Chip-Toss Dillinger: Catalyst

Post » Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:56 pm

Prelude



The rain poured heavily onto the streets of Boulder City, flooding the gutters and soaking the dirt. Ruined buildings lay in heaps all around, like tombstones in a cemetery. Broken down cars, trucks, and buses could be seen on the streets, collecting the water that fell from the gray heavens above. There was a flash of lightning, followed by thunder that shook through the broken down structures. The city was, without a doubt, devoid of all population on this gloomy day... or so it seemed.

As another crack of thunder blasted in the sky, a different sound could be heard amongst the splashes and dripping that the rain caused... the sound of glass crunching beneath someones feet. Abandoned though the streets seemed to be, there was indeed at least one traveler. He emerged from a nearby alley, turning the corner into the street and walking forward.

"Good evening people of Benny's Wasteland!" a man's voice could faintly be heard proclaiming throughout the streets, the static accompanying it being a clear indication that it was coming from a loud set of speakers somewhere in the city. "As I am sure many of you wonderful and beautiful listeners are well aware of it, it is pouring heaps of water out there! Now, I am sure many of you are screaming that the apocalypse is upon us seeing how rare of an occasion it is that this land receives rain, but I can assure each and every one of you that it is not of an acidic nature!"

The lone man continued to walk the street, his brown hair soaked. A brown bullet riddled trench coat was wrapped tightly around his body, with a dark red polo shirt and black pants worn below. The mans left hand was gripped tightly into a fist, while the right onto a crimson revolver. Forward he walked, down the rubble covered road.

"As rare as the weather is here, I am sure many of you listeners are unaware that we had a storm just about this bad about four years ago. It had rained hard enough to the point where a ditch below The Lucky 38 had filled up with six feet of water! Many of the folks whom were living in Benny's Wasteland at the time will probably remember that on the same week all that rain had fell, some poor chump did the same thing from a window in The Lucky 38. I didn't even know those things could shatter, but hey, someone found a way!"

His boots splashed against the puddles as he moved with determination, his green eyes looking to his destination: A large worn down factory building. Smoke tunnels could be seen rising toward the skies, pieces of them collapsed due to neglect. The gate to the factory was collapsed to the ground, pieces of the metal bars that held it together scattered about. The man walked forward still, his grip on the revolver tightening as he stepping into the factory courtyard, heading directly toward the ruined steps that lead to the inside.

"Rumor has it that Benny himself shot the falling man, but I wouldn't know. Now, onto some news. As I am sure many of you are aware of, there have been several recent shootings and massacres that have occurred throughout The Mojave in the past two weeks, all related to the notorious Red Fang Clan. This morning, it was confirmed by Benny himself that the Red Fang was completely eradicated by one of his officers. In one very swift move, the leadership of the clan had been completely wiped out in their very own headquarters, located in the Freeside district of Vegas. Further reports sent in to us from friends suggest that a large war band of the Red Fang had met its end three days ago, on the outskirts of Boulder City. More information to come to you as it is given to us."

The man was now striding down the dark halls of the factory, paying no attention to the voice that emit through the buildings intercom system. Though he was now in doors, the trickling of rain could still be heard through various cracks in the roof. The man soon found himself outside the office areas of the factory, instead now walking through a very industrial looking room. Candles were set on top boxes, assembly lines, and anything else they could be put on, providing illumination to the otherwise dark room. The man was taking note of the environment, acknowledging all the storage containers that were dotting the room, and mechanical assembly lines. Judging from the various weapon parts strewn about the floor, the factory had been used to produce weapons. From the hissing pipes that filled the room, the man was able to assume that their was still gas leaking through the building... albeit, very dangerously.

He was not here to inspect the building however, despite how much preferable that would be.

"And now without further ado, let's get to the music," the voice said from various speakers, even in this industrial workroom, "Ladies and gentlemen, I recommend you hold onto something. What you are about to witness is out of your world... seriously, I have never heard anything like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMoCbXIDJ7k&feature=related before."

The man came to a stop, the sound of boots running along metal emitting above him as the sounds of an organ began to echo throughout the massive workroom. His eyes shot up to a walkway in front of him. A loud click emit from somewhere in the room, and crimson lights suddenly flashed to life, revealing several men on the walkway; a dozen to be exact. Each of them held either some sort of rifle, or pistol. Sleeveless black leather armor was worn by the group, a purple scorpion tale painted onto the chest of the apparel.

