I wrote this at about 2:00 am in the morning so it might be a bit rusty. I've always loved Elder Scrolls lore n such, and I've always loved Vampires. When I learned there were Vampires in Elder Scrolls I had to do some fan fiction. Later on I'll research deeper into the Vampire lore of Elder Scrolls to improve my writing.
Enjoy, and may Sithis be with you.


I was like a shadow, the cool night air whisked past me as I rushed through it at speeds that was impressive even for a being such as I. The Captain of the Guard, Ferrus Manus fell to the ground clutching his instantly broken neck, only making a small grunt as his life slipped away. My contract fulfilled, it was time to return to the Hollow. I stood over the man grinning, relishing the murder I had committed. There was no time to feed, more guards were on their way. It mattered not though, for I had feasted upon the fat merchant, Tevell. His thick blood would keep me going for a few more days.

"You there!" shouted a guard, pointing his longsword at me. "Surrender or I shall run you through!"

"Hmm.. I would stay and get impaled, but I'm really short on time. You are quite amusing though," I replied, throwing a dagger into the Imperial servant's throat. He fell clutching his neck as the other guard rushed towards me.

"Raaaah!" he cried, bringing a warhammer smashing through the air where I had been standing not a second ago. Before he knew it I was behind him, snapping his arm backwards and kicking out his legs.

"No.. Please!" he begged, just now realizing the nature of his opponent. I smiled and looked down into his face.

"I shall let thee live! But just because I am short on time and one such as you deserves a slow agonizing death." The man looked up at me, and was about to reply but I cut him short, leaping into the night.

It was time to return to the Crimson Scar hideout, the Deepscorn Hollow. The journey there would be time-consuming, even for one blessed by Sithis himself. It would be daytime soon, and I would need to find somewhere to take refuge. I had heard rumors of a cave nearby which was housing a band of marauders. Perhaps I should pay them a little visit.
+++
There used to be a watchman outside the cave, but now there was a dead watchman. The damp rock above dripped thick liquid down into the passage, every once in a while impacting upon my slick, greased hair.

"Murtill is that you?" called out a voice in a cavern connected to the passage I was walking through. I heard the man begin walking towards the passage.

I had to think quick, for I didn't want to fight an entire band of marauders at once. I could see the traveler now, inching his way through the cave. I took off my spell of invisibility and looked into the man's face.

With an air of confidence I replied, "Yes.. This is Murtill."

The marauder looked convinced, and asked, "Why aren't you still at watch? I don't take over 'till mornin'!"

"I know.. I came in to get some heavier clothing. Very cold tonight," I said, trying to keep him from seeing my pale face.

"Wait here.. I'll go get you somethin'," said the man, who turned and walked back into the cavern. He returned carrying a leather jacket and some gloves.

The marauder walked right onto my dagger, which I held out before me. The poison went quickly to work, and he was slipping into death's embrace. I grabbed him by the throat and pushed him up against the wall. "What is your name!?" I asked.

"Der.. Derunus.."

"Good. Now be a good boy and go to sleep," I said as the man was gripped by Sithis's cold fingeres. It took me a few minutes to hide the body, and I had already masked my face to look like Derunus's.

I walked back into the cavern full of bandits and thugs, sitting down by the fire.

"Hey Derunus when are we gonna go ambush that caravan? It's almost dawn!" shouted one of the ruffians.

"I decided that I will not be leading that one.. You!" I said, pointing at one of the men.

"Yeah, boss?" queried the marauder, looking up from a game of cards. Great.. Apparently Derunus was the boss of the band. This would work out well. I thought to myself before replying to the marauder, "You lead the gig with the caravan.. I'm not feeling my best today."

"Aye sir," he said back to me, and he gathered up some men and departed from the cave. I sat down against a pillar of wet rock, and rested my head against a filthy jacket I propped up againt the pillar.

