I had an extra endif in my code.
But, it wasn't your every day, ordinary, extra endif. It was in a 500 line segment of code that is very endify. I searched and searched, and I couldn't find that extra endif. But I knew it was there, and it was screwing my code.
Finally I was like, ugh, I can't take it any more! and I went to www.cipscis.com and put the script into Cipscis' script validator.
And it found it!!!!
Yay for the cipscis script validator! http://www.cipscis.com/fallout/utilities/validator.aspx
The End