I decided to start a 1st-person series about a drug dealer. I wrote this spontaneously, without brainstorming or anything, so I apologize if it's a little rusty.

Book One
Chapter One: A Bad Business

Section 1: You Just Can't Get The Good Stuff Anymore

The paper wrapping folded back easily, the white powder now visible. A bead of sweat rolled down my forehead, and I swished my hand through the material. A fine quality, I had to admit, but not what I had been hoping for. "Declined," I said coldly and sharply, the guards on either side of me walking forwards to escort the sellers out of my office.

"What?! This is the finest in all the land!" exclaimed a desperate Altmer, eyes red with fear and anguish.

"I said. Declined. Use force if necessary, Tarvitz," I snapped, leaving my guards to deal with the High Elf woman and her Dunmer companions.

"Thank the Gods," I sighed as the sellers decided to go peacefully.

"Sir, might I suggest lowering the bar? That was a good batch."

"Tarvitz, I hired you for one thing and one thing only. And that is to be my guard. Economical matters of mine are none of your concern. Any further questions?" I said, looking at each of the guards. Saul Tarvitz was a good man, only trying to help, but in this business you had to be cold and harsh, because that's the only way you can get things done.

"No, sir. It was merely a suggestion," he said humbly, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"If anything happens, I'll be at Orelly's.. I need a drink," I said, leaving my guards at the office.

Orelly's Bar and Breakfast was my favorite place to go, whether it be on business matters or simply to eat and drink. It was slightly expensive for an Under-Town operation, but it sold only the most exquisite brandies and foodstuffs.

"Hey Orelly," I called as I pushed aside the rickety, maggot-infested double doors to the shop.

"Ahh, Tarick. If it isn't my favorite customer," said the old Nord, scratching his white, scruffy beard. Several of the occupants turned to look at me, I recognized several of them.

There was Mr. Galensturm over in the right corner of a bar, in his usual position with his head half-wresting on his hand, sipping wine through his "special straw", and observing the other people inside the bar. Then there was Mr. Telem Faurus, who was a buyer and had done a great many deals with me. He was a great man, and always offered a good price. His face wasn't visible, but I was sure he was aware of my presence. A gorgeous, young waitress stopped by me, and I was dumbfounded for a second.

"Would you like a drink and some food, Mr. Garvil?" she asked me in her singsong voice.

"Ahh.. Uhm I apologize. Yes, actually. I'll have the usual, just ask Orelly what that is, it's quite complicated," I said, too tired to explain what I wanted. I grabbed a chair next to Faurus, and lowered myself into it. "Hello, Telem. How goes the business?"

"It goes bad, I'm afraid. I think I just wasn't cut out for this job," he said sadly.

"Ohh nonsense, Telem. You are doing just fine," I comforted him, patting him on the shoulder. "If anything, I'm the one doin' bad. I just can't find the good stuff these days. Well hell, I suppose none of us can."

"Please, Tarick. That's unnecessary. I'm just going to have to grow up and face the facts," said the Imperial, brushing back one of his bangs that had fallen over his left eye. Telem was atleast ten years older than me, I couldn't imagine him ever quitting the business.

"You seem down.. How 'bout I buy ya a drink eh?" I offered, shaking him by the shoulder in an attempt to cheer him up. Telem was always in a good mood when people were buying him things.

"Ah, how could I refuse!" he said, suddenly happy.

That's when the hooded man entered the room. He pulled out a seat near me and sat in it, his red eyes marking him as a Dunmer, as that's all I could see of him from here. He kept those big, red eyes focused on me, even when I turned away I could feel them burning into my back.

I began to get anxious and annoying, and stood, turning to face the hooded Dark Elf.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"Ocato sent me to you."

"For what? I'm not going to waste my time with you, wretch," I said a little louder now, hand on the pouch which held a small steel dagger.

"So cruel, so naive. Anyways, he requests your immediate appearance at the Palace. You are to report to him in his private quarters. Just talk to a guard, say you're a man named Taeir Johrn, and that Ocato sent you. They will direct you to his quarters," he explained, his voice croaky and unnerving.

I was nervous now, why would Ocato want me? I had been making all the payments on time.

"I know where his quarters are, knave. I know what to do," I spat back at him, insulted at the smirch on my experience.

"I don't much care about that, I only told you what Ocato told me to tell you," he said, leaning back in his chair. I was practically burning with annoyance, and stormed out of the bar without even apologizing and saying goodbye to Telem.

Kay, so I'll just go straight past the good job and congratulations and go straight to the criticism, if you don't mind.

First, you must really like the word chronicles, eh?

Okay, so as a first chapter you did a good job. A decent length, though most of that seems to be dialogue. Which is a style, one I don't use and thus can't criticize.

