Good as Caps
Chapter 1

He walked down the road that lead to the Strip. He had journeyed for days to get there, and he had finally reached the gates. The only thing stopping him from entering Vegas. Why? One reason, revenge. He had been shot, stabbed, even nearly blew up. But none of it compared to the man he was after. He walked through the gates passing past the robots who let him pass. They knew he had the caps to enter every time. But this time, he only carried a 9mm pistol engraved with a name and made for this occasion and this occasion only. Engraved on the side of the pistol with one bullet in it, it read "Time to die, Andrew." He walked towards the Tops. He walked past a few people drawing gasps. He ignored it and kept walking. He walked into The Tops. "Hold up there baby! I need to take your weapons." One of the Chairmen said. The man flashed a note with only three words on it "Mr. House's ambassador." He continued walking, he drew more gasps as he walked past the casino floor. He saw people run out of the casino at the sight of him. He past the stairs and into the elevator that went up to the 27th floor. Also known as "Benny's floor." He pulled out the pistol and checked it. The pistol was in mint condition. He holstered it again and walked out of the elevator. He walked into the room that housed Andrew. “How about we take this to the bedroom ladies?" He heard Andrew say. He walked into the room and pulled his pistol out and said with a raspy voice "Time to go ladies. Get out." The ladies ran out of the room silently, scared to death. "Holy [censored] it's you! Your supposed to be dead I killed you Hugh!" Hugh pistol whipped Andrew leaving blood on the white carpet. Andrew leaked blood from his lip, "Don't say my [censored] name!" Hugh said with his raspy voice.

Andrew looked up at Hugh. Hugh responding his looks with a barrel to his forehead. "You [censored] zombie!" Andrew yelled. Hugh's final response was "Your only as good as the caps you earn. And you have earned this." Hugh squeezed the trigger and felt the bullet come out of the barrel and go through Andrew's head. Andrew was on his knees and he fell backwards. The bullet had left, blood, brains, and a hole through Andrew and the floor. Hugh searched Andrew's body and found 1000 caps. He walked out of the room and left behind the pistol, clip, and a note that simply said "Don't [censored] with House." Hugh stepped into the elevator and rode it back down. He walked out of the elevator wiping his face off. Blood had splattered all over. His suit was covered in blood. He walked out of The Tops drawing silence. He walked towards the Lucky 38. He walked into the Lucky 38 and into the elevator. He counted his caps. 3000 caps was more than enough to buy him a room at the Ultra Luxe. But he never brought anything. He stepped out of the elevator into the penthouse. He walked down the stairs and towards Mr. House's screen "So, you have been successful." Mr. House said. "If you already knew how come you wanted me ot come here?" Hugh said with his raspy voice. Mr. House repiled "Hugh, I just want to know something, who the hell are you. According to these results here you are 300 years old."

"There are many things you don't know House. But never the less, I'll tell you who I am and how I got to be like this." Hugh said. "You see, when the great war started, I was at the beach. I was 29 years old at the time. It was my birthday and my family and I were parting from our beach party. We were in California at the time. I was walking away with my girlfriend at the time and we were getting into my car. I turned my head around to look and what do I see. Mushroom clouds. Now, my entire family starts to freak out. My girlfriend and ran out of the car and into a nearby beach house. We stayed there for a time that seemed like forever. Once everyone had calmed down, we realized our food situation. No one else was on that beach except for us. Which is why I was forced to find food, I was the one suited for that. I wondered through the caves finding a little dab of cave fungus that tasted terrible but filled me up. So I kept grabbing it. When I came back through I saw a sight that I hadn't thought of until now. The sight of my parents dead and my girlfriend eating them."

So, could I get some reviews please?

I am no writer or critiquer, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

It seems like when you write, you tend to "tell." Hugh walked in The Tops. Hugh did this. Hugh did that. I don't like seeing the name Hugh so much, maybe add a few pronouns. What I think you need to do to make it more enjoyable to read, is to "show" us, instead of. I wish I could show you an example of what I mean, but unfortunately I'm not a good writer, so I cannot. Just wait for Yttrium, I'm sure he'll have something constructive to say.

But on too the actual story, I think that it shows promise and definitely looks interesting. I do hope to see more updates in the future.

Yeah, so. spent a solid 25 minutes writing you (very slowly) a good critique on my phone, and then (because the shift key is less tha a centimeter from the back key) pressed the wrong button deleting everything. I will rewrite you one later today but in the meantime if you don't get any reviews don't be discouraged, that doesn't mean people don't read. When you write, its supposed to be for you first. Also, I notice that often times you don't finish your fan-fics, and if I notice itthen so do others. That may be the reason why it doesn't get as much respose as you may want, because people assume it won't stay on the first forum page for long. I want you to prove us wrong this time.

And also StonedSniper, how can you say your a bad writer if we the audience don't believe so. What you have written here wasn't bad, everyone is always their worse critic. Plus, the only wya to get beter is by writing more, that's how I and countless oher people got better here. Post what how have so we can help you improve.

