There comes a time for a man when he must calm down and be able to tell himself: "I have escaped the jungle; I can stop being an animal now."

I recently told myself this after going through half a year of intentionally choosing to be a mean, aggresive, and VERY ruthless person. The reason behind these behaviours ranged from me being out of patience with the incompetent two-faced people I had to deal with day by day, whether it was at home or in High School, to simply deciding that it is better to feel hateful and angry, as opposed to feeling sad and hopeless.

I suppose it all started last summer, when I realized that I am doomed to one day die, as my dog (and the only friend that remained consistent for seven years of my life) had done before my very eyes. I resembled Tony Stark in Iron Man 3, often having fits of anxiety where I would rush to a bathroom to sit in the shower, or try resorting to alcohol to make it all just... stop. In the end, my emotional salvation came when I got angry and determined. Determined to give everyone that pretended to be my friend in school, only to never so much as send me a text during that awful sumer, my honest opinion; Determined to get done with High School and move on in life; Determined to write a book; Determined to be the best at what I am, and rub that fact in the faces of everyone that ever thought low of me.

It worked, for a long time. Being honest to the people I despised was relieving, and in chasing after my goals, I learned much about myself and the real world. Much more than nearly four years of tolerating High School taught me.

But then I got out of High School in December. I got to face unemployment (still am,) lost all respect I had for my dad, and, for the longest time, tried to keep proceeding as I had been: Angry and unrestrained.

I had lost any faith I once had in all people, and was more than ready to become everything that the masses hated, without any care for how much what I said or did would do to their Emotion Bones. And why should I? If they didn't have the nuts to handle a few things Mr.Stark said about their lifestyle, that was their own damn fault! In this world, only those whom dare can win! You certainly weren't going to get any better lamenting your woes all the time, yes? As if anyone gave two cents about your lack of self-confidence.

If you weren't ready to deal with how mean reality was, and adapt to it, then you were nothing more but the creator of your own problems in my eyes.

But my eyes were still red. Glaring. Clouded by that anger that had kept me feeling alive. And full of hate.

It was only this month that I began to feel like something I hadn't been since the very end of 2008, when I was moved here to Hawaii with absolutely no input in the matter: A leader. Someone with goals, whom wished to work toward them with others. Someone with... what was that feeling?

Hope?

And as I return to the position I was always meant to fulfill, so to do many senses and emotions I had... numbed away, all these years. My sympathy and understanding for others. My desire to work with people toward creating something memorable. My ability to realize the mistakes I've made and learn from them.

I feel less like a villain in the making at this point. I feel ready to become something more than "the protagonist or antagonist." I feel like I am human, once again. A human that has realized he knows little, and has much learning ahead of him.

TLDR

I'm burnt out on acting like an ass to others, realizing that anger alone will not fix my problems.

So what about you people? Let's drop the characters, peel back the avatars, and get personal here. Who are you? Have you ever found yourself realizing that you had fallen far from who you intended to be? What mistakes did you make, and what did you do when you realized them?

This thread is pretty much your free pass to tell the internet your life story here. So let's cut the nonsense and get honest with eachother: About one another, and about ourselves.

I used to be a really withdrawn racist bigot. I used the "N" word all the time until I hurt this black guy's feelings really bad, and then I realized the moron was me. After that, I have campaigned against racism of any kind. When my daughter was born I told myself that I would not raise her the way I was raised. While she was growing I always made sure not to refer to people by their skin color, only their actions. She is an advlt doing her own thing, and much to my delight, she is not a racist bigot like I was when I was young. I was a horrible person, and to this day I am filled with shame.

Human... Returning... Human...?

TL;DR

I like who I've become. I tried to be someone I'm not during my teenage years, but I feel like I've found my true self now, and I intend to build on that. Sure I'm a little flawed in certain areas, but so are everyone and I never feel like putting myself down. That's stupid. I never act like something I'm not. This is the Moog you get.

