay its rays onto my skin, how nice it feels to be out of that damp, dark cell. I am still not able to remember why I was in there, maybe I got knocked on my head I do not know but nothing some ale and a good sleep in a warm bed could not fix. I decide that enough is enough, I strip off my armor and lay my weapons down and take a running leap into the clear water, loving the feeling of my dark skin as water runs up and over it, the coldness of it feels nice with the sun so high and bright overhead. I swim, passing rocks green with moss, wet sand and trees. I dive under the water letting my short hair get wet from being captive to being underground for so long.

I surface only to be a few miles away from where I started, I decided it was best to go back to my equipment before someone takes it, or worse before someone sees a young female like myself butt naked swimming in the lake and decide to get anything funny in mind, I swim back, letting the setting sun cool my skin and try it as best as it is able than get my stuff together and my armor and weapons back on making sure nothing was taken, I sit out for awhile longer letting my hair dry before I straighten it out with my fingers and I go on my way to the closest place for food and drink n’ adventuring, The Imperial City.

As soon as I enter the Market District I find a guard, only to be hesitant at first of what he might do since I escaped but wind must have not met his ears yet for I was not captured on the spot, so I asked for directions for a bed for the night, he gave me several to which I decided I would visit later, I talked to the few people I saw at such a late hour wandering the streets and they were talking about a place called Cheydinhal and the adventures and discounts to be had, so the first thing I did instead of selling that rock of a gem was to sell some of the stuff I had found in the sewers and buy a horse for my own to than travel to Cheydinhal.

On my way there though I notice a lot of caves, I decide with my new stock of supplies like arrows and potions I would do well, hoping to find some gems of my own to sell along with that bigger one I had received due to some stupid destiny I don’t care to understand, I went in torch at the ready and a new Iron Longsword I had bought and Iron Shield I know I would defeat anything in there! I got off my trusty horse by the small river bank near by and went inside and was surprised at how dark it was, the only light coming from the cracks in the door behind me from the rising sun outside to my torch, I ventured forth only to be attacked by a man, he hesitated by the torch though I did not realize this at the time for as soon as I put the torch out and threw it away to have a better grip on my sword and shield he attacked. I just barely got my shield up in time, unfortunately the force of his attack and speed knocked me off balance and set me to my knees only to be attacked again with just as much force but this time allowing me to swig my sword at his feet, missing but none the less that little window of time allowed me to get back on my own.

I returned with fast speeds as I smashed my shield into my opponent, sending him stepping back a few than slashing my sword at his abdomen, a line or red velvet started to seep from the wound I just caused, running down his skin as the shock from the wound made the man stop and grab at the wound only to late to see it open up even more as more blood gushed out letting him bleed to death and fall to his knees, dead. I walked over to him grabbing his potion and downing it for myself, feeling my wounds close and heal themselves, I than lit another torch and studied his face, he looked older than me, a Dummer that was for certain but he had a odd white blue tint to his skin instead of the normal dark tone, odd but I paid it no head as I search his body for any coin I could find, coming up nay I went deeper into the cavern. Apon going further I notice some dark red tint to the walls of the cave here and there, apon looking at it more I notice by the texture of it on my fingers it is blood, animal or human/elf/orge I have no idea..

Suddenly I hear a sound in the distance, I scan the room with my blue eyes to see nothing than I check my side pocket bag and pull out a bottle, I drink all to the last drop finding it to be a rather bitter taste, close my eyes n’ when I open to see everything as if there where thousands of candles lining the walls of the cave casting enough light to see from where I was to several spaces infront of me and to my sides, I move on to find a large open space, there is some sort of rock with candles around it and a stain of blood in the middle, assuming this was for some sort of ritual I decide to start my leave back, but several treasure chests are on either side of me, I run over to one than the other to find valuables like gold and jewelry and even a dagger, all worth a few hundred at best when sold at the right price, as I am packing away everything I hear a rock move on the ground behind me, than a intake of breath, I quickly draw my sword, to slow to grab my shield I swing around just in time to block a blow from a Nord women, who even though looking rather sick and skin and bone is managing to hold a iron sword with ease, I blink away my shock as we break away.
We stare at one another and than and only than as the last of my NightEye potion leaves my body and returns the room to darkness do I notice her almost glowing red eyes, I did not notice it on the other Drummer man before somehow, than the room is pitch black, I hold up my arm to defend with my sword and pray for my eyes to adjust to the surround darkness. They finally do and ask I look around I notice the women is gone, lowering my arm I wonder if I had somehow been seeing things just as that doubt had entered my mind it was gone as a sharp pain engulfed my back, I cried out in pain as I swung around to face the Nord and yelled out:

“I am sorry for the man I killed! I was only defending myself!! I will return everything I took from the chests just let me go and you will never see me again I swear!!”

No answer, no sound at all,

I start to back up to run out of there as fast as my feet would carry me when a blur of light flashes before my eyes and a white hot pain scourges my right shoulder blade as half of a iron sword is lodged into it, succumbing to one knee on the ground from the pain I feel weakened, the sword is than ripped for my shoulder as I hear the sicken sound of a women laughing and the sound of my muscle being torn. I look up to see her standing right in front me, I try to move my right arm and no good, I quickly switch my sword to my left hand, and I attack on instant swinging wildly and peer will to survive as I stand and run at her with all my remaining strength, I miss…every single swing misses her and she seems to almost vanish, all I hear is her laugh echoing off the walls, I take this time to run out of there sheathing my sword and taking out my touch, not even wanting to drink a potion to heal my bleeding wound until I am out in the clear of this place! I manage to find the way back without any more issues from the women as I burst out into the now night air, it feels cool but not wanting to neglect my wound any longer I quickly reach into my side pocket/bag and grab out a potion and pull out the quark swallow it greedily as it works it’s magic as I feel my wound stop bleeding and repair the muscle and heal the wound shut and walk down the steps I took up here, almost stumbling down them, still feeling weakened and tired I suppose from the fighting from being out of practice and go over to the stream and drink some water, thankfully my horse is still there, after some drinking I look back up at the cave door and get on my horse, the light of the sun starting to show past the border of Morrowind as I set off once again, and this time I am getting that drink.

:toughninja: Is it any better? I notice it is longer I believe sorry I guess in Word it looks different lol


(I still svck lol) :cryvaultboy:

Writing in first person is a very challenging task...But here are a few pointers:

Watch the descriptions of yourself in context to the story when writing in the first person, As you cannot actually see the color of your eyes, hair, and muscle tone, and really would not focus on what color your hair is in real life when someone is trying to kill you...You might want to save self description for when your character has the time to pause and see her own reflection...i.e. when she finds lodging for the night and has the time to study her wounds closely in a cloudy, broken mirror, or has a moment of peace to study her own reflection in a pond, or lake and ponder her past, current situation, and/or future...

A lot of times when writers approach writing in the first person they do it as a journal narrative, keeping track of time, dates, seasons...You might consider trying the journalistic approach as first person is very difficult to immerse the reader into your story without a record of time to draw upon for context...Good example...Tell your friend a story and it will nearly always begin with; 'The other day I was...' ,or, 'I went down to the .... today and.....'

Watch your descriptions and use of words, thoughts, and actions...Be detailed and descriptive; let us (the reader) know exactly what is going on in conversations, character moods, setting...Don't ever use 'blah, blah, blah...' as it seems to show a lack of interest by the author...If the author does not care...Why should the reader? You have set yourself up for a very difficult task because now, you as the author must describe your character's every mood, thought, reason for action, reason for being...No small task...As you will also have to describe your character's outward actions, dealings with other characters and their actions and reactions as well...

I do like what I've read so far...Keep on writing...If you need further help you have friends that are always willing to lend you an 'ear'...