One thing I've noticed is that when you use ellipses, you use two periods instead of three, for some reason. There are also several cases where you can merge two sentences or have them merged when they shouldn't be. Case in point, "I said. Declined." and "For what, I'm not going to waste my time with you, wretch?"

The first should be one sentence, separated by a comma, while the second should have a question mark after For what and start a new sentence with I'm. There are a few other cases, but this is all you get from me this early in the morning.

In any case, glad to see you doing another fic. Cheers!

Thanks for the comment, Ambrose. Later on in the fic it'll be more action than dialogue, I just always start out my stories this way for some reason . The reason I put, "I said. Declined." was to let the reader know he was saying it sharply.. I'll change the second sentence though.

And yeah I like the word Chronicles.. I don't know, it's just the word makes me think fantasy or fictional.

I'm really glad you liked it, this is probably the most-worked-on-chapter I've ever written in my short history here on gamesas.

P.S. Comments, reviews, criticism is welcome, feel free to post, peoplez!

Edit: And about the ellipses, I just think sometimes 3 is too much, and 2 is the right amount. It's simply how I write :/. If there's 3 when I think there should be 2 it'll break my flow. Idk it just happens.

Section Two: Threats and Debts

"I need more," the Altmer simply said, looking me straight in the eyes.

"More?! We had a [censored] deal, Ocato," I said, my eyes bloodshot with anger and hatred for this high and mighty Chancellor.

"Look, it's very simple, Tarick. If you don't pay up, I'm afraid your little "organization" is going to go down."

"I have been "paying up". We made a deal and I have made my weekly payments on the dot," I sneered, brushing my hand through my hair, undoing several knots.

"I know, and I'm so glad you could. But this is the here and the now, Tarick. You need to wake up and smell the skooma. I'm not playing games with you, Tarick. Either you pay more or you die."

"Oh so now you're threatening me with death?" I spat back, a constant grimace of hate on my face in the presence of this arrogant bastard.

"You know as well as I do that if I reveal you, the authorities, sorry, my authorities, will hunt you down and kill you. Remember the last time the Inquisition was hunting you? Remember how they made you scream in their torture chambers?" retorted the Altmer with a look of confidence and smug contentedness on his face.

"You.. Son of a [censored]," I replied, pushing the horrid memories of Ocato's secret Inquisition out of his head. The thoughts were too painful.

"Now let us get down to business eh?" he said, offering me a chair and taking a seat himself. I sat down hesitantly, as if I would regret the act. The last time I had been sitting in Ocato's presence was when I was being brutally "persuaded" by Ocato's dreadful henchmen.

"So, what's your usual payment? A thousand septims? Now that's just unexceptional. You know as well as I, a thousand septims can't get you anything at the level me and you play at."

"You're a dirty [censored]son, Ocato. What do you want from me, I'll see if I can meet the payments. Business has been bad lately, I struggle to make five thousand a week, when before, when we first met, I had been scraping in over forty thousand ever month," I replied, cold and calm reason restoring itself in my mind.

"Ah, now we can really talk. I'm glad you found your way through the bad mood you were previously in. Let's say two and a half thousand a week? Is that reasonable?" asked the pompous man, crossing his legs.

"Two and a half thousand?! Are you serious?" I asked.

"Quite serious, my good man. I need the money," he said back to me.

A sudden realization dawned on me.

Ocato was planning something, and something big. I have to get out of here.... make up some excuse.. Quick! I thought, my mind racing through the possibilities as to why in the Nine would Ocato need more money, when the Empire was running smoothly and efficiently after the Oblivion gates were closed.

"Ugh.. I really need some fresh air. It's so stuffy in here," I said, putting on a jittery act for the Chancellor.

"After we discuss the terms," he said coldly, staring at me with those harsh eyes.

"Whatever, sure. I'll make two and half a week. I really need some air," I replied, stroking the black stubble on my face.

"If you aren't back in ten minutes, I'll send you know who to fetch you back," snorted the Altmer, waving me off.

I exited, closing the double doors behind me. Then I ran. I ran until my heart hammered in my chest like a bull silt-strider, and my limbs felt like molten lead. I ran until I was out of the Palace, out of the City. I arrived in the Waterfront when I realized my dash through the City probably caused some commotion. Ocato's network of secret spies and Inquisitors would rat me out, no doubt. I had to leave, and fast.

I fell into an exhausted lump in his hidden bedroll, behind a small bush.

Darkness immediately enclosed me, and my torturing nightmares awaited. I accepted their embrace gladly, happy to get out of the real world, out of my tired and battered body.

Part One of Section Three: The Meeting

A gruff voice came from the gloomy night that surrounded the Waterfront.

"Pelar that you?"

A somewhat sharp object prodded my back, and I groaned, my limbs still tired from my exertion.

"By the Nines can't a man catch a bit of sleep?" I called out.

"Whatever, Pelar.. You're gonna' miss the meetin' I suppose," came the same gruff voice. The man prodded me with a stick twice more.

