Based on the infamous (and now oft-parodied) Skippy's List.

Not allowed to hit on Saadia when she's supposed to be working.

I am the Dragonborn, not "Princess Anastasia".

Irileth has neither the time or inclination to hear about what I did with six pounds of venison jerky.

irileth is not that kind of Dunmer and I am to refrain from telling Dunmer men otherwise.

"Ragnar the Red" is a tavern song, not an Imperial Legion marching cadence.

Neither is "Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around".

Not allowed to sing "Shut Up And Drive" by Rihanna while riding a carriage.

Not allowed to host skeever fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to host bum fights in the Ragged Flagon.

Not allowed to imitate Brynjolf's voice. It really ticks him off.

Brynjolf is not after "me frosted Lucky Charms".

Not allowed to insinuate that Vex does unsavoury things with her sword pommel.

Barney the Dinosaur does not inhabit the planes of Oblivion, and I am to refrain from telling small children otherwise.

Not allowed to tell Lars Battle-Born that daedra live under his bed.

Not allowed to put Braith over my knee. Even though she really deserves it.

Not allowed to send Carlotta Valentia love notes purporting to be from Molag Bal.

Not allowed to tell a Vigilant of Stendarr that I'll show him to the nearest daedra worship site if he'll have a few bottles of mead with me.

Not allowed to get into drinking contests with strange men in hooded robes.

Not allowed to eat an entire clove of garlic, then belch in Sybille Stentor's face.

Not allowed to Shout at waitresses who get my order wrong.

Not allowed to taunt skooma addicts in the throes of withdrawal with moon sugar.

The Skyforge is not for roasting marshmallows.

The Skyforge is not for roasting chestnuts.

The Skyforge is not to be used as a barbeque.

Adrienne Avennicci is not God, nor is she going to rip my lungs out.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with summoned daedra.

Not allowed to threaten the living with necromancy, especially if they are a follower of Meridia.

When attempting to seize a Hold for the Legion, I am not allowed to knock on the front gates and announce delivery of pizza.

My followers are not part of "the goon squad". Especially not Erandur.

I have been advised and understand that I am to address the Emperor as "Your Majesty", not "Short Stuff".

Not allowed to kidnap Astrid in her sleep and leave her somewhere in a swamp. Even if she did it to me first.

Cicero will only dance for me if I pay him with a decent amount of coin. He will NOT dance for food no matter how good it is.

Not allowed to use an ebony greatsword to disprove "the pen is mightier than the sword". Even if it works.

Not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with a Fireball spell and any Thalmor officer.

Not allowed to use Soul Trap on civilians I don't like.

Bitcoins are not legal tender in any part of Tamriel, let alone Skyrim.

Not allowed to hum "The Imperial March" when General Tullius walks past, not matter how appropriate I think it is.

I must not attempt to pet random Kajiit, not even M'aiq the Liar.

Talking dogs are bad news.

Not allowed to antagonize Thalmor Justiciars.

Not allowed to call Elenwen unsavoury names at an embassy party. That's a certain merchant's job.

Not allowed to attempt to stuff Ondolemar's head into the nearest Dwemer steam vent during a Thalmor visit to Markarth.

Not a good idea to try to convert followers of Numira to vegetarianism.

The Dwemer did not "have it coming" and I am to refrain from telling Calcelmo otherwise.

Sheogorath may not contradict any of my orders.

Must never ask Laila Law-Giver if she's been smoking crack.

Wylandriah is not going senile and I am to refrain from telling citizens of Riften otherwise.

Not allowed to join the Forsworn.

NEVER confuse an Altmer for a Bosmer.

The proper response to an order from the Jarl is not "Why?".

Not allowed to sic Odahviing on villagers.

Dwarven Spheres are not stuffed with sweetrolls, and it is wrong to tell novice adventurers otherwise.

Not allowed to burn an effigy of Talos outside the Hjaalmarch Stormcloak camp.

Calling any Nord a "milk-drinker" is highly inadvisable.

Not allowed to proposition any member of The Blades. ESPECIALLY Delphine.

There is no such thing as a were-mudcrab.

If were-mudcrabs did exist, rest assured the resources of the Empire and all the holds of Skyrim would be devoted to their total and complete extermination.

Not allowed to use the Animal Allegiance Thu'um to sic a wolf on Lydia. Even if she is being useless.

Ahh no it's a wall of text! Look away-LOOK AWAY!

I feel like there's some kind of joke that I'm missing here.

In case anybody's wondering what this is all about, here is the original Skippy's List: http://skippyslist.com/list/

Fixed. My bad, I should have double-spaced it to begin with.

Dude, it's list-based humour. Welcome to this decade.

I didn't want to post the link to Skippy's List because I wasn't sure if it was allowed.

Can I go back please?

It isn't funny because it lacks context. No one ever tried to do any of these things, so it's just a random list of activities without reasons or consequences. It has no point.

I'll try and give it a whirl:

Not allowed to claim to be the best blacksmith in Whiterun. Eorlund Greymane holds that honor.

Not allowed to insinuate Aela 'runs wild' with Skjor

Not allowed to go to the cloud district, because of course I don't

No lollygagging

No shouting in public. Supposedly.

No littering. Jarls have excellent hearing and it disturbs their peace

Not allowed to drink milk. Not even with cereal.

Not allowed to worship Talos in the Empire, an actual god, but invisible flying spaghetti monsters are okay

Not allowed to block with two weapons. That's cheating.

Not allowed to fondle Dibella's statue...the 'lady of love' who's followers give erotic instruction....

Hows that?

It's based on Skippy's List Of Things He's Not Allowed To Do When Roleplaying (not sure if I got the title right). Basically, it's a list of looney things that someone named "Skippy" attempted to do in a tabletop RPG but was nixed by an exasperated GM.

You're not allowed to think for yourself. Shut up and take orders.

Ah I see. Poor GM, I can relate.

...Correction. Skippy's List is more pertinent to real-life military stuff. The original for RPGs is http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

LOL. Skeever and bum fights at the Ragged Flagon. I can totally see Delvin profiting off of that.

It's based on the list I linked to above. Roleplaying versions came later, after the fame of the original list spread across the internet in 2001.

Heh.

I like it. I knew of the RPG version but not the army one.

Liar! I am a princess!

Not allowed to be hungry though my character can eat.

Not allowed to get sleepy though my character can sleep.

Not allowed to carry a sleeping bag. I'll just sleep with the crickets if you don't mind.

Not allowed to play a flute or the drums or the guitar though the world is full of them.

Not allowed to kiss a female npc then get slapped, kicked and or violently pummeled which could be enjoyable if one thinks about it.

Not allowed to sleep in another other than armor (for npcs)