When they awoke, Zalphon looked out the window to see it was barely the crack of dawn. He went downstairs and said to the innkeeper, "Kwarma egg, quick please."

The Innkeeper raised a brow and said "Sure, Kwarma Egg and Flin?"

Zalphon nodded.

Zalphon seen J'skooma come down along with Quick-Strike, both looked exhausted, but J'skooma said to the innkeep, "Scrib Jerky, Matze, and scrib jelly, please."

Quick-Strike looked at the innkeeper and said, "A bottle of Greef, and some hound meat, please."

The Innkeeper said calmly, "Yes sirs, and its on the house."

Zalphon, J'skooma, and Quick-Strike walked over to a table and sat down. Zalphon said peacefully, "They'll be back."

J'skooma said vibrantly, "Not for another year or so..."

Quick-Strike looked at them and said, "J'skooma is right."

Zalphon grinned and asked curiously, "So, Do we stay here, relax, become the guardians of Skaal, or do we go back to Vvardenfell?"

Quick-Strike said calmly, "I've wanted to go to Mournhold, for a very long time."

The barmaid brought them their meals.

Zalphon asked, "Why Mournhold."

J'skooma said happily, "Why not?"

Quick-Strike bit into his hound meat and then said, "It is said, Almaexia is in Mournhold, and Sotha Sil as well, I intend to meet the Tribunal."

Zalphon shrugged and said, "Alright." he then took a massive bite from his kwarma egg, and then took a swig from his flin.

J'skooma devoured his scrib jerky and said happily, "Mournhold is where we shall be."

Zalphon calmly said, "Wait, before we leave, lets get our blessing from the shaman of Skaal."

J'skooma grinned as he said, "Great idea!"

Quick-Strike shook his head and said, "Shamans use very crude magic, not even an apprentice mage would be that bad, his blessing could easily be a curse by his accidental fault."

Zalphon shrugged and said, "Your right, well, tomorrow we sail for Vvardenfell, and then travel to Mournhold."

Quick-Strike nodded and so did J'skooma.

P.S. I tried to shorten it, did I make it to short, an entire thing about a conversation over breakfest, I given advice to shorten it, but im just curious if its too short.

Wow. The dialogue has improved a LOT. It's quite a bit more realistic now, if not a few mistakes or awkward statements, but that's bound to happen if you're new.

Although it lacked action, it lacked the confusion from the last chapter... I liked it a lot better than the pre-this chapter chapters xD

Action will come in dear time, Holywalrus, we'll see a battle between The Nords of Skaal, Werewolves, and the Imperial Legion (Thank the shaman for making the imperial legion mad...We'll see how he did it)

The dialogue was a tiny bit better but it's still robotic. And it is clear to me now that you're not listening. You're still saying 'seen' instead of 'saw' and what I said about 'your' and 'you're' has been ignored as well because you're still doing the same old thing. Oh and you obviously didn't look at what I said about 'its' and 'it's'.

You said it yourself that things like that can ruin a story but you continue to do just that. Ruin your story.

Wow. This is one of the only FanFics I've seen with some serious, visible improvements. Good job, Zaph.

For a little more help, I've noticed you simply use 'Said'. Although its grammatically fine, it's nice to see some variation in there. Let me find an example.



Now if we change it;



With just a bit of sentence re-jig and a few words changed, it becomes a lot more 'interesting', if you catch my drift.

Chriso give it time. Improvements like these are like breaking a crack addiction. He might struggle with it at first but if he keeps at it eventually he'll use the correct terms.

So far, there has been phenomenal improvements.

I have seen no improvement. All the same single-line paragraphs with no description. It is the opposite of a wall-o-text; it is a chain-link-fence-o-text, and the result is bad vibes.



Add description!

You're backlasping, Zalphon. You were improving a bit, but then it went back to something none-to-pleasant to read. The dialouge improved, slightly, but you still have zero description. I realise that it may take awhile for you to unlearn the incorrect grammar, but it looked like you just shunted our advice aside.

Alright, well in a couple days i'll give a VERY descriptive, grammically correct, chapter...

Don't be overly descriptive, then you become Paolini, and no one wants to be him, because he svcks...at life....and unlife.

Also, I've noticed something. Your writing consists of Action and Dialouge. Now, that makes sense, but in your chapters, they follow right on the heels of each other. Like Quick-Strike will do something, and say something right after on the same line. Then Zalphon will react to that, and say something right after. It's somewhat bothersome.

Alright...thanks Verlox I would write the story right now but I left it behind (I left my journal at my mom's house, we just got back from camping)

I can't wait! . I look forward to the installment.

I may actually drop this fanfiction... I think im going to focus on something a little different...

Ah what will that be? If I may ask?

A commoner who is joining House Telvanni. Ever since he was seen House Telvanni retainers duel in Balmora, he's wanted to join. He was only 8 at the time, and he had to take care of all his loose ends before he could leave for sadrith mora. As he tried to take care of loose ends, he got a few more, he stole a bottle of valuable wine from Ondre Nerano, and must pay him off to make sure he keeps it quiet. Eydis Fire-Eye must be persuaded to forget about what happened in an eggmine (he used to work for fighters' guild, but a simple, cure this queen of a blight disease turned into a bad moment and now she has a bounty on his head for killing a kwarma queen and causing House Hlaalu to lose much profit). And finally he must talk to the clothier to pay his tab on the, exquisite shirt, exquisite pants, exquisite shoes, and exquisite gloves. Then he leaves for Sadrith Mora to train under the Telvanni Wizard Lords.