Apprentice vI
By: Arbene Muberius

Carnius awoke to the sound of his door closing. He looked out the window next to his bedpost and saw the light of Masser shining upon the dew covered Foxglove. It was late in the night and the night and the town was asleep, besides from the thieves and skooma dealers outside. He rose from his bed and headed for the door. He noticed that his roommate Filar wasn't in bed. He opened the door silently and saw Filar at the end of the hall. Once they made eye contact Filar waved for him to follow. Before Carnius could say anything, Filar exited the sleeping quarters. Knowing that Filar most likely was up to another one of his crazy ideas, he grabbed the emergency scroll of bound dagger next to him that all associates were given for emergency situations. He quietly crept through the hall, being careful not to wake up any of the other guildmembers. He reached the door, walked down the stairs and found Filar standing near the door.

"Filar, what are you doing? Not even Nocturnal is awake at this hour of the night!"

"Calm down, and follow me."

"No way, last time I went along with your last crazy idea, Kud-Ei made me recite Vanto's Third Law while using the only magicka my mind can comprehend to water walk!"

"Don't worry I have invisibility scrolls this time."

"And where did you those from, Ungarion I presume."

"He won't even know, I replaced them with a scroll of weak camouflage." He said with a smirk

Before Carnius could say anymore, Fila shoved the scroll into his arms, and opened the door to Bravil. It was a cold night, and the sight of the entire town being empty added an unsafe feeling in the bottom of Carnius's gut.

"Grab my hand and read the scroll, a guard is coming."

Carnius had no choice but to do what he said, if he was discovered, the Mages Guild would surely be told, and the punishments would follow. The two boys read the scrolls and surely enough, they turned invisible. Carnius was pulled by Fila to behind a tree near the Mages Guild.

"We only have sixty seconds to make it to the main gate, be careful not to let go of me, or touch anything."

"Yes Filar, I am aware of the restrictions when invisible, lead on so we may finish this and I may to back to sleep."

Carnius felt the tug of Fila's hand, and followed where he led him. They went around the back of the houses to pass the Lucky Lady statue. Carnius panicked for a second when he saw a Bosmer standing at the statue, but he soon remembered that he was invisible.

They made it to the main gate and snuck out of Bravil successfully. But Carnius remembered the guard that had a post at the end of the bridge.

"Filar, there is a guard posted at the end of the bridge, it seems you have not thought this out thoroughly."

"You truly do underestimate me too much. I have timed this perfectly, and the guard that is usually there is inside of Silverhome on the Water, quenching his thirst with a nice cold glass of Mead."

"I don't even want to know how you know this."

"And you don't have to, follow me."

Carnius had never been out of town this late in the night, he was starting to feel more and more nervous.

"Filar, I really don't think we should be doing this, let's turn back."

"Are you afraid Carnius?" Filar said with a chuckle

"No! I just don't think this is very smart, or safe."

"Where did safe ever get anyone in life, just shut up and follow me, this is going to be worth it this time."

"Would you at least tell me what we are doing?"

"You might never find out if you keep talking!"

"Oh how terrible that would be." Carnius muttered to himself in a sarcastic tone

After walking to the water's edge, out of sight of any guards, Filar stopped and pulled a scroll.

"What is that Filar?"

"Silence, let me concentrate, this is a complicated scroll. I summon thee, Dremora Caltiff, from the Planes of Oblivion to serve me."
Carnius's heart was pounding furiously, and nearly every inch of him was shaking.

"Filar you fool!"

There suddenly were swirling red beams in a circle, and the Dremora appeared. The Dremora was covered in a full suit of Daedric armor that was nearly glowing dark red, Carnius had never seen such a sight in all his life, he was speechless.

"Why have you summoned me mortal? I see no adversary, no enemy that threatens you, why have you summoned me?"

Filar was speechless, we had no reason to summoning the Dremora.

"Answer me mortal!"

The boys both still couldn't say anything, they had never seen such a sight in their life. The Dremora drew his sword and swung wildly at Filar, the boy tried dodging the sword, but the Dremora was too fast. It sliced a cut diagonally across the boy's chest spraying blood out every which way. The boy let out bloodcurdling scream that caused Carnius to snap out of his trance he had been in since the Dremora appeared. As the boy groaned squirming around on the ground, the Dremora turned and faced Carnius. The boy looked at the Dremora's face in horror. He looked into his eyes and knew he had to act fast, because the Dremora was slowing advancing towards Carnius. He suddenly remembered his emergency scroll he had grabbed before he left. He quickly unraveled it and read the scroll. As expected, a dagger appeared in Carnius's hand. The Dremora swung fiercely at the Carnius, but unlike Filar he dodged the sword by rolling to the side. Knowing that the Dremora would soon realize that he had not struck the boy, he acted fast. He rushed the Dremora from the side and stabbed him in the side of his neck. The Dremora let out an even louder yell than the boy, so loud that Carnius stumbled backwards, tripped over a log, and landed hitting his head on a rock, quickly going unconscious.

