This is just the History of my Character for The Warp In The East, I'll call it chapter one for now it might just be a one shot though.


Chapter One

The restless dead walked under the clear sky, Masser and Secunda hung in the cloudless sky, fresh graves had been defiled and bodies stolen, all the while the occupants grew more afraid hoping that someone would arrive who would be able to help them.

Andros was sat in the corner of the dark inn, his silver spear resting on the wall behind him. He looked down into the cup of murky ale in front of him, small clouds seemed to float within it ever rolling and transforming. There was a group of locals on the other side of the inn stood around in a circle, occasionally glancing over at him. He directed his attention to his meal, picking at the crust of bread he had left, supplemented by a small piece of cheese and some apple. This small meal and a bed for the night had cost him the last of his coin. A shadow passed over his table this was cast by the large Nord stood next to him, “Ere, you look like you can ‘andle yourself, we got a little proposition for you”, Andros gestured for the Nord to take a seat at his table. He wasn’t sure how the Nord had deduced this, he was an averaged size Dunmer of no great stature, perhaps the spear behind him gave weight to his appearance or the Nord was desperate.

“What is so important that you would disturb my meal?” Andros asked the Nord whilst assessing him, he was big even for his race, with a large bulky frame. What can be so difficult that this large man cannot handle it himself?

“My name is Thirsk by the way, me and the rest of the villagers got a little problem up in Deep Pool Cave, a group of necromancers have made it their home and we don’t want ‘em”, at this point the Nord shifted uneasily making Andros suspect that he hadn’t had much contact with the Arcane Arts. “We can pay you well if you can help us in someway”

“Pleased to meet you Thrisk, I’m Andros Dravasi. I’ll need some more information before I can consider taking your offer. Firstly, how many are there in the group? Secondly, are they well-armed? And finally, how well?” He had never even taken on something like this before, however his purse was feeling light, very light indeed. Andros was confident that he could deal with such a group, his training in the Mages Guild had prepared him to deal with all sorts of magical threats and his experiences whilst travelling around Cyrodiil had given him the necessary combat ability to deal with most attackers.

“Well I don’t know exactly how many they be, around ten at the most I would say. They’re always a coming and a going. I couldn’t tell you nothing about their weapons, we only ever see them in their black robes, if they carry weapons we ain’t seen them. We could give you around about one hundred gold pieces, providing the job was carried out, completely” One hundred coins, that could keep me going for a little while, at least until I can find more work. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take it.

“One hundred would be perfect for me Thirsk, I’ll take the job. I’ll meet you outside here at sunrise” At this a flash of worry shot across Thirsks eye’s he had clearly not been expected to be pulled into this, he wrung his hands, squirming slightly in his chair. “Well you wouldn’t expect me to find the cave all by myself, and you look strong enough to help me out in a tight spot.”

“Well I don’t know about me doing any fighting, but I’ll guide you to the cave at least” He extended a hand towards Andros which was received and shaken sealing the deal, his hands were warm and slightly sweaty. He turned and left the inn followed by the rest of the villagers. In their absence the dining room felt very empty, there was only one other guest in the room, a pale faced Imperial who had been sat next to the fire during the whole conversation, he also rose throwing a few coins on to the table and shuffling out of the door into the dark night. Andros drained his mug and quickly finished the rest of his meal and left the table. He climbed the stairs to the top of the inn and his allotted room, he lay down on the simple bed roll and fell into a deep sleep.

Andros awoke just before sunrise, he packed up his things and went downstairs to await the arrival of Thirsk. It was a dark morning with heavy black clouds blocking out the sun threatening to rain, this was fine by Andros water conducts electricity well and he preferred to use the shock side of destruction magic. While he was waiting he checked the sharpness of his spear, he could not afford for it to let him down, he pressed his finger gently onto it, it left a small cut and a single drop of scarlet blood ran down its tip. Thirsk walked up towards the inn just before the sun rose above the hills in the east. “G’mornin’ sir, I hope you’re ready for this” Thirsks voice boomed in the way only a Nord’s can.

“Good Morning to you too Thirsk, I am most certainly ready. Are you ready to leave? I want to get there before the Necromancers are fully awake.” With this he picked up his spear and slung it over his shoulder and checked the blade in his boot.

