Ive built the small house so far and Lydia is supposedly my steward but aint giving me the option to hire a carriage and bard....I forget how do I get these options to come up and how can I test to make sure she is my steward....she wont follow me into the small house.

Hearthfire unofficial bug path on the nexus helps. And I think you have to build the main hall first

That's it. You need to build the larger house first.

Ok the main hall is next...Lydia aint giving me no steward dialogue yet...she mines iron ore but wont follow me into the house or anywhere.....do I need the main hall before she starts doing all that?

Yes