Allum woke to the voice of Kud-Ei's voice.

"How do you feel?"

"Like a hung-over Nord." Carnius responded bluntly

"You should! You're lucky you are alive!"

"How's Filar?"

"Not as good as you, he was taken to the Imperial City for further healing."

Carnius looked down as the floor, not knowing what to say.

"What possessed you two to do something as foolish as to summon a Dremora?"

"I did not know what was going to happen, Filar did not tell me. I only knew his intentions when he read the words from the scroll."

"I should ban you from the guild like I did with Filar! But, as you said, you did not know Filar's intentions, and I believe you. In the future, don't do something that sounds as suspicious as that, stand up for yourself, you are nearly an advlt."

Carnius looked back down at the ground

"Yes ma'am."

Kud-Ei rose and went to exit the room, but turned around before exiting.

"Although it was a very foolish and stupid thing for you to do, you showed great courage in your actions."

Carnius raised his head, surprised that she would give him that much credit.

"For a young man that has never harmed a being, conjured a weapon, or used a blade, you did a great job at showing the mental and physical skills needed by a wizard. Two days from now, you will be sent to a highly respected wizard, and become his apprentice, learning the mysteries of the Arcane Arts and travel across all of Tamriel. I suggest you pack your things Carnius, you new life is about to begin."

This is good. But there are a few things that I noticed in this first chapter.

Too much dialogue, my friend. I see that you tried to even it out with a few thick paragraphs in between all of the speech. Just see if you can cut down on the dialogue a bit.

Also, you need more description. What is Carnius' race? What does he look like? But don't give too much description as that might bore the reader; just enough to keep the story going is fine.

I also don't understand how a small boy killed a Dremora, Mehrunes' personal guards and powerful soldiers. I can understand, though, why he would attack a teenage boy and his friend, but not how Carnius killed the thing.

After all I've said, I enjoy this story and look forward to reading more of this.

No, there's no such thing as TOO much dialogue, as long as it's actually important, rather than just pointless ramblings. But V is still right, it is a bit too much the way you've written it in my opinion. You could have separated the dialogue with more regular text, just so it wouldn't be so daunting. :shrug:

EDIT: And V is also right about your level of description. Be a bit more descriptive, please. It will only enhance your storytelling ability.

More description of the characters will probably be included in the next volume.
But for for infromation's sake: Carnius is an Imperial, and Filar is an Altmer.
As for Carnius; a teenage boy taking down a Dremora, is very unbelievable. Which is why it makes a story, thus explaining how Carnius will become an apprentice, because he was gifted enough to take down a Dremora. And plus, the Dremora easily struck Filar, so I'm sure he wasn't expecting to have any trouble with the next boy, underestimating him, and leaving Carnius with a small advantage.
And thank you for the suggestions and compliments :hehe:

Since you offered this up to a player that's looking for stories for books, I'll bump this tired old thread (oh, how many posts it had to live through!) and help you clean this up more.

The dialogue is very stilted and unnatural.



No one talks like this, mage or not. I imagine they're young, too, as the title is "Apprentice". That would make their speech even more casual. Dialogue is one of the hardest things to write, because trying too hard to make it sound good will make it sound unnatural. The best thing to do with it is just imagine that you're saying the lines to a friend. Read the lines aloud, and if they don't sound like something you'd say to someone else, it's not natural enough.



There, doesn't that sound so much better? It reads a lot easier. It's conversational.

Easy guide to good dialogue:

1. Contractions! Use 'em! You ain't writing a thesis paper. People don't talk like "I am", "He is not", "We are". They talk like "I'm", "He's not", "We're". It's simpler that way.

2. No big words. How often do you say "restrictions" in real life? You probably don't at all. Smaller, simpler words will make things easier to read and say, which dialogue should be (unless using heavy dialect, then it's easy to say but hell to read). Also, don't use "may". You know how your elementary teachers always tell you to say "may I go to the bathroom" and not "can I"? Well, screw them. That's how people talk.

3. Sentence structure. Keep it simple. Use short sentences. Don't fill a sentence with commas until it overflows. Don't use five words when you only need three. The fewer words the better, it keeps the sentence shorter and easier to say. Dialogue HAS to be easy to say.