“Yup I’m ready, as I’ll ever be. Rather you than me facing them, I don’t envy you, they’re a bad lot and there’s a few of ‘em” Andros believed him, he had run across several necromancers whilst he was a student at the Vivec Mages Guild they had all been nefarious sorts who had been over interested in the macabre, he despised them. “ ‘s not far, bout half ‘n hour walk west” Thirsk set of in the direction of cave, Andros granted himself one last look at the Inn, knowing that it could be the last place he ever visited.

Thirsk was true to his word and half an hour later the pair were walking up the gentle gradient at the top of which lay the entrance to Deep Pool Cave, as they got closer to the cave Thirsk appeared more and more anxious, he was sweating slightly and continually checking the area for any potential hazard. “Well, here it be. I’m sorry but I’ll go no further with you, I’ve got a wife and babe to go back to. It’s been a pleasure knowing ”, Thirsk was cut short by a powerful fire ball that had arced its way across the sky.
“Move!” Andros shoved the large Nord with all his strength pushing them both away from the epicenter of the blast. It crashed to the ground next to them spreading out with a large radius of destruction. The edges of Andros’s clothes were scorched by the blast, however when the blast had subsided he saw that he had fared far better than Thirsk, half of his face was badly burnt and his cloths were still on fire. Andros extinguished the flames as best he could and quickly move Thirsks unconscious body father away from the opening of the cave.
After he made sure that Thirsk was still alive and in no direct danger he redirected his attention to the cave and the source of the spell. Someone had warned the Necromancers he was coming, My job just got a lot more difficult. He edged around towards the opening making sure to say out of sight as best as possible, he pulled his spear off its strap around his back and readied it for battle. He leapt up and instantly saw the person responsible for the spell, it was just a Necromancer in heavy robes they would be no protection now, he had turned back towards the cave with his back to Andros he clearly thought the job was finished. Andros fired a shock spell straight at the back of the Necromancer, sending it racing along the length of his spear before discharging it. The spell hit home, causing the Necromancer to fall down dead, Andros walked over to his body and placed his spear on the nape of his neck and pushed down hard enough to drive the spear through his neck. One down

He edged closer to the opening to the cave, a foul air reeked from it the stench of death. The passage way was thin and damp, barely wide enough to permit the entrance of one person. It continued for fifty dark meters, the stench only got stronger as he proceeded however the air here was colder. The passage opened up into a large cave at the center of which was a dark pool of water. Pressing himself into the edge of the cavern he surveyed the area, the cavern was massive dominated by the pool the Necromancers had constructed an alter at the far end and slept in the area closest to Andros. They were spread out about the cave, there were three around the alter, one was still asleep and one was engaged in some profane ritual with the recently deceased. Andros decided to deal with the sleeper first, he crept close to the man, as he got closer he realized it was the Imperial who he had seen in the inn the previous night. He tapped the man gentle on the shoulder so that he awoke, the man opened his eyes and started blearily at Andros, recognition crossed his face. Before he had chance to make a sound Andros cast a simple Paralyze spell on him and crept his hand down towards the dagger he kept in his boot. In one clean movement he cut his throat I hope your soul rots for eternity, Thirsk has a family . The other Necromancers were undisturbed and Andros decided to deal with those praying at the altar. The alter lay on the other side of the pool and Andros used this to his advantage, he lowered himself silently into the icy water, and swimming just below the surface crossed the pool with his spear in hand. A small ledge offered an easy way out of the pool and he raised himself from it without alerting his enemies. He broke into a run as he crossed the last ten meters, jumping into the air his raised his spear high above his head grasping it in both hand, he came crashing down on the left most Necromancer driving the spear between his ribs, the Necromancer slumped down as the other two wheeled around to face Andros. Placing his foot on the back of the dead Necromancer he pulled his spear out of his chest. One of the Necromancers had pulled a small iron dagger out of his robes and was moving to attack Andros , he was clearly unskilled with such a blade and his weak swing was easily dodged, for his failure he received a sharp kick to the wrist causing him to drop the dagger. Andros grabbed his throat with his free hand and fired a shock spell directly into the Necromancers body, the shocked but not dead man fell down at his feet. He got another kick, this time in the jaw knocking him unconscious.