I slept through the day, awaking at around 8:30 p.m. Most of the bandits that I had seen the morning before were back in the cave, except a few who had probably been killed while taking out the merchant caravan. Some of the marauders were looking at me funny, most had taken their distance from me. I realized that my guise had fallen, and the men were aware something was wrong.

I jumped up from my positon and ripped out a man's throat. Several others got up, maces and rusty swords drawn. I threw my lucky dagger into a marauder's eye, and closed the distance between me and him before he had a chance to fall. I ripped out the blade in a shower of blood, and eviscerated another through the heart. I rolled under a swinging mace, and crunched my elbow into a man's sternum, shattering his ribs. A bolt from a crossbow flitted past my cheek, and I leaped onto the firer. I stabbed my dagger into his chest repeatedly, and threw it backhanded into another bandit's stomach. I jumped backwards and dragged the dagger up through his chest and into his neck. He fell, viscera and blood leaking out of the chasm in his body.

The rest of the marauders had backed up against the cavern wall, obviously realizing I was not a normal being. One of the bandits, an Orc who identified himself as Gro'Taluk stepped forwards. "Please, spare the remainder of us. We shall let you leave, and we will not pursue you," he offered, and went onto one knee.

"Of course, I am not a man of no honor," I said, looking up from the still bleeding body of the man I had practically cut in half, "But I shall take one of you as a prize," I demanded, and pointed at a beautiful young lady who was wielding a shortsword. "You. I will take you."

"Please.. No!" she said, tears rolling down her face.

"Shandria, please.. Do it for the band. May the Gods watch over you," said Taluk, pushing the weeping girl forwards.

"Do not fear, I shall not do her any harm. But you see, the life of one such as me can get lonely. I simply want some company on my travels," I explained, flashing my fangs to discourage any challenges. I grabbed the girl by the wrist and fled the cave, bursting into the night.
+++
I was on The Green Road now, on my way to the Bay Roan Stables outside Bravil where I would sail across the Niben Bay and continue my travels on the other side. But at the moment I had just made a life-saving discovery. It had been nearly ten hours sense my leaving from the bandit cave, so the sun was rising already. It was already burning my skin, the torment was excruciating. I had been through worse, and some bad sunburn wasn't going to stop me. The discovery was the all too welcoming Inn of Ill Omen.

The door opened loudly, and I stepped inside, wind whipping at my black coat, which flapped against my flexible leather armor. It felt like I had stepped from an oven into ice-cold water. There was no other feeling like it, and I fell to my knees in pleasure.

"What's your deal?" asked Shandria.

"I.. The sun.. It burns me," I replied, and got back onto my feet, looking around at the residents of the Inn of Ill Omen. One was an aged female Redguard, staring at me curiously while taking a swig from a mug of mead. The friendly looking inkeeper, a large Breton, rushed to my side.

"Are you alright, sir?" he asked, worried for me.

"I'm quite fine, I assure you. I just tripped on my cape," I replied smoothly, convincing the simple man. "I'm here, as you have guessed, to rent out a room."

"Well I'll be a spotted snow bear.. A customer!" shouted the man, opening his arms wide. "I am Manheim Maulhand, the innkeeper of this humble inn. A room is 10 gold. I got a big one downstairs. Oh.. And don't mind Rufio. He's your neighbor down there. He makes a bit o' noise in his sleep. I can get you a different room if you really want."

"Oh it's fine, really. Me and Shandria can live with it. Thank you for your kindness," I said, and opened the trap door to the rooms below. The rackety ladder creaked as I placed a leather boot upon it. I let myself slide down, followed quickly by Shandria.

"So.. What is your name anyways, Vampire?" asked Shandria bluntly.

"Mm. My name is Vincellus Baun. You shall know me as Vince, or you may call me by my name amongst my associates. Nightbleeder."

"I think I shall call you Vince," giggled Shandria, curious about the Vampire. She followed me into the room.

"This room is quite large. It is cheap for 10 gold," I said, and searched the room for any hidden traps or anything else that might danger me or Shandria.

