[Canceled]

I have nothing nice to say about this story yet. I have nothing nice to say about any story, so don't feel bad. I just svck at seeing what's working compared to what's not working. I'll try and find some nice things to say later, but for now, I can point out what's not working: what needs to be improved.

It's too much of a literal interpretation of the events of the opening cutscene, but fails to really capture any of the mood during it. Yes, I know you're working with "canned" dialogue, but your writing doesn't put much (if any) effort into describing the tone of the conversation.

I don't see the artistic liberties (The other characters, and details of the last two paragraphs) you've taken as really "adding" any quality to the plot: The new characters are "Foreigners" to the canon that I see as detracting attention from your protagonist, as well as opening a plot-hole: Why are their names on the list, but Gilvas Venim's not? On the second-to-last paragraph, the narrator steps aside for Mr. Exposition to take over, who then takes a bow and cedes the floor to Captain Obvious for the final paragraph.

... Please don't let my criticism discourage you. And feel free to return the favor once I start writing my Skyrim-Dhovakiin fanfic.