PROLOUGE

My ears finally stopped ringing after a few hours.It was dusk now,and I rose from where I had curled up, playing dead.I unholstered my 10mm pistol and flicked the switch on its side.A thin beam of light eminated from the flashlight I had mounted under the barrel.Why the hell does pre-war tech allways fail out when you need it? I scanned the area with the pale beam.Four bodies,but there were seven of us,Me,Erza,Reill,and four merchants.So at least someone survived,I checked the brahmins saddlebags for supplies.Nothing,the raiders must have taken it all.The same was with the bodies.There was nothing of worth on either of the merchants,hell,they had even stripped of Erza's armor.It wasnt supposed to go like this,just a simple caravan escort,easy money,not a bit of risk.

My name is Aaron Retch,me and my companions,Reill and Erza all had a good mercenary gig going.We were never top-notch like the Talon guys,but we were also affordable,unlike the Talon guys.We all grew up in rivet city.It was a good life.No muties,no raiders,safe as could be. Then we got some idiot idea to "Explore" the wastes. We were naive kids back then.It turns out theres nothing to explore out there..just a few hundred miles of irradiated desert. I was the one who came up with the mercenary angle. I mean,why not.

We knew out way around a gun and looked like we knew what we were doing,whats wrong with a bit of profit for it? We did gigs all around the capitol wasteland.Extra backup for the brotherhood, bodyguarding duties for traders. Hell,once we even did a couple freelance jobs for the Talon Company. We lucked out. Everything went along without a hitch. All in all, our kill record never extended beyond a few poorly trained raiders, a pack of ghouls, and a few hives of giant ants an bloat flies. We got cocky, and look where that got us?

There wasnt enough time to bury Erza,so I just pulled together all the bodies over a pile of brush and tossed a match on the whole thing.A Spartan Funeral........

You'd want to cut up the text a bit better.
end of an sentence? break the line up.
also no spacing

some too simple mistakes like: bedyguarding duties instead of bodyguard duties

alot of "I" at the start of a sentence


etc.

Well,I would like you to tell me more about the writing itself,not just the format.

Well,I would like you to tell me more about the writing itself,not just the format.
CHAPTER ONE

I sat beside the funeral pyre for a while,toasting up a few strips of brahmin meat and washing it down with a half a sip of the pure water I still had left in my canteen.Erza was dead,the merchants were dead,and I was almost out of water,in the middle of [the] wastes.After a while I decided to quit thinking about it,to quit looking at what was the remains of one of my closest friends.Reill was still alve..so at least I could try to save someone.The raiders werent very good at covering their tracks,there were footprints and sighns of a struggle.Reill hadnt gone out without a fight,she was dragged..knowing reill,kicking,screaming,hell,she was probably biting.That [censored] was tougher than me and Ez together.

I pulled my drab,brown-orange wasteland camo jacket over my head and shoulders and started walking in the direction the footprints led me.I was a expert tracker.If a Yao Guai had decided to take a [censored] in this spot seven hours ago,I would probably know where the oversized teddy was now.After a few hours of walking,I found my first sighns that I was getting close to the raider encampment. An empty bag,probably one of traders,and a few empty water bottles. One of them must have gotten tired of lugging around the weight.Heh,I dont blame 'em either.One of the first rules of the wastes,Pack Light.I wasnt carrying much on me in the way of a weapon.

Slung over my shoulder was my hunting rifle,a sturdy bolt-action piece of workMounted with a simple 3x Scope.Holstered on my left leg was my 10mm,customed with an flashlight under the barrel and a three-round burst setting.Crowd control.Strapped to my other though was my combat knife,Seven inches of carbon steel coated in black teflon and microserrated on the back of the blade,with a compass in the hilt.Guns jam and run out of ammo,but sharpened metal never fails.I was dressed simply,drab grey leather reinforced with kevlar worn under a reversable cloak.Orange and brown wasteland camo on one side,midnight black on the reverse weave for nights.I dropped to a crouch and unslung my rifle,taking a look at my surroundings through the scope.The sun was rising behind me,so I would be all but invisible in my brown-orange cloak.

There were two figures up ahead,probably stragglers from the main group.In most cases I would have just shot the both and been done with it,but I needed information.I patted the hily of my knife and allowed myself a sadistic grin.The information wasnt the fun part,getting it was.These people had killed Ez...a bullet to the head would be almost merciful in comparison to what I was going to do to this scum.I dropped to a prone position and slung my rifle back over my shoulder and started moving.I can move fast and quiet,and the sun was behind me,so they wouldnt even bother looking in my direction.

I closed the few hundred meters in a half crouch/half crawl.Taking another look through my rifle,I confirmed my guess.They were raiders,part of the group that attacked us,too.I was about fifty feet from both of the raiders,and they had their backs turned to me.It looks like these two had decided to take a smoke break to relax.I rose to my feet.Still making no sound,I stepped almost all the way up to them.Either they didnt notice me,or they just didnt notice I wasnt another raider.Its amazing people like this actually got the best of us..In a second I had my pistol to the first slavers head.I lightly squeezed the trigger,letting loose three rounds into the raiders temple.His head practically exploded,and a thin spray of blood spashed along my face and the front of my cloak.The second raider must have been drinking,because by time he noticed what was going on,I had the blade of my knife placed against his throat.

"No...please,im not the prson you want,im just a wastelander I swear,I was a prisoner of the raiders,you saved me..im.." I could tell he was lying in an instant.
"I didnt think that raiders allowed all their prisoners to carry weapons" I sneered,noticing the .32 revolver holstered at his belt. "So..quit sniveling and tell me what I want to know..and maybe..just maybe,I might let you live." I nicked the side of his throat with my knife,drawing a few drops of blood.This is too easy....but all too enjoyable...

Okay,everyone seems to hate this,so mods,PLEASE LOCK THIS!!!!!

Alright, this seems to be a misconception that is becoming more common with Fan Fiction boardgoers. Your story will, at some point, sink past first page. That's okay. Bump it, or even better, post a new segment.

If you don't get comments, post another segment. And another. Stop writing for the acolades of readers, start writing what you believe is a good story that you think you can tell. It could explode with comments later, but lack of comments doesn't mean squat.

Just throwing up your hands and saying "No one commented. I guess everyone hates it." is a guarantee for failure. A lot of people haven't even seen it. So go, post more segments, spit in the face of the forum mechanic and keep hauling your story to the front page so that everyone has to see it. Thanks.

This is exactly what I did for Beast of Burden. Sure, I post less because not a lot of people respond, it does wear on morale. However, I do post, and it WILL be finished, all 200 something odd pages of it I have planned.

I already like it! Don't stop! Just do like the other guys said and you'll be golden, hell my fan-fic probably has one hit (me) but that doesn't stop me from working on it. It ust has to get out there and be found by other people.

Uhhh... If the "format" is terrible, I doubt anyone is going to force their eyes through the torment of reading it. If you refuse to make it better, I refuse to read it. Unless you modify your story so my eyes don't feel in pain while I read it, then I'm not going to read it. The quality of the writing and the style IS the writing, and if you refuse to use correct grammar, once again, I will not read it. You NEED to have spacing.. So it doesn't look like this:

I did this,then I did that,and then something else.Then I did something.

It should be this:

I did this, then I did that, and then something else. Then I did somthing.