The third had run over to get the attention of the only other living Necromancer and the two of them were engaged in a ritual to summon some disgusting dead thing. One fell to a second paralyze spell, however Andros could feel himself running out of Magicka, I’m going to need what little I have left to help Thirsk. With one swift movement Andros brought the glimmering silver spear behind his head half running half sprinting he launched the spear across the pool, letting out a guttural cry from the effort. The spear raced across the pool and struck the last necromancer standing in the chest so hard it drove through him leaving only the tip of the handle visible to Andros, the rest passed through the Altmer and propped him up. Only one Necromancer was left alive and he was in no position of be doing anything, Andros lifted his stiff body onto his shoulder and threw it in the pool, if the Necromancer didn’t drown then the cold would kill him. Andros retrieved his spear from the dead Altmer and left the dark cave behind him.

As soon as he left the cave he found a burnt and sore Thirsk waiting for him. “It’s done then is it? I’ll be honest I didn’t expect to see you again. You’ve done us a mighty service sir” Thirsk reached behind him and brought around a purse filled with coins. “Here’s your payment as we promised” Andros reached in to the purse and brought out a handful of coins, around twenty-five or thirty. He gave the rest of the bag back to Thirsk.

“You’ll be needing it more than me, you’ve got a child to care for. And you’ll have to pay to get those burns treated before they turn nasty, Farewell Thirsk” Andros turned his back on the large Nord and walked towards the horizon.

Hi Athell, nice story ya got there.

Rather it's a oneshot or a full fledged novella, I'll be here to read it and occasionally spat out some of my ever humble advice.

Like for instance, your opening, or should I say:

The Hook

Sounds like a bad horror movie, no? I assume you know what a hook is, high school English teachers usually fill us in on more then when really care fore. Well the hook is obviously important, it's what makes me choose your book from a thousand others, so if we read the opening paragraph what jumps at us that screams "read me!"?

At a glance...nothing.

Another guy in another tavern. Not saying it can't be done, but going on about his crummy meal for the first few sentences isn't exactly encouraging me to pick up this read. It shows some promise when the Nord comes over and asks for some help, still seems a bit typical, and then comes the Necromancers. That's what got me to finish it, the necromancers. It took a whole paragraph, so it was a little slow, but some kind of hook is better than no hook. Just remember, when starting a story, re read the first bits and ask yourself, "Is this exciting, is this interesting, is this fresh" or whatever. The point is, hook your reader in.

I think I've said enough there, your good enough of a writer to know what a hook is, and probably only need a reminder not some coaching...So let's move on.

Character Depth, Emotion, Interaction, and Etc.

Something that really compels a reader to finish a story is a connection to one of the characters. This connection is developed through shared thoughts, feelings, or actions which enables us to relate to the said character and his/her plight. This can not possibly happen if the characters have as much depth as a piece of cardboard. In this story I feel that you've only given us a rough outline of the characters, a mere shadow of what they could be. Fill it in with thoughts, actions, feelings, and words.

You did have some character thought in there, which is good, but I felt no connection to the Nord; Thrisk. Whenever the dialogue was delivered, it was flat and business like. The few emotions were told and not shown, an important aspect of storytelling. To show not tell. Don't tell us he was worried about being dragged into a cave full of Necromancers, show us. Is he sweating, clenching muscles, stuttering, shifting eyes, looks away, licks his lip often, blinks more than normal...The possibilities are endless and you are far more creative than I.

It is important to break down that fourth wall and let the reader become mingled with the story and to do that you'll need character with depth.

Of course, this was just a few paragraphs so I'm not exactly going to stress this unless you do decide to continue to write, in which case, it is important.

One more parting jab if you will:



Hmm. Using the same adjective more than once in a quick repetition is bad practice in most forms of prose, though I can see you getting away with it in the inner monologue. I can't see why you would need it twice in a row when describing him.

Once again, you probably already know this, I'm just pointing it out.

That's it. I'll stop now. And remember this entirely up to you to take my advice. After all, maybe I'm just crazy man who rambles far too much and really understand nothing about literature or writing in any which way and who's "pieces of advice" should just be ignored as the mad ravings of a lunatic. You choose for yourself how you write.

Either which way, it was a nice short read. And if you continue I'll still read it.