By Belyn Llervu

Fear of the fool, is the beginning of wisdom.

For Master Neloth of Tel Mithryn and House Telvanni,

The shipment of Briarhearts you requested that I deliver to you will unfortunately be delayed due to a disagreement between myself and the Argonian dockworkers in Windhelm. To try and lessen your disappointment I have written about something that will surely interest you.

You'll be pleased to know that before I left Windhelm, I referred to your tome 'The Daedra of Oblivion: Useless Things That Can't Even Pour Tea' during my preparations, rather than consult Solas Arethi's more famous book, 'An Idiot's Guide To Summoning Daedra'. In your guide, you claim that the easiest way to summon an Ogrim from the Ashpits is to crush the skull of a Nordic Fox while receiting Sermon 14 of The Thirty-Six Lessons of Vivec backwards, and in Ehlnofex. Now I'm not saying that your methods are wrong; far from it in fact; but you must know that it is incredibly difficult to get your hands on a copy of St. Vivec's Sermons in the Grey Quarter, and I do not have the coin to be travelling to the College of Winterhold and back. Nor do I speak Ehnolfex, so you must forgive me for going to the Orc Stronghold of Narzulbur in St. Veloth's Mountains for assisstance.

The wise woman of the Orcs agreed to help to me with my task, but only if she could visit your tower; so if an Orc comes to Tel Mithryn, she is a guest and not someone you can experiment on. She took me to a mountain that sat in the middle of the sulphur pools of Eastmarch, where she prayed to Malacath and requested that he send her an Ogrim. Malacath heard her prayers, and when the Daedra appeared it took all the knowledge I learnt in Port Telvannis to calm the beast, and stop it from killing myself and the Orc.

After the Ogrim had been pacified, I noticed that it had no nipble-rings. Varrac Odrethi's notes on Ogrim that I had read appeared to have been wrong. I enquired as to why the Ogrim had no nipble-rings, and you will not believe this, but the daedra began to cry.

"Yog-Yog been bad, bad Ogrim. Yog-Yog tries to take Mauloch's place. Mauloch finds out and takes Yog-Yog's rings away. Yog-Yog is sad. Yog-Yog learns lesson. Mauloch no listen. Mauloch no care."

As bizarre as this was, I felt sorry for the Ogrim. I asked him why he tried to usurp Malacath's throne.

"Yog-Yog likes Mauloch, yes he does. But Mauloch be bad to Yog-Yog's Hunger. Makes Yog-Yog's Hunger cry. Yog-Yog no likes this. Yog-Yog tells Orcs in Orc-Town that Mauloch bad bad person. Orcs listen to Yog-Yog, Orcs pray to Yog-Yog. Yog-Yog takes Mauloch's Dwarf-Hammer. Yog-Yog gives Orcs Mauloch's Dwarf-Hammer. Orcs like Yog-Yog. Yog-Yog likes Orcs. Yog-Yog walks like Mauloch. Mauloch starts walking like Yog-Yog. Mauloch sees Orc-Town and smashes Orc-Town. Orcs lose home and no more pray to Yog-Yog. Mauloch takes Yog-Yog's rings and gives them to goblins. Yog-Yog's Hunger no like Yog-Yog no more. Yog-Yog's Hunger goes back to Sheogorath. Yog-Yog sad."

When the Ogrim had finished rambling, a young woman that resembled an Altmer appeared and she consoled the Daedra. She opened the Ogrim's clasped fist and placed a ring in his palm.

"Yog-Yog, I am Silhansa. Malacath has sent me to tell you that you are forgiven. The Ashpits are calling for you. Come, let's go home."

And with that, the Ogrim and the woman disappeared.

This was absolutely brilliant.