proluge: the faith of the world
troop status
doom111:KIA
doom141:KIA
doom202:KIA
doom333:KIA
doom222:UNKOWN
??????:all of my brothers my country my world dead now its there turn to die our blood there landnow it is there turn to draw blood and die if project doom222 fails then we shall unleash an army of dooms
chapter 1:4 down one to kill
doom222:what do you know about your friends
raider:i aint telling you nutin
doom222:well goodbye
raider:oh good he spared me
*BOOOM*
doom222:so much for him i wounder if my brothers are here
?:hello doom you there
doom222:yea
?:bad new your brothers are KIA
doom222:WHAT?!?!?!WHO KILLED THEM I WELL MAKE SURE THEY WILL NEVER HAVE A HEAD AGAIN
?:the enclave did
doom222:ill find them and killem

Doom, definately wait until you are more experienced to write fan fics, you have to improve your grammar, and writing skills.

Yeah, it's probably not the best to write a story in poetry form? Also, detail and depth is probably a good thing as well. And also character development. I suggest that you completely overhaul this, and make it into a story, rather a strange poem?

This actually gave me an idea for a FF... I don't know why or how that's possible, yet it did.

? This is different?

You have to make it much longer, improve grammer, fix run ons and have much more detail.

Why does this get criticism and mine doesn't?

Not meaning to offend you, doom. It's just I don't understand how it's even possible :/

Edit: scratch that, seems people are lookin' at it nao.

People just have to interested by it. You need a catchy title, and something that sounds different, and interesting to the reader. Something like that, I am trying to use this forum to actually work on my creative writing, through the styles of writing people use on here.

Now, back to the OP. I can tell you seem to be enthusiastic about writing it, but an important thing to know right now is in the most honest way I can put it, you writing skills aren't that good. There are a lot of mistakes in your writing, and you need to learn how to fix them. Sorry for sounding like a teacher.

Here would be a revised version of your work. I will try to keep it as close to the original text.

-----------------------
Prologue : The Fate of the World

:// Troop Status First off, it seems you are typing it in a way where it would be performed in a play. A script, basically. An example would be Romeo and Juliet.

-Doom111:KIA
-Doom141:KIA
-Doom202:KIA
-Doom333:KIA
-Doom222:MIA Note: I used MIA because I think Missing In Action would be more proper than just Unknown

*Enter Scene*

Stranger 1:All of my brothers, my country, and my whole world is dead. Now its their turn to die with their blood on there own land. Now it is there turn to draw blood and die(This line is just a repeat of what you just said.) If Project Doom222 fails then we shall unleash an army of dooms.
----------------------

I will end it at here. Hopefully Doom, you can take a look at this, and check out some of the mistakes you made, and can learn how to fix them up.

After all, not many people will take your work seriously if you aren't going to put in enough effort in making sure it is readable, and clear to the reader.

So please, don't take this as an offence, i'm just trying to help you out and give some criticism. :tops:

The dialogue style of writing has never been that good a style, and your story has no depth.

That.. Was...........................


:meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh: :meh:

Instead of an army of Dooms, you have an army of Mehs.

Believe me, there is a much stronger opinion of mine. But in order to not make the bear grumpy, i'm not going to state it. In fact, I really don't think this thread will go anywhere. Hopefully, maybe, just maybe, something good can come out of this. :shrug:

I wrote 'Heavy Casualties', because this inspired me to. That's something good, no? Well not really inspired, just gave me an idea, rather.