4. Don't use the other person's name. In your story, Carnius is constantly saying Filar, and Filar is constantly saying Carnius. You don't do that in normal speech. It's implied who you're speaking to. In this dialogue, especially when there's only two characters (and realistically, three or ten or more), it's also implied. If you have a lot of people, and really need to clarify who's talking to who, do it through action, like we would in real life. We'd turn toward the person we're speaking to, or gesture to them in some way.

Japanese is very interesting in this regard. Nearly everything in the sentence can be implied, and as long as it has a verb it's a complete sentence. You can't do that in written English, but we DO in spoken English (though not to the same degree). Where we would write "I am going to the library, would you like to come?", when we say it we often omit the subjects. "Going to the library, wanna come?" See? Cuts out "I" (which is implied because it's the speaker) and "you" (because it's who's being spoken to). I'm not saying do it to this extreme, because TES is mildly more "proper" than our world, but keep it in mind.

Also, put some action between dialogue. Not between all the sentences, but between many. Don't have characters speak for ten lines, then make up for it with a huge, run-on paragraph packed with description. Use stage directions. Tell us what the characters are doing while they're chatting, whether that's playing with their fingers or scratching their heads.

I'll clean up a section of dialogue. Consider it, then rewrite it to be more your style. AND, add stage direction. I can't do that, because only you know your characters.

Wow, thank you for the detailed critizism, you offer very good advice.
For the next one I will definantly take all of the advice you all have given me and use it. I am in the middle of writing part II, and I will have much less conversations and more descriptions on the characters, and the 1, 2, 3, and 4 points of advice you have given me, thank you very much.

The text has some spelling issues so you might want to write it with some software that has a spelling checker. I do it in Microsoft Word, for instance.

The amount of dialogue didn't seem overabundant to me. On the contrary, you show their character very well with it. By giving your main char a fright at the Old Lady's visitor you show he has perception, instinct and that he is not a frequent walker of the night. Just don't say it later that he spends a lot of time wandering around at midnight. That would be a contradiction to the things I just mentioned.

Your char shows a lot of courage to attack a Dremora, at least in my eyes. I was intrigued by the way the Dremora looked for an adversary and was angered that it was summoned for nothing. It seemed logical. They are an honorable warrior nation and would easily be insulted by this. The one thing I do not understand is why did Filar summon it in the first place. Just to look at it? I suspected there was something more about it.

The story itself has a rather promising beginning, but it will take a lot of effort to develop it. I'm guessing you thought of this when you played the Mages Guild questline so unless you follow it further with slight quirks to make it interesting (a very uncreative way of writing in my opinion) you will need to think of something really interesting to keep readers with you. It all depends on your motives for writing. If you just want to have fun, write until your inspiration stops. If you want to become a serious writer someday, put some sweat and blood (figuratively, of course ) into it.

In either case, good luck to you.

I simply must respond to these two points. Contractions and simpler words are used in speech, yes. That doesn't mean you MUST use them in written dialogue. Sure, the can't, I'm, We're, those are OK. But there are some ways to shorten the words and simplifying their spelling which sound very awkward (light becomes lite, for instance).
Also, there are words that could sound very unnatural in TES universe (howdy would be very crude). If you do this too much, you will wreck the text. No offense intended but American spoken language is not very nice to listen to, at least to us Europeans (well, to myself personally at least) and that's because you keep cutting the words into shorter, simpler words way too much. In all my English stories I have not done that and the dialogues turned out just fine. If you check the speech in Oblivion, you will see very little such instances. Oblivion's text usually turns out to be mildly British. When I downloaded a mod that used exclusively American spoken text, I had to abandon it because it simply felt wrong for a part of Cyrodiil to speak in such a way. Again, no offense intended to Americans. It is my personal opinion.

You can use big words. Just make sure you use them in a good way. For two young men (adolescents, I believe) to use them could mean they are quoting some line of learned text.

Remember, this is Internet. You will not find just American spoken people here. You could drive some readers away if you use too much of lite, nite and so on.

In the end, just do what you like.

Yes, that's why he is selected to be a Wizard's Apprentice: because he defeated a Dremora which is extremely unbelievable for a young man to do, which is what makes it an interesting story in my opinion. Filar is just an ignorant and curious young man. He was frightened when he actually saw the Dremora, maybe he didn't expect him to look the way he did. As far as me following it from the Mages Guild Quest, no, I did not think of it after I played the quest. Before I actually wrote this, I was going to start the main character off as an apprentice, but I later thought it would be better to explain what he did to become an apprentice. The reason I chose Bravil, is because it is a poor and shabby town, and you wouldn't necissarily expect an apprentice of a great wizard to choose someone from there.
This is more a story that I am writing for fun, I do not wish to become a professional writer someday.
Thank you very much for the tips.

