Four days past, and no more references to Narsiym in the texts Carstein scanned over. The condition outside the Palace District was worsening. The infected had become completely controlled by the worms now. Some have hideous mutations, such as spikes, horn, hands turning into talons, spontaneous combustion.

"Well, Ocato, what is our situation with "food" for me.. I haven't fed in a day, my bottles ran out yesterday. I hunger, Ocato."

"Carstein what you feed on is up to you. But please, nobody important," said Ocato regretfully. They would have to sacrifice if they wanted to achieve victory over this foul plague.

"Thank you, Chancellor. I will leave for that later tonight."

Ocato stood and left the vampire's quarters, leaving Mannfred to ponder his thoughts.
+++
Alvex was thrown onto the ground, his bag wrenched off his head. "Please don't kill me! I'm just a messenger!"

"Who's the new refugees, Otun? And why the devil did you bring a bandit?" asked a motherly Breton lady.

"This is Gro'Fal Mas," said one of the Redguards from earlier, pointing at the Orc. "Refugee number hundred fifteen."

"Welcome to Camp Alfitz," said the Breton, sweeping her arms out, about fifty or sixty tents filling a large span of forest.

"Please let me go.. I'm only fifteen!" screamed Alvex, kicking his legs out and squirming on the floor, trying to get out of the knots that his kidnappers had tied on him.

"Let the wretch go, he's only a boy," said the Breton, reaching down to untie him. The Orc and the Redguards snorted in distaste and walked away to their tents.

Alvex scurried away in the dirt, desperately trying to get back to the City to report to Ocato. It had been days since the incident, about four, thought Meveil.

It would be another one before he made it back to the Imperial City and get his paycheck.

It's good to see a Vampire Counts player here. They're my second choice of army (Empire FTW)

As for your story: Each part is rather short, and they are very dialouge heavy. You could try adding in some esoteric information, or describe how a person feels in more detail. My advice is just make it longer.

Haha I don't play the boardgame . I just love reading the books and lore xD.

Ocato coughed, wet residue left on his sleeve. He wiped it off onto his side and kept walking. They had started killing the infected about a day ago, and a day ago was when the attacks started. Wall upon wall of mutated half dead drones had assaulted the gate to the Palace District.

"Ohh this is a disaster.." sighed the Altmer, continuing his stride across the creaking bridge.

The uninfected had set up bridges so the clean people could get across the disease districts, such as the Market District and the Waterfront, which was surrounded by the remnants of the Imperial Legion. Refugees had fled to Bruma and Chorrol, some to Kvatch where repairs were still being made after the Oblivion crisis. The ones seeking vengeance joined one of the many "Camps" which all vow someday to reclaim the Imperial City from the clutches of the disease.

"Lord Ocato, we have arrived at the Talos Plaza District."

"Egh, I'm not sure if I want to see Currux in this state. He was a good friend, and a great General."

"Lord Ocato, Currux must be salvaged if he hasn't contracted the plague," said the Guard, looking at his master.

"You are correct, of course, sir.. Eh..?"

"I am Peliguem Garmendus, at your service, Lord."

"Ah, well, it is good to meet you, Peliguem," replied Ocato, who turned around and begin to climb down one of the many ladders set up to allow access to the disease Districts. Many-a mutant looked up at the Chancellor, but he was much too far from the rotting civilians to be harmed.

He slid down onto Currux's townhouse building, and hopped off the roof to the ground. Several mutants turned his way, braying madly, some squealing through mangled beaks that looked utterly wrong.

"Away, vile beasts!" shouted the Chancellor, whipping out his longsword as a monster rushed at him. He kept it at a length, hacking and slashing instead of lunging forward. He gave up, the mutant's determination and dreadful armament of claws and scythe-twisted arms was too much even for the experienced High Elf. He opened the door to the house and slid through, slamming it in the mandible-covered face of a mutant.

Ocato made it through the building without incident, and finally arrived at Currux's office. "Gods be damned," said the Chancellor when he opened the door to see Currux gone.

Shluurp.

The Chancellor whirled around too late, his sword raised in a block a second after the claw cut through the muscle and veins in his neck, snapping the vertebrae in two. Ocato's head fell to the floor, quickly followed by his body.

Whoa nice one! I didn't see that coming!

Yeah I'm going to try to progress the story a little bit more than I have been.

Currux licked his lips, his mandibles crackling and chewing at air. The blood from Ocato's decapitated body sprayed around violently, the Plague Drake's head covered in the crimson liquid.

"Ahh. Deh unk Altma ts'ae esh manigtah," murmured the Avatar of Narsiym. Thud. Thud. Thud.

It was no doubt the remnant of Ocato's guard trying to see what was taking the Chancellor so long. Currux had something in store for them, something vile.

The Plague Drake stretched his wings, several half-limbs ending in spikes twitched in anticipation. The Drake raced down the stairs, the front door not ten feet away.

The door snapped in half making a cacophony of noise, and bringing half the lower wall section down with it. "Daah mon keigh!" screeched the Avatar, twelve spikes protruding from the Drake and spearing the Guard with their pointy ends.

The bodies dangled, impaled and unconscious, on the hooks and scythes.

Vomit and bile spewed from the Plague Drake's maw, engulfing the soldiers in the excretion.