"You really don't have to do that," she said, watching me go about as if I was some paranoid psycopath.

"It is out of necessity, my dear Shandria," I said, continuing about my work. "Lock the door, would you?"

"As you wish," she said, obviously mocking me.

"Look, lady. I didn't pick you so I could be mocked as if I was not an age-old being of power greater than you could comprehend. I picked you because I saw in you the beauty of a goddess and the skill of an assassin. If you wish to prove me wrong, then do so, but I see potential in you to be a great addition to the Crimson Scars."

Shandria's eyes widened before saying, "The Crimson Scars? Aren't they assassins?"

"Assassins in a way. We worship the Night Lord Sithis. His cold embrace governs all of our movements, and we rival against the vile Dark Brotherhood who think themselves the true holder of Sithis's blessing. We practice our skills with contracts assigned to us by various employers across Cyrodill.

"Interesting.. But I'm afraid I have no wish to enter into the Crimson Scars."

"Well nevertheless, I picked you and you shall stay with me until you die or become a member of the Crimson Scars," I said coldly, looking in to her dark green eyes.
+++
It was just getting dark when a man wearing pitch black robes entered the room, having picked the lock. He was hard to spot, even with my enhanced vision. I whipped out my dagger.

"Who goes there?" I hissed, surprising the man. I soon realized that it was a Dark Brotherhood hitman.

"I.. Who are you is the real question? I was sent here on a mission to kill Rufio.. And you obviously aren't him," replied the assassin.

I laughed, and lit a candle, revealing my fangs. "Wrong time, wrong room," I said, and lifted my right arm, which was bare. The symbol of the Crimson Scars sent a chill down the assassin's spine.

"Please.. I.. I'm not even in the Dark Brotherhood yet. Killing Rufio is my initiation," said the man, who dropped his weapon.

"You will accompany me. You shall repent for your attempt to enter the Dark Brotherhood, and you shall join the Crimson Scars," I hissed, and brought the candle over to him, and threw back his hood. He was a Dunmer, about thirty or forty in age. Just the way he carried himself gave off an aura of power. I recoiled, startling the Dark Elf. I returned, and set down the candle on a chest. I lit three more and placed them around the room.

"I will do whatever you wish, as long as you spare me," said the Dunmer, who took off the Dark Brotherhood robes to reveal an almost skin tight leather bodyglove. I took the Brotherhood robes and threw them into the fireplace, then I set it on fire.

"I will bestow upon thee the gift of Sithis if you wish. Not all members of the Crimson Scars carry its weight, but most do. It will be a smart choice to receive the blessing," I explained, studying the Dunmer's extraordinary features. He had a recently broken nose, and a shadow of a beard that covered the bottom half of his face.

"You will kill Rufio this night. And in doing so you will join the Crimson Scars!" I exclaimed, patting the man on the shoulder.

"Yes.. Yes! Rufio shall die by my hand.." shouted the excited Dunmer, picking up the small blade he dropped, and exited from the room.

"Ahh. I didn't think this day would be so eventful," I said, and sighed in relief as Rufio's rambling turned into a surprised yelp which was cut off quickly. I grinned as if I could feel the Night Lord taking hold of Rufio's soul.

P.S. I'm only 13 yrs old so my writing isn't perfect yet.

Man....this is nice. But 13 years old on the forums? :nono: Check mine out when you get a chance too, little one.

I looked at your writing and your rp.. They seemed pretty cool, but the hunter thing seemed rlly short and pointless. Thank's for the comment though. I didn't think I would get one this fast. I'll try and get the next chapter out soon. I'm doing a bit of research on Vampires in Elder Scrolls.

Yeah lol, I really didn't try with the hunter thing. Bored out of your mind, anything seems appeasing.

:[ C'mon guys.. 50 views and only 1 person replying? I expected more posts, but then again this is my first fanfic on here.

Here's Chapter Two of the Son of Crimson series.'

Here's Chapter Two of the Son of Crimson series.