You misunderstood what I said.

I didn't say shorten all the words. I meant use simple words. "Lite" isn't even a word. I mean REAL words that mean the same thing but are SIMPLER. Words more likely to be heard in spoken language. For example, words like "exceedingly" need to go most of the time, unless you're having some weirdo scientist guy (or wizard) speaking. Words like "truthfully" can be replaced by "to be honest", which is much more natural. Using your example of "lite" and "light" again, we don't SAY "lite". We say "light". Lite is just a shorthand version of "light" used in text. I don't mean shorthand. I mean short, simple words. I don't mean make up words.

I don't mean to use dialect, either. No "Howdy", no "ya'll", nothing like that. That depends entirely on the CHARACTER, and is much harder to use in writing. If you write a cowboy, have him talk like that. That's fine. PEOPLE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT UNLESS THEY'RE FROM THE WEST. Again, I mean to write dialogue how it is SPOKEN.

I thought I was clear. Maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought. THAT'S what I mean.

Apprentice vII
By: Arbene Muberius

Carnius had packed his things and was ready for anything. This was the day that would change his life as he knew it, and would begin his apprenticeship and eventually become a powerful wizard. He had some spare time on his hands so he asked Kud-Ei if he could go to the river to wash up, and she approved.

He looked at his face in the reflection of the water and noticed it to be quite pale. He was an Imperial and most of his the time his skin was tan and exuberant. But with the recent turn of events, he was not surprised that he looked as pale and nervous as he did. He kept looking into the water, staring into his emotionless blue eyes and thought of the night two days before. He can still remember the terrible scream of Filar. He went to touch the back of his head, checking if the bump was still there, and sure enough it still was. Kud-Ei said it had split open, and would probably leave a protruding scar. A constant reminder of the terrible night he had gotten it from.

Upon entering the Mage's Guild, Carnius noticed a Breton man talking to Kud-Ei. He was dressed in typical Mage's robes and Mage's hood. He was taller than Kud-Ei but not by much. He also was wearing fur gauntlets and had a fierce looking staff on his back. He could conclude that the gauntlets were for Alchemy purposes and the staff was a wizard's staff.

Kud-Ei turned to Carnius and said "There is the young lad. Carnius, may I introduce you to your new master: Astein."

"Pleased to meet you sir." Carnius replied

"And you as well young man, are you ready to depart?"

"Yes sir, my things are upstairs, I shall get them at once and be ready."

Carnius walked up the stair and through the hallway to his room. As he picked up his bag of things, he looked took a look at Filar's bed and thought of the scream again. He shook it off, exited his room and proceeded down the stairs.

Kud-Ei looked at Carnius "Goodbye young associate, safe travels."

"Thank you mistress." Carnius said with a forced smile, he wasn't particularly happy about leaving his home.

As the wizard and boy went to exit the guild Kud-Ei said "Oh, I almost forgot, take this scroll."

"What is it?"

"It is a special scroll of bound sword I thought you may need it for emergency purposes in you travels. I hope you don't have to use it, but sooner or later even the smartest wizard is faced with danger."

Kud-Ei handed Carnius the scroll "Good luck, and may you learn much in your apprenticeship."

Before Carnius could say anything, the Argonian turned around and left the room.

The two walked through the town silently, the only thing they had done so far is greet.

Astein turned to Carnius and said "I know you are not particularly in the best of mood, but I want you to know that you will be safe with me."

"Oh, I'm not worried about that." Carnius replied

"Then what is bothering you young man?"

"I? I just didn't think that this would be happening to me, everything is moving so fast in my life right now."

"What are you talking about? Has Sheogorath cursed you? You are an apprentice now, you will travel the world and learn more than a mere associate will ever learn. Few people know the Arcane Arts well, and now you have the opportunity to learn them."

"Yes sir, I know that but-"

"Young lad, I have specifically chosen you as my apprentice. I come all the way from High Rock. You truly do not know your situation."

"Yes sir, I understand what's going on, and I thank you for what you are doing, I am just sad for my friend."

"Well, your friend has my condolences for his unfortunate experience, but that's what happens when you are a fool. I expect no kind of foolishness like your friend showed from this point on, do you understand me boy?"

"Yes sir." Carnius said blankly

Astein sighed "Well, your studies will not start for a few days from now, so I expect that you spend the next couple days gathering your thoughts."

"Yes sir, thank you."

"But you must be totally attentive when your studies start; I wish to waste no time. Understand?"

"Yes sir, I understand."

