Chapter Two.
Closed throat.


Olwen had to quickly finish cleaning up the dishes, as the hour for the evening meal was close at hand. Olwen was the only cook at the inn, as Tyros was to stingy to pay for a second. As the five guests came down for their meal, many of them were loud and carrying on about "I can kill six Bears and a Mountain lion with my bare hands", a load of moronic cockiness. Telva was called over so that she could take their meal orders. Many of them looked like drinkers, so before anything he popped open a barrel of Ale and quickly put the tap in, if any of the Ale spilled, Tyros would have his pay, much worse than his head. The moment Telva had completed they orders she walked over to Olwen counter to tell him.

"Agh, Adventurers, disgusting pigs. Okay Olwen, I need five slabs of Mutton, 10 rounds of Ale, and three of the Mutton cooked with some Blackmarsh spice" She said.

Olwen quickly poured all the rounds of Ale before he started with the Mutton, he handed the Ale to Telva who had to make 2 trips to take all the Ale to them.
He cracked open the crate holding the Mutton, getting them ready to get cooked up. The crackling of the Mutton as it cooked reminded Olwen of the sound of lighting.
He had to look around in the spice cabinet to find the Blackmarsh spice, but sure enough he found it. He sprinkled some of the the spice on the Mutton.
When they were all done, he called Telva over to give them the food. As she brought them over one said "About damn time", the ungrateful man.

When they all started eating, it all seemed well, until one started choking. He was gasping and reaching for air, but it was useless, and his companions did not know what to do.
One knelt down to check his pulse, and it was official, he was dead. One of them went around the food his was eating, and thought of the cause of death.

"It was the cook, killed him with the spice he did, get him!"

After he said that the members gathered toward the kitchen window and door.

"There will be none of that, he died of his own hunger." someone said.

It was Tyros, the inn master and swordsman.

"Oh yeah, prove it, or we'll kill all of you!"

Tyros moved over to the table were they had all been eating and showed them there plates.

"As you can see, He ate his food at an alarming rate, and choked and his combo of Mutton and Ale, no murder, just low patience"

The adventurers backed of from the window and went up to there rooms, how they could sleep after that was beyond Olwen.

"Olwen I need to speak with you first thing in the morning, so head of to bed" Tyros said.

As Olwen went up the stairs, he thought about what would happen, Tyros will find a way to blame it on him.
The only thing he could do was wait until morning.

I once told a far better writer than me, BSparrow, that unmilked cows are a waste of opportunity.

By which I meant that as you write, certain situations occur - either planned or spontaneous - which will allow you to create strong emotions in the reader: sadness, fear, excitement, anticipation, and more, and singly, doubly, or a mixture of all at once!

A prime example is the situation where some adventurers are eating, and one has died choking.

There was a lot of potential in this scene - BUT...

You left nearly all that potential unused, like a gamer who enters a room full of money, weapons, ammunition, and hints for the next level. takes only one of them, and wanders out and away!

Let's see how it could have been improved.

When the five adventurers come in, it would have been a good idea to describe one of them - the one who is going to die by choking on his own food - as being a ravenously hungry and greedy pig. To make the reader think 'good riddance to that pig' you could also describe him as ugly and rude, with strong body odour and a habit of scratching his... crotch and ass...and perhaps even picking his nose! You could also use the opportunity to describe the other adventurers as not very bright intellectually - after all, they were pretty stupid, to think that after five of them were eating the same food and only one of them died, it had to be poison!

This is called 'setting the scene' for what is going to happen.

But you did NOT do that. The reader has no idea if your five adventurers are short, tall, dressed in leather or chainmail, are bearded or clean shaven, stink or don't stink, and their speech is only reported speech. I didn't hear any direct quotes from them.

Thus here was a missed opportunity.

And the death scene...how did he die? He starts choking, they all stand around, then his pulse is gone. How can the reader see how this greedy guts died?

That is one of the LAMEST descriptions of a death scene I have ever seen. Frankly, a death scene is an opportunity to make the reader's eyes pop out. You only made me yawn.

There are plenty of other missed opportunities in this short chapter, but you get my drift now, I think.

Remember, one very good way to write is - you start with a skelton. Put flesh on the skeleton. Put more flesh on the skeleton. Put clothes on the flesh. Put colour and style into the clothers. Style its hair and trim its beard!

THEN...

Take a good look at your puppet, and cut back what you don't need.


(Yes, this means you will have to write a chapter five to eight times before posting it. That's the price you pay for good writing.)

Well, half way into the chapter I had clicked post instead of preview to check length, so I was in a hurry before to edit the second half anyone noticed that half a chapter was posted. So I hope that gives some incentive on why it was less descriptive than hoped for.
BSparrow has also been giving me plenty of helpful tips and sort of "pep talks" along the way.

Okay, I'm gonna have this closed.
Over the next week, I'll be thinking extensively for a good idea.
I will focus on the whole description thing as well
I was glad people gave me some help with this.
And if you read my sig, I have another going.

And now....
I am off.

*Poofs into darkness*

Good luck on whatever else you plan on writing. Just remember: Don't make quitting a habit.

Oh it hasn't.....

Its just begun...........

Well stop it! Kill it with fire!

Umm, all of this isn't necessary. If you don't have anything constructive or even remotely nice to say, then refrain from being rude to the guy/girl. This isn't the site for mistreatment. Constructive criticism would suite you a lot better. If you can manage that I mean.

Edit:
And to you ShadowStrike, it was a little rough around the edges but that's nothing a little time can't guide

Ok, ok joke time is over.

MUST THINK IDEA!

EDIT: If anybody plated the VERY FIRST ONE, my story is kind of a rehash of it.
Powerful mage overthrows the emperor.