"Dah mon keigh aech tha Narsiym ichlred!" it bellowed, the warriors on the Drake's appendages already beginning to mutate, Narsiym's children were stronger now, and able to achieve feats of agility and strength they couldn't otherwise do. The living changed over to the infected beasts within minutes. Several horns began to grow from the soldiers' heads and other body areas, the protrusions making the men seem like demons from another realm, both terrifying and horrendous, this sight would break a lesser man.

Flapping its gigantic wings, the Plague Drake rose into the air.

Yep another good 'un . I really like the descriptions of everything, makes me able to picture everything going on. Keep doin' what ya doin' :goodjob:

The doors to the dusty vampire's quarters burst open, a frightened messenger entering. "Lo-lord Carstein.." gasped the boy, his grimy appearance startling the old vampire.

"What is so important you must charge into my private chamber?"

"Ocato... Ocato was slain by Currux!" he shouted.

"Currux? General Currux?" asked the curious von Carstein, his ears pricked up.

"General Currux is some kind of monster! It's [censored] huge!" the boy once again shouted.

"Ocato is.. Dead? My bonds are finally gone! I'm free gods be damned! I'm free from my imprisonment! Haha!" screamed the joyful Carstein, scaring the messenger.

The boy backed up a little, an arm held above his head.

"Pack my things, wretch! You are coming with me to Tower Carstein, and make all haste with my items!" demanded Mannfred, glaring at the messenger with blazing red eyes.

"Uhh y-y-yes.. Sir.." stammered the boy before picking up the vampire's belongings and packing them into his cases and bags.

"Now I can study this blasted disease at my leisure. And this.. Currux monster, intriguing. I will study him on a later date. But for now, let us hurry to the tower!"

The boy said nothing, only continued packing.

Well, as per request, I have showed up once again. Seven pages of reading later, here are a few of my thoughts:

Chapter 1 (Post 45 and 49)- The orc's profession seems kind of trivial, you should consider talking about what happened after the last chapter fizzled out. Next, it is spelled orc, and other grammar aside, you don't have to misspell the dialogue for the orc in the group that took the messenger so terribly. We get it, he's stupid, but you're kind of over-doing it.

Shouldn't Carstien be concerned that his messenger isn't back yet? Even if he doesn't care, he should be angry he never showed up and at least mention it. Did you use people's user names as authors of your books?

More grammar issues, but I'll skip over those. Like I said, if you could cover exactly what happened after the end of the last chapter, it would be better.


Chapter Two (51 and 54)- I would advise you put more of Carstien's thoughts about the plague in. He seems more concerned over his food than his work, and even if he is selfish, he should be thinking about it, being the protagonist. And fifteen? That's a little young, even for a messenger.

Is no one concerned that the entire city is dying? Everyone seems rather... unaffected. This messenger cares more about his paycheck than his recent kidnapping, and where is this camp? You never describe it at all; I am left with a Breton woman, a gang of kidnappers, and a teenage Dunmer floating in the middle of nowhere.

In the next little bit, you explain more of the camps, which is good, and address what is happening in the city, which is also good. However, you could press the current events a little more. Why isn't a guard fighting for Ocato? Shouldn't he have a whole platoon? They let him go inside alone?! They are very poor guards, now aren't they


Chapter Three (57 and 59)- Well, they exist at least, but they stayed outside. Good use of narration to explain what happened, even if it tells a little too much. The word choice is a bit iffy, but otherwise fine.

He leaves the city, excellent, just like him. Nice use of character, his personality is strangely lovable.


Well, the grammar isn't terrible, but it isn't great either, so fix that up. The plot is moving along nicely, even if a little quickly. Use more thought and emotion when writing, and it will show improvement, I promise. Word choice and flow is better, but it still has a ways to go. All in all, rather nice. The use of mystery has diminished, but I would still like to know what happened after post 37.

Thanks for writing, and keep it up. I read stories for plot, and this one definitely has it :goodjob:

Why would a grumpy old vampire give a flying fudge about a simple messenger? . The messenger's job was over, and all he had to do was get back to collect the paycheck.

About the Orc.. I thought I would just explain what the Orc did just for the hell of it, tiny details like that can sometimes make a story good. But I'll change it as I do agree it is a little redundant.

They are of course concerned, but it has been about a week or two since it first began, I know my sense of time flow is horrendous, but it'll have to do <_<

The messenger has nothing else in his life atm but a paycheck to get, that's all he wants and all he needs to buy his next skooma fix.

The guards were outside, protecting his rear and making sure none of the mutants made it into the building.

I think 54 and 57 are my favorite two chapters, and I thought the dialogue was really good for the Elder Scrolls universe.

About the camps, I wanted to have a little bit of mystery there, I'll try and clean this fanfic up so it's more understandable.

Also, post 45 has what happened after the incident in the medical chamber.

Yes, I know that's what happened after, but you never explain their reactions to the weird presence and voice from nowhere. The only sign he even ever heard it is his searching of the name nad a passing thought about it being powerful. He never sits and ponders it. Once again, we are left without any inner dialogue or emotion. And you never really explain that the messenger is out of his job, the paycheck thing sounds like he is just getting his septims for the week and will return later.


EDIT: I figured that, but without writing it it's useless. And the boy's situation is not really clear either. If I'm having questions, then so is the reader. But instead of posting his questions, he might just stop reading. Hence why I mentioned it

He isn't out of his job, he's just a random boy hired as a messenger to deliver a message, and to collect the payment when he returns. Their reaction was holy [censored] we have to find out what Narsiym is.

Closed by request.