This is my first fictional story so all comments are welcome, good, bad, doesn't matter. and if there are any flaws, i would appreciate it if you could give me some pointers. thanks =D



Chapter One: The Forgotten Hero

"Lord Lucifer!" a man cried out, stumbling into the Nordic general's chambers. "Yes, what news have you? By the gods, what happened?!" The General was shocked at the gruesome sight, the man which stood in front of him was wounded beyond belief. his left eye was missing, his armor red from the loss of blood, and arrows covered the poor man's body. "Sir... the empire... I was discovered... they're headed here..... ughh....." With that said, the messenger had died. "Dead... they must be close if he could make it here in this condition." Lucifer smirked, he had not had the luxury of battle in a very long time and this, he felt, was a chance to prove his worth once more.

Lucifer was born in a cavern unknown to most others, his mother was a smuggler and his father a vampire. His mother was a victim of [censored] while plundering a tomb of who she thought was a noble... unfortunately that noble had still lived as a vampire, thus Lucifer was born. Half human, Half vampire, he was shunned his whole life and was cast out of his damp, dark home by his mothers party of smugglers, bandits, and murderers. Soon after, his mother was killed for spawning a demon. Lucifer had long white hair and piercing gray eyes, his facial features were considered a bit feminine but otherwise powerful. He grew up with travelers, beggars, and thieves until one day he was forced to join the military. While at first seeing him as a monster, the Nords later came to rely on his strength, cunning, and good use of strategy, thus he rose through the ranks.

"Prepare for battle, the enemy approaches." he said to a soldier as he was leaving his chambers. "I want all troops fully suited and prepared in ten minutes! If you are not prepared then you will be among those who stand on the front line!" Lucifer's voice was powerful and struck fear in those who were against him, but provided encouragement for those who stood with him. Ten minutes had passed and everyone was fully prepared and properly positioned. The Nords had the advantage because their fort was positioned on top of a large hill, they had the high ground. Some time passed with no signs of the enemy, until finally a horn sounded. Lucifer signaled the archers to ready their bows, and the sound of creaking wood soon followed. Next, the sound of hooves were approaching, so Lucifer signaled the spear men to take front line. Then, the first cavalry was spotted coming around the small hill in front of them.

Eager, Lucifer's troops drew their swords ready to lay waste to anyone who opposes them. The cavalry drew closer and closer with each passing second until they were just a few yards away, then the battle started, no terms, no talk, just fight. The spear men lifted their spears and the enemy cavalry came crashing into them. Sounds of horses wailing in anguish pervaded the air, and Lucifer felt the adrenaline pumping. The spear men dropped their spears and unsheathed their akaviri katanas, awaiting orders to advance. Lucifer, watching carefully through dirt and dust, waited for the next wave of cavalry to approach, and when they were close enough he gave the order to fire. Arrows blackened the sky, and anyone in their path was shown no mercy. The cavalry had ended, but the infantry was soon to show itself.

Some time passed and the men were anxious to fight. Finally, the infantry rushed around the hill, it seemed almost endless. Lucifer gave the order to fire again and again until the enemy was close enough to fight. He then ordered his troops to charge. Hacking and slashing, screaming and wallowing, it was like music to Lucifer's ears and he soon joined the battle. Thrusting, slashing, dodging blade and axe alike, he seemed almost invincible. The fight went for hours with no rest, no breaks, and his men as well as the enemy grew tired... but Lucifer was still going strong, and the weariness of the enemy only made it easier for him to kill off anyone in his path until everyone was dead. The enemy halted it's advance and set up camp, and Lucifer's troops went to rest as well. The next morning had arrived and the fight was on once again, and the process repeated over a course of a week with considerable casualties on both sides.

Finally, the last of the enemy was standing before the Nords, and both sides were eager to get this over with. Once again, both sides engaged in battle and both sides were taking a large sum of casualties. "How is this happening? I've never lost this many troops... They lack strategy so surely there has to be some sort of magic behind this." Lucifer was bewildered until finally he saw him...
the warrior who was doing so much damage to Lucifer's numbers. He was wearing no armor, only loose clothes, and he was wielding a jet black sword. When both sides had no troops left, the only thing that stood between Lucifer and a hollow victory was this warrior....