Ok I will keep the person discription like you said, I kinda accually forgot that I was writing in first person when I was writing till you brought this up to tell you the truth O__O lol I will try that out tho and damn now i want to stop and switch to 3rd person cuz that seems WAY to hard D: [censored]......

I just feel like I have used the word "I' way to much already, I try to switch it up already but its pretty hard once I think about it XP does that make sense?
I am not good at writing am I? When ever people tell me to use more detail thats hard on me, I hate this yet I asked for it lol but like all the detail I used already is the most I am able to come up with or I can use more yet it doesn;t sound right

I just used Blah blah blah because I couldn't remember what the emperor accually said since I had just past that area XD gonna be much harder for me now with the whole short term memory loss :'( uggg

Chapter 3

As I arrive at the Bridge Inn in Cheydinhal I buy a bed for the night for 40gold and head upstairs, noticing how the bartender/inn keeper looks at me with my torn leather armor where and the fresh scar that is showing through it from the hours before with a look of concern for me and her store , I head upstairs to tired to answer any questions she may have, I take off my armor and throw it on the shelves and my weapons on the table, I than struggle to get over to the wood post bed with its gray old tattored blankets that still looks incredibly inviting and collapse on the bed and struggle to even open my journal, I write down the date, time and what happened today:

Last Seed 29th, 3E433 6:25AM

Well, I escaped from prison, got a gem that size of my fist and went adventuring and got attacked by some occult types! Great day to start off my new life Lilithi, just great!
My armor is torn, though can’t say it was of best make anyways, I shall buy some more tomorrow, to tired right now to write anymore.

I awake the next morning, well more midday to be exact, I feel groggy like I was twisting and turning in my sleep, I push it aside, get dressed and collect my things and go downstairs to the bar keep, I order some one graqe, one ham, one pear and one pound of Boar Meat, I reach into my bag and hand over the 43 gold, she gives me it all on a place with fork and knife that I noticed have not been properly cleaned but I am to hungry to care, I eat it all within minutes, her looking at me in disgust at how uncivil I eat, but hey I need my energy.

I decide I needed to buy some new things like armor and a normal amount of food and maybe some more weapons, before leaving the Inn I stop by a mirror, it is not perfect with its large crack down the middle but it will work as it hangs on the wall at eye level to the door, I study myself closer, seeing that my hair is a complete mess, and my eyes have shadows under them, my complexion also looks a bit off like I had food poisoning and it feels like it since I still feeling a tad bitter I decide to walk back over to the Inn keeper and order some water, the women tells me that I don’t have to pay for it, I guess looking at my state of attire, I think her and open the door with the water in one hand, I than proceed to dump the water on my head so my hair is wet, not caring how my clothing is wet since I will replace that anyways and put the class near the door and walk along towards the local clothing store and black smith.

Not finding anything stronger than what I already have I decide to take a stole through the town, hoping that will life of my mood from whatever spell it was under, I head on to the only place that I can to do this, a place that has valuables that you can only find there….that place is the Castle of this town, I pass a house for sale on the way there, doesn’t look to bad and I recently got a lot of money from the treasure I had received back in the cave, I go up to the King of this castle only to notice that he looks like the drummer with pale skin, I also noticed how his eyes were red, that set chills down my spin but I tried not to show it, I asked:

“I noticed you had a house for sell, I was wondering how much it is and is it furnished?”

He looked at me pleasantly with a smile on his face with heavy accent his reply was

“Oh that house, yes it is quite nice isn’t it? It is not furnished but I can tell you where you can buy everything you need for it, for only fifteen hundred thousand gold”

I was shocked at how much he wanted for it, I had to tell him I did not have that amount with only having ten hundred thousand on me, I told him I would be back.
I had decided to go get drunk and forget my worries and my pains but now I had another idea in mind, ‘why shouldn’t I have a home of my own? I was planning to start a new life anyhow so why not?’ I thought to myself as I left the castle and headed towards the Goods Store, I went in took out the giant gem to show the man at the counter who looked at it with a shocked expression as if this was the best thing he has ever seen and without a word sold it to me for seven hundred thousand gold pieces… With gold in hand I went back to the king and told him I wanted the house, the papers were signed, I got the key and proceeded to pay for everything inside with the left over gold I had, sure I was broke now but atleast I had a place to call home.

