Gears' Story

The Beast's Introduction



"Its...Its so pretty!"

"Yes, it's georgeous.".

"I wonder how man-". He was cut off by a dagger to the back of the head, ripping through the skull and going to the center of the brain.

I put the steel blade knife in my boot, and put my pants leg over it, concealing the weapon, but not before taking off one of his fingers.

I didn't know what the contract was for, but I didn't ask questions. Questions usually mean trouble, and the last thing I need is a hitman knocking down hmy door. All I knew was that the Argonian loved looking at the frozen lake, and drinking merlot, too. I also knew that said Argonian was now baking in the sun, dead.

It was a long walk back to the city. I didn't mind, though, I was getting paid more than usual this time. The cobblestone streets were a bit slippery, and the canols were all frozen up, so no fish would be on sale for a while.

I banged on Skipper's door. The bastard usually waited a whole two minutes to answer it, and this time was no different. He answered the door, "Yes, sir, can I help you?". He pretended not to know me.

"Uhh, yes, I got the bread you needed.". I held up the bag containing the finger. He took it.

"Thank you, here is you're pay." Now I know someone wouldn't get paid sixty sepitems for bread delivery, but nobody was watching, and if they did, they shouldn't be eavesdropping anyway.

He closed the door and I continued my way to the other side of town. The poor side of town.

I opened the gate, to see children playing in the street, about six chickens spread out all around, and the beggars and bums napping in their makeshift homes or sitting around fires, drinking.

I knew where my house was by heart, as most people do. One of the three boards blocking the broken window was handing loose. I should fix that soon. I went up stairs and got into clothes that the commoners would wear. No shoes, some scratchy shirt, and soft, but worn out pants.

I went on the balcony and sat on my chair, which gave me a good view of what the city dwellers were doing, unsuspecting.

It was my city, but they didn't know it, yet.

Chapter One: Thugs, Part One


This town is a slum, and thats why I live here. Slums happen by crime, and crime usually happens by criminals, and criminals want money or power. And I had to give it to them if I wanted them on my side. I didn't have much money, but I could get it, but it would have to have a sacrafice.

I walked to Skippers house. You see, the city is separtated into four parts. The Old Town, where I live, the Castle district, where the guards and obviously the castle is, the Town Square, where the bridges, shops, docks, and middle class citizens live, then the Rich Side, where Skipper lives.

Walking with no shoes in the snow is horrible, but whatever made me look like a bum, the better.

His house was in sight, and I was tightly gripping the blade in my pocket.

I threw a rock at the window on the left side of his house, and waited for him to go check it out. I slowly opened the door, and closed it quietly.

I walked up behind Skipper, and took out my blade. I grabbed him and pulled him back, struggling to bring the blade to his neck. He threw me off, and I fell on a chair, hitting my head, "What the- Gears?".

"Yeah, its me. And a certain Khajiit is about to die.". I rammed him in the gut and knocked him down. Quickly, I grabbed his legs and flung him down stairs, to his basemant. I walked down and finished it, with a blade through the eyes.

I walked up his stairs and looked through the house, taking anything that could incriminate me. The rock I threw, a diary containing pages of his assasins, and other things. Now, I bet you're thinking about me taking the finger of the dead Argonian I gave him. No, that wouldn't work.

If they found the body, then the finger in his house, they would think maybe a family member killed him instead of telling the guards.

I walked up into his bedroom, and found his stash of money. Three thousand and one gold.

The one gold was angering me, so I left it there, in the middle of his bed.

Just read the introduction (which wasn't much of one).

Story was meh, really. The story is very wordy as well, and not in a good way. It also used many commas, a lot of them incorrectly. Here's an example of the wordiness I'm talking about:



Waaay too wordy, and the commas aren't used correctly anyway. The first one shouldn't even be there. Here, I'll give you an example of a better way to write it:



I mixed up the choice of words too, mostly because your narration is void of good description. I'm not saying mine is great, but it's not as boring. Don't be so monotone with your narration. First person is a great way to be descriptive, so make good use of it.

EDIT: And the beginning assassination was too vague. Who was the person talking to? The killer? I had to reread that part several times and I'm still not clear on what happened.

OK...

First, grammar and spelling. BSparrow is on, she might beat me to it. Gotta hurry...

Thank you, here is you're pay

It should be : "Thank you - here is your money"

You PAY for a service, but you give MONEY for goods. The contract giver is supposedly trying to disguise his contract, but the word 'pay' at the end gives the game away!

A few other mistakes, but that's OK. It's this one that's jarring.

More on your style later...

But first, a question to you. Have you read the novels of Raymond Chandler?

So far, it looks like we've got the makings of an assassin fanfic. Am I right? The main character is either an assassin, or is going to become some sort of avenger, right?

If that is the case, my advice to you is to tread carefully. Assassins are cool, and can be very compelling characters, full of drama and internal conflict. However, they are also saddled with a lot of cliches that, when handled poorly, often bog the story down.

To avoid creating an uber killer, make sure your character has flaws to offset any killing sprees. So far, you're doing okay with that: he's poor right now, and apparently procrastinates (the window was a nice touch). Just follow through on that stuff. Keep him human. Make him a character who happens to be an assassin, not an assassin who happens to be a character.

I'd also like a bit more explanation over what, exactly, is going on. I'm not entirely sure why he killed either of these people. I understand that the first was apparently part of some sort of deal with the second... but I'm unclear as to what sort of deal that is. Is he a known mercenary or assassin? If so, why does he live in a poor hovel?

I spotted a couple odd spellings (didn't "georgeous" show up on spellcheck?) and word swaps, but not enough to really come down on you on. Just make sure you reread your story (out loud, if possible) before you post it, to help catch typos and other such mistakes. At the very least, run it through a spellcheck... it's easier to read a story if it's not dusted with mechanical errors.

So far, you've got the makings of a character and a conflict that could be very interesting. Be a bit more clear in the future as to what's going on, and it will be a very compelling story. Good luck. :goodjob: