Hey there, I'm a relative new-comer to the forums, although have being playing Bethesda's games for a long time (and other RPG's of course.), but anyway, here's my Fan Fiction, it revolves around two of my New Vegas characters, Leon Armand and Stuart Williams.

Leon is a Legion soldier, (who will be seen progressing through the ranks of the Army)who is slowly trying to cement his reputation within not only the Legion, but the Mojave. He is a brutal, sadistic and mentally disturbed human being, Leon's back-story is relatively unknown by his comrades, although he was, as were most if not all Legion soldiers, once a tribal child who was engulfed by Caesar's influence.

Stuart on the other-hand is an innocent minded, humble and handsome young NCR recruit, looking to try and aid the Mojave in bringing civillization back to it's lands. He is unfortunately known as a coward in the NCR due to his almost pacifistic nature (Although, this is only pacifistic in Wasteland standards) and constant "Karma" related philosphies on the world.

But anyway, I hope you enjoy the story, I'll be adding more parts to it later and I do hope you comment, and constructive criticism is not only welcome, but requested, as it will only help me make the story better and more enjoyable for you to read.
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Chapter 1: So, I just nipped into Nipton and...

Stomping feet crushed the sand beneath them as the heavily armoured soldiers marched toward the metal fencing. Young children watched in awe, while the elderly watched in terror.

Slowly the long formation of Legion forces came to a halt by the fence, they then gently nudged open the gate, opening up the entrance to Nipton. The unmistakable Vexillarius hood of Vulpes Inculta was now being forged into the gaze of not only the civillians and refugees in the village, but a band of Powder Gangers situated around a small bench. The Legion formation then broke out into a wall-like stance, all wielding large machetes in one hand...and rope in the other.

The inhabitants of Nipton were visibly seen contemplating wether to grab their weapons, if this were a Legion raid...Or just try and be as gracious as possible if this were a forcefull occupation of the village, to be used as a Legion stronghold.

It was neither.

Suddenly Vulpes' hand swung up from his side and pointed forwards, in which simultaneously the entire Legion squad swarmed ahead into the area and began hacking, slashing and stabbing at all of those in their way. Women were clutching their children, albeit to no avail, as the Legion forces struck both the women and children with the ferocity of a rabid wolf. Blood was rapidly painting the town all the while the Legion forces began subduing the surviving men, either Civillian, Powder Ganger or even the un-fortunate few NCR soldiers still in the town when day-light came. There were around a dozen of these soon-to-be victims, now being tied up with rope and forced to watch Legion recruits engulf their village in flames, all in the name of "Justice".

The men (And the mayor included) were bound and held for over an hour while large groups of Slaves exported from The Legion's main fortification (Or The Fort.) began to set up make-shift Crucifixes, much to Vulpes Inculta's amusemant. After the Slaves were finished setting up the crucifixes and what looked like a wooden chair ontop of a pile of wood, they were aptly executed infront of the villagers as a "Preview" as to what was about to happen.

"Leon...Come over here, boy." Hissed Vulpes.

Leon, the short but stocky Hispanic male donning what was known in the Mojave as a "Terrorsaw" haircut and of-course, his Legion Recruit armour, shuffled his way towards Vulpes.

"Leon, would you be so kind as to hand out the tickets." Vulpes said while a smirk appeared across his face.

Leon once more did as he was told in silence, stuffing small, yellow lottery tickets into the bound hands of the villagers. He then returned to his post beside the left-most crucifix.

"Thank you, Leon...Now, here's how this is going to work" Bellowed Vulpes, almost finding it a task to shout, which was evidenced by his distinct sighs between sentences.

"You've all recieved a lottery ticket. The person with the winning lottery ticket...goes free...The person with the second-to-winning ticket...will have their legs crippled. The three people with the "Lucky Loser" tickets...will be decapitated, and all of the others...will be crucified in the name of Justice and Caesar, so...Good Luck." Vulpes crowed.

Leon then set about reading out the results of the Lottery...first were the crucifixions...then were the "Lucky Losers", then was the savage hammer-beating of a Powder Ganger gentleman's legs...and then of course, the winning ticket holder was set free (Also a Powder Ganger).

The Mayor was then the only ticket holder left, although when instructed to read out what his ticket said...he responded with "It's blank." Which of course lead to the hyena-like laughter of all of the Legion forces, except for Leon, who was still characteristically silent.

Leon was then tasked with single-handedly dragging the Mayor off to the wooden seat atop the hill of wooden furniture and other flammable objects, where he then strapped the Mayor to said chair...and quickly stepped off of the mound. Vulpes himself then gave a sadistic smile towards the Mayor...and threw on a single lit-Torch, engulfing the mound in flames, then inevitably, engulfing the Mayor (And his screams of mercy along with it).

"Well...Justice has been served, it seems. Men, retreat to the Camp. Leon...you come with me." Vulpes drawled.


To be Continued.

Nice. I enjoyed reading this. But I'm not a grammer nazi. So expect some consturtve critsism. But anyways I'd like to see more.

Interesting, I've only seen a Legion/NCR fanfic one other time, it was pretty good. And so was yours for that matter. Wait. Let me back up a sec.

WELCOME THETATERTOT! (My least favorite potato product)

Alrighty. Where was I?

Ah yes, reading an ultra smooth chapter of an awesome fanfic. But even with the greatest epics, I find something to nitpick, and your no exception! So with that, let me begin.



You used the same word twice within the same sentence! Madness! There are so many other words that mean similar things and by using them instead of the same word over and over again, you add flavor to the writing. It may seem like a very minor thing, and it might be, but I point it out for two reasons

1.) It irks me.

2.) Stop the habitat before it's formed. That way your writing doesn't get dry and dulling as time goes on

MOVING ON...

...To those...damn...ellipses(...).

I understand that using ellipses gives for a nice...dramatic pause, but they should be used sparingly. Otherwise I'll feel like a kid with a serious attention problem every time I read this. With texting and the heavy abuse of ellipses( I feel sorry for that guy) it might seem fitting to place some many pauses, but please resist. I could kinda understand the use when Vulpes is talking but there is still and overabundance of them.

I just don't want to look at every chapter and see like twenty of them, you would break my heart. :cryvaultboy:


"And onto the last bit!" Yttrium roared.

When using dialogue tags (Said, Shouted, Whispered) I find it's better to sprinkle them throughout the writing rather than using them every conversation. There a form of TELLING and what we want is SHOWING. So try to use "Said's and Ask's" more often or use nothing at all! But if you write really good dialogue than your probably will need a "Shout, Bellowed, Whispered, etc" every ten lines are so rather than every other.

If you get what I mean.

Other than that...MAGNIFICENT (I still hate the legion). But I await the NCR counter part with giddy joy.

The above post proves my other post correct. Thanks Ytt.

It's what I'm here for B)

When I was first here my name tag happened to be purple...

Ah, thanks for the advice, Yttrium, will definitely take it into account for the next chapter (Which will be NCR) and thanks for the positive feedback too, really means a lot.