Oblivion Jokes : IV - Oblivion

» Sat May 28, 2011 3:38 am

My character tells extremely vulgar jokes that include passionate sixual innuendo and perversion.
:nod:

» Sat May 28, 2011 3:34 am

Theses aren't that good, but here goes anyway...

A mage walks down the street and turns into a bar. Cool trick, huh?

A Nord walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen.

How do you keep a (insert race here) from drowning?

Spoiler

Take your foot off of his/her head.

A smart Orc, a Griffin, a talking Wolf and a dumb Orc are sitting in a room. Which one is real?

Spoiler

The dumb Orc. Seriously, have you ever met a smart one?

Two Orcs are trying to get into their house after locking the key inside. The door is too strong for them to knock down, they can't cast Unlock on it, they don't have an Unlock scroll and they keep breaking lockpicks. It starts to rain rather severely and the younger Orc says "Hurry up! We've got to get in quickly! The windows are open!"

A Master Mage and his Apprentice are out camping. The Master is teaching his Apprentice both Philosophy and the importance of Reason. One night, the Master wakes the Apprentice and they have the following conversation:
Master: "Look up. Tell me what you see and what you deduce from it."
Apprentice: "I see a sky full of stars. I deduce from this that the universe is vast, wondrous and unknowable and that we are tiny and insignificant. That the Nine are truly Divine, powerful and wise and that we have much to learn if we are to be worthy in Their eyes. That the more we learn, the more questions we have. That our quest for knowledge is eternal. What do you deduce, Master?"
Master: "I deduce that you are more philosophical than reasoning."
Apprentice: "Why do you say that, Master?"
Master: "Because you missed the obvious, even though it's right in front of you. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

» Sat May 28, 2011 1:00 am

An Altmer, a Dunmer, a Bosmer, and an Orc were sailing on a small boat, when it sprang a leak. In a vain attempt to keep the vessel afloat, they threw their belongings overboard. When they noticed that wasn't helping, they realized they needed to take more drastic measures.

The Altmer exclaimed, "For Summerset Isle!" and leapt over the edge of the boat into the sea. The others caught on.

The Orc exclaimed, "For Orsinium!" and threw himself off the boat.

Then the Dunmer exclaimed, "For Morrowind!" and threw the Bosmer off the boat.

I laughed a lot.

» Fri May 27, 2011 9:30 pm

Okay...

A Dunmer alchemist is straightening up the shop when a Necromancer walks into the store.

"Can I help you?" the Dunmer asks politely.

The Necromancer sniffs, hesitates a moment, and replies,

"Well, judging by your smell, I'll just bet you can."

» Sat May 28, 2011 2:56 am

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in archery class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

» Sat May 28, 2011 2:14 am

Similarities? Their heads are big, green, and full of mush.

thats why i used Watermelon :wink_smile:

» Sat May 28, 2011 5:16 am

A warrior and a Mage have a few too many at the local tavern and each one claims to have more endurance than the other so they make a bet which one can hold his bladder the longest. After an hour they are both standing crosslegged until finaly the warrior bolts for the door. The mage turns to the Inn keeper and asks "Where can I empty my hood?"