"You're a considerable warrior, i have to give you that.... I've seen none like you, nor have I seen a sword quite so dark. Before I kill you, I must know your name, who are you strange warrior?" Lucifer smirked and the unknown warrior looked up with these piercing blue eyes hidden behind his long dark brown hair. "I have no name, I live by my sword... I've slaughtered legions, my hands have both burned villages and put out the flames. I've destroyed lives but I've also repaired lives... Are you the one? Can you bring me happiness in death? never have i been matched in battle but you... you're different. you share a similar curse..." the unknown warrior was soft spoken, but still somehow intimidating. "I may be able to grant that wish, but first i want your name..." Lucifer grew cautious for he has never fought someone so skilled... "Hmph, my name.... Is Umbra. The name of my sword, the name.... of my curse...." "Very well, let us do battle..."

Lucifer came at Umbra with exceptional skill and speed, and Umbra did the same with Lucifer. This Personal war went for for hours with not even a scratch on either one of the two Warriors. Cold steel met cold steel and it soon came down to who's will was stronger. As people from the hilltop fort watched, the battle waged on. a day had passed and still no scratch until finally, Lucifer's sword gave in and shattered. Immediately afterward, Lucifer was impaled by the jet black sword known as Umbra. "ARGGHHHH!! You.... No......" Lucifer cried out in pain, astonished that he had met his match in battle.... As Umbra removed his sword from Lucifer's stomach, the people of the hilltop fort gasped as Lucifer fell over in a pool of his own blood. As he lied there, he watched as reinforcements from the imperial army stormed the fort until finally, he lost consciousness.

A month had passed and Lucifer finally awoke in an infirmary back in his homeland of Skyrim. As he awoke, he was not greeted, there was no "welcome back" or "how do you feel," he was simply awake and pushed out of the infirmary. As he walked through town, people gave him glares of hatred, scorn, glares that made him feel unwelcome... finally, a peasant threw a tomato at him and yelled, "TRAITOR!!!!" Lucifer was taken aback by this, and other comments soon followed. "Monster!!!! you killed my Husband!!!" "My son was among those who died at that fort, why didn't you protect him!!!!" "crawl back into your hole Vampiric hellspawn!!!!" Lucifer had realized that with the loss of the fort, he had become a forgotten hero....

Hmmm...I like this. Very nice, the month long battle pushed it a little, but only a little. Lucifer has caught my eye, but I still don't know whether or not you mean the Tsaesci to be snake-like or not.

it was before the serpants took over and ate everyone lol. as for the month long battle, i agree, after reading it it seems a little far fetched lol. thanks for pointing that out.

Didn't The sword "Umbra" Steal souls? How is it Lucifer stil lives? But Good start on the story.

it did, but where would umbra find to time to recharge it after slaughtering so many people?

Good point. Just for the sake of a laugh or two, what was that censored word? was it [censored] or [censored]?

it was [censored].... lol, [censored] with a d at the end.

Huh, let me try spelling it....

[censored] [censored] raqes

[censored] Rapist raqer

they need to fix that lol.

The censor is abit oddhowever it does not matter because people understand what you are saying alll the same.

true lol.

Super off topic, lawl

Chapter Two: The Beginning

"How could i have lost? Who was that man? 'Umbra...'" Lucifer pondered endlessly in the ill tended tavern room in his hometown. For days he did not eat, he did not sleep, but instead he thought enough for a lifetime. "That blade... Umbra.... so black, so dark, could it be the source of such power, such skill?" He kept thinking until his thoughts were disturbed by an obnoxious rapping at his bedroom door. At first, he ignored the rapping and tried to focus more on his thoughts, but after time it became exceedingly irritating forcing him to answer, however before he could get up from his bed, the door came crashing in. "You're time is up, we're here to finish what the legion started you gutless pig!" The voice was muffled due to heavy masks the three men were wearing. In response to the the strange man's words, Lucifer looked up with a smile and replied, "You can try...."

