Faldom
Your icon, is hilarious.

But, to be on topic. I really like your story. You sure do know how to keep someone reading.

Thanks! I didn't really expect anyone to like this fan fic, but i guess its good lol.

Nice chapter, but as usual, I've got something to complain about :



Why does she deserve more respect, I wonder.

They both stared at eachother like idiots, so I allready know that they like eatchother.
But it would be nice if he didn't know she likes him yet (for the story).
That way you can make akward conversations and doubtfullness which makes it fun to read.
You could make that anyway, but the tention of the reader is a bit gone that way.

Again: This is my point of view, so do with it what u want. Just trying to give a bit of advice.
Hell, my story is far from perfect, so go ahead and tear it down if you want :nuke:

Captain Price survived by being put in a british vault Cryo pod that lasted well after the nuclear war that the soviets caused after pissing off china and the resource wars that followed. Then teh vault sank, floated to america (somehow) and Captain Price was given a similer rank.

Love the story by the way

Very good, but wat i would of done was have them arrive by the uss ocrvi... something i think u know what boat i am talking about.
And have them wreck then set up camp at the place where marcello is where the tents are. or whatever her name is (lol im bad with names). that could've been chapter 1 and where cpt price dies could be chapter 2 then just keep following it from their.
Why im suggesting this is because all these places are actually in the DLC ect. camp, and the wrecked boat, soo its kind of like your seeing this happen in the game or maybe like its already happened?

Only had time to read the prologue. It's good. It seemed almost a little too fast paced, and I do this too, but sometimes you need to slow it down, get into the character's head, and show some life. It doesn't have to be: Boom! Boom! Boom! It can be: Boom! Whew, that was close! Boom! Dang, I missed! Reminds me of the time that... etc. A lot can happen in a few seconds.

One other thing. I'm no doctor, but would blood and teeth really spew from that dude's mouth? I can understand blood, but wouldn't his teeth get knocked in?

Other than that, an interesting story. Can't wait to finish reading, and then for what happens next.

Well, if a metal plated glove pounded into someone's mouth with enough force, i'm guessing it would have the power to knock some teeth out. Considering boxers get their teeth knocked out all the time, so their would be a better chance of a metal glove knocking someone's teethout, than a padded glove, knocking their teeth out. Oh wait i see what your saying. When Issaic punched him, he spit out the teeth that were knocked in, thats what i meant by spewed. :tops:

i saw that Price yells "lets go marines" i didnt know if u meant to do that but im pretty sure they arent marines lol

Oh, that makes sense, then. When you said spewed, I imagined his fist hitting his mouth and then the teeth flying out with the force of a bullet.

BTW, how do you pronounce his name? is it EYE-zik, or EYE-zay-ik or what?

Pretty good Fan-fic. I read through all of it but im confused on 1 part. You mention the citadel, the brotherhood and marines. Not to sound picky but when does this timeline start? im guessing that since they are marines that it would be During the war but the citadel is controlled by the brotherhood. So, when exactly does this happen?

The "lets go marines hoorah" stuff gets annoying(they arent even marines). It just sounds like their trying to be bad ass.

Why are trained soldiers crying and acting like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off? I can under stand a profanity here or there and a yell or war cry, but professional soldiers shouldnt be breaking down in the field.

Try not to add dailouge into the middle of paragraphs. Instead of: "speech" blah blah blah "speech" blah blah blah. Try to make it: "speech" Blah blah blah, next paragraph. Get what I mean?

Other than that, its a good story. Try to think ahead and craft an interesting, original story. Dont have one of the fetch stories where they have to find something and get back to where ever.

It sounds amazing love the detail, excellent grammar, can't wait for chapter 2, keep it up.

The whole 'Marine' thing has been brought up a few times, I just assumed they had started a group in the BoS called 'Marines', like the 'lyons pride' group.

Also I think when you have speech, press enter twice. It will make it a whole lot easier to read.

Other than that, I'm enjoying reading this.

any idea when chapter 2 is on the way?

Haha, why complain about the Marines stuff? Who cares? It's a great story, that's all that matters!

More plox

Wow i haven't been on in a while, sorry guys. I'll make a new chapter either today, or tomorrow, because today i might not have time. But i promise, by tomorrow it'll be out!

Btw: Yea, i agree i shouldn't have done the whole "marines" thing. I just needed something for price to say, and I just got done playing halo 3 so the whole "marines" junk was stuck in my head. MMAfighter, the only reason Nicole was crying, is because shes not a battle hardened BoS bad ass. Shes a new recruit. And to Vanir, his name is pronounced, EYE-zik. Yeah, i know, odd spelling for the name, but thats how my father's name was spelled, so i just spelled it like that. Thanks for all the feedback guys, and also, i just want constructive critisism, not all out ranting, and bashing my pride, lol. Alright expect another by today or tomorrow! :tops: