The Last Elder Scroll

Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:34 pm

Well if you didn't see my thread that I made earlier, I'll just fill you in. I'm doing a 'what if?' story about the Oblivion invasion. This is my interpretation of what would have happen if Dagon succeeded. I've tried to explain everything to the best of my ability but I just want you all to keep in mind, I'm far from an expert on lore. If you have any criticisms, questions or just comments, don't hesitate to post them. This is only the prologue, enjoy. :)

The Last Elder Scroll

Prologue

This is the 27th of the Last Seed; the year is 100, in the 4th era. One hundred years ago, the war between realms began. Not much is known about the beginning of the invasion, many records and lives were lost in those opening months and years. Some say that there was a champion but he or she was killed trying to stop the invasion. Others maintain the hope that a champion will come along. The rest don’t believe there ever was, or ever will be a champion. The only evidence is provided by word of mouth, and even that is sketchy at the best of times.

What the people do know is that the Emperor was unable to light the Dragon fires, for an unknown reason. With that, the gate between the realms of Oblivion and Nirn were opened. The Daedra were able to amass an attack from within the Imperial City, this wasn’t the first blow to the people of Cyrodiil but it was the final. A great gate was summoned right next to the Temple of the One. Once again, the details are sketchy, some say that Mythic Dawn agents slipped into the city and summoned the great gate; others say the gates just appeared out of thin air.

When the great gate opened, vast amounts of Daedra poured through and overwhelmed the guards. The lines between the two realms blurred and Dagon himself, crossed through the gate and into Tamriel. Dagon delivered the final blow and managed to destroy the White Gold Tower, which stood in the centre of the Imperial City. Dagon and his minions laid waste to what was left of the Imperial City.

From there, the seemingly invincible army of Lord Dagon spread throughout the Empire. One by one the cities of Cyrodiil fell to his armies. Reduced to smoking ruins and blackened corpses. Within ten years, the whole of Cyrodiil was under Dagon’s control. He then set out to conquer the rest of Tamriel. It’s taken him one hundred years, but Tamriel is almost his; although it’s still unclear which cities stand and which have fallen. The people only know that the battle for Tamriel is almost over, that is because the Daedra are making the slaves build ships for them. They plan to set sail and conquer the whole of Nirn.

Once the heart of the great Imperial Empire, Cyrodiil now lies in ruins. The land scarred and burnt, its people are either dead or enslaved. The land, once lush and full of life, has been changed, slowly but surely. When an oblivion gate appeared, there was an immediate change to the surrounding area. The grass around it died, revealing a scorched earth. Huge black spikes stemmed from the ground, with blood red tips. Fire surrounded the gate along with burnt out trees. Plants from the realm of Oblivion began to grow around the gates. Bloodgrass, Harrada Root, and Spiddal Stick. The sky itself began to turn from a perfect light blue, to a chaotic red. The sky filled with what looked like cracks, all different shades of a dark red and black. It almost appeared as if it had turned to lava.

Like an infectious disease, the effect of the Oblivion gates began to spread. It was a slow transformation, but after one hundred years, the differences between the plane of Oblivion and Cyrodiil were almost non existent. The captured slaves worked to build spires and monuments, to Dagon and his minions. The slaves had been split into different groups, according to their race. Slaves are considered important by the Daedra as they provide a useful work force.

The Nords and the Orcs were been placed together and are the main labour force. This was because the two races were believed to be the strongest out of all them. Their main camp is located in the ruins of the Imperial City, which is now a huge factory capable of mass producing weapons, armour and war machines.

The Bretons were used for their healing abilities. They were placed in small healing camps situated around the camps of the other slaves. They’re used by the Daedra to heal injured workers and to stop infection and diseases among the slaves.