With this being said, the three men lunged at Lucifer with simple iron daggers in this extremely closed space. Lucifer managed to take the first man's weapon with a simple series of hand-to-hand maneuvers, thus turning the man's own weapon against him. One by one, the three men attacked and one by one the three men dropped dead almost as quickly as they attacked. Curious as to who these men were, Lucifer bent down and took off their masks. "No.... It can't be!" The men were from the very same town and almost immediately after he took off their masks, the innkeeper came running up the stairs.

"What the blazes is going on up--" The innkeeper paused staring at this horrific sight. "These men... My dear friends, all of them.... You.... YOU...... MURDERER!!!!" The innkeeper quickly ran downstairs for help and Lucifer knew that this was the breaking point for Skyrim. He grabbed his gear, his sword, his clothes but before he could grab his armor the guards were already in the tavern. Lucifer had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and the city guard were already rushing up the stairs. "You!! Stay where you are you traitorous scum!! You're under arrest and sentenced to death!! What do you have to say for yourself...?" The guard looked at Lucifer with intense eyes, ready to strike at any moment. "What do i have to say for myself? I WAS ATTACKED! these men attacked me I mean--" Lucifer was cut off. "No, lies, treason, TRAITOR!!!" the guards attacked and Lucifer dodged, not wanting to harm them.

Lucifer ran outside and stole one of the guards' horses, from there on he fled the town hoping no arrows would come in contact with him. Knowing Nordic guards are no fools when it comes to combat, Lucifer abandoned the horse and darted towards a wooded area where he could hide in one of the trees until the guard passed. Hoof beats were drawing closer as he made his way deeper into the forest, and when the they were near, he climbed a tree. "He couldn't gotten far, he left his horse behind!" Finally, the town guard had passed and Lucifer climbed back down and started south, where he could make his way into Cyrodiil.

"Umbra... I'll find you and when i do, you're life will be a most pleasurable trophy as well as your sword." Lucifer was obsessed with finding this man who called himself "Umbra" so in his mind, if he could find the imperial army, he would find Umbra and thats where he planned to go was the heart of the empire.... The Imperial Palace.

Nicely done again Lucifer!

Well written with an intersting story and an intriguing character... I think I just found my new favorite Fanfic!

Chapter Three: The Mysterious Stranger


Three days had passed since Lucifer's skirmish with the guards. The forest was filled with snow, the air was dry, And Lucifer had lost his sense of direction. "Which way is south," He continuously thought to himself. "My rations, I am almost out..." Realizing this, Lucifer felt a chill come up along his spine. "I've no arrows, no bow. What am I to hunt with?"

Night grew ever closer, and the air colder, Lucifer knew that if he could not come up with a way to hunt for food, he was done for and Umbra will have certainly won this fight of will. Growing tired, Lucifer leaned up against a tree and slowly fell asleep. "Get out! You and your son are nothing but filth! I should have known he was a vampiric... MONSTER, when his wounds healed from the gash that board gave to him! It was inhuman! MONSTROUS! You no longer have a place here. " "PLEASE! We have nowhere else to go, what do you expect us to do?!" "I don't care what you do, just get out!"

"Get up. I said get up you fool!" Lucifer awoke to see a man in black robes with a black hood standing above him. "You looked like you were having an awful dream..." Lucifer drew his sword and slammed the man against the very tree he was sleeping against and held the blade to the man's throat. "Who are you?" Lucifer asked the man. "My name is none of your concern. Just know that we have watched you since birth, and that you and I share a common trait." "What trait? Who the hell are you?!" Lucifer pressed his blade further against the man's throat. "You and I have both spilled innocent blood, my friend. As has the whole family. I am from the Dark Brotherhood, and I seek to offer you an invitation into our family... If you're interested." Lucifer stared into the man's eyes with his cold, fearsome glare. After a moment, he lowered his sword. "What kind of 'family?'" At this question, the man smirked and replied, " A dark family. We are assassins, my friend. We are the shadows which people fear, we are the darkness that lies within your heart... We are unbiased in our assassinations, and we are the unholy fires which cleanse the world of peace." Lucifer became intrigued, he knew that he had no other choice but to accept if he wished to live and fulfill his goal.