The Dunmer reentered the room, wiping blood from his black and gold blade. "The deed is done, my lord," he said.

"Good, good. We leave at sunset," I stated, sitting down on the metal-bound chest at the end of the bed. "Shandria. Get our things ready. Sunset is in half an hour."

"Yeah yeah I'm on it," she replied, packing their meager belongings into a large sheepskin backpack.

Twenty eight minutes later, the three of us went back into the lobby.

"Hello!" called out the innkeeper who was slightly confused about how three people came out when only two went in. "Mind if I ask how there is one more of you than when you came in?"

"Hah. That is a funny story, really. This Dunmer was in my bag for we thought he was dead. It turned out he was only injured and he awoke."

"Alright then. I suppose this is farewell, then, my friend," said Manheim, unconvinced.

"Indeed it is. Gods be with you, Manheim," I said, opening the door and walking out into the cool night. "Ahh the cool air of Sithis refreshes me so. Come now. We make all haste for the Bay Roan Stables."

The walk was long and slow. If I had been alone I could've been aross the Bay already, but the taking the mortals along with me was necessary. Two new recruits into the Crimson Scars would please the Fanglords much.

It was 4:34 a.m. when they reached the stables. We made a sharp left and I found my hidden boat under a fallen oak where I had left it. With help from the mortals we managed to push the large rowboat upside down just before the sun rose. I crawled under, and went into a half-sleep trance.

Shandria and the Dunmer were taking turns watching and sleeping. The day went past quickly, and they pushed the boat right-side up when the hour of Sithis had arrived. We sailed for hours, and we saw the outline of a small island. With my Vampiric vision I could see a large stone object on top of the island. As we grew closer I could see blue energy coming out of the stone object.

"What in Sithis is that.." I said to myself quietly. Shandria and the assassin were similarly awestruck. I could now see the object clearly. It seemed to be carved with four faces. The one that was emitting that strange blue glow had a mouth that was open very widely as if in a scream. The rowboat ground onto the rocky shore of the small island, and we hopped off.

"Greetings, travelers. I am Gaius Prontus. I suggest you leave the area immediately. A gateway has opened to another realm, and everyone who I've seen go in comes out with their brains addled. Take that Khajiit for instance," said a guardsman that was standing by the blue light. "She thinks she's completely invisible. I don't understand what happens in there, but I for one have no intent to find out."

"How very interesting. I must report this to the Fanglords. An amazing discovery indeed. Come with me Shandria. And you, Dunmer, what is your name? We never had a chance to exchange names," I said, looking back at the assassin.

"Saul Tarvitz. A strange name for a Dark Elf, I know, but I was raised and named by Redguards. And your name is?"

"I am known by Vincellus Baun. You shall know me as Vince or Nightbleeder," I explained to Tarvitz, and turned around towards Gaius. "Gaius. It was nice to meet you.. I would stay and chat but I really have to run," my fangs! I had shown this foolish guard my fangs! Just great. Another person I'm going to have to kill.

Gaius's eyes opened in shock, "You.. What ARE you?!"

"If you ask any more questions I will be your death."

Gaius sighed, keeping his mouth shut..

"Come now, Saul and Shandria. The Fanglords await," I said, stepping towards the boat.
+++
During that day I lay under the seats, with leather jackets covering me so I wouldn't be burned too bad by the sun. Even with this protection I could feel its heat not twelve inches away. It was as if I was in a oven, the leather and wood floor of the boat the walls, and the sun the burning furnace.

Night came around slowly, my agony flushed away as the air of Sithis washed my skin, the searing pain of the sun replaced with the ecstasy of night.

The boat made impact on the southeastern coast of the Niben Bay. The beautiful landscape, the trees, the grass, looked all the more breathtaking during the night. Although this place was pretty, I was not fooled, for I knew many dangerous creatures and bandits lurked in these woods.

