Ghost man

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 1:17 am

Ghost man


3 years after the events after the lone wander activated the purifier he left when he picked up a distress signal on pip boy to the commonwealth 3 months passed still no word of when the wanderer will return, people took advantage and a raider group called the phantoms rose to power gaining 200 members. The phantoms were more organized more skilled they finely arranged to attack the citadel most of the brotherhood were killed but Lyons pride 8 scrolls and the elder managed to escape.

After the downfall of the brotherhood the phantoms took the citadel and the there leader Jack mason held a huge raid across the wasteland. Almost all the settlements were destroyed but rivet city closed there bridge the phantoms threw frags and bottles at the entrance but it was unharmed wile megaton was mostly destroyed and the survivors were turned into there slaves. Tenpeny tower put up a good fight but in the end a member of the gang used a missile launcher he found one the way there to destroy the towers corners making it fall to the ground the phantoms left no survivors. The phantoms left paradise falls as it is to by slaves. All the rest of the small settlements were destroyed all people that survived were ether slaves or hiding. Talon company fought them of there base and are at war.

The Phantoms and talon fight although the DC ruins at night you can see the fire and here the guns go off. Madison lee has made a force field from the left over materials when the enclave took the purifier. The phantoms have established a outpost at the purifier and shoot anyone on site. 5 months into the fight the phantoms lead a huge attack on the talons fort the leaders Jack mason killed the commander and lead a proposal to the talons that were still alive join them or die all of them join.

Today the phantoms control the capital wasteland and kill or enslave all wasters they see. A prewar ghoul named Ella darkheart has herd what has herd what happened to the capitol wasteland and has a idea what to do, You see she came from the backwoods of Louisiana and here family practiced voodoo and knew a spell that her family has had when they started had a enchantment to make almost unstoppable person all she needed a cloak and a ancient blade a grave and a necklace that was her family jewel. She took the things and found a burial mound with a cross made of wood on it that read RIP Alexander Richards she put the cloak and the necklace on the mound and read the book she watched as the skeleton infused with the cloak and the necklace [censored] around its neck. It soon stopped and took a deep breath

What how are you?

Alex how do you fell?

Then he remembered everything he was in megaton with his family when the phantoms attacked , his family escaped but he was shot wile they were running to springhale they buried his body in the very spot they were talking

I remember everything. He said in a shuddering voice. Why and how did you bring me back

I will tell you letter first you must take the life of a raider my child.

When she said that she herd a scream she looked over the hill and could see a raider chasing a woman

What luck here take this blade kill the raider with it and when you do put your necklace on his heart know go!

Alexander went to save the woman and kill the raider
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brandon frier
 
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Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2007 8:47 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 10:18 am

Not to be a jerk, but you need to work MAJORLY on your grammar and run-on sentences.


Other than that, the story is too repetitive.

Family gets killed by raiders. Blah blah, then its revenge, ooh, gattling laser, pew pew pew, kiss kiss, blah blah, yay, its the ending.


Its jut not my kind of fan fic.

3/5 to say the most.
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Samantha hulme
 
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Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 4:22 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 5:45 am

I gess you didint read my story that well he was the only one that was killed in the family the is not going to be eny romance and hes not doing it for revenge hes doing it for the people and alex only uses his blade
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LuBiE LoU
 
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Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 4:43 pm

Post » Fri May 27, 2011 7:26 pm

That still doesn't forgive your grammar and punctuation.


Sorry, its still a 3/5

Besides, how am I going to read a story if I can't read half of it.......... <_<
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BEl J
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 7:29 pm

Hey sorry im not a big Story maker but its not that bad people can still read it but whatever
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Patrick Gordon
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 9:05 pm

I gotta agree with Enclave here. You're grammar and lack of punctuation is pretty bad. You should work on that.

I didn't mind the story itself, but the ongoing sentences and grammar mistakes take away from it. If you worked on that, this should be pretty interesting.

I give it a 6/10. Don't stop, though! Keep writing.
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helen buchan
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 11:41 pm

Thanks acidus I cant get Microsoft word so i got to use this other thing thats constanley rong ill check over next time so stay tuned
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Catherine N
 
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 6:26 pm

Well, any version of Windows comes with WordPad. It's a simple text program. What I do when I write my stories is this...

I write the chapter or whatever into WordPad. I then copy it all and paste it into an Add Reply post on the forum. This forum has a spell-check similar to that of Microsoft Word. If you quickly read it over and edit any mistakes, you'll be surprised at how many errors you'll correct.
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{Richies Mommy}
 
Posts: 3398
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Post » Fri May 27, 2011 9:30 pm

Same as Enclave. 3/5. Everyone's bad at writing for a while, even me, Skippy. (Not to brag, but i'm kinda famous, wanna' see my golden mansion, personal night club, and double decker Limo? :P )


It involves the LW, so its, ehh....Everyone has a different Lone Wanderer. Horrible grammer and punctuation, and its really short. Youre spelling its...Not so good, but english isn't everyones first language, so I cant say anything like, 'lurn 2 spel', 'english, not l33tsp33k', ect. But what really angered me, was the lack of quotations.

Its also kind of....Very, very unrealistic. A ghost? Voodoo?

Plus its a generic story.

'OMG my wife has been brutally murdered by a powerful gang? I will hold this grudge, after being ressed from the grave, and train to be a ninja-like killer with the skills of Chuck Norris and the brutality and sadism of Buffalo Bill. I will use my awshum guns and big swords, to get my ruvenge, and never talk to anyone, except one person, possibly a small child. *Starts training*"....

Wait, did I just sum up the movie The Crow?
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Sxc-Mary
 
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Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 12:53 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 12:00 am

No ones reads not to be a jerk just no just geting clear HE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT DIEYED and he doeinent want revenge he wants to help other people so no one hast to experance death like he did plus i dont know like alot of things on the fourm ar unrealistic please no one argue with here i want to fix my mistakes so i can be as "cool" as every one else for haveing a legandry FF on the fourms
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OJY
 
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Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 3:11 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 1:26 am

I'm sorry..but this is just horrible.Voodoo?Ancient Blades?Skeletons?Someone who's ACTUAL last name is Blackheart?And how exactly did the talon company succeed in beating back the raiders and the B.O.S didn't?

Learn to type,I truly hope that English isn't your first language,because if it is,your pitiful.You say you want to fix your spelling so this can be an epic RP,but just good spelling wont help you.Just as a critical reviewer,I think that you should either scrap it or overhaul it completely.

Here are a few things that will make you a little better at this.

1.Punctuation,USE IT!
2.Please don't make things so unrealistic that it sounds like your writing about oblivion instead of fallout.
3.I cant understand the point of what your charicters say,because you don't use commas or periods to break it up.
4.Please run EVERYTHING through spell check before you post it.
5.I can tell your new.Start with just posting in other sections and reviewing other,better Fanfics before you try to create your own,so that you can avoid as many beginner mistakes as possible.

Hope it helps,and welcome to the forums.
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Albert Wesker
 
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Joined: Fri May 11, 2007 11:17 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 9:36 am

Someone who's ACTUAL last name is Blackheart?

It was Darkheart, but it's still cliche..

This story is horrible. Poor use of grammar and puncuation.. You use run on sentences and you dont capitalize things that should be, you don't use quotation marks in dialog, the story here is really lame, and it looks like a five year old wrote it. Just because this is a forum doesn't mean you shouldn't put work into a story.

3/10. Sorry, that's just criticism.
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JD bernal
 
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Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:10 am


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