"Quit it, I'm tired!" I shouted, kicking out with my leg, connecting with what felt like a knee. Then he heard what sounded like someone standing up.

"I'm jus' gonna' 'ave to fill ye in."

"Sure, whatever," I said, still half-asleep. My mouth was dry and my throat was hoarse, and I rolled from my side onto my stomach and curled deeper into the soft blankets.

The soft, persuasive grasp of sleep was edging itself onto my vision, its talons and claws hidden under a blanket of smooth blackness. It was impossible to resist, and I saw no point in not sleeping. If my guards needed me, and I wasn't at Orelly's, I would either be here, or hanging from the gallows. I fell into the blanket of blackness, disappointed that it was shallow as a piece of paper, and my nightmares easily grasped me and pulled me under.

Guess I'll give a short review I'm kind of busy, so I can't give the whole spell check and everything, but there were a few errors. Oh, and it is even better than last time

Good scene in the beginning, explains the background well. All good stories start off showing what the protagonist's normal life is like. One thing that bothered me is how you just suddenly introduced Telem. Give his backstory a little bit more, and explain as soon as you see him, spread over a few lines of dialogue. How he suddenly changes emotions bothered me as well. I understand he is supposedly happy when someone is buying him a drink, but that was a little much.

Then your introduction of the Dunmer is a little too hasty. Slow that down, describe him more. Same with his dialogue; have him use subtletey and insinuations more than outright statements. He wouldn't say that in front of everyone, so at least make him whisper it.

After that, you keep saying how much he hates Ocato, and your use of body language is good, but I simply don't feel it. Don't know what to tell you about that, just take a look. Also, you misused the point of view there too, saying his instead of my. And I'd say you should be able to find a better excuse than the bathroom... Maybe have him go out for a smoke or something. He's a grown man for pete's sake And there are no rhino's in Tes. And then again with the his.

Next chapter, really short I see. Doesn't really say much, and there is not plot as of yet. I would call this entire thing the introduction. Well, it was good; a few mistakes here and there, but overall good. Thanks for writing, I'll be back once the plot rears its head :goodjob: As always, keep it up.

Telem isn't going to be an important character, I didn't see a reason to put anything other than what he did and why Tarick knows him.

Part Two Section Three: Rude Awakening

I was grabbed forcefully by the shoulders, and turned onto my back. The blankets covered me completely except for my face.

"Pelar they killed Gef-" said the man before seeing my face.

"Woh slow down there, champ. I dunno what you're talking about," I said, my memory of the man waking me up the night before vanished.

"Who in Narsiym are you?" said the man, nervous and frightened.

"I'm Tarick. Tarick Garvil. May I inquire as to whom I am speaking to?"

"I-I'm Ferel Angav, you have to help me.." he stammered, out of breath.

"What's the problem?" I asked, now intrigued. Maybe if I assisted this man he could help smuggle me out of Cyrodiil.

"I was.. At a meeting-"

"Meeting for what?" I cut him off, curious about what this was all about.

"Eh.. Well, y'see. Me n my brother Pelar were a bit down on money, so we decided to join a Necromantic coven. I know, it sounds crazy, but it really seemed like the best idea, because they offer food n shelter. You following me?" he explained, looking guilty.

"Ah, I have nothing against Necromancers.. Although after Ocato's overall ban on Necromancy, joining a coven probably wasn't the best idea."

"I know, I know. We never should have gotten involved with these people. We got a tip from a friend inside the group that it was a great thing to be in, and all the recruit meetings made it seem as great as our "friend" made it sound. I.. The friend.. Was actually an Imperial servant, looking to bust some people with bad judgment and make a pretty penny."

"I would expect something so low from Ocato, he is a conniving pest," I replied. If this man had friends in a Necromantic cult, who knows who he knows! This was an opportunity I couldn't refuse.

"I'm willing to strike a deal with you, Angav," I said, looking the man in the eyes.

"Huh? A deal... Per'aps me n you could work sumfin out eh?" he asked, obviously interested.

"I will help you find your brother, and get you a permanent job in Under-Town, if you can assure me that you will get me out of Cyrodiil without Ocato's knowing."

"You'll help me find Pelar? That's great! I've never been to Under-Town.. I hear it's all shady figures, and gangs down there."

"No, no, not at all my good sir. I've worked in Under-Town my whole life, it's quite prosperous," I replied, finally convincing the Breton.

"Well.. I suppose I could get you out of Cyrodiil. I know a spice smuggler, but his prices are not low," he said in his gruff, low voice.

"Prices are not an option. Over the years I have made quite the savings."

"Well c'mon! Pelar could be in a ditch somewhere bleeding out!" he shouted, pulling me forcefully by the wrist to my feet.

"Alright, alright.. How 'bout let's retrace your steps eh? Maybe then we'll find em."

Closed per OP request.