I than proceeded to go back to my old “trade”, I went over to the house next to mine and made sure no one was looking and proceeded to unlock the door by picking at the tumblers inside, I felt more than heard the first tumble give way as the the metal scrapped against the levers inside, than the second gave way and the third and I was in!! I readied my bow just incase, I walked into the house and the first thing I was greeted to is a huge fireplace, I could already feel the heat of it lapping at my skin, and in the center outside of it was two chairs facing the fire with a table in the middle with a bowl of strawberries in the middle, all freshly picked or bought at the store, I took all 6 of them that were in the bowl and made my way up the stairs checking to see if anyone was home, so far so good, I went straight towards the bed I saw when I got inside the house, no one was there, I put away my bow now that I knew I was in the clear and went about the house checking every chest I found to be unlocked and stole what looked good inside, I found some rings and pendants inside a few and some gold, I found another table with Boar meat on it and Potatoes and stole all of it since I used all of my money on the house, I than made my exit of the ransacked home and went to my own pathway to my house, opened the iron gate with a squeak of iron and went inside to go upstairs and sleep for five hours, that was my plan all though first I had to write in my journal like always:

Last Seed 30th, 3E433 6:58AM

I am still feeling a tad ill, maybe it was something I ate? I decided to try and buy some new clothing though decided to sell that rock of a gem, got a great price on it and went to buy a house here in Cheydinhal, a nice place with a fireplace at its entrance and dinning table at its left were I shall use to eat my meals, a desk near the stairs for my writing if anything and up the stairs some storage for food and what not, a hall way lines the upstairs with a view of the front door so I know who comes and goes and in the only room upstairs is my room, a double bed with the finniest silk blankets and a dark wood head board, wonderful! I have put my jewels and gems inside a bowl in the room so I always have them incase I need money. Well that is all, till next time, hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

With that I got undressed, switched into a silk red shirt with red velvet garments and put my weapons on the table near by or propped to the bed and climbed in bed and drifted off to sleep.



I know there are spelling errors along all of these but please bare with me on these and I will fix them when I can, Thank you :toughninja:

Great start! From the first chapter to the third there is much improvement.

The only advise i can give is that maybe moving the story along at a slower pace might help, explaining who she bought the horse from and so on, what she thought of the king and all. I know it can be hard because you want to get on to the good stuff and describe the main plot but it would help character development if we saw Lilithi interacting more and its an easy way to help build personalities and suspense.

Also remember things don't have to be perfect everyone makes mistakes or atleast I do? :mage:

Keep it up and contiune writing!


oh btw

You're doing fine Sweetheart...If you're having trouble with the lore...Here's a link: http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Main_Page

Lol you know I thought that was odd in the sense I was thinking the same thing, *time to put rewrite chapter 4 a bit than XD* ya I will try and go slower, now should i go back and somehow add in who i bought the horse from?

thats a tuffy for me since I am kinda getting her personality down as I play the game (everything she has been doing with some tweaks of course is happening in the game lol) I will try though

thank you so much for the compliments, i wasn't sure if i was improving at all, any types on how to slow down more but not make it to a crawl?

lol you know i didn't even notice this last comment here till i quoted XD



OMG thank you!!:) Book marked that pageeeeee XD

Keep going, I will poke you violently if you stop because of yourself.

