Constructive criticism is welcome. This is my first fan fiction of anything. Ever.
---
"Until that day, you must be patient. Hide in your caves, in your ruined forts, in your secret lairs. Raise your minions, summon your servants, cast your spells. Answer the call of the Order when you are needed. Watch and listen." -Necromancer's Moon

Inn of Ill Omen, 26 Rain's Hand 3E 433

A man in grey robes sat at the counter. He was a Breton. His hair was black and his face was pale and gaunt. His dissatisfied expression seemed as though it were built into his face; chiseled there, long ago. Manheim, the innkeeper, approached him from behind the counter "Can I interest you in a drink? Ale, beer, mead?"

The robed man lifted his head up, but did not make eye contact, opting only to peer at the counter before him. "No" he responded "An apple is fine. Just an apple," Manheim grinned "An apple it is, then," As Manheim walked over to the cupboard, a young man approached from the table nearby. "Hello, are you Varil Nenmor?" he asked. "Yes, that's me," The robed man responded.

The young man sat down next to him. "I've read most of your books. The ones I could find, anyway. I think you have some really interesting ideas about Necromancy," A chill could be felt throughout the room at the mention of Necromancy. The Imperial Legion Forester, who'd been sitting in the corner this whole time, walked out immediately. Mannheim, slightly unnerved, came back with the apple "That'll be two Septims,"

Varil accepted his apple, and handed Mannheim his money. "I have to go clean one of the basemant rooms," Mannheim stated, heading towards the trapdoor. Varil took a bite of his apple. Crisp, but somehow bland. It must have been in that cupboard a little too long. "So, what do you want from me?" he inquired, turning to face the young man beside him. "My name is Olindor. I was an Apprentice in the Mages Guild, almost a Journeyman, when I started reading up on Necromancy. With Traven just about to become Arch-Magister, I decided to quit the Mages Guild," The young man answered enthusiasticly.

Varil put the apple away and headed for the door. "I have somewhere to be. I was just stopping here."

Olindor exclaimed "Me too! I live in Leyawiin. I was on my way to Echo Cave when I bought a room here. Could I please come with you?" Varil stepped outside, and started heading north on the Green Road. It was cold, and humid. The sky was shrouded in the thick gloom of darkening clouds. The trees, unmoving and indifferent; branches lingering overhead, taunted passers by.

"I think it will seem a little odd for me to show up with some random Altmer guy. You have no idea what you are getting in to," Varil responded, looking ahead.

Olindor rushed to catch up with him. "But I do! I've researched everything Necromancy extensively! I have one of your books right here..." As Olindor began to rummage through his things, Varil reached over and hit him with a Touch Paralysis Spell. Olindor fell stiffly to the ground. "This is for the best. It'll wear off when I'm a few miles ahead,"

+++

County Cheydinhal, near the foot of the Jerall Mountains, 23 Rain's Hand 3E 433

A Redguard in full steel armor, armed with a Dwarven shortsword, stood inside a small wooden house where the floorboards creaked with every step. His name was Nolan Ringham. He was a resourceful and confident member of the Fighter's Guild, though notoriously arrogant and stubborn at times.

The air within the building was stale; paintings representing several of the Nine Divines adorned the walls. A former Priest of Arkay sat in a small, wooden chair before Nolan. "You asked for the best we had, so I'm here," Nolan announced, proudly.

The former Priest of Arkay, an aging Imperial man, looked up into Nolan's eyes. "You seem pretty sure of yourself. I hope you can live up to it," he said rather plainly.

Nolan responded, a stern tone to his voice "I can."

"Good. I need you to deal with something for me. I fear there is a threat to society, involving Necromancy. I need you to deal with it for me. The details are in this envelope." Nolan accepted the envelope from the man and immediately headed out the door. The sky was much clearer, and the air much warmer, than it would be three days later.

Can I just say, this sounds A LOT like what I've just started writing. Two Necromancers joining the Cult, and a warrior going to see someone important for the same reason as mine. You also put the date just like I did, same layout. I can't start throwing accusations, but try and make yours unique, mkay?

Anyway, enough of the nastiness. It's a good opening, but I would have thought a Necromancer-to-be would keep his intentions hidden, because they arn't the most popular people in the world and there are assassins lying about.

There aren't two Necromancers joining the Cult. There's one who was interested in it until he discovered he could accompany Varil to wherever he was going.




I wouldn't call the old guy important. You have no idea what Nolan is meant to do. Your guy is working for the Empire, stopping someone from achieving Lichdom.



He probably should have, but he doesn't think that way.



So I did. I also put the location.



It is not the same layout. Of course there are similarities, but there are quite a few key differences.



Thanks for the review.

I meant the layout in the date

Nevertheless, those minor nitpickies don't change that our respectives stories could end up going down the exact same plotline.