"Alright.. Now we will make our way down this road," I said, pointing at the large cobble road in front of us. "Somewhere along the way we will find the Drunken Dragon Inn. We shall be there before sunrise lest you wish me to burn to death."

As I had planned, we were able to reach the inn an hour before the dreadful orange globe would rise.

The door open, I walked in to see the place completely abandoned. Not two weeks ago I was here, and there were at least ten customers.

"This is very odd. Very odd indeed. We shall spend the night in a room, regardless of the absence of the innkeeper. Come, you two are probably exhausted," I explained, leading the way to the bedrooms.

We entered the tiny bedroom. It smelled of recently spilled blood, and I loved it. I slept on the floor beside the bed, Tarvitz curled up at the bottom of it, and Shandria slept on the green silk bed.

The vile daytime flew by uneventfully to my surprise. I had had a feeling that I was being watched the entire time. I was hungry now, hungry for blood. It was like a raging lion placed inside my organs. I must have blood. Now, or soon.

Shandria awoke followed by Tarvitz.

"I must feed! Please hurry! Hurryyyy!" I hissed, ushering them out of the abandoned inn. We must be quick! The pain is excruciating!" I cried into the forest, rage and hate filling me. Tarvitz put an arm around my shoulder, supporting me. I looked at him to offer thanks, and I fainted, for his succulent blood coursing through his juicy jugular vein was not inches away. I didn't weigh much, so my two companions were able to carry me for about a mile.

When I came to, it was all I could do not to slaughter the Dunmer and the human in a fit of bloodthirst. I turned around, and vomited phlegm and intestinal fluid onto a moss covered rock. Now facing Shandria and Saul, I spat out more vile liquid, trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

"I must find a source of blood! For now an animal will do.. GO! Fetch me a deer or something! Sate this unending thirst!" I screaming, shoving my companions desperately in the direction of the woods.

Half an hour later they returned to find me huddled up against the base of a tree, bugs crawling all over me. They had brought back a dead boar. I drank gratefully of its disgusting pig blood, but atleast the thirst was gone for a few hours.

"Come on! The Hollow is only a day or two away if we don't take more than one stop when the sun comes up," I said.

Shandria looked up, darkness surrounded her eyes. "My lord, you may go ahead of us.. We will catch up eventually but we are very, very tired. Let us rest. We shall meet you down the road."

I sighed and looked Shandria in the eye. Those orbs looked like the eyes of the Night Mother. I could not disagree with one so obviously blessed. "Yes, I shall go ahead. Smart thinking, Shandria."

"Thank you! Thank you, master!" cried out Shandria, who sat down against the tree, letting out a breath.

"Farewell. I shall wait for you ten miles down the main rode. Don't take too long."

I was ten miles down the road in twenty minutes. I climbed up into a tree and waited. It seemed an eternity, waiting for the two mortals. I wondered to myself why I had recruited them. In the man, Saul, I suppose I saw a little of myself as I was back before I experienced the Change. The girl was a whole different story. In her I saw the essence of the Night Mother herself. She seemed to be a center for darkness, her eyes Sithis incarnate. She was night itself. I only hoped she would discover her potential and use it for the good of the Scars and for the glory of Sithis. For now, though, I would have to wait.

I haven't read the second chapter yet but I can still give you a brief review. Well your writing is generally very good, I didn't spot many grammar or spelling mistakes and you do quite a good job of describing the scene. But I get the feeling that the character is a little to generic, he is too powerful if you ask me, just killing anyone he wants, I just felt that it was a little bland just reading about him killing people. And the lady who you took with you seemed all too calm, even you were captured by a vampire you would be crapping yourself, it seemed she was having nice little chit chats with him. I think the character's personality is pretty good even if it is a litte cliche and predictable but it's alright since you pulled it off quite well. You just need to tone down on his all powerfulness.

Overall so far so good, just needs a few minor improvements, mainly just your dude not being so uber. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you're only 13 years old, and for a 13 year old what you wrote is really very good. Keep it up and I hope to read more .

