Ugh, whatever.

First of all, you're all a bunch of louts and I hate you. If I didn't have crippling gambling debts owed to some of the worst people in the Empire, I wouldn't even be here.

Whatever.

Let's just get this over with, for all the good it will do. Here's my beef, as simply as I can relate it to you: What's the first thing you always do when a ship sinks? Whenever troops die of thirst in Alik'r? When a grassfire starts in the Westweald (or even a bad wine year for that matter)?

OH MUST HAVE BEEN THE WEATHER!!

Oh NOOOOOO we didn't know it would be so hot we didn't bring enough water to drink! AWW BOO HOO we didn't know that the storm would come SO SOON and now we all sunk and drowned! WAAAHHHHH my wine is [censored] this year because there wasn't enough rain/too much rain/too much wind/I don't know what I'm doing.

It's. Not. The. Weather guy's. Fault.

You want to talk about the weather? I've received over 30 complaints this week about our forecasts. All of them from your office. So let's talk about the weather.

Okay first of all, let's start with climatology. Guess what you absolutely need to even think about constructing a forecast model? And guess what we don't have? Go ahead, guess. Rhymes with scatology.

Not that we haven't tried. For thousands of years now. YUP. Loooonnng time to have nothin but a big ol' dragon egg to show for it (dragon egg makes the shape of a zero, by the way, in case you didn't catch that. Also dragon eggs don't exist so there's a double metaphor for you, you're welcome).

OH BUT SENTIO, WHY NO CLIMO? Let me count the reasons 1) Tiber Septim. 2) Tiber Septim. 3) Tiber Septim.

Okay so it's summer in Tamriel and guess what that means? Oh wait you wouldn't know because you have no idea about upper level windflow but still think that you have the right to criticize my forecasting skillz. The windflow is going to be zonal, there, I answered it for you. You're welcome.

Guess that means we can expect quite a bit of moist air advection from the Abeacan Sea, right? Some nice afternoon thunderstorms along the coastal regions? Right?

Well, if you live in Cyrodiil, who knows? Do you have any idea what happens to climo data, global temperatures, AND downstream weather patterns when you eliminate a massive jungle that occupies the ENTIRE CENTRAL region of the landmass? Remember that Falkreath Central Regime that was building up along the Jerall Mountains? Guess what was going to happen once it spilled over? Who cares? Not Tiber Septim!

It's not like Tiber Septim's the only one. ALMSIVI flooding an entire region of Morrowind? What about that rock that hung around forever? Who knows what kind of effect that had on the surround weather patterns. OH but wait, it crashed into the ground and blew up a volcano. Hooray! Another statistical spike to trash my climo averages. Thank you!

Want to take a wild stab as to how accurate historical weather observations were during saayyy the Warp in the West? Every single surface observation is in direct contradiction to every other surface ob. Sorry but when I look back and see BKN007CB and then SKC for the exact same time and date, I might as well have no data.

Oh let's not even talk about the Marukhati Selective. 1008 years of trash data. All we've got are lunar phases from the Khajiit? The timestamps are out of order on every single ob, some of these dates are in the wrong format, and some of these dates can't possibly exist! Is this a joke? It's absolutely intolerable and I refuse to be held responsible for inaccuracies that are beyond my control and comprehension.

Wait a minute. I have a report from you guys. I think you labeled it "Important Climatology Report." Yes, very important. Official. Very report. Let's look through it, shall we?

OOOooooo. Oh jeez. We've got just a whole lot of data on file here. Oh yes. Very informative. Hmmmmm. Yes. Oh my, looks like there used to be a LOT of thunderstorms across ALL of Tamriel. Yup, right out of nowhere a thunderstorm would kick off and pound an entire region. Then a bunch of weird strangers would show up and the thunderstorm would magically end. Huh. Kinda weird. Yes definitely some useful garbage right there.

That's the most recent historical geological survey your office sent me! Are you kidding me? I threw it away! That kind of trash comes in on a regular basis.

Let's go over the kind of weather briefs you request:

"Temp forecast for Alik'r." Actual request. Ignoring vague nature, let's go ahead and explore what happened: I spent 45min explaining to one of your lieutenants the temperature trends in Alik'r and approaching heatwaves during the deployment cycle of your troops. I believe I specifically used the term "record shattering highs." And STILL, my office received complaints because the battlemages frost spells seemed to be "less effective than usual."

Do I really need to explain how the weather will impact specific spells? What do you teach battlemages these days? I don't have a magical bone in my body, but if I did, and I was fighting in Alik'r, I'd use...FIRE SPELLS? Maybe something with water in it if I'm trying to deny enemy movement? The ground out there doesn't exactly absorb water in the most efficient manner. Don't you guys have training for this?

Here's another: "Wave heights for Niben Bay." Actual request. My head is going to implode. Dates, maybe? Please? Also, which part? The ENTIRE bay? Is this some routine patrol, are you just sailing through to Topal Bay? When are you coming back?

The most reasonable request I ever got from your office was submitted by an insane Telvanni wizard who wanted to know cloud heights and wind speeds at 300mb. He mentioned attempting another flight spell.

Ugh. Look, meteorology isn't magic, okay? You want a 100% accurate weather forecast? Read an Elder Scroll. They already denied my petition to start training a few monks to glean weather data. Maybe you'll have better luck.

Sentio OUT.

Respectfully,

Sentio Cucerto

Imperial Meteorologist