Here's my input, and while it might seem like I changed a lot and there are a lot of corrections, keep in mind that a lot of the changes I made are just suggestions, not really "corrections." And keep in mind that I'm just being picky half the time



As for the story as a whole you did a good job of introducing Hugh as the main character. The reader knows that he can be a cold blooded killer, that he's a ghoul, and that he had a rough past with certain events that might have shaped his current attitude. You also left plenty of room for character development, and you set the story up the story with a plot and setting that most everyone around here can relate to.

I'm interested to see where you go with this story, as there's a lot you can do with with the character that you set up here.

I'm just doing this one to get the inspiration I need to finish another one. Then, I'll be able to write this one chugging. Besides, after having my final chapter for Loose Ends deleted so many times, it gets tedious.

Thanks Tycho, as always your suggestions help me post.

Yeah, basically, my critique was the same as Loose Ends with the addition of the final leg of your chapter. I feel like it could have been more . . . more. Although like Tycho said it really sets up the whole point of this story and Hugh's interesting life summarized into a few sentences, which isn't bad (and I also see the connection in Hugh's past that you made, you clever dog). I feel as though with the tone you were trying to set with Hugh, you cold have fleshed out the dialogue with some action as well, considering most people -- and definitely not bad-asses -- don't say that much without doing something. That's pretty much it, I want to see how much more intricate this web of intrigue gets.

Trust me, my first few chapters will usually svck and then according to others it gets much better.

Good as Caps
Chapter 2

Hugh walked around. Reliving his memories brought back bad things. His life marked by many bad things. Hugh never had a good life after the Great War, and he figures he doesn't have much to live for. He often wondered why he never just put a bullet through his head. "Painful, Hugh?" Hugh heard Mr. House say. "Yes. It'll be painful through out all of this. So if you'll excuse me, I'll sit down." Hugh walked towards a chair and sat down "So, of course I was freaking out. I mean I just saw my girlfriend eating my parents..."

Current Location:Beach House in California Year:2077
Hugh walked through the door that hid his family. "Hey I've got the..." Hugh saw a sight that made him sick to his stomach. His girlfriend was eating his parents. He dropped the bag his parents had given him to collect food and said "What the hell are you doing Amanda!?" Amanda turned around and wiped her mouth. "I'm so sorry honey. You were gone for so long and I was afraid you were dead!" Hugh backed away and ran out the door slamming it behind him and backing up against it. "Honey, I love you! Please forgive me!" Hugh heard Amanda say. He looked around, the beach was still filled with white sand and the lifeguard tower nearby. The view was terrible as was the sky, he spotted a baseball bat nearby. Hugh wondered why there was a baseball bat nearby, a beach wasn't a good place to play baseball. Hugh stopped wondering and grabbed the baseball bat. He gripped it like he was going to smash some one's head open.

Hugh stood back and opened the door. "Oh honey, I'm so glad you..." Amanda came running out and Hugh hit her like a baseball going for a home run. "Stupid [censored]! You ate my parents and expect me to... to love you again?!" Hugh hits Amanda head again and again. Until she is so [censored] up no one can recognize her. Amanda died from this and the pain she felt was extreme to the point of death, but Hugh didn't care. Hugh stepped over her body and walked towards the body of his parent's. "I'm so sorry! I never knew... I never knew she would eat you!" Hugh fell to his knees and said. Tears fell out of Hugh's eyes. Twenty minutes later Hugh stands up says "There's nothing you can do for them Hugh. Their dead and never coming back." Hugh walked away crying. Hugh stepped over Amanda's body, and looked back at her. Hugh turned around stomped on her face. Leaving sandal marks on her face. Hugh grabbed the bloody baseball bat and walked towards the cave where he found the fungus.

Current Location: Lucky 38, Year 2281
Hugh leaned back in his chair and continued "So, I just continued towards that cave and thought nothing. My parent's were dead and so was my girlfriend. I was so unstable at that point. My mind was on a teeter-totter." Hugh showed this with his hands and continued "But getting there was easy, but living there would prove to be the hardest part of my life."

This chapter was much better both in grammar and overall flow. I just have a few criticisms this time around:



I'm guessing you started off with the short sentences on purpose to put emphasis on these lines and make them seem stark and depressing. Nice job.
Although it doesn't sound as good, grammar dictates that you have to say, "His life was marked..."
My only other suggestion here would be to switch "bad" with something like "horrible" or "awful" For example:

"Reliving his memories brought back awful, deplorable things. His life was marked by many terrible and unspeakable things."



That's nice and all, but I've never witnessed someone eating somebody else (thank god)

Not to be too gruesome, but try to describe these things in a little more detail, it doesn't have to be too graphic, you can just compare it to something. For example:

"Hugh's girlfriend was sitting there, consuming his parents as a vulture would a dead animal."
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Overall this chapter was a huge improvement over the last one, and there's still a lot you can do to characterize Hugh throughout the rest of the story. I'm starting to see how his past has shaped who he is today, so good job with that.

Ignore this post, it had some kind of posting error so I deleted everything.