Thank you for the comment.. I realize he seems a bit uber in the first chapter. The second chapter isn't that different, although he doesn't kill anyone in it. About the girl, the reason he took her is because she was extraordinary. Also, she was a bandit, so she didn't have much of a life either. It seems a little bland now, but I'm not going to counterargue with stuff from Chapter 2 because that would ruin the ch for you. In chapter three I'm going to mix it up a bit. I'll have CH3 out in a day.. Read chapter 2 in the mean time.

Cmon guys you aren't being very enthusiastic! You commenting on my stories is what drives me to write more! Take an extra minute and reply!!

The first half of your chapter was very good and I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I think, if you were meant to get back to the hideout wouldn't that be the main objective so that you can 'please' the 'Fanglord's? I found it a bit odd how he was just like ''ooh a Daedric realm lets go and explore.'' It would of made more sense maybe if you went back to the hideout, met with the fanglords and then explore the island. And this probably isn't your intention but if I was you I wouldn't go and do a fan-fic about your character doing the Shivering Isles story, it would ruin the originality of the story.

But yeah once again very good writing, I think you explained and described better in chapter 2 as well. Keep it up :thumbsup:.

Yeah I see what you're saying. I'm going to rewrite it.. I thought to myself as I was writing basically the same thing u posted n I was too lazy at the moment to change it lol. Ty for the comment.

I agree with what was said above, your writing is good. Your word choice surprised me most of all, and the combat isn't half bad. However, it will be a short story if you don't fix some of the major plot holes; mostly the characters. Meaning that the protagonist is stereotypical uber-vampire/assassin, Shandria is waaaay too calm and relaxed compared to her crying before, and Saul seems to have little to no dialogue and also is far too loyal to him to begin with. Every little thing goes the protagonist's way, no one disagrees with him or fights what he wants; this leads to inevitable uberness beyond just his fighting style.

I enjoy the Crimson Scar usage, I always liked them, but be sure to try and follow what little lore we have on them. Go ahead and make up all you want, just please don't break what is already set.

The randomness of the portal feels like what happened in game. Which was boring and should be changed for a fan fic, and you almost did that. But not quite, everything still feels random, put together. You feel like you are playing the form fitting everything revolves around you game, which real life isn't at all like. He might be super powerful, but he doesn't need to also be the player character ^_^

Your use of vampireness was fine. Uber, but distinctly vampire like, even if it was a bit off. Not enough to mention, just recall that being a vampire isn't all fun and games.

One thing I noticed was the exact measurements you used. These were just little odd things that stuck out to me, that he knew it was 4:34 exactly, and that 28 minutes had passed. Just odd, nothing really bad about it.

Good work using first person. It really lets you keep that element of mystery for the first part that hooks the audience, and allows for easy fight scenes. No complaints here.

There were a few more things, but they slipped my mind so I can't formulate a competent review of them, hopefully they will come clear later so I might tell you. Please edit out a little of the uberness and put some life in your characters before you make a new chapter, I think it will help more. Welcome to the forums, good to see another teen writer, and await more reviews from me.

PS Don't make posts telling people to review your stuff. They will if they feel the need, be happy with what you got already; this is a slow forum for writing reviews. Many fan fics die because the author got so few replies or views he stopped writing, and they waited weeks or months still. Don't expect much of anything the first day or two :rolleyes:

Oh, and one last thing: I think his spontaneous recruiting would make more sense if you made one or two minor changes. For example, have him have been sent on a mission specifically to recruit more people. Or, have him feel that these two were blessed by Sithis and deserve to join his supposedly secret group. Or just have him really like the girl and make Saul join in exchange for his life. Whatever you want, just a few ideas to give reason to why he recruits two random people for his super secret cult.

Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

Thank you for the advice.. I realize it does seem a little unrealistic. I'm going to try to change it and explain it to you as best as I can.
1: The reason Saul is so loyal is because he craves power, and he tries to become attached to people with power. This is the reason he was trying to join the Dark Brotherhood, and, obviously, a Vampire holds a lot of power.

