how do you know if they are working, in FO3 you could tell that they had load but the missions coming up!

There are pop ups that tell you when they are loaded.

If you are not getting them then they have not loaded.

Same on NV if they are working, they load, you get some info and it tells you your level cap had gone up by 5 each time, and then you get a quest...

then they didnt.....

Sure you didn't just skip them, like when people skip the little pop up at the end telling them they're at the Point of No Return, yet still get pissed that there's no "Broken Steel" like DLC.

Check your quest log, they'll show up there if you did skip.

You either need to re-install the disk that you were given, or not skip through all the messages that pass through.

More than likely it is the first one.