"Hold your fire," a cold voice proclaimed from behind the row of armed men, the lone walkers green eyes narrowing as a new figure stepped into the middle of the group, setting his black-gloved hands onto the railing. Red-tinted eyes looked directly into the man's green, a look of amusemant visible on the owners face. Black, greasy hair swept down his head, matching the color of the cloak that was wrapped around his body. A moment passed, the green eyed man looking directly toward the red eyed, and the red eyed doing the same. "Daniel Dillinger," the man spoke once more, "You are either stupid for coming here, or suicidal. Perhaps both?"

"If I recall correctly," the green eyed responded calmly, tightening the grip on his pistol. "You wanted me to come here did you not? Your courier did not bode well after I put a bullet through his skull Vatris, just like I plan to do with you."

"If I recall correctly, your little girlfriend from five years ago spoke very similar words. Veronica was it? She didn't take well to Benny having me execute her little family in shining armor... but you are far to familiar with this story, considering you were one of the main characters. Funny is it not, how the events of that tale and the one we found ourselves in are overlapping one another again."

"You are wrong Vatris," Daniel growled, subtlety pulling the hammer of his revolver down as his eyes remained locked on those of his enemies. Smirks could be seen on the faces of Vatris' henchmen, a few chuckling. "The last time I found myself in a situation such as this, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into. As for your little statement about Veronica? Unlike you, she held a small semblance of faith and loyalty toward her family."

"Faith? Loyalty? What good are these things in a world where survival alone is key? They are about as worthless as the very concept of honor itself, Daniel! Truly you are not arrogant enough to believe that such things as a code exist, especially in times of conflict and strife? Even if they did, Caeser was not a man that upheld such things to his soldiers. He merely used these things as a method of control, which is all they have ever been!"

At this point, Daniel had tuned out the music playing throughout the room. He slowly raised his left fist, opening it to reveal a red colored poker chip, the number '38' etched into the center. He set his thumb underneath it, flipping the chip into the air and catching, than repeating the process.

"Caeser is not the family I am talking about," he responded calmly, keeping his eyes locked on Vatris no matter what. "Come now, Vatris. You surely would of figured out by now that Mr.House informed his agent of his heirs. One a man with great power in the New California Republic; one some sort of child that he apparently saw potential in... and than, there was the third. An agent in Caeser's Legion whom-"

"Whom he intended to groom, so that one day that said agent would be able to overthrow Caeser and take control of The Legion himself." Vatris raised his hands, clapping loudly. "Gentlemen, I feel we should congratulate Mr.Dillinger here for solving a mystery that not even the old geezer we were once the slaves of could put together!" A few cheers escaped the henchmen, accompanied by cackles. Vatris raised his hand, the henchmen going silent almost immediately. "So tell me Daniel. Why are you here? Even though Kardos and his men were able to kill most of Benny's thugs that I had brought along, you surely know that The Heretics are not a force to be trifled with, do you not?"

"I'm just here to conclude a story that should have been finished a long time ago," Daniel responded, catching the chip one final time before pocketing it into his trench coat. His left hand stayed within, one clearly able to see that it was still in a grip. "So tell me, Vatris. Why do you continue to be his lapdog? Clearly you have goals that go beyond New Vegas, something that Benny seems to be content with having. What use is an alliance with him to you at this point?"

"Are you honestly daft enough to believe that this is an appropriate time for conversation, Daniel?" growled Vatris, "The fact of the matter is that no matter how much I tell you, you will still be nothing more than a memory by the time this hour is over... but, if you must truly know. My plans extend far beyond Benny, yes, however I still have minor use of the fool, or rather, the information in that tower that he resides in. House's plan was to have four heirs to his empire in the event that he died, however thanks to yourself and Benny, he was never able to insure that the plan worked. He gave each of us, including yourself, some sort of key that would give the holder complete and total control over every single ounce of technology that House ever made, either with his own hands, or that of his company."

Daniel's eyes narrowed as he thought of the poker chip he had been flipping for a moment. House had indeed given it to him a few months after the two had met one another, but never hinted toward it having any purpose beyond sentimentality.

"So you intend to hunt down the other heirs and take said keys from them," inquired Daniel, the grip in his pocket getting visibly tighter with that of the revolver he held. "Than what? Use an army of machines to take over the wasteland? You are as cliche of a villain as they come, Vatris."