"And also, you may address me as Master Wizard, I am a sir of the Arcane Arts, and that's how I wish to be spoken to."

Carnius nodded his head as if he understood.

"Master Wizard, where are we headed?"

"The Imperial City, I have to attend the Imperial Alchemy Symposium. And you will also learn much about the school of Alchemy, one of the most important Magick Schools. Let us focus on walking; I do not wish to speak anymore. We will stop in two hours for a break and food, until then I expect complete silence, understand?"

"Yes si-, I mean Master Wizard."

I for one think the dialog was slightly better this time.

Thank you.
What did you not like about it? (so that I may make the third chapter better)

Apprentice vIII
By: Arbene Muberius

"Wake up, wake up boy."

Carnius rose from his bed, and looked in the doorway seeing Astein.

"My, do you know I stood here for nearly a minute, trying to wake you? If I was a bandit or thief, you would be helpless."

Astein walked out of the room and headed downstairs. Carnius turned to the window and saw it was still dark outside.

"Stupid Wizard?.." Carnius said to himself

"Watch your tongue boy! Come downstairs or you will not eat breakfast today."


With that, Carnius got up and dressed himself. He headed down the stairs to see Astein eating a piece of bread and an apple, and the owner of the Inn cleaning the countertops.


"Good morning young one, how was your sleep?" asked the High Elf

"It was well, until I was woken up." He said looking at Astein

"The world is much more enchanting in the morning, you should get used to getting up this early, for we will every day."

With that Carnius slammed his head to the countertop as he sat down and groaned.

"Would you like something to eat or not?" Astein said handing a loaf of bread to the boy

After the meal, Astein tipped the High Elf and went to leave.

"Oh, Astein, have you found any more of that wine yet?"

"Not yet, when I do I will be sure to take them to you at once, goodbye."

"Fare well you two."

And with that the two left the inn. The lake was illuminated around the bridge with a pink glow of the sun greeting the day. They walked towards the bridge to be greeted by a local fisherman.

"Hello Astein, how are you fairing these days?" The old man said

"Quite well, how's your leg?"

"It will be better now that I have the gold to visit a healer." he said with a chuckle

"Good day old man."

"Aye, good day."

After Astein and Carnius passed the old fisherman, Carnius turned to Astein.

"Who was he?"

"A man who collected scales for me from my last visit to the Imperial City. He injured he leg trying to acquire the scales, I felt quite bad for the old man and paid him extra for his troubles. Since then he has always been kind to me."

As the two walked the bridge, Carnius looked to the sky to see the White Gold Tower. From Bravil, he could always see it from a distance, but now that he was actually at the Imperial City he gazed at it dumbfounded.

"What are we here for again Master Wizard?"

"The Imperial Alchemy Symposium."

"All the Alchemists across Cyrodiil meet and discuss their recent findings. They also share their potions they made to drink. It is a yearly event, and I thought it would be a good opportunity for you to meet the alchemists and learn something about alchemy."

"When does the exciting stuff begin Master Wizard?"

Astein turned to Carnius and scolded him.

"Young apprentice, what is not exciting about learning the basics for Alchemy?"

"All Alchemy is, is mixing potions and gathering ingredients. When am I going to learn how to cast a fireball at someone? Or paralyze someone using nothing but magicka?"

"You will learn more after you learn Alchemy. If you run into a dungeon, blasting fireballs at everyone, but one manages to strike you down, or a vampire bites you? Alchemy can restore yourself and cure your body of afflictions. I wish to start with Alchemy, simply because Restoration is much too complicated for a beginning apprentice."

Carnius sighed
"Look boy, maybe Sinderion, or S'drassa will have a task for us to perform, that requires us to put ourselves into a more dangerous situation. There, are you satisfied?"

"Yes, I am." Carnius said with a smile

Astein shook his head and opened the door to The Main Ingredient to join in on the Symposium.

I don't have a whole lot to say, since I just skimmed it over. Watch out for this, because you've done it several times. In real-life speech there is usually a slight pause when addressing someone. So, in writing we must honor that pause with a comma. In this instance, there should be a comma in between "morning" and "young". Because right now it almost looks as if "morning" is an adjective, but of course we all know that it really isn't. Do you see what I mean?

It was good but the one flaw was when he calls his master "Stupid Wizard" the wizard probably would have backhanded him insteasd of just shrugging it off.

He not as stuck up as most people think wizards to be, so he didn't mind it as much. As for other wizard's, they would've.
-Good point though

Thank you again for the advice redsrock, you seem to be quite good well with correcting.

I like helping people.

A good thing, especially when you are good at it.
You writing anything?

Yeah, that story at TIL that no one seems to notice.

I'll check it out.