The entire point of this is to practice my writing, so please, criticize with no mercy! Criticize everything, be it writing style, spelling, grammar, lore, storyline, everything.

Chapter One

Seyda Neen Census and Excise Office, 8th Day of Sun's Height, 415 3E, Early Morning

"Next!" bellowed a young Breton in a light blue robe. Feslin took another step forward. I've been here for less than five minutes and the tension is already making me nervous... he thought. Legionnaires and Ordinators alike watched the line of immigrants, the two groups very actively keeping their distance from one another. The Dunmer in front of Feslin turned to him and spoke, "This is nice, it's the first day of settlement and no one trusts anyone. The foundation of a grand society, undoubtedly.", he finished with a chuckle.

Another Dunmer leaned forward and whispered, "It's great that we mainlanders can finally settle in Vvanderfell, but if you ask me the outlanders shouldn't have been invited. There's going to be trouble." The other Dunmer just nodded in agreement. Feslin noticed one of the Legionnaires staring, his hand squeezing the hilt of his sword, clearly wary of the whispering. Stepping to the left a little, Feslin was trying to distance himself from the other Dunmer. He didn't need this kind of attention.

After a few minutes of waiting and several calls of "Next!", Feslin was finally the one to step up to the Census and Excise scribe.

After glancing at Feslin several times, probably writing down his physical attributes, the Breton spoke quickly, eager to finish for the day, "Name?"

"Feslin Arvas."

"Why have you come to Vvanderfell, Mr. Arvas?"

"I've come to share the teachings of the Nine Divines with the locals and newcomers alike."

The scribe smiled. "A noble task." Feslin returned the smile. The Dunmer behind him growled.

After a few more questions Feslin was directed to the next line. There, a Temple scribe was asking similar questions. When Feslin spoke of his "noble task" the scribe glared. The Ordinator next to the scribe took a step towards Feslin, clearly in an attempt to be intimidating. After finishing the questions a second time Feslin left the office. He was now free to roam the land he'd been free to roam no longer than over a week ago. Even though he knew the purpose, the irony of his situation still amused him. He had literally left Vvanderfell for the purpose of returning.

He took at good look at the port town of Seyda Neen. As of now it consisted of the newly-built Census and Excise office he had just left, an Imperial storage room next to it, and a whole lot of tents. Immigrants, merchants (mainly Ashlanders selling something of use), Ordinators, and Legionnaires all wandered the camp. Between the yelling, singing, and crying the noise was almost unbearable. Cliffracers circled over head, anytime they got close to the ground they'd get poked at with something sharp.

"Hey, you, mainlander." came a voice. Feslin turned, his eyes landing on an aging ashlander with a pack guar. "Wanna buy a tent?" Feslin began reaching for his coin pouch. "Forty septims."

Feslin stopped. "Forty septims? Are you joking?"

"I make the tents I make the prices. Forty septims."

Feslin took a look around the camp. No other tent vendors around, and he didn't want to waste time looking. He might lose a potential target. "By the Nine..." he muttered, pulling the coins out of the pouch and dropping them into the Ashlander's hands.

The Ashlander took the compact tent off of the guar's back and handed it to Feslin. "Good luck with your visit." the he said, grinning, before walking off. N'wah was Feslin's mental reply.

He saw a man with a tonsure and a brown robe speaking to a number of outlanders, reading out of a book. Perfect.

Wellwritten. I liked it

Pretty good, I like the setting of the first settlers in Vvardenfell. If you don't mind my pointing out a few things

Spelling and Grammar:


Change it to Feslin was finally the one to step up to, or Feslin was finally stepping up to, or It was finally Feslin's turn to step up to, etc. As it is it doesn't make any sense.

After glancing at Fesling several times

probably writing down his physical attributes (features), the Breton spoke quickly.

He took a good look at

It's spelled Vvardenfell. Other than that, no other errors.


Flow and Word Choice: It's alright. Not really special, but it doesn't distract me from the story. Nothing specific, I'm afraid.

Plot: You take a certain period of time we are generally familiar of the outcome of, the settling of Vvardenfell, and follow one character. A sure fire method of plot that has yet to fail. Once more, it isn't really awe inspiring, but we don't know much except the general outline yet. I'm sure there will be a few events to distract us from what would otherwise be a tedious story. All in all, I'll wait on plot for now

Over all: I must tell you, it really is rather average. Nothing really good or bad stands out, so you'll have to make that up with either plot or very good character development. Because as it is your character is still alien, the intro didn't quite do its job of introducing us. Just follow all the rules for novels and you'll do fine. There is nothing really wrong, but it can get better. A neutral story

Thanks for writing, and good job so far. Keep it up, wow us with what remains :goodjob:

Oh, and that doesn't count Holy

Thank's for the review Darkom. I had no clue my spelling and grammar were that bad. I was a little lazy when I was going over it, I suppose.

As for the plot, my apologies for how boring it is. It's actually a background on the character I thought up not to long ago for an RP (as I'm sure you noticed considering that you're in the same RP). I'm going to take a bit more time thinking of the next chapter, so hopefully there's a bit more bite to it.

Again, thank you.