Jason sat nervously in the elders office. He knew what he did was unacceptable, he couldn't help but wonder what will happen to him. When Elder Gibson entered Jason felt sick and started to worry for the worst.
"Jason, After our meeting the other elders and I decided what you did is not punishable by death."stated Elder Gibson. Jason sighed in relief thank God he thought to himself. His elder started speaking again "But we have come to the conclusion that you are to be exiled and given a mark of shame."
After the elder finished speaking the door behind Jason opened and two paladins walked in. One of them was holding a branding iron, Jason looked at the man with the branding iron. His heart filled with guilt when he saw that it was Palidin Hill.
The two paladins stripped Jason of his power armor and restricted his movement with restrains. Jason trembled as they slowly brought the branding iron to the back of his right hand. The pain he felt was excruciating, Palidin Hill then knocked him out.

That was only chapter one of Jason's adventure chapter two will be posted tomorrow.

Interesting. This is a great way to start a story, good job.

A couple of notes on making it easier to read: First, don't use the main character's name every sentance. As a decent rule of thumb try to only say Jason once every paragraph. Pronouns are okay (him, his, he, etc.) but descriptive nouns are better. The exiled Paladin, or anxious man, etc. Once we know that that's who you're talking about, we can follow the action with having to reread the same word again and again.

Second, when you're writing a sentance don't use the same sentance structure every time. Jason did this, he did that, etc. Try mixing up the structure here and there. "Waiting in the Elder's office, Jason fidgeted."

On another note, I'd like to be able to "see" a bit more of what's going on in your story. I have an idea about what power armor and Brotherhood bunkers look like, but it's better for you to say it, and how these things effect your characters. If he's nervous, do the walls feel like they're too close? Don't forget to think of every sense when you're describing something, particulalry if you want your reader to sympathize when your characters are hurting. For instance: burning skin hurts like hell, but it also stinks, like someone's sticking a jar of mustard up your nose. There's also the panick, your heart races, your palms sweat, all of that stuff helps us understand exactly what your character is going through.

Once again, nice first chapter. I look forward to what you write next.

Thanks for the advice i'm definitely going to use it in the next chapter

Great start to your story :thumbsup:

I agree with most of what kdn003 suggested, and I would also like to add that, in my opinion, the sentence above sounds a little bit more clear when written like it is above. Although don't take my opinion as a fact, it is up to you, whichever way you think gets the point across better.

Good luck with chapter 2!

I lied I finished early.

The sound of the vertibirds engine echoed through Jason's cell. The cell was dark and gloomy, it reminded the newly exiled paladin of why he never enjoyed being in the bunker.
Great, first they exile me and now they're going to leave me in the middle of [censored] nowhere he thought irritably. The door to his left opened and a young paladin walked in."We land in 10-" the paladin started saying but was interrupted by turbulence.
The paladin walked over and uncuffed Jason. As he got to his feet there was an explosion followed by another. The vertibird jerked around but managed to stay in the air. Escorted by the paladin the exiled man walked into the entrance of the vertibird.The paladin got onto the intercom and asked "What the hell was that?"
"We took a missile in the left wing but we should be go-"there was another explosion that tore a whole behind the paladin. Holding onto a handle hanging from the ceiling, the exiled man watched as the paladin flew out the hole.

Another missile hit this time managing to knock the vertibird out of the sky. the vertibird jerked and twisted as it fell. Knots formed in Jason's stomach he felt like was going to puke. As the ground get closer the exiled man darted and jumped out the hole thinking at least he wouldn't die in the explosion.
Hitting the ground hard he could practically here the bones break in his arm. The last thing he saw before passing out was a blurry image of a robot rolling towords him.

Still looking good. That's a nice cliffhanger.

I'd still like to "see" more of what's going on. I know you don't want to slow down the action, but when you describe during those actiony moments, it builds tension.


Again, a thuroughly enjoyable read. I hope you continue.

Couple things. First try and space out the dialogue for example:

"Blah blah blah." So n' So started

"Yeah but blah blah blah." Replied strange person.

I don't know just an example. Also maybe try and make it longer? Other than that it's pretty good.

Well spacing out the dialouge can improve the look. But take away from the Immersion into the story. Look at my story for instance, Loose Ends.

But another thing space out you paragraphs.

Such as this

Jason sat nervously in the elders office. He knew what he did was unacceptable, he couldn't help but wonder what will happen to him. When Elder Gibson entered Jason felt sick and started to worry for the worst.
"Jason, After our meeting the other elders and I decided what you did is not punishable by death."stated Elder Gibson. Jason sighed in relief thank God he thought to himself. His elder started speaking again "But we have come to the conclusion that you are to be exiled and given a mark of shame."


After the elder finished speaking the door behind Jason opened and two paladins walked in. One of them was holding a branding iron, Jason looked at the man with the branding iron. His heart filled with guilt when he saw that it was Palidin Hill.
The two paladins stripped Jason of his power armor and restricted his movement with restrains. Jason trembled as they slowly brought the branding iron to the back of his right hand. The pain he felt was excruciating, Palidin Hill then knocked him out.

Also work on the length. It's better to read three long paragraphs instead of two short ones. Other than the usual grammer and spelling mistakes. (I'm not going to point those out.) But yeah I'll watch this.

True oh and maybe a little more detail.