Okay this is my first fan fiction so this mightn't be very good but we will se won't we?

Anni looked over the edge of the balcony she was in the atrium of Vault 101 and plotting her escape. She was part of the overseer's elite security team and was sent to deal with the radroaches. Put she was chosing to disobey. She was sick of the overseer's lies and propaganda "Were born in the vault we die in the vault" and the rest of his [censored]. She looked over the edge of the balcony and saw Mary and Tom Holden and the doc's kid she had forgoten his name. She heard Mary and Tom arguing then saw Tom run rather foolishly towards the security officers guarding the entrance to the vault entrance. "Hey its me Tom Holden!" He shouted as he ran. The poor bloke was gunned down. Mary ran after him moments later screaming. The doc's kid tried to stop her but it was no use she strugled out of his grasp ran over and was killed too. Anni had had enough first Jonas now this! It was pure anarchey! She saw the doc's kid pull out a gun and began to fight the two guards. Anni watched in suprise as doc's kid managed to kill them both! Anni saw doc's kid try the door and then giving up and begining to climb the stairs up to where Anni stood! Seeing her chance Anni jumped over the balcony and ran to the vault entrance.

She opened the door with her key (standerd issue giving to every security officer in case of an emergancy) she locked it behind her and begun to run to the vault door when a sudden intense pain tore through her arm she looked and saw officer Wilson pistol raised she had been shot in the arm! She ran towards him and grabbed him he fired a shot meant for her head but missed. Anni quickley knocked the gun out of his hand and sent it flying across the floor. Anni kicked him against the wall and pulled out her police baton and thrust it fowards toward his head, but he blocked it with his own baton after a quick battle Wilson gained the upper hand knocking her across the floor. He was about to finish her off when he realised she had the his pistol! She shot him three times each one landing right between his eyes. He fell to the ground, dead. Anni began to try and open the door somthing she thought would take her a while put no it opened quite easily. "The doc must of left it unlocked," she thought. she ran out the door and quickly closed it behind her as to avoid any suspicion she had snuck out during the confusion. She opened a second wooden door and was suddenly thrust into a light brighter then anything she knew...

First thing first every time someone speaks its a new paragraph. E.g

And Patrick said.

"I'm super cool."

Everyone looked at each other and agreed.

Lack of punctuation and incorrect grammar make my brain sad


Mr Comma is your friend, as is Mrs Apostrophe and the spacebar.

If people seem to like this one I will write more.

Like the others said, use punctuation, paragraphs and grammar.

Pretty much just break it up a lot more. Walls of text are hard to read and there is also a lack of grammar which intensifies that. Maybe write it up on Word beforehand.

I suggest that people try helping rather than just making sarcastic, unhelpful and unwanted remarks.

This forum has a rule about constructive criticism. If you have nothing useful to add, nothing other than snarky one liners, and nothing that is going to help the OP improve his writing skills, then don't post because I will get very grumpy and start getting in touch some members.

OP. The basic idea of the story is there although I found it difficult to read through as it was very compressed and "frantic". Rewrite it but split the two long paragraphs up into shorter sections, say four or five for each one, and try to slow down on the action - a bit more explanation of surroundings and what is happening elsewhere in the room would be good. In other words be a bit more descriptive.

Try again and make it easier to read, don't be too fussy about punctuation and grammar, get your story thoughts down logically, the rest can be sorted later.

Well done so far.

I thought my criticism was constructive?

Edit: lol Rohugh :cookie:

Nope, yours was OK, it is obvious what I was referring to. :stare:

I HAVE to point it out it. This made me want to kill a rabbit. STOP SAYING HER NAME IN EVERY SENTENCE. You can say she, her, ect. Anni was said 6 times in only that much.