Prologue

Vault Thirteen was his home, his life, his family. That would all change tomorrow afternoon, when he would discover what the ruins of California are really like. They called him, Stephen. He was a sixteen-year-old kid, who was smart and charismatic, but rather physically weak. His aim with a pistol was superb, he knew first-aid, and how to get people to think he was telling the truth.

"Greetings residents of Vault Thirteen, this is the Overseer speaking," the intercom buzzed. "Tomorrow, the following residents must come to my office, Stephen Smith, Max Stone, Natalia, and Albert." Stephen rose a brow that he would have to meet with the Overseer tomorrow, along with his girlfriend, one of the vault's thugs, and the vault's lawyer. He sipped his nuka-cola, until not a drop remained then he shoved it into one of the garbage cans.

Hastily, the young Mr. Smith went to bed after he finished his dinner and let the blankets consume him. Within minutes sleep had taken control of his mind. When he awoke, the intercom buzzed oncemore, "The names mentioned yesterday, please report to my office on level three immediately." Hastily he put on his jumpsuit and headed for the elevator. He pressed the button with a "3" on it and down he went. The elevator quickly went down and opened its steel doors. Carefully he walked over to a door labeled "Overseer's Office" and entered.

Overseer Jacoren frowned as he saw the others walk in. "Sadly, our waterchip has broken and one of you must go out and get us another one, there is one in Vault 15." We all gasped (except Max) at the thought of no pure water left. Natalia started to shake with fear, while Albert just stood there in shock. Max just stood there, too stupid to know what no pure water meant due to an accident when he was a baby.

Stephen raised his hand, "I'll go." Once again, Natalia and Albert gasped. The Overseer nodded and opened a chest behind his desk. Natalia kissed Stephen, knowing it might be the last time they got to see each other. Finally Overseer Jacoren handed him a ten millimeter pistol with forty-eight JPR-bullets, two stimpacks, and a knife. The young teenager, Mr. Smith was unaware of what would happen once he left the vault, he didn't expect to survive long, but he loved Natalia so much he wouldn't take the risk of her going...

This sentence doesn't exactly make sense, but I know what you're trying to get across. Perhaps this instead;



You also changed perspective at;



Instead of;



Other than a few minor mistakes, the writing in general is of a good quality. As for the story, I can't really comment, it just seems to be following the plotline of Fallout 1 so far, but I assume (and hope) you're going to change, or develop it, maybe even throw in some twists. Good luck Zalphon.

I plan to throw some twists, turns, etc. We'll get to meet Uncle Jim the Friendly Super Mutant, just kidding.

Read it, didn't notice any mistakes and story wise I can't say much, I just don't think I'll be suprised. On another note, I think It's kinda odd how you give us a S.P.E.C.I.A.L. sheet and a skill sheet in the first paragraph. Maybe to show that he was a bad*** with a pistol you could have started it out by him shooting a BB pistol at targets and hitting each one in the dead center. Or something I don't really know, It just seemed kinda lame to give a full loadout of what he's good at in the first paragraph, even if it was in words.

Other than that, good writing! I just hope you can make it interesting.

Chapter One: Lost In The Wastes

Stephen looked around and saw the beady little eyes of dozens of animals. He gripped his gun and shot. BANG! Suddenly one came running, it was small, but its sharp teeth bit into the Vault Dweller's leg. "Ouch," he cried out in agony. Mr. Smith shot two more rounds. BANG! BANG! Suddenly the little thing was pushed backwards by the impact of the bullet hitting its skull.

As he tried to walk over to it, he tripped on something. He looked back and there were bones, in a Vault 13 jumpsuit. "What the hell is this," he screamed in his mind. Near the ripped jumpsuit were some bullets and a knife which he shoved into his pack. Carefully he managed to stealthfully get past a few rats, but then a rat jumped out of nowhere and pierced his foot with its sharp incisors.

He let out a long speech of obscenities as he shot the rat. Suddenly the furry coat of the rat was bloody from a wound in the torso. Looking up ahead for the first time in his life, was sun light, natural light. With haste he ran, excited to get to explore the mysterious wasteland.

For hours he walked. With only a single flask of water in his inventory, he had to preserve it. Eventually the the flask was empty, and he was lost. The sun was setting and the predators were coming. A large roar was heard in the distance. Stephen found a hole that used to be a burrow for a large animal and went in. Outside he saw something that looked like a pre-war bear, but it was missing patches of fur and had blank eyes.

For hours he watched as the beast killed scorpions, something that looked like a pre-war mole rat, and two-headed red pre-war cows. Eventually exhaustion took its toll and he fell to sleep, unsure whether he would wake up in the morning. He was lost, afraid, and out of water in the Wasteland. His survival was slim at best...

Alight, just read it and here's what I found:

Eventually the the flask was empty - you used 'the' twice (duh)

Other than that, using stuff like BANG and POW (onomonopea is what it's called I think) isn't really my style. Good post though, just kinda waiting to be suprised.

Yao-Guai wasn't even surprising?

Lol, I Guess I was to accustomed to the Yao Gui to be suprised. My idea for a 'suprise' is maybe add some new enemies, new places, and maybe even as a interesting ender to the story have the main character be abducted by mother ship zeta. Or have the character fail at the Mainstory, one that was a game ender, I played FO1 earlier today (because damn FO3 has been crashing my computer) so I can think of a couple things to change with the main quest.

I am trying to stick to lore as much as possible. If I do add creatures they will be possible to exist in the FO Universe (no orcs, elves, dragons, etc.) more like Rad-Wolf, Rad-Tiger, Rad-Lion, Etc. And new places? New cities, I can do, but not new countries or universes.

Yeah, by new places I was just saying like maybe another 'Shady Sands' style of village or another raider camp, I only remember there being one raider encampment in all of FO1. And new creatures, I wouldn't even dare think of adding any TES style monsters. I just meant maybe something like a ghoulified dog, for some reason you never see any of those.

Its looking pretty good so far. :celebration: I have never played the original fallout games so i cant really suggest much other than to use the vault wiki for any research it sure helped me a lot with my fan fic !