Lucifer looked up at the man and asked, "You know what I am, do you not?" The man laughed. "Yes, you are half vampire, your father was a vampire. Your father served with us... He was a great asset to our family. So we had decided to watch you since your birth. I, too, share the same curse as you." Lucifer smiled. "Then you have nothing to fear of me, count me in." "Not yet, my boy... There is an... initiation, if you will. Two miles east of this very spot," The man pointed to the east, "there is a cave which harbors a traitor to our family. Go there, find him, and kill him. If you are truly interested in joining us, that is the key." "So by providing this man's demise, I will be allowed into your 'family?'" The man replied, "Yes, when the deed is done, I'll contact you."

The man had disappeared into nothingness. "The only way I can achieve my goal is through this family... I suppose I have no choice." Lucifer started east, it would take him about an hour to walk to his target. The distance meant nothing to him, although his thoughts had centered on that man for the time being, that mysterious stranger.

Well, you certainly have dusted off an old fan fiction. Well, the comments looked good, let's read, shall we?

First chapter: Hmm... the grammar strikes me first, as does the word choice. Not bad, but it could be better. However, that comes with time and practice, and I shant admonish anyone further for it.

Next, the lore is a bit off. Besides the fact that the Tsaeci are snake people with golden scales, no legs, and are all vampires anyway, the idea that a single fight could go on for days is ridiculous. If nothing else, your vampire would be exposed to too much sunlight.

Also, you hardly detail the combat. While the beginning is detailed, the battle itself seems more of a telling of facts. A legend or folklore more than a story. A common problem; be more extensive in your work.

Next, I must say, he is rather uber, but it works in a strange way. Perhaps it is the fact that he is shunned by his own people, and labelled a traitor.

Well, the plot seems fairly straight forward so far, and your character is still flat, but let us read on

Chapter Two: Once more, the first thing I find problem with is the combat... It is simply a telling of events, not really as good as it could be. As opposed to the fully worked out dialogue, it contrasts noticeably. Also, I once more notice your lore is incorrect. Akavir is an island nation thousands of miles away from Tamriel. The few records of attacks had to have been month long voyages by sea. Perhaps you could fix all this lore with a simple change from Tsaeci and Akavir to Nords in Skyrim?

Chapter Three: Ah, well done dream, if a little sudden, and without any visuals... Then we see a Dark Brotherhood speaker, a well used plot device, but good nonetheless. You seem to have improve your writing in the past year ^_^

Regardless, any further advice would be repetetive. Mostly I find issue with your rather abrupt writing. It leads to very short, and honestly, uninteresting chapters. The plot is good, a half vampire goes hunting after Umbra after losing to him in battle and fleeing his home. Tone down your character, make him from Skyrim or something similar, and slow down your writing to provide more description. I wouldn't be able to tell you if his hometown was made of wood, stone, or mushrooms.

Well, glad to have you back. I like the idea, if nothing else. Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:


Of course, it is what I have been labelled as doing here And no need to call me sir, I am but a simple highschooler. (Sorry if my avatar confused you, that is Isaac)

Thank you. To be honest... I hardly know anything of Akavir, but I'd read somewhere that the war between Akavir and Tamriel happened before the snake people ate the humans. I can't remember where I'd seen it...

So, by "tone down the character", I'm assuming that you mean start bringing up his flaws?... I'm making him as much like myself as I can. However, I can add a bit of a twist to it.

I'll take the Skyrim idea under advisemant, It seems to make more sense.

as for the combat and slowing down, I believe I can do that. The reasons I write, erm, type so fast is because this computer isn't my own, it's my sister's. Usually, she's always on it...

Thank you for your advice, kind sir =)