Thanks guys, hopefully I should be writing up a new fan fic soon, I just have to finish my exams.

WOW man, Dont read the PM, or if you do, disregard it, it's not necessary. This was brilliant. You should really try contacting someone about publishing this
BEST FANFIC EVER

Okay, so... I normally only do in-depth reviews on request, but since this is finished, I feel I can let loose, as it were. Hope you don't mind the criticism, and I will be harsher than my last review now that everything is done.

Starting with the basics. I find your use of the mechanics to be rather odd. Your grammar and your spelling are both off in many cases, but in strange ways. For instance, most of your misspellings are actually words, just not the right words. I think you may have an issue with spell check, because otherwise I would really have to wonder how some of them occurred. Another issue is commas. After my previous review, you did indeed improve very much in that regard, but I've noticed it's still quite lacking in the dialogue in particular. Another issue grammar-wise, is that you don't do the dialogue correctly.

For instance: “I’ll tell you, if you answer my questions.” I replied.

This should be: “I’ll tell you, if you answer my questions,” I replied.

You always put a comma at the end of a sentence in dialogue if you plan on continuing after the speech is finished. That's a very common mistake among young writers. Moving on though, there are some other issues I have with your mechanics. Specifically, with the characters. I'm not quite sure what it is, but they seem rather stiff. That's probably because of the lack of commas in the right place, as that can break flow. So can overuse, but I can overlook that more easily since they're easy mistakes to make. I don't get much of a sense of emotion from the characters, but rather from the setting and miscellaneous writing. Which is good, because that's something a lot of writers struggle with, but again, I find it odd. It seems like you're going through the problems in reverse order of how you should. Most people have trouble establishing the advanced mechanics, and thus can't write anything of length. You, on the other hand, have no issue with advanced mechanics, but tend to putter out on the basics. It's quite odd, but I suppose no writer is the same.

You have a certain flavor to you for the use of drama, which again, is good. That's how I myself write, and it's nice to see someone else take that path. Most people these days write in satire, or overuse romance or action to the point where it's merely an annoyance, and the audience is going what the [censored]. Drama is good. Drama is balanced. It's both the easiest to write in, because of how simple it is to create, but also the hardest, because of how hard it is to maintain. And you do maintain it, so good for you.

Now then, on the issue of length. On this point, I am going to agree that this is the best fic on this forum right now. So many writers can't write anything of a decent length because they can't get down advanced mechanics. You do, and you have made something of length, which is excellent. I can't say that enough; it is truly, truly excellent that you can write so much. If I had to take wild guess, I'd place this at fifteen, maybe twenty thousand words. It's a bit hard to tell with the forum, as it messes up the length and form, but I'd say that's about right, give or take. Now, for a site like FF, where I write, that's the standard, but for this forum that's quite a bit, and again I applaud you for that.

Okay, moving on. The story is generally well written, with the characters being good, (But again, stiff.) and the plot being believable, if slightly convoluted to the untrained eye. I feel that there are several areas where you don't do a very good job with your descriptions, but it's enough for me. It might be a tad confusing, but I've had to make sense of far worse. Of course, at the very end you have a classic title drop. Very nice touch, and one I honestly didn't see coming as I'd always figured it had fallen out of practice here. I personally love that, as it can really make something come together, and I make a point of doing it in my writings, though not necessarily as the final word.

Now, I could go on a very long explanation of the characterization you've done here, but I'll spare you the torture and simply say it's a job well done. It could use some improvement, and you delved deep into a few clich?s, but avoided the majority of the ones I thought you would have, thus making it all better. So again, kudos on that.

I'll say this as well. I remember when you first came around these forums, which wasn't all that long ago, honestly. Your writing then was far, far worse than what I see now. You were one of those RPers I see come and go, and think: 'They're a dime a dozen.'

Well, Aussie, congratulations, because with this, you have solidified yourself in my book as a great writer, RP or not. You've progressed a long way, as have others who came around the same time you did, such as Francois. It would seem that my generation of writers in this forum, aside from a handful of people, have faded to dust on this board, which is sad. But, with writers like you replacing us, I feel that this forum does indeed have bright future after all. So cheers mate, have a good one, and congratulations on completing this.

Hoping to see more of your writing soon-

David

Thank you silver ninja, I pm'ed you back before I read this, sorry.

To Ambrose/David, I was really hoping for an in depth anolysis, I was even thinking about pm'ing you but I was a bit stand off'ish. Not at all do I mind the review, I applaud you for it. Commas and spelling don't come easy to me but I've really tried to improve. I use word but of coarse that doesn't pick everything up so I tend to not rely on it. I try to proof read my chapter before I post it but still little things will get away. From now on I will use dialogue correctly, I've never actually written anything before I came on to this forum so I only knew the basic writing skills.

With my characters, I know I tend to develop them in a strange way, in this case it was for a reason. My main character in the story felt as if he was lost in life, he didn't much confidence and he was in denial about what he was doing. This is why none of the other characters had real names. The only one that remotely meant anything to him was the captain, which is why I kept writing him as the captain but the character still didn't care enough to use his actual name. Throughout the fan fic I've tried to develop this. You learn the main characters name a few chapters in as he starts to develop and he begins to feel more emotion and more connected to the situation at hand, so he uses other people name.

Thank you for complementing on the drama, I really try to express the character and develop him using the drama that surrounds him. The fan fic is just under fifteen thousand words, I really try to maintain length in the chapters. I also like to take my time to write chapter, I take a couple of days to try and perfect one chapter, so again thank you.

The description is another thing that gets me, I know how to go into depth about it but I'm just not sure how much description is too much description. Thank you for mentioning the title drop at the end, the last chapter was by far my most worked on chapter, not that I didn't try my hardest in every other chapter, I really wanted to finish strong and make the ending different and unexpected. Thank you.

Thank you for the characterisation comment, I've tried to steer clear of major clich?s in my characters and I didn't mean for the characters to fit in the minor clich?s but I suppose that can always happen.

I'll address this last part as a whole. Thank you, it really means a lot that you've not only complemented me but you've also taken the time to write this and criticize my fan fic. I will always try improve my writing skills to become even better and I will take much from this. If you don't mind could I pm you about some thing to do with writing? If not that's fine. I just want to thank you again for this and I hope my next fan fic will be even better. I think I've addressed everything but if I haven't just post again or pm me.

Thanks,

Matt

I may never really write any stories or RP's in this Forum again... But I sure as well will read still, I'm bumping this because I want everyone to take a bit of time to set aside and read the whole story in one hit. I did it, and I'm glad of it, it got my mind of something really bad that just happened... Good work Matt, oh and thanks for that little comment about me David, hehe, I have to say this once again for everyone:

This is far, the best story, I've ever read, about Fallout 3.

It felt sort of weird reading this. I saw all the great comments about it on the last page while reading Francois' post, and thought this was going to be incredible. While I really liked it, I don't think I enjoyed it to the effect of everyone else. Maybe I missed something, or I'm just a generally negative person.

Good work.