D: no! not the pokes! I will continue lol i am doing chapter 4 now but its hard since step dad is giving me a crap load of chores to do i hardly have time maybe later i can finish it and put it on here:) how have u liked it? is it OK atleast?:D

Chapter 4

Last Seed 30th, 3E433 10:21 PM

I feel like complete [censored], I could hardly get out of bed this morning none less write this down, I swear I feel near death, maybe I should have just stayed in that cell to begin with…..About seven hours have gone by, most of which I was asleep but I woke up every now and again thinking I would hear something in the house, rodents maybe but when I went to look I didn’t see anything, odd. I took some more potions, mostly some to restore my energy, those sort of helped yet than I just dropped down again so I went to the storage units and founds some Surilie Brothers Wine and Tamika Vintage 418, took both bottles and some of the things I stole like the boar meat and some strawberries and went downstairs, half tripped on my way down, would have been funny if it was someone else.
I got a glass and after opening the drinks went on to mixing both, re-quirked them and drank and ate the food infront of me, tasted odd all together but none the less made my stomach full and my head light, I somehow ended up back in bed and waking up to where I am writing this down….Maybe I need more to drink…I don’t know really, thinking of seeing a priest soon…

I finally managed to get out of bed, my head feels like hot irons are being stabbed into it, cutting into the skull and the most tender part of my brain, almost like when I went out on my Skooma binges, that was all before I was thrown in jail of course. I get dressed and get out the door, only to see that it is pouring rain, with the way I feel right now I can’t go out there, I decide the best thing to do is stay home so I go back inside and sit by the fire place with two bottles Surilie Brothers Vintage 399 and some good Mead, sooner than I expected I feel my lids getting heavy and I fall asleep to warmth of the fireplace on my skin and the heat of the drink in my gut…I could never live without the drink atleast a few times a week.

Last Seed 31st, 3E433 3:54AM

Four hours went by, FOUR!! I couldn’t believe it how much time had gone by after just a few drinks, I feel just the same as before I drank and nothing seems to be clearing it up, she also has noticed how it seems the days are going by faster and she has been sleeping more, or atleast that is how it seems to her.

I have decided to go out again no matter how bad I feel, thinking some work may help me cheer up I decide to go do SOMETHING, anything to help my mood lift up, I head outside and go straight towards the West Gate, out towards the stable where my horse is waiting for me.

I get in the saddle and take of towards Bravil hoping I can find work there, I ride on what seems like forever and we stop when we see the body of water, allowing my horse to get a drink and my to wash my face and hair, or the best I can do anyways while out here, I splash some water on my hair and face and as the ripples dissipate I see my reflection clearly, the bags under my eyes have grown, my face is dry, oh Oblivion it even looks like it might crack like a mask hit to many times in battle, I splash water on my face so the image goes away and when it clears once again the bags are still there and so is everything else, confused and worried I lead the horse back to the road and continue onwards towards Bravil..

6:16AM, Bravil

I arrive at the Bravil stables, I dismount my horse and a stable boy takes her to the stables to caring after that long ride,she seems happy, the boy does not, I don’t blame him. I get inside the city gate to be welcomed by guards and towns folk with odd looking houses around me, all built out of wood unlike in the other cities and in the middle of town is a lake, I head for the first tavern I see which is across the lake over a bridge and the Inn/Tavern is called ‘The Lonely Suitor Lodge’ as my head is pounding more than ever, I sit at a stool surround by people, one Nord to my right next to a Breten and a other few races I can’t place due to the pounding, they both mind their own anyways as I order up a Cyrodilic Brandys, a bread loaf and a cheese wedge to put in the bread, I pay the man140gold pieces and sit down at the bar and eat my bread and cheese and drink my brandy, an hour goes by since I arrived and everything was calm, my head still pounding yet not as badly thanks to the brandy, the Nord who was near me when I walked in walked over to me, he smelling strongly of mead and asked:

“Hey baby, what you say you and me get a room upstairs and…..*hic* have a bit of fun.”

I don’t say anything and just continue my meal, the nord not getting it asks again this time I reply by staring at him and saying no and to leave me alone. I guess he did not like this tone I took with him, embarrassing him infront of the other people there who had entered a while ago and proceeded to draw a dagger from somewhere behind him, I notice this and get my dagger out quickly, move forward and position it against his throat, I have had enough and hiss at him:

“ I am not going with YOU or anyone else here up to some room for you to bang than tell your drunken friends! I am hear to drink and relax and that is all. If You or anyone else get me mad again here in any way I will Not hesitate to cut your throat…you got that?!”

