Hello it seems that the people did not like The Lone Wanderer so I decided to make this right from the top of my head and I hope you like it. It is basically the story of a sick and twisted insane individual.

Prologue

The Door to the house slowly opened and Martin entered silently the knife he was holding had stains of blood all over it and his hoodie and blue jeans were almost completely stained red, his hands were wrinkly and cut up, his face was scared and dirty he was a complete wreck. Martin slowly crept up the stairs knife in hand and ready to kill, Martin stayed close to the side of the stairs that was closet to the wall so it would prevent the creeks from the stairs. Martin reached the top and looked in the rooms for people to kill, he found a woman she looked to be in her twenties she had golden blonde hair and red lips she was gorgeous to bad she wouldn't be around much longer. Martin pulled out a notebook and a pencil from his hoodie pocket and started to write down a description of his victim, he did this with everybody he killed so he would always have the memories of his work.

Martin slowly crept up to the woman's head and slowly put the knife to her throat the cold steel touched her skin and her eyes shot open she went to scream but Martin pushed down on the knife and pulled towards himself, the cut on her throat and started to drain all her blood. A small smile grew on Martins face and he started to chuckle, yet another successful kill. His night was over.

Please be extreme I need the advice oh and give your opinion on Martin.

I think this is a Fan Fic, not an RP.

I'm sure it's because Josh here is so used to posting RP's, right? Haha.
I'll have to wait until I can critique this, Josh. So I'll wait for some more chapters/installments.

Josh, just take a chill on creating anything. Gather your ideas together, and write them down somewhere. Don't start brashly making Rps and Fan Fics. Like I suggested, just deal with the Rps your in so far. Pace and balance are what you need to do. Pace yourself in how many Rps, and fan fics you make. And balance that out with some creating and joining. But don't over do it. You'll just end up spamming, which seems to be your doing lately. You just come up with ideas, and then give up on them to early. That in other words could be considered spamming.

This sounds like it would make a good facnfic. If it were an RP. I am assiming it would be a mission for the characters to find and kill him? Or did you have something else in mind? I do like that Martin is a sick twisted psycho. Hey, I like those kind of characters. I am curious if Martin kills for a reason, more like a serial killer, or if he's a true sociopath and does it because it's fun. It could be a good idea but I would need to have more details about how the charcters are incorporated into Martin's world. Are they sent to kill him? Do they stimble into a town, where he's the only living inhabitant?

Yes it is a Fan Fic and Comedian is right.

Yes you are right I am so used to it... I fell like a noob.

Well I guess but I am only in one active RP right now which is Marshal and I am sticking to this idea and if I do not I will hate myself.

Yeah this is a fan fic just a mistake lol.
And alot will be explained through out the first few chapters.

Well just make sure you do stick with it. Because if you don't. I'm sure most will just consider it spam, and that you've spammed up the forum for almost the entire day with failed ideas. At least make them go somewhere, and something like that.

One thing I think you really need to do is just focus on one thing at a time. Stop giving up on stuff and stick with it. If it has problems in the beginning, make changes. Don't give up. If you spread yourself out and keep moving from one project to the next, you will never complete anything. That's just my advice.

Josh, you need to use commas, or your sentence are just a bunch of run-ons. Here use this one as an example.

"The Door to the house slowly opened and Martin entered silently the knife he was holding had stains of blood all over it and his hoodie and blue jeans were almost completely stained red, his hands were wrinkly and cut up, his face was scared and dirty he was a complete wreck."

Read that without pausing a single time until you get to the comma, and that's what it's written like. It's hard to judge the quality of a fan fiction, if there's barely any punctuation. Here, I'll change that sentence to make it have proper punctuation.

"The Door to the house slowly opened, and Martin entered silently. The knife he was holding had stains of blood all over it, and his hoodie and blue jeans were almost completely stained red. His hands were wrinkly and cut up, and his face was scarred and dirty. He was a complete wreck."

I have edited the title for Josh so it reads correctly



Constructive criticism is not just a few word post, it is one that also suggests ways in which it be put right. If you are not able to do that then just don't post.

So guys let's get back to discussing the fan fic, not what Josh should be posting - or not, and the moderators are the ones who decide on whether something is spam.

I would have to agree with this, try using the comma a lot more so it doesn't seem as rushed; or to create suspence. One example is when he brings the knife to her throat, then the blade touches her neck. Separating those two events with a comma would (in my opinion) enhance that sentance a lot.

Thank you Rohugh!

Chapter 1

Martin was pleased with his kill and searched the house for caps and food; he had found a safe that contained one hundred caps. Martin was done with this house and he was in such a good mood that he decided to hit another house on his way home.

12 years earlier.........

"No please don't" Martin said as he cowered in the corner.

"Ha ha beg for your life scum!" The Raider yelled. The Raider lifted his knife and something took over Martin, he bolted up from the ground and wrestled the Raider to the ground and grabbed his knife the Raider grabbed the hand that was holding the knife and tried to push it away but Martin overpowered the Raider and pushed the knife down into his chest. The Raider screamed in pain tried to push Martin off of him but died while in the middle of it. Martin started to feel good and realized that killing this man made him feel better than he had felt in a long time.

Present time......