Once you've gone feral, the nicest thing that can be done to you is to be put down mercifully. But that is most unlikely in this day and age. As for me, I'll just trudge on by until someone can hurry up and accidently run me over or I hurry up and find something I am both good at and can get a passion for.

Sorry to see you hurt, PoliticallyCorrecthand4

Actually... I think I'm feeling better than I ever have in my life.

It is very long, but blackhand, i read yours so give mine a shot.

For the longest time i was a two-three faced person, at school, i was timid, and uncaring of my grades, at home i was vile, loud, and then alone, i was subject to my carnial desires. This lightened when i was 14 or so, i met this girl, i fell in love, i know typical, and so i became friends with her, months later, i told her how i felt, she stopped being my friend. So angry and confident in psycology, i paid no attention to her, but waited, sure enough, she approached me again, and so friends again, this happened again, with same result. Then i told her again, and, she avoided me, of course all the way i had been helping her open up to others anf understand her parents, anyway, she approached again during a field trip fishing, i fished for a while alone i might add, she was still avoiding, then lunch, she approached, sat in silence, but soon reconciled, we grew closer, started writing letters, when oneday she wrote she loved me, AS A BROTHER, so i told her how i really felt again.

This lead to an avoidance, and my friwnd asked me if i wantwd him to talk to her, i said, i dont care anymore, do it if you wish. She passed a letter into my backpack saying to stop sending letters ad i had been the mornings, but i didnt know she put that letter in my pack, so when i discovered it, i exploded, i told her off, that i didnt twll him to do anything, and a bunch of othwr stuff, i think it was close to or was the last day of that year, my sophmore year.

So during the summer a guy i met during classes walked to my house, saying he moved into town, and we shouls hang, i agreed and so began the slow decent into crime, that summer mind you, and i met a girl then, i was sorta pushed to date. So i did, and things happened, i was not faithful to her, i kissed her best friend, and felt like more of a monster than i ever have, so i began caring less, that was a bad summer, i also had surgery on my leg so when i came back to school, i was on crutches, i had noticed the first day, my first love looked at me in the lunch line, my heart skippwd, her friend later asked if i would reconcile with her.

So i did and began sitting at their table in the morning, and me and my first love began flirting in our own way, and so me and my first love found somewhere more secluded later that week, i flirted with, did you miss me? Ill give you a hug, unexpectedly she agreed, so i hugged her, and even better she kissed my cheek, i suddenly got on cloud 11, she apologized and said she got carried away, and i said dont be.

But then, it caught up with me, the police came for me my friend, and another that was involved, i foolishly admitted to everything, thinking i was already caught, so in the days before beibg moved to AEP, i told my love, she hugged me and kissed my cheek, and gave me her final letter, with her number, but she could only tect me, not i text her, cause it was her moms phone, it was secret. So for a long time we texted, but i selfishly kept her up texting, sleep didnt affect my school life, i thought, i guess, and so my sentence came, i could get off free because i was just one month from being 17, i was so relieved. But i began sixting my love, and so we grew further and further apart, until, we broke up a few times, and then for the final time, i still think of her, and what would have been, if i wasnt the monster i am now.

Edit: i am happy who i became out of my troubles, but i will never forget what i might have had if i hadent been stupid, alot...

I have no idea who I am. Im not going to tell my life story, other than when i was growing up my life was [censored] and I had no way to escape it. The best I have been able to decide about who I am is that I am who I need to be.

Yeah, I got pretty much [censored] after high school (though certainly not to the extent a lot of people get [censored] throughout life). I was expecting to move up to full time from parttime in farm work for a year, raising money and then going to university next year. Whole family ended up having to move to the big city, and I can't find any work. svcks.

A lot of stuff happened during school that svcked, but I'm away from all that now, water under the bridge.

I still have monsters lurking, i feel far from human, but less than dead, i feel the shadows that want to shine, and the light that just wants to fade.

Sounds like you could use a healthy outlet for your aggression, as could all males. I play guitar and pump iron, metal all the way. They act as equalisers in my life and make me much more pleasant to be around.

The intensity of excerting yourself physically helps to purge your mind and spirit.