But I'm probably being paranoid of competition!

Continue, this is a good story. Ignore my previous accusations, you arn't a copycat.

Thank you very much. I was paranoid when planning this, myself. As far as my work is concerned, I've always had something of an obsession with being original. That's why this is my first fan fiction (as opposed to just fiction).

Similarly, I've always been really into any mention of Necromancy in anything. There wasn't anything I would have rather written about.

Oh lord... He put the date like you did? The same idea you said you gained from reading Rumple's story? Who probably gained it from any one of a thousand fantasy novels that do the same thing?



:poke: there is no competition. This is a forum for people to share their ideas, so others can gain enjoyment. It isn't you versus anyone, it's everybody sharing and helping each other. Should really call this the TES Fan Fiction Peace and Love Forum :hugs:

Anyway, enough of that

It is interesting that two new stories have appeared on similar topics, though Necromancy is always a popular subject. It's the air of mystery that surrounds it I think. Seems to give more scope for ideas. The other similarity of course, is that both look really quite promising.

This story has two intriguing opening scenes, but they were both very short. So short, that to be honest I'm not comfortable really saying much about them yet. It was almost like a snapshot of the characters, and now I'm waiting to find out more about them.

So keep writing so I can find out more

p.s. One piece of advice. You want your opening to grab attention. A description of a character is very static. Try to find more subtle ways of including descriptions if you can, rather than just statements.

Thanks for the review!

Edit: You've probably also noticed that my username is named after my character, so I've had this general idea for some time.

Pretty good, especially since Necromancy is my favorite branch of magick (i'll live forever dammit!) and I always like to see people's take on it as its rather obscure when in the games. On to the story!

Like stated before, it is a brief opening, and while it describes the characters (I'm guessing these two will be the main characters?) I'm not to terribly drawn into it yet. But maybe later, eh?

For the dialogue, you have to start a new paragraph every time someone new starts talking! I had to reread the first two paragraphs a half dozen times before I could properly work out who was talking. Nothing big, it just creates a lot of confusion when two or more characters are speaking in the same paragraph (unless you severely overuse "said").

THis next one isn't so much of a mechanics error, but it bothers me the most:



I hate when the game mechanics are brought into play in fan fictions. As writers, we (not that I'm much of one ) should be able to better describe the spell which he uses without using the in game name for it which sounds so..... bland. Something like:

"Varil reached over, touching the elf with his hand with a surge of energy, and watching as he fell to the ground, motionless and unable to move."

Or something to that extent (I know that wasn't very good, but I'm just giving an example ). In short, we should be able to tell the Elf has been paralyzed without actually naming the spell, and you shouldn't have to say "Touch Spell" but just by describing the action, it should tell us he used a touch spell.

The first parts of each section, where you describe both characters, seem very choppy as though you tried to describe everything aesthetic about both of them in three sentences. Especially this one:



It seems very choppy, and sudden, and you don't have to tell us what race he is right of the hop. Tell us later, or drop hints so we can figure it out, maybe describing him better and saying, "He could've have been a Breyon, or a rather pale Imperial" or something like that, ya know?

You didn't reveal much of the plot to us, only that one guys a Necromancer, going somewhere (Echo Cave?) and that a Redguard Fighters Guild memeber with a bad [censored] attitude has been told by some Priets to stop the Necromancer because he is a threat to people or some such. Hope you will spice this up

Of course you can completely ignore my post and go on about your life and write the story however damn well you want, cause in the end, you write for yourself!

That never sunk in for some reason.



I just wanted to be specific. It'll look like I took your advice when I write about a certain blade's enchantment effect in the next chapter, but I've already written that part.



A few details about each, the rest to be seen through events in the story. "Choppy"? Interesting. The flow feels very natural to me.


I've seen people do that. It bothered me for some reason.



You assume the Nolan is going after Varil.

Thank you for the review.

To each his (or her) own!

Looking forwards to the next chapter!!

That is a resoundingly [censored]an statement. You are basically saying, "Don't assume i give a [censored] about what you said, I'm far too good and i already knew about it."

Varil, you know what you should read? It'll help you with describing how spells are cast in your fan-fic.

It's called the http://www.imperial-library.info/fsg/fc4article01.shtml. It helped me a lot.

That review was posted while I was writing the next chapter. I wanted to clear that up in advance because I realized what that would look like. It's not as though I consciously thought "Hey, I specifically named that spell effect last time. Won't I be so clever to describe one more subtly?" In the context of someone speaking it instead of it being directly described I decided to do it this way.



No part of this makes any sense whatsoever when I only just said in my story, only a few hours ago,

BladeMaster, I'm sorry if you took it that way.


Thanks, Veneficus, I may look at that sometime.