"Villain? No Daniel, I am no villain, merely a man that has seen to deep into the abyss to simply ignore it. The fact of the matter is that humanity needs something to control it. It always has! Even before The Great War occurred, societies were ruled by old fools whom were drowning in their greed, and those fools ruled by the idea of some divine being hovering above us all. If I am to live in a world where men choose to be controlled, than I intend to be the one that holds the power! I refuse to live a slave Daniel... just like you. If not for our little past, you and could of perhaps have been the greatest of allies that this forsaken world has ever seen."

"Funny." A smirk formed on Daniel's face. "Benny said something very similar the day he shot me out of the Lucky 38. Doesn't that little fact disgust you Vatris? The one that you know to be true, no matter how much you wish it was. The one that makes you loathe how alone you truly are in this world, despite how much you wished otherwise."

Vatris eyes narrowed, a look of hatred replacing the smirk on his face. "What fact?"

"No matter how many times you fight them, kill them, or nearly die by their hands... our enemies know us better than our friends ever will. They even seem to pay more attention to us. Face it Vatris! You and I are just two fellas doomed to never stop thinking about each other, until one of us drops. You say that you want to remove House's heirs out of some idea that you wish to control society? Bull. The fact of the matter is, you don't want anyone to know you better than you know yourself... because that makes you vulnerable, does it not? If House has raised these other two heirs anything like himself, than that means that one they find out who you are, they will be quick to pick up on everything that makes you weak."

The henchmen seemed to tense up, Daniel catching a tiny glimpse of sweat on their foreheads thanks to the light bouncing from it. Vatris hands tightened upon the railing of the walkway as he grit his teeth, hesitating for a moment.

"My motives don't matter, Daniel," he growled. "All that matters is that you have reached the twilight of your life. You say that you are here to conclude a story? Than by all means, let me aid you in that endeavor! I will make you that you are reunited with that harlet of yours very soon... though I wonder. Will you die the same way she did? Whimpering in a pool of your own blood as I stand before you? Look at you Daniel!" Vatris henchmen lowered their weapons, a nervous look forming on their faces as they looked at one another, than their leader.

"The reason you have chased me into this place that shall become your tomb is because you are a damn dog, clouded with self righteous ideas that killing me would make your world correct.. and yet, how do you intend to do so when you stand alone? Your little friend, Bard, certainly won't be able to protect you anymore considering how I put that half-wit to the blade! And what of the old man that followed you? He seems to have let go of the leash that was wrapped around your neck, allowing you to chase after me like a rabid hungering beast! YOU CHASE ME LIKE A DOG DANIEL? I WILL PUT YOU DOWN AS ONE, JUST LIKE THAT B!TCH THAT SERVED AS YOUR M-"

Daniel heard enough. Before Vatris could finish his speech, Daniel pulled his left hand from his pocket. Gripped in it was not a poker chip, but a grenade triggered by the push of a button. While Vatris' henchmen raised their weapons to fire, Daniel pressed the button and flung the explosive directly toward the walkway! Several gunshots echoed through the room as Daniel bolted toward the nearest assembly line, poorly aimed bullets slamming near his feet and into the crates that surrounded. He reached the assembly line, vaulting over it. Just as Daniel landed, a loud explosion could be heard near where he had just been standing, followed by several frantic shouts and screams of pain, along with the sound of metal slamming heavily against the floor.

Daniel raised his head over the assembly line, seeing at least half of Vatris' henchmen collapsed on the floor. Four others were recovered from the fall, stumbling around. Without hesitation, Daniel raised his revolver and gripped it in both hands, firing three shots each into two of the four!

"He's reloading," one of the remaining two shouted, raising his rifle toward Daniel as the other searched the floor for any weapon that hadn't been damaged by the blast. A loud gunshot rang through the room, the unarmed henchmen looking up... just in time to see his companion collapse on the floor, blood trickling from the front and back of his head.

"Now I'm reloading," Daniel muttered to himself, rising from the assembly line and dashing directly toward a nearby stairway.

"Over here!" the unarmed henchmen could be heard shouting as Daniel made his way up the metal stair, loud clanking echoing from them. "He's going up the stairs! Shoot him!" Daniel could hear footsteps against the floor behind him, followed by several gunshots. Metal around him sparked as the bullets barely missed, Daniel lowering his head as he slid a hand into his trench coat pockets, pulling out an ammo-circle. He reached the top of the stairs, now on another walkway that hung over the room... and still being shot at.

"Don't just shoot you morons," one of the henchmen shouted as Daniel ducked behind a nearby crate, reloading his weapon. "Aim!"