2: The reason Shandria is so calm, as I explained before, is because she was a young bandit and not much was happening in her life. She loves adventure and the reason Vince picked her is because he knew she was a special person, gifted by Sithis perhaps.

In Chapter Three I'm going to have a lot of problems for Vince, but for now I have to fix up Chapter Two. I've already started, but my mom had to use the laptop so I got stalled, but I'll fix it up and have Chapter Three out in no time.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to post, I appreciate it.

Update: Anyone who has read Chapter Two read the second part of it over again.. I changed it completely to make the overall story a lot better. I hope you enjoy Chapter Three it'll be out by 3:00 am tonight.

Ch 3 is a bit short 'cuz the next one is going to be really long. Enjoy.


The tree protected me from the sun much more than I had expected, and except for a few burns that the night air would heal I was unharmed. My companions caught up in five hours, my hunger for the red nectar rising once again. I snatched a bird from a nearby branch and drank deep of its bitter blood.

"Vince? Is that you up there?" called the sweet, music-like voice of Shandria.

"Yes. We shall make it to the Hollow by sunrise."

"Then let us get going?" she said coldly.

I was surprised by this turn in her voice, but one such as I would not question someone who may be the Prophet of the Night Mother herself. I would be rewarded greatly for finding a daughter of Sithis. But this was not about my wants, this was about the Glory of Sithis! With this woman the Crimson Scars shall be declared the truly blessed. With this woman, the Scars would be enlightened!

My train of thought was cut short by Shandria. "Vince let's get going!" she shouted this time, her voice like a knife through my ears. This one was gifted indeed.

"Yes, yes, let us leave."
+++
We made it to the Hollow. Once again it was a close call, the sun almost rising to the point where my skin would melt off my skeleton, or atleast feel like that was happening. That, combined with my growing hunger, was going to drive me insane! But we had made it to Deepscorn and that's all that matters.
I leaped into the water, its cool touch caressing my pale, tight skin. Shandria and Tarvitz came into the water after me, if not a little hesitantly.

I opened the door to the Hollow, my companions warily following.

"Well! Look who finally decided to crawl back into the Hollow," spat Greywyn. He walked up to me and patted me on the shoulder. "I joke. It is good to have you back, brother. I expect your mission was successful? The Captain Manus is dead?"

"Of course, my brother. But I really must hurry. I have made a discovery that the Fanglords MUST know about!"

"Well, I'm not going to get in your way, but be careful. You know how Fulgrim can be when he gets mad," warned Greywyn playfully.

"My brother I assure you that this will in no way anger Fanglord Fulgrim."

"Good luck brother. May Sithis guide you."

"And him you," I replied, taking Shandria by the hand to the door to the Cloister, then leading them down to the Shrine.

"Please.. Do not touch ANYTHING. And do not speak unless spoken to. Understand?" I said, mostly to the Dunmer.

"Yeah, Vince," they both replied almost at the same time. Shandria and Saul were awestruck at the beauty and glory of the Shrine of Sithis. Stone carvings of people were halfway emerged from the rock walls. Dozens of bone-like spikes jutted out of a giant statue of the Glorious One. The Father of the Night. The Great Sithis.

"Nightbleeder. The Captain is dead. I know this, because you would not have returned if he wasn't," hissed Fulgrim, his magnificent voice bringing both of the mortals to their knees.

"Yes, my lord. You shall be most pleased, though. I.. Well.. I think you should see for yourself," I explained, grabbing Shandria by the wrist and walking her down to Fulgrim.

The Fanglord turned around slowly, and his eyes opened wide at the site of Shandria. He got on one knee in prayer to Sithis.

"Eviscerator Nightbleeder.. You are now Scarmaster Baun. You are dismissed," said Fulgrim, who noticed Saul in the back. "Another new recruit? You have really outdone yourself Baun. I shall see that you are greatly rewarded. I will meet you along with the rest of the Scars in the Garden Room."