It didn't need to be said at all. You don't need to go out of your way to tell somebody that you did not heed their advice.

I don't care what way you took it or said it. My advice is simply my opinion, one of thousands out there, and one of thousands you can choose to ignore in your lifetime.

That Like Lord V. gave you is quite useful. Very interesting and could possibly help you with this obviously magicka based story.

Be sure to pay attention to the dates and locations. This story is told out of order. I hope it doesn't bother you for a story to jump from scene to scene as quickly as this one is right now.

Edit: You could think of this story like a puzzle, with each relatively short fragment being a different piece. Some fit, others don't.
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High Rock, the wilderness near Wayrest, 5 First Seed 3E 405

A nineteen year old Varil stood before three robed men and women. The sky was a deep, entrancing black. The moon shone bright, and full. The man in the middle stepped forward. "You've done very well thus far. The King of Worms is most pleased,"

Varil's face lacked an expression. "Good. I wouldn't want to disappoint him,"

The man spoke once more "You're long due for a reward, and I understand it's your birthday?"

Varil responded "Yes. Nothing significant,"

The man asked. "And I understand you no longer have a family to be concerned with?"

Varil answered "That's correct."

The man nodded "Good, good. Your skills will be needed in Cyrodiil before long. Your transportation has already been arranged for."

"And the reward you spoke of?" Varil inquired.

"Yes, yes," the man rummaged through a bag, and pulled out a dagger, seemingly formed from bone, and handed it to Varil.

"I'm not familiar with this. What is it?" Varil asked.

The man spoke once more "We call it the Boneblade. It was made with the remaining fragments from which our lord forged the Bloodworm Helm. It's edge repels the Undead, should they become hostile to you,"

Varil stowed it away in his own robes and began to follow the three Necromancers "Appreciated,"

"You'll be accompanied by Celedaen and Folnarre. We expect you to watch over them," The only woman among them stated.

+++

Imperial City, The Merchants Inn, 24 Rain's Hand 3E 433

Velus Hosidius backed into the wall behind him. "I don't know anything about that. This is not the time nor the place to be asking about that sort of thing. I won't have that spoken about in my Inn,"

Nolan sheathed his sword, sighing. "If it scares you so much you should want to tell me what you know. It's exactly that sort of thing that I'm trying to put a stop to. Do you really not know anything?"

Velus calmed down and approached the counter. "No, I don't,"

Nolan turned around and headed for the door. "I may need a room here later," he shouted back behind him.

Nolan went next door, into A Fighting Chance. Immediately after stepping inside, he unsheathed his sword and approached Rohssan, the shop's proprietor, and rather loudly asked "Are you aware of any Necromancer activity in the area?"

+++

Near the Inn of Ill Omen, 26 Rain's Hand 3E 433

Olindor got to his feet, and brushed himself off. He picked up his things, and sighed. He continued north along the Green Road. With any luck, he would come across Varil. He reached the Red Ring Road, and made his way to what was appropriately named Old Bridge. Bandits rushed from out of nowhere to attack him. Olindor was startled, backing away immediately. He reached into the air, and his form appeared to be consumed by a burst of green energy.

He walked past the bandits unseen.

+++

Imperial City, Elven Gardens District, 26 Rain's Hand 3E 433

Folnarre was finishing his dinner. He was in a very lonely situation, rarely leaving his house for fear that he would be attacked, when a knock came at the door. He opened it slowly and peered out past it.

"Varil!" he exclaimed. "Please, come in! Come in!"

Varil stepped inside. "He wasn't in Blackwood."

"Who?" Folnarre asked, still overjoyed at the arrival of this visitor.

"Celedaen. I think he moved further North, but I wanted to see if you had learned anything." Varil responded.

Folnarre shook his head "Oh, no."

Varil shrugged "If I can't find him myself I know other means of dealing with him." Varil took out the Boneblade and handed it to Folnarre. "Here, I'm leaving this with you."

"Why?" Folnarre asked, a quizzical look on his face.

"If something happens to me I don't want the enemy to get their hands on this." Varil stepped outside ubruptly, heading toward the city's exit. He bumped into a Redgaurd man, literally, and both kept going on their merry way without a word spoken by one to the other.

Varil burst through the large double doors on the city's wall, and made his way across the bridge over Lake Rumare.

+++
County Cheydinhal, near the foot of the Jerall Mountains, 23 Rain's Hand 3E 433

Nolan stopped and sat down at the foot of the tree, opening the letter the old man had given him.

Esteemed Fighters Guild Member,

I need you to kill a Necromancer named Folnarre, living somewhere in Imperial City. It may seem very unlike someone who reveres Arkay as I do to promote someone's slaughter, if you are familiar with our teachings, but this Necromancer is a particularly dangerous individual. Kill him, and return to me for furthor instructions.