Escape from point lookout

This is a story of one man trying to escape from the hell of point lookout, this is his story.
CHAPTER ONE

River Ingman was a part of a known group of mercs that had just done a dangerous mission to steal a enclave weapons, they got the weapons and stole a vertibird to escape the rest after that was history . The group was riding in the stolen vertibird over point lookout when their vertibird was hit by a missle fired by bandits. The pilot and team leader Ricky avern spoke to th group.


"GUYS WE AREE GOING DOWN WE ARE GOING DOWN PREPAIR FOR INPACKET"He yelled

The vertibird hit the ground and shook all of point lookout. River climbed out of the wreckage only to see his teams body's all over the ground. The only other person alive was Rickey, he wasn't badly injured by the wreck and tried to help river but before he could give him his hand the bandit that shot the vertibird shot ricky in the head killing him in a instant.
"Well looks like we got a survivor but not for long but it was a good try "said the bandit

By then River was fading in and out of consciousness but the last thing he heard before he pasted out was the screams of the bandit and the laughs that sounded like hillbillies?

Eh....grammar and spelling. As far as story, I dont have enough to properly review it.

Yea sorry for the short chapter I promise the next one will be longer

Chapter two

River awoke in a small cage inside a dark basemant with rats scurrying around and the smell of a dead animal. A few seconds later the door to the basemant and a shadow of a man walked toward him, the closer he good made River let him see his face and it was not pretty. Half of his head was a lump the eyes were different sizes and his teeth looked like a bunch of smashed pebbles, then River knew that this man was a swamp folk.

"Look whose awake ha ha, well we are going to have a good time with you aren't we" Said the swamp folk

River didn't answer he was too disoriented to even think strait let alone talk and even if he could think strait he wouldn't talk the mutant freak that took him prisoner. The swamp folk threw some mole rat meat in the cage. River took the meat and took a bite it was disgusting but it would be all he had to eat.

As the hours passed by he got to know his surroundings, there were other cages with dead bodies in them with teeth marks and ripped flesh from their bones leading River to assume that these monsters were going to have him for their next meal.

Another hour past by and another swamp folk, he looked very skinny and the somewhat looking face. The freak walked over to a table with an axe and two knives on it, it grabbed the two knifes of the table and took out a knife sharpener and started working on the knives. River noticed a key chain that looked like the key to the cage. He slowly grabbed the key from the mutant's belt and held it in his hands.

"You boy are going to be knowing these knifes a lot better soon" he said wile laughing manically

The swamp folk walked Back up the stairs and as soon as he closed the door River sprang up and unlocked the cage, he grabbed the axe and walked slowly up the stairs to the door and opened it with caution o they wouldn't hear him.

When River peered out the door there were only two of them the same two that came down those separate occasions. The two didn't know of Rivers presence so he walked slowly two one of them and swung his axe at its head severing it from its body. The other swamp folk ran to its bolt action rifle and tried to shoot river but he cut its arm of making it scream in pain and then he raised his axe in the air and slammed it down on the mutants head.

After River was done with the swamp folk he grabbed the rifle and some bullets and ran out the door looking around only to see he was in the deep swamp country.

Allrighty, story wise *meh* it's average, try making the fight scene last longer, by the time I realized I should be feeling that there was danger, it was already over.

On the grammer and spelling side... Proof read, there was alot wrong so i'll just give a few examples so you can fix the rest.

The pilot and team leader Ricky avern spoke to th group. - The pilot and team leader Ricky Avern spoke to the group.

Be sure to capitalize River's name all the time

Body's = Bodies

Remember punctuation! It's important, it makes your work look more experienced.

strait = straight

Again, to many punctuation, spelling, and grammer errors to list 'em all, try to profread and fix em on your own.

Remembering to punctuate at the end of the sentence is the main thing I saw that was wrong.

If you've got Word, you can always put it in there and check what suggestions it makes, but remember, always proof-read afterwards as well because Word doesn't always pick up everything (especially grammar mistakes) and sometimes it picks up things that are correct and changes them for no reason (well, I'm sure there's a reason, but not because it's wrong).

GUYS WE AREE GOING DOWN WE ARE GOING DOWN PREPAIR FOR INPACKET

Oh... wow man...

Prepare*

and

Impact*

I don't mean to sound rude, but for the love of god use word and your own knowledge to keep these mistakes from happening.

{Agrees with everyone else}

Thanks sannes for pointing that out when nobody else did wow thats going to help ne out alot man thanks

:thumbsdown:

{Agrees with Sannes}

In my opinion, what is more important than grammar and spelling is the story. I can understand what you're saying well enough, you should focus on the story more. It has potential, but its too short and to simple. Why would that swamp man just casually let himself get so close to River that he could just swipe the keys without the swamp guy noticing. Its just that River got out of a bad situation just like that.

Guys please dont be so rough on the poor guy........ But yeah it might be good to lengthen the action scenes a bit. Oh and add paragraphs between "cliff hangers"