my story

Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:17 pm

The Wasteland

The Wind howled though the landscape. A landscape not forged my nature but of man. The buildings like in a autumn breeze shead there leaves of concrete. The air did not smell of a perfume of autumn it smelt like death!

The sky was a constant grey in the captial DC, like a pencil etching out the white of paper. This was a new forest not of natures creation but of mans paronia and intelligance, for man had brought the world to the brink of annialation, future generations sought to right the wrongs of there ancestors. But to no avail the land perised the knowledge perished, the only weapon man had left was insinct.

Ferik closed the decrebid book. Dust from the pages scatterd his vision. Tucking the Book tightly to his chest he walked slowly to the window. Placing both hands on the window he let out a sigh.
A bird song scaterd the air. not of creation but of man made weapons. pressing against the outer most wall ferik began to load five shots into his hunting rifle.
Energy weapons and bullets began to converge on his position. Suddenly his dog began to bark.

Ferik tried frantikly to shut his canine up! pulling a combat knife from his shoe
he beckoned the dog over with some sailsbury steak. When the dog got in range ferik ripped out its throat.
the dog gasped for breath thrashing around. Ferik looked into the eyes of his dog and saw only compassion. Even after Ferik had slight his throught the dog loved him. Wipeing the blood from his jacket ferik hid in a wardrobe.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD ... a super mutant cried . Ferik cried as they dragged his dog away...
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Devils Cheek
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:31 am

lol :nono: Baaaaaad
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Brandi Norton
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 7:27 am

He....killed his dog?
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Danger Mouse
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 2:47 am

MWUAHAHAHAHAHA! :tops:
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Nymph
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 9:47 am

Someone needs to learn the meaning of "Loyalty"...that or clarify on "Survival". Last two sentences before the Super Mutant's entrance confuse me, why would you to show companionship to someone after they deliberately killed you to save themselves?
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Aaron Clark
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 7:05 am

why would you to show companionship to someone after they deliberately killed you to save themselves?


haha Because dogs don't think like humans?
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Stacyia
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:02 pm

haha Because dogs don't think like humans?


The "compassion" part confuses me a bit too...

You're story is okay man it's just a little cliche with the description of things including the word "autumn" in them, and killing the dog just wasn't cool...
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gemma king
 
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Post » Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:16 pm

I'll give you some constructive criticism

Overall I liked the story. The descriptions you gave were fairly good, better than I could have done anyway, and there was a great deal of desperation that I could feel from the main character.

However, your story is marred with some poor grammar as well as spelling errors. Even so it is a good start

Also, we have a fan fiction sub forum

So I'll ask for it to be move there (especially since it seems like this is only the first chapter that you are writing)

http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showforum=42
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^~LIL B0NE5~^
 
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