The use of magic was outlawed by the Daedra and anyone caught using it would be put to death, instantly. There are a few exceptions to the rule as the Breton’s use healing magic. Since the elves were known for their magic, they were all rounded up together. The Dunmer, Altmer and the Bosmer, were rounded up and taken away and every so often they would make a rare appearance. It is believed that the Dunmer are used to help create powerful destruction spells and the Bosmer are used for making powerful potions. The Altmer are kept under strict guard, as the Daedra believe they are the smartest and the most talented wielders of magicka. They aren’t allowed to see the light of day. It is unknown why they are kept alive.

The Argonians and Khajiits have all but disappeared. During the first decade, the Argonians and Khajiits were seen as an impure race. Every other race was looked down upon by the Daedra but these two races were by far the worst off. They were all rounded up and taken away. Since then, they have never been seen; it’s unclear if they even still exist.

Finally, the Imperials and Redguards. Both were looked on upon as being the average race. Both races were considered to be talented warriors, they were also strong, physically and mentally; both races were also talented in the ways of Magicka. Some Imperials and Redguards can be found in the factories, but it’s not common. Usually they are used to help cart the weapons and armour. Although they are never directly taken to the front line of the battle, they were usually met at the Cyrodillic border, by more slaves. Their largest camp is found at the ruins of Anvil, where they are required to build a mass fleet.

This is where our story begins, in the heart of Tamriel. There are rumours traveling around the camps. There is a resistance forming, to the north, where Bruma once stood. They say there is hope. The Daedra claim that Nirn was once just another realm of oblivion owned by Mehrunes Dagon but they were over thrown by the slaves. The resistance believes it can be done again.

This is the story of a slave that goes by the name of Jak and the story of the Last Elder Scroll.
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BrEezy Baby
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:05 pm

This hooked me right away so good job.

Now there are a few points that I staggered as I read but nothing that stopped me from understanding the story.

My advice is to read it aloud, if you stumble over a section so will anyone else trying to read it.

And one more thing although this may just be a pet peeve of mine.

Most of the sentences especially near the end start with; the, there, they or this.

There is an overload of similar sentence beginnings. In my opinion this hurts the flow however someone will probably come along and tell me I'm wrong.
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~Sylvia~
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:41 am

First off, glad to see you decided to do this. It was an excellent read, with pretty much all the errors I found being issues in grammar. And me being the grammar nazi I am, I'm going to point a few of these out to you for future reference. I'm sure someone :cough: BSparrow :cough: can come around and give you a much more detailed criticism than I possibly could.

Okay, let's see...

Well, the first issue I see is with commas and your placement of them. It could use a bit of work, I think, as there are many places where there could be one, but isn't, and vice versa. That's probably your biggest mistake here for me, which should be saying something. On another note, I'd say there are several places where your commas could be replaced by the good old semi-colon. Another issue is on the matter of capitalization, or rather the lack thereof in some cases. For instance, Mythic Dawn and Empire should both be capitalized.

Also, there are certain sentences you had that changed from past to present tense just for that one sentence, which really threw me off.

Something here as well:

The sky itself began to turn from a perfect sky blue, to a chaotic red. The sky filled with what looked like cracks, all different shades of a dark red and black. It almost appeared as if the sky had turned to lava.


Me personally, I don't like the way you used sky four times here. My advice would be to find an alternative to use, as the repetition here threw me off as well.

Well, that's about it for me, though I will say I find your choice of name in Jak to be very interesting.
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Andrew Perry
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 11:25 am

The sky itself began to turn from a perfect sky blue, to a chaotic red. The sky filled with what looked like cracks, all different shades of a dark red and black. It almost appeared as if the sky had turned to lava.

Me personally, I don't like the way you used sky four times here. My advice would be to find an alternative to use, as the repetition here threw me off as well.


I dislike that sentence as well

The word it can be used to replace a noun most of the time.