"As you wish," Daniel growled, rising and pointing his weapon toward the group... and than, something caught his eye. He had failed to notice the several large shipping containers that hung over the room, being held very poorly by chains attached to the roof. It was a miracle that they had not snapped due to the rust... or perhaps it was just his damn luck that always kicked in at the worst of times? The bullets that blasted against the crate Daniel had been hiding behind indicated that he would have to think the chances of such a thing happening later. He quickly raised his revolver, aiming toward one of the chains and firing several shots. The sound of sliding metal told Daniel that one of the bullets had hit, and sure enough, the unsupported weight caused the rest of the chains to snap, and the shipping container to fall directly toward the group.

Right before the container slammed into them, a suddenly stinging pain burst from the left side of Daniel's chest. He felt winded as he collapsed on his back with a loud grunt, the sound of slamming metal occurring from where Daniel had been before confirming the kill for him. For a few moments, he simply lay their, the absence of music telling him that the intercom had either been destroyed, or shut off in the middle of the fire fight. Warm blood began to trickle from the bullet that had slammed into his chest, Daniel sliding a hand against it and putting as much pressure as he could. He rose to his feet, panting heavily as he glanced around the dark room, slowly walking across the walkway toward another set of stairs.

"...Vatris," he growled, gripping tightly onto his revolver as he looked toward the floor below, his shadow in the center of the crimson light that illuminated the room . "Where the hell are you?" With no more ammo to reload with, Daniel was without a weapon... but Vatris could not be allowed to walk away. Not after everything he had done to him. Suddenly, Daniel saw a shadow swoop directly against his own. Instinct kicked in and he turned around, back peddling just in time to avoid what could have been a very fatal slash from the sword that Vatris gripped in both of his hands. The blade sliced across Daniel's upper torso, blood flicking toward the floor below them as Vatris pulled it back for another swing.

"Right here!" he shouted, slashing toward Daniel again. Daniel barely jumped back in time, letting out a loud pain filled grunt as Vatris blade slammed into the railing of the walkway. Vatris began to slash consistently, moving forward as Daniel moved back. Sparks would emit from the railing each time the blade slammed against them, an indication of how close Daniel was to dying. Vatris pulled his blade back raising it high in the air for a downward slash. Daniel did not back up this time, instead gripping tightly onto the railing with his left hand and pulling with all of his strength. Just as Vatris swung the blade down for a killing stroke, Daniel ripped a piece of the railing from its holdings, slamming it against Vatris blade with all his might!

CLANG! Sparks emit from the two pieces of metal as they slid against each other, Daniel's newly acquired weapon matching Vatris in length. The two stumbled back from the force of their blows, Daniel panting heavily as he pulled his other hand from the bullet wound and gripped onto the pole tightly with both hands, Vatris adjusting his footing as the two eyed each other for a moment.

"I must admit," Vatris growled, a smirk forming on his lips. "You are by far the most persistent of my foes. First you take a bullet in the head, followed by shooting your way out of Fortification Hill with Benny. Than he blast you out of the Lucky 38, making you fall a height that no normal man would survive... only for you to land in a over-sized puzzle. Now here you are, once again surviving off every little thing you can manage to cling to."

Daniel couldn't help but chuckle lightly, slowly stepping back as he kept himself ready for an attack from Vatris. "What can I say?" he responded calmly, continuing to breathe heavily. "You name me the Green Eyed Tiger? Cats have nine lives Vatris."

"Than I guess I will end the ones that remain!" Vatris lunged forward, slamming his blade toward Daniel in full force. Daniel barely had time to raise his pole in defense, the blade smashing against it! The two stumbled back from one another once more, but this time Daniel did not wait for Vatris. He stepped toward his foe, swinging the iron pole directly toward the side of his waist. The hit connected, Vatris letting out a loud cry of pain as he stumbled against the railing! Daniel swung again, this time toward the back. Another cry was all the indication he needed to know he hit the mark, along with the sight of his pole snapping where Vatris blade had slammed into it.

With no weapon to hit him with, and strength rapidly depleting, Daniel immediately bolted across the walkway, heading toward the nearest exit to the room he could find. He pulled his trench coat off as he turned the corner, entering a stairway and dashing upward. A hand went to the bullet wound, the blood making his red shirt redder. Without warning, the radio speakers kicked on throughout the building once more and began to play a slow, beautiful tune, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTlWQSeSN3M

He could feel his blood vessels pumping against his neck, his heart pounding against his chest. Up the stairs he ran, until he reached the top. Pushing his way through a door, Daniel burst into a room with several pipes jutting out of the roof and walls and into various machines. A loud hissing could be heard from within, and a light headed sensation began to flow through Daniel as he came to a stop before a window, panting heavily. He collapsed on a knee, grunting in pain as he looked out the rain-drop covered window.