"Fanglord.. I.. I don't know what to say! You honor me so. I shall carry the word of Sithis proudly."

"I shall keep the girl here. Now go. Tell your brothers about this discovery. You do the Crimson Scars proud, my brother."

"Farewell, Shandria. Don't anger Master Fulgrim," I said, lunging up the stairs two at a time, excited about being the one chosen to spread the Word of Sithis. I only hoped Fulgrim doesn't harm Shandria. She is the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. "Come, Tarvitz. I shall arrange you to have your first contract."

"I would be honored, Scarmaster.."

"You should be. The Scars are the blessed children of Sithis," I stated, and I believed that statement as much as a man could believe in something. My faith in the Dark Lord of the Night was steel. I was willing to die for him, and I would fight and kill for him until that happened.

One thing I noticed in chapter 2: you wrote he was 10 miles down the road in twenty minutes.... this relates to an average of 30miles per hour...... on foot????

Keep it up, I like how you changed the 2nd chapter into something more believable. Going to read chapter 3 now.

edit: on chapter three I noticed you were a bit inconsequent about the use of "mylord" First they are very reverant to Vince and not much later they bluntly call him Vince. Either is fine but a bit awkward in the short time period.

Well.. The 30 mph thing IS a bit unrealistic, I didn't realize it would mean he would be going that fast. But then again he WAS an ancient powerful vampire that had just blood.

The reason Tarvitz calls him "my lord" is because he joined the Crimson Scars and in doing so Vince became his superior. When he calls him Vince it's because they are now brothers, plus Vince told them to call him that. I hope you like Chapter 3.. And if Shandria calls Vince my lord it's out of sarcasm. Update your post when u read ch3 or put a new 1 so I know what you th1nk about it. Thanks for commenting :]

Yes, I think we understand why you did it, it's just your use of it seems awkward at best. There are certain details and transitionary phrases that develop your characters that you lack, and this is the main problem most of us have been getting at. Please try to add more detail and make the characters change and adapt to their new surroundings slowly. We all want Vince's companions to agree with him, but there's a good chance they won't, not realisticly. Even if Shandria was bored with her bandit life, it doesn't just make her want to become an assassin and be completely un-surprised or scared about a vampire kidnapping her. Connect with what your characters are feeling and there is nothing you can't write ^_^

On one last note, I don't think the Scars would use the Night Mother as someone to be venerated, which Vince seems to do often. She is primarily a Dark Brotherhood figure, being their leader, capable of being seen under the lucky old lady statue. You can make something up that makes her side with the Scars, but if nothing is made, then she is a DB person.


EDIT: I agree with what Chriso said, thanks.

Shandria deals with things by being calm. It's part of her personality.. I never said she wanted to be an assassin... In fact, she told Vince that she wasn't interested. She accepted her fate as Vince's companion. She is the supposedly blessed by Sithis.. I'd expect her to be a little resilient. I didn't realize the Night Mother was strictly DB.. I thought she and Sithis went hand in hand, but I guess I was wrong.. I'll change that up after I catch some sleep. I've been up all night for two days :[

Yeah about the speed thing, Usain Bolt, worlds fastest 100m sprinter can run up to 23-24mph over 100m - 200m. Even if your dude is an ancient vampire he couldn't go that fast .

And about Shandria being all too calm, it may be accepted over time, but you should write a little bit about how she is adjusting to the whole situation. She has gotten use to it already which is a tad unrealistic, but it has already been mentioned.

You may think Darkom, me and the others are being harsh but it's because we think you're good and want you to be the best you can. Don't be insulted, be encouraged.

I don't think you're being harsh. I like getting feedback so I can fix the problems. I couldn't do that without people who take a minute to review. I like it when people put advice for my story. Keep doin' it!! :mohawk:

Sorry about Chapter 4 taking so long.. I've been busy. I'll try to get it out rlly soon.