Martin walked down the street looking for houses that had no lights on he walked for a few more minutes and came to a small metal shack that had no light coming from the window. Martin circled the house looking for other entrances and found an old cellar door that had a lock on it. The lock was old and rusty and could be easily broken with a rock and some force. A rock was nearby and Martin grabbed it and smashed it against the lock. The lock broke open and Martin opened the old cellar door, Marin jumped into the cellar and landed on the ground silently. He observed the room and saw stains of blood all over and mutilated body parts, 'what in the hell?' thought Martin. Could this have been a fellow killer? Martin did not know but who ever this person was he or she was just as insane as himself.

Chapter 2 - Part 1

Martin walked up the stairs in the cellar slowly and opened the door he could see a person in the corner and a pool of blood coming from him, Martin grabbed his knife and looked around the room he saw a huge man wearing a hockey mask and wielding a machete.

"Who the hell are you?" the man yelled.

"Martin Jones who are you?" Martin yelled.

"Jason Vor Hees, and why the [censored] are you in my house!" Jason yelled.

"I was trying to find some food for I am poor and cannot afford anything" Martin lied.

"Well that is the last time you will ever break and enter!" Jason yelled, he ran at martin machete in hand and swung it with full force at Martins neck but Martin saw this and ducked and pushed his knife into Jason's stomach. Jason dropped the machete and let out a grunt and fell to the ground, Martin assumed the man was dead and took his machete; Martin recorded the man's description in his notebook and left the house.

With another successful kill or so he thought Martin returned to his shack on the outskirts of Troit which was what people called Detroit these days. Martin's house was horrible there were blood stains all over the bed and there were old stained and ripped jackets all over the ground and notebooks and notebooks of his kills.

lol. A guy with a hockey mask named Jason. Original >_>

Well, his name was Jason Voorhees, and he had a machete. It's not unoriginal when it's a direct reference
Anyway, I like it so far, Josh. Just try to add more commas; remember, there's either a comma or period after a change of thought.

The chapters are way too short, they need to be longer so you can add more detail and develop your character/s futher.

Yes I know my originality is absolutley briliant!

Thank you Comedian for the advice ! and yes Jason Vor Hees has a hockey mask and machette!
Well yeah your right but I was sorta going for a short story Fan Fic

I think you should really slow it down a bit. There short(even if it's a short story) and lacking detail. Also, I'm having a hard time phrasing it, they seem dislocated, like your just jumping around. You should really give depth to your story and character. Your character is a murderer, and that's basically it. You have a short reason basically stating he enjoys killing, if he does like it so much, why didn't he seemed so pleasured when killing Jason? You think if your character enjoys killing so much that he shudders with pleasure at the killing, but nothing. It's obviously been stated, but you have a serious problem with run ons. I'm not trying to be rude, it is one of the biggest grammatical errors people have, but it's ruining the story. Last has tried to help you with this, but it seems that it's still a challenge to you. So I recommend you get something like open office, it will advise you when you have run ons and will really help you. Seriously. I'm having a hard time try to explain the errors to you, but basically, you need to really re read it and correct those run ons, and make the chapters longer. That would be an excellent start.

As I have allways told you Josh, punctuation and commas. Everyone gives the same advice. Either re-read it and edit, or get open office or some other program. I would advise doing it yourself to make it a habit, but either way works.

Well I cannot get any of those programs because they cost money and that is one thing I do not have which [censored] svcks ! Excuse my french lol. But I will try to improve my grammar and punctuation!

I understand man, I never get money except at christmas(and only twenty dollars then) That's why I always say Open Office, it's free and like Microsoft word. It tells you when you have a run on or fragment and then you can fix this. Since your doing it yourself(I don't know any program that actually fixes run ons) you'll build a nice habit with run ons.

You don't need Open Office, or any Word style programs, just read over your work.

Sometimes it's good to have a Word style writing program. Then if you misspell a word or something, it can catch it for you. (That is, if you don't already know how to spell the word.)

Yeah, that's true. But I already have spell check when I go to write, so I just assumed everyone does :shrug:

Chapter 2 Part 2

Martin awoke from his bed and picked up his knife, he opened his fridge and all that was in there was some old Mole Rat meat and a Nuka Cola. Martin grabbed the Nuka Cola popped the cap open and put it in his Cabinet which was full of Bottlecaps, Martin took a gulp of his Nuka Cola and then took another he repeated this until it was empty and then threw it against the wall, the glass bottle exploded and shards of glass flew across the room.

Martin opened the door to four men three of which were in Combat armor and weilding Laser Rifles and one was Jason. JASON? WHAT? I THOUGHT? WHAT!

"You tried to kill me! But you see freak I have freinds! SHOOT HIM BOYS!" Jason yelled.

One of the three Combat Armored men shot Martin in the stomach and Martin colapsed to the ground, the three Combat Armored men turned to Jason and one of them spoke.

"Jason? Are you telling me that that guy over there is a cerial killer who has killed hundreds of people only used a knife and he still beat you?" He asked.
"Well yes but he got me off guard now shut up! I'm not paying you to talk!" Jason yelled.
"Yeah well we are not working for you anymore I think we got ourselves a new partner" the Combat Armored man replied.
"What are you gu-"

Jason could not finish his sentence the three men opened fire on Jason and shot there Laser Rifles into him so much he turned to ash. The three men walked up to Martin and injected a StimPack into the wound, they lifted Martin up and walked over to there Jeep and put him in the back, they started the Jeep up and drove South they left Troit and were on there way to Madison.

((Yes I know this chapter was short and probably not worth the wait but I have to go to school soon so I wrote this up real quick and as you can see Martin will no longer be just a murderer but his job will still start with M))