Boulder City was below, its ruined buildings and water covered streets dotting the landscape for about a mile. Far in the distance, to the northwest, Daniel could see a very faint glimmer of lights that he knew belonged to the city of New Vegas, where Benny was likely having a very warm meal around this time while Daniel was stuck in his situation. The hissing of the pipes continued, and Daniel could feel weakness continue to kick in. If he was to die here, at least one more smoke would be nice.

"And so this is where your story ends," the voice of Vatris growled from behind, Daniel turning his head to see his foe standing at the end of the room, gripping his blade tightly in one hand. "On the third floor of a weapons factory, bleeding in a pool of your own blood... just like Veronica." He slowly began to step forward, dragging his blade across the floor. "Will you whimper like she did Daniel? Will you beg for mercy? Will you ask me to stop?"

Daniel could only grunt, sliding a hand into his pants pocket and pulling from it... a box of cigarettes. He slid from them one smoke, sliding it into his mouth as Vatris came six feet away from him.

"Let a man have a smoke?" he asked, his voice weak and full of pain. Dropping the box, Daniel slid his hand into his pocket once more just as Vatris lunged toward him, swinging a hand against Daniel's head and gripping onto it tightly as he slammed it against the window, a crack forming in the glass. Thunder boomed outside, muffling out Daniel's painful grunt as Vatris leaned his face forward.

"Always the joker, even to your last breathe?" Vatris growled, a sadistic smile forming on his face as he set the tip of his sword to Daniel's right arm. "How does it feel Daniel, to know that all your struggle was meaningless? To know that all those people whom I tortured and killed, such as Boone and your little girlfriend, will have died for nothing? To know that soon, you will be nothing?"

Daniel slowly slid his hand from his pocket, setting a lighter with the symbol of the Enclave near his cigarette and pressing his thumb against the wheel, a small flame igniting from the lighter and burning his smoke. Inhaling deeply, Daniel felt even more light headed than he had upon entering the room.

"Answer me!" Vatris roared, slamming Daniel's head against the glass again! The cigarette fell from his mouth, Daniel coughing loudly for a few moments. He lifted his head, looking Vatris directly in the eyes.

"What can I say?" Daniel gripped onto the lighter tightly, the fire still burning from it. The sound of hissing from the pipes began to stand out for some reason, along with his lightheaded feeling... and than, it occurred to Daniel why he suddenly wanted a smoke. All expression left his face as he kept his eyes locked on Vatris, a look of determination igniting in them. "Other than... its been a blast." He suddenly swung the lighter past Vatris, letting go of it. For a brief moment, everything seemed to slow down, Daniel getting a very good look at the shocked expression that replaced the look of glee on Vatris face.

Suddenly, the room grew burning hot. In three seconds, Vatris had let go of Daniel and slammed his own body against the window with all of his strength, shattering through the glass and causing Daniel to fall out with him. As he felt the familiar rush of air and heard the howling wind against his ears, Daniel could not help but feel very nostalgic. Memories began to flash through his mind.

"Regarding your comment on my friends, I can assure you this much," House said, much irritation resonating with each word, "I have more then friends, Mr.Dillinger. You could say I have a... very closely knit family of sorts."

The cold rain pelted his body as he fell, pieces of glass drifting around him. From the way he was angled, Daniel could not see Vatris at all.

"While Mr.House is focused on making Vegas independent, and Benny is finding it very important to take over," Veronica said to Daniel, looking away from the distant Hoover Dam. "I find that the most important thing in this world is to protect friends and family. The Brotherhood of Steel... a certain girl I once knew, until we were separated by duty... Boone... and perhaps most importantly, you. These are what I find to be important, and I intend to keep full focus on."

Daniel slowly began to rotate in midair, getting a good look at the flooded streets of Boulder City.

"After you and I are done with him," Benny said with confidence, "We will be the ones leading the families. We call the shots, we make the moves, and the people look up to us. They will call me Father Benny, and you... eh, we'll get you a name kid. Just remember that from this point on, despite the whole shooting you in the head scenario, we are brothers."

Vision was beginning to fade from him, and his hearing was not doing much better.

Benny holstered Maria, sighing as he began to walk toward Daniel. "And to think, we had been through so much." He pulled Daniel up by the collar with ease, the two staring at each other as the rain dripped from Benny's head onto Daniel's. "Goodbye... brother."