I stare into his eyes feeling him shake with fear as he shakes his head as much as he can, I removed the dagger and put it away again to relax and order another round, my third for the day than pay up and leave, I have decided to take a walk as I leave the bar, leaving the city.

I walk outside the gates to notice that night is about to fall, it is about twilight and just a few yards away I notice someone yelling, something, I can’t quite make it out so I move closer but decide to stay towards the over growing bushes and trees, hidden, unseen.
As I get closer I notice it is a women and two men, the women is a Khajiit, a mix of dark brown and yellow golden fur on her bodies, her eyes look to be a hazel coloring as well with her dark fur around her eyes making them pop out, she wears tattered clothing of rags and no shoes, she seems to be homeless. The two male Argonians, the on the on right has fins on his head and the other one has horns all over his, both are a dark green color with dark blue running down their stomachs, they are both dressed in expensive looking clothing, than all of a sudden from my hiding place they are arguing again from what I heard a bit from before and the Argonian on the right punches the Khajiit across the face, while the other one pushes her down on the dirt road!

I reach around for my dagger that would be holstered on my lower back by a sling I had made for it…only to find it is not there! I remember I had left it all the back in Cheydinhal!! I curse under my breath and proceed to get from my crouched position to leave the bushes only apon standing my vision gets blurry and my head feels like hot irons are being stabbed into it once again which in turn makes me crotch back down to my knees, my eyes closed shut tight from the pain with my hand on my head….that is until I hear the sickening sound of the Khajiit women screaming out in pain as I look up to see through my hiding place one of the Argonian men has the women’s arm held out wide on the road while the other one slams his foot into her shoulder while she tries to push him off with her free hand all the while her face twists in pain…Just watching this through squinted eyes makes my new scars on my shoulder and back start to throb alittle remembering the assault on me the nights before, I can not bare this anymore and get up, my head feeling light but I move on to get out of the bushes and help that women.

As soon as I am out none of them notice me at first, I walk up, throw up my arm and with all the force I can muster I release it into the back of the Argonian’s head, scraping against his fins, which in turn does what I hoped, got him to stop holding the Khajiit’s arm down. I smile at this alittle as the one with the spikes stops hurting the women and turns around to face me along with the other one, I can not see the women’s face at this time, the one with the spikes asks me:

“Who are you?! What are you doing here?!”

I glance at him and his companion,

“I was just taking a walk and here I find you beating on this women!? What is the meaning of this?! Shall I call the guards?!” I say through a smirk.

Just as I am turning away to go fetch a guard I hear both men start to move towards me by the sound of moving dirt on the ground, I turn to my side just as a fist flies by my face, barely missing it, I instinctively grab his arm as he pulls back for another punch and use all my will and strength to to pull his arm towards the city, having his feet no where to go but follow his arm he complies, he is now in front of me to which I kick him square in the back having him fall forward on the ground as dust and dirt fly up from impact on the soil.

I look at him for an instant than make a swift move of turning around and manage to smack the other lizard in the face with my fist, thankfully he had moved forward to try and help his friend otherwise I would have looked the fool, he cups his nose, eyes wide as it starts to bleed with his friend groaning on the ground, he runs past me, helps his friend up and run away from us, to where I proceed to crumple to the ground, my head hurting more than ever, my eyes shut as I feel a shadow blocking the setting sun, I hear a motion maybe her kneeling as the dirt is crushed.

“Thank you for saving me but…are you alright?” with a thick accent mixed with concern and pain from her shoulder says the women.

I look up at her with heavy lids, glad to see she is ok despite her torment, I can barely muster the strength to form my face muscles into a smile to show I am just golden, though sadly I can practically feel the warmth leaving my body as I give a very heavy nod instead, and my lids close as I black out.