Replace the word sky with it maybe
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Taylrea Teodor
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:19 am

Thanks for the reply guys. Commas are by far my weakest point when it comes to writing, I am trying really hard to improve and I'll try fix those up later. I'm also not sure when a semi-colon is needed and when a comma is not. I'm glad you guys liked the plot and I'll try and fix up those sentences later this afternoon. Thanks for the feedback :)

Edit: Oh and I picked up the name of Jak, while searching through the UESP wiki website. Not off another game.
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Eric Hayes
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:49 am

I followed your previous thread investigating this possibility. I'm glad you tried it. This was easy to read, nicely set the stage and left me interested to see what happens next.

Keep going! :foodndrink:
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amhain
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:17 am

Thanks for the reply guys. Commas are by far my weakest point when it comes to writing, I am trying really hard to improve and I'll try fix those up later. I'm also not sure when a semi-colon is needed and when a comma is not. I'm glad you guys liked the plot and I'll try and fix up those sentences later this afternoon. Thanks for the feedback :)

Edit: Oh and I picked up the name of Jak, while searching through the UESP wiki website. Not off another game.



Ah, don't sweat it about commas. It's something a lot of people (Myself included.) have issues with.

As for semicolons. Well... I'll just take a bit from wikipedia, as I'm pretty terrible at clearly explaining these things.

Between closely-related independent clauses not conjoined with a coordinating conjunction:
"I went to the swimming pool; I was told it was closed for routine maintenance."
"A man chooses; a slave obeys."

Between independent clauses linked with a transitional phrase or a conjunctive adverb: "I like to eat cows; however, I don't like to be eaten by them."

Between items in a series or listing containing internal punctuation, especially parenthetic commas, where the semicolons function as serial commas:
"She saw three men: Donald, who came from New Zealand; John, the milkman's son; and George, a gaunt kind of man."
"Several fast food restaurants can be found in each of London, England; Paris, France; Dublin, Ireland; and Madrid, Spain."
"Examples of familiar sequences are: one, two, and three; a, b, and c; and first, second, and third."

And as to Jak, the reason I found it interesting is because the first thing that comes to mind (Or mine, anyway.) is Springheel Jak.
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herrade
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:28 pm

Snippified cause I don't a massive post.

(sorry ambrose if I'm repeating what you said I just wanted to clarify cause I didn't fully understand you)

I remember hearing that bassically a semi-colon can be used where both sides could be an independent sentence but aren't for the purpose of flow.

Thats the general rule of thumb I use and I've never been wrong when I followed that rule, however when I forget my own rule I butcher the whole semi-colon concept...
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Krystina Proietti
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:26 am

(sorry ambrose if I'm repeating what you said I just wanted to clarify cause I didn't fully understand you)

I remember hearing that bassically a semi-colon can be used where both sides could be an independent sentence but aren't for the purpose of flow.

Thats the general rule of thumb I use and I've never been wrong when I followed that rule, however when I forget my own rule I butcher the whole semi-colon concept...



Yes, that's generally it. Like I said, I've never been very good at giving clear explanations. I tend to forget semicolons, actually, unless I go over something I've written multiple times.

Good to see you back by the way, Nilloc. :)
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Sara Johanna Scenariste
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:55 am

Alright, well I've just gone through and edited some bits. Hopefully it seems more fluent and I've fixed my mistakes. There are still probably more though. I've even put a couple semi colons here and there. I also fixed that sky sentence and a couple of others. Thanks for the advice guys.

Edit: The name was taken from a person in oblivion called Jak Silver, he has something to do with the Dunbarrow Cove quest. Also thanks Francois! I'm glad you came back.
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Veronica Martinez
 
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Post » Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:17 am

I'm glad you ended up doing this, it seems that the rumors are true, the TES Fan Fic section is much more helpful and welcoming then... Well.. You know what I'm talking about. It seems that the flow works, even though there are a few commas that aren't completely needed, even if I overuse them as well. Great story, you MUST continue, I look forward to the next chapter... (Oh and thanks for convincing me to come back)
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Bek Rideout
 
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