Hey there,
I may not have RPed with you before, and I don't know a lot about your style, but after taking a look at this thread I decided to check out some of your posts. You seem pretty tip-top to me for a first-timer, but there are some things I would've worked on.
First of all, I noticed that you write in first person. The general trend around here is to write posts in the third person as it makes it easier for others to respond to. It's easier for a writer to write in first person, but reserve it for fan-fics, because in those it's just you, and you're trying to put the reader in place of the protagonist. In an RP, you're just a participant, not a main character. Apart from that, it's just the convention and helps with flow.
Second thing would be the thoughts your character has. They're supposed to go in italics. Opinions are meant to go there, whereas facts are supposed to be in regular typing. Thoughts are also to be given separate lines, like dialogue.
So, if I may, here's a post of yours the way I would've written it:
OriginalI shook my head in discontent. "Do you take me for a fool?" My mood had definitely changed. The amazing technology he had shook before me was simply a lure. A mirage. "You expect me to give you 4 decades of assistance in exchange for technology that's barely being tested?" I had to keep my voice from raising too high, people outside were definitely going be able to hear. "I don't have time for your shenanigans Mr. Vogel." I said leaving out his title to show my disgust with him. "Either you supply me with something useful, or die. I surely can't let you leave here without make sure you're shushed about what went on here."
I was enraged. This man had presented me something beautiful, the thing I have been looking for, just to realize that it hasn't even been created yet. He fed me lies, dreams, a fabric of imagination. These tests and results were nothing to me. I needed the power, now not in 4 decades.
"I may not be too good with numbers, but I am sure that 4 decades is 40 years. You expect me to wait that long for technology that might not even be ready for me? I need that drug now. Not later." I was sure the man could sense my anger. I've never felt so fooled and so humiliated in my life. Everything he told me was merely schematics, still on paper. Nothing physical and useful to me now. I turned to the guards and they raised their weapons. They had figured out my agenda. Kill him so he won't speak of this meeting. Or supply me with something of use.
Vox shook his head in disgust. "Do you take me for a fool?" he asked, his mood obviously changed. The amazing technology he had shook before me was simply a lure. A mirage. "You expect me to give you 4 decades of assistance in exchange for technology that's barely being tested?" he demanded, struggling to keep his voice down. "I don't have time for your shenanigans Mr. Vogel," he said, purposely leaving out his title, "Either you supply me with something useful, or die. I surely can't let you leave here without make sure you're shushed about what went on here." he finished, enraged.
This man had presented me something beautiful, the thing I have been looking for, just to realize that it hasn't even been created yet. He fed me lies, dreams, a fabric of imagination. These tests and results are nothing to me. I needed the power, now, not in 4 decades.
"I may not be too good with numbers, but I am sure that 4 decades is 40 years. You expect me to wait that long for technology that might not even be ready for me? I need that drug now. Not later." he gave voice to his thoughts, feeling more humiliated and fooled than he had ever been in his life.
Everything he's telling me is merely a bunch of schematics, still on paper. Nothing physical and useful to me now.
He turned to the guards, only to have them raise their weapons.
They have figured out my agenda. Kill him so he won't speak of this meeting. Or supply me with something of use. he mused silently.
I hope this is somewhat helpful to you. I also hope you can take this criticism positively.
» Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:58 pm 