:toughninja: Sorry for any spelling errors I will try and fix them when I have time, never trusting WORD again for that XD

Much better...Keep going Hon...

Getting progressively better. Some good improvements since the last one.

ya>:P


really? can ya let me know what i improved on to work on that more or work on other things please?:) :celebration:

any other comments are welcome as well like "thats good" or "i liked the ......parts" XD

Alright. You did improve on the first person scenario thing and the internal dialogue got better since the first chapter. Use less caps for names. If you want a character to emphasize his speech, then use italics or bold. Italics being the likely choice. Also, avoid using *these* for sentances.

“Hey baby, what you say you and me get a room upstairs and…..*hic* have a bit of fun.”

Example, use this: Hey baby, what you said you and me get a room upstairs and..." the man hiccuped "have a bit of fun".

While some people often write along, you must have a fewplans set before the plot goes. A good story and a believable character too!

Use less caps for name? Names of people are suppoused to be in caps atleast the first letter uless you mean the name of the races than I will only use the first letter in CAPS if it hasn't been introduced yet lol

I don't understand, what do you avoid using these for sentances? Like the italics and bold? So I should use that for the journal entrees and when MY character is speaking or all characters. *either italics or bold right?* i might use italic and bold for the journals combined so it stands out more cuz as i read it on the boards its hard to tell its in italics alone lol

XD Ya I noticed i fed up on that one but was to lazy to change it lol

"While some people often write along, you must have a fewplans set before the plot goes. A good story and a believable character too! "

Is my story not good or my character not believable? I don't know how to take breaks from the story sadly, thats what i was going to happen when she left the city for a walk but than the random fight scene came into my head and i can't take much joy in writing about her walking along a road for more than half a page :/

I am just saying. Every story needs a plot, so don't forget it. The story seems good enough already, it gives us a good understanding of Lilithi. And what I meant by "these" is "****". Avoid using ** in a sentance to emphasize an action. As for caps, you can use it for names, but avoid "DOING THIS! ALL THE TIME" :tops:

Oh ok that makes sense, glad you find the story good so far tho:) thats like just well idk how to voice it but amazing coming from you and glad Lilithi is coming to light in a way, we can see more in her personality in a bit I believe lol.....wow my memory is super bad cuz i cant remmeber using "****" to show that but either way will keep that in mind from now on

XD Ok will do lol thank you:)

Rofl she is such a mess excellent to see shes catching a break :teehee: Moar do eet.

You mean Lilthi right?XD

Ya I would have been crying on the ground with those damn head aches, no idea why she hasn't gone to a priest yet and if you notice the time throught these chapters her time may almost be up

your gonna eat it? XD WHA?XD

also! YAY ANOTHER COMMENT!!:D :celebration: :celebration: :celebration:

So far I've only had time to read the first chapter and a few of the comments. My three-year-old went to bed late and my five-month-old, who is usually mild and easy to take care of (as far as babies go, anyway...) has decided he doesn't want to sleep... But so far I like it, and I will read more when I get the chance.

I like the name you chose for her, Lilithi--it's funny, too, because Lilith is one of my favorite names, and I have an important character who has yet to show up in my fan fics who is a Bosmer named Lilith! Sweet! ^_^

Lilithi has a neat, entertaining personality, by the looks of it. I like characters with a sense of humor.

So far, you're doing a great job. It needs a little work, but practice makes perfect. You have a great start, and I look forward to reading more of the story. Don't get discouraged because it's not perfect. You have skills--you just need to learn how to perfect them, that's all. I'm glad to see another writer on here.

awww ok hope you get to read the latest chapters soon thank you!!:D

haha thank you i kinda just came up with it, I was going to with Lilith but decided it need one more letter XP sweetness!:)

Its funny I always want to know what makes her neat or entertaining to people, so why do you say this about her? cuz of the liquor? XD

Thank you, I think I have improved on from chapter 1 so hope you get to see more soon