? Daniel felt himself be thrown over the ledge. His body tilted back as his blood covered hand pulled itself from the wounds. His grip on the pistol remained even as his vision began to fade. And then... a warm feeling swept through Daniel's body as he felt his breathing fade.


Daniel closed his eyes, reliving that last memory. Knowing that in a few seconds, his body would be hitting the ground, Daniel began to feel something he had never felt before... peace. One final memory swam through Daniel's head.

"What this wasteland needs isn't some big super weapon," Veronica muttered, looking out the window of the Lucky 38. "We don't need a damn hero, nor do we need anyone to play king. I think if anything, all this place really needs to become better is just a little love and kindness. Generosity. Empathy. The things that separate us from the cannibalistic savages that live no more than a mile from where we are right now Daniel. Love... to love is to live."

And than... just as it had before, Daniel's body was swept with a great warmness, and he felt his breathing completely fade.
User avatar
Kelvin
 
Posts: 3405
Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:22 am

Post » Sun Jun 17, 2012 4:03 pm

Wow... what a ride. The final confrontation, when Daniel threw the lighter into the gas fumes... when time slowed down, I could very well visualize that whole scene. It's also interesting that it's raining in the Mojave and that Daniel's life has come full circle. I really like the flash backs as he's falling. What a sad ending though.

I have one gripe though:

"Come now, Vatris. You surely would of figured out by now that Mr.House informed his agent of his heirs.

It's HAVE... would have. LOL Sorry, this is a huge pet peeve of mine! :wink:

"Whom he intended to groom, so that one day that said agent would be able to overthrow Caeser and take control of The Legion himself." Vatris raised his hands, clapping loudly. "Gentlemen, I feel we should congratulate Mr.Dillinger here for solving a mystery that not even the old geezer we were once the slaves of could put together!"

The whole "old geezer" sentence doesn't make much sense. Also that OF is again a HAVE... is there a comma missing or something?

Also, your youtube channel link is broken.

Oh and I totally dig your musical choices there! :) Btw. what you mean - Prelude? Sounds like the Courier is dead... o.0 LOL :)
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Jerry Cox
 
Posts: 3409
Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:21 pm

Post » Sun Jun 17, 2012 7:41 am

Welcome Back Blackhand!


I must say, this is quite a prelude. Very intriguing, full of mystery and references to your last story, and very interesting read.

Now, so that I may assist you in become an even greater writer then you already are, here are a couple of minor mistakes I found while I read.

If House has raised these other two heirs anything like himself, than that means that one they find out who you are, they will be quick to pick up on everything that makes you weak."

The "One" was most likely supposed to be "Once".

"The reason you have chased me into this place that shall become your tomb is because you are a damn dog, clouded with self righteous ideas that killing me would make your world correct..

Incorrect sentence structure; kind of a fragment. Doesn't really sound right when you say it out loud. Try..

"The reason you have chased me here, into the place that will become your tomb, is because you are a damned dog, clouded with self righteous ideas that killing me would make the world correct,"


Daniel raised his head over the assembly line, seeing at least half of Vatris' henchmen collapsed on the floor. Four others were recovered from the fall, stumbling around. Without hesitation, Daniel raised his revolver and gripped it in both hands, firing three shots each into two of the four!

Just as Vatris swung the blade down for a killing stroke, Daniel ripped a piece of the railing from its holdings, slamming it against Vatris blade with all his might!

I'm not sure if you meant to do this, but commonly exclamation marks aren't used outside of speech. A simple period would have worked just as well; but its your writing style, so do what you want with these. :wink:


All in all, I didn't find many mistakes. It was quite a good read, and I'll be keeping a close eye on it in the future. Nice work.
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Robyn Howlett
 
Posts: 3332
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 9:01 pm

Post » Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:31 am

Thank you for the welcome back Drop_Dead. It is nice to be back to work again! You both put out some good critics, and I noticed a couple other typos I should of probably caught, so thank you for the feeback. Tis always appreciated.

One tiny thing I'll point out about my writing is that at times, the characters may speak with incorrect grammar. This is usually done intentionally to simply represent a way of speech that they have, even if their wording tends to be rather.... atrocious. Other than that, everything else is fair game.

This is a story I have been planning out for some time now, so who knows? Maybe I'll get this one finished. Either way, hope you folks look forward to reading it as much as I am writing it.
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xx_Jess_xx
 
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Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 12:01 pm


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