It was midnight and the whole city was calm and no sound to break the peace, the water was lightly makings sounds on the port and there
was a hut like any Dunmer would live in. It was dark inside with dirty clothes in the floor gathering dust and there was a sleeping boy he was
resting with ease with a smirk in his face and light jerks.Thrre was a light rumble in the ground and the sky went blood red and there Scamps went put from the Oblivion Gte with Dremora Knights.A loud exposion rang out.

Eris Telas:WHAT THE!!!

There was shouting and screaming with clasing of swords and whistleing of arrows in the distance.Eris's mother came out from the room running to Eris
his mother was frightend and touched her stomach.

Mother Telas:Oh god the baby's kicking....Eris listen to me go downstairs and find get the swords for your father...NOW!!!

Eris scrambled out of bed and there he ran to the stairs and with one slip he fell.With a grunt he got up and opened the closet and there laid
his father's lucky Imperial Longsword.He grasped it and ran to his father.

Eris:Here dad...

Father Telas:Thanks son now stay with your mother and your little brother for me will you...???

Eris nodded and went back down to his pregnant mother and his year old brother.

The noise outside was louder than before.He heard women and men and even children screaming and then he heard one thing whitch made Eris's stomach cringe "THEY GOT MY MOMMY THEY GOT MY MOMMIE..." and next split second the door busted open and there laid a Dremora Lord with his Dreadric Claymore he shot out fireballs from the tips from his fingers

Mother Telas:hide behind the stairs but slowly...

Eris and his brother Endul tip-toed their way behind the stairs and then his mother took a dagger from her pockets and quickly stapped the demon but it was no use the Demon quickly reacted and with one chop Eris's mother stumbled to the ground her stomach was bleeding Mother Telas laid there dead
along with the premature baby inside her.

Eris wanted to scream but he was silent along with his brother Endul he was teary-eyed and shaken with fear.The Deadric Lord stepped outside from the burning hut.Eris ran to the backdoor to the garden outside with his little brother and there they made a desperate run to a nearby cave.

They went to the cave near them and then he found more people there.There was a Khajiit, an imperial and a breton nd all near the age of 19.

Codus Callonus:i only managed to kill two but they overun us...they killed many of the villagers even your dad

Eris sat down and there his little brother was hugging him and crying silently Eris felt his tears on his sleeping shirt.

Eris:what are we gonna do now...we dont know where to go now but hide...

Dro'Charr:well we do live in Khuul so we can get to Vivec they have fine guards there and plus Vivec is in the city so all we have to do is get there and were safe.

Jaden Lotair:Allthough this is risky business i agree with Charr but its very long journey there but its our only hope if we need to go inside a place with a very strong defense system...so im in.

The next hour the smoke was still rising into the blood-red sky and the team headed out and ran to their 5-day trip from Khuul to Vivec.

Chapter 2 A place to go
coming soon

I only read the first paragraph and by now Ican tell the story is going to fail if you don't change immediatey. First off, before posting, use Microsoft Word or something to fix spelling errors and such. Second, there is no drama or details here. The story is very bland and vanilla. What about the hut? What is it made of? How loud was the rumbling from the Oblivion Gate? Details, bro, details.

Another issue which kept me from reading is your horrible choice of dialogue form. I seriously HATE when someone makes a story's dialogue like:

Joe: Hey!

Bob: Hi, when did you get here?

That form of writing is completely annoying to read and makes you look unprofessional. I hope to see the writing like:


Joe opened the door to the bar and walked in, and took a seat on the stool next to his friend Bob.

"Hey!" Joe exclaimed. Bob just noticed that Joe came in, turned to Joe, and said,

"Hi, when did you get here?"


Your storyline is A-Okay, I would love to read more of this but please, use my advice and edit up that post so it's readable for the audience.

Thats how some of the greatest classical plays are written. So if Shakespere is unprofessional.....

Im not saying I'm a fan, but you can't be ignorant to how written works were, well, written at one point.

That's because Shakespeare wrote stage plays, not novels. You write a script that way as a convenience to the actors reading it aloud.

I know, but what if thats the way he/she wants their story written? Maybe they are purposely doing a stage play.

Then it would be nice if the OP explained him/herself.

Indeed.

I see where you're coming from, Blademaster... but if the writer wants to write a stage play, he should do so consistantly. With stage directions. This is prose with a playwright's dialogue.

But I'm gettting ahead of myself.

I think you've got a good start here, storywise. You plunge us right into the action, and give us a family to worry about (on that note, keep in mind that, because rating, killing children is forbidden on this forum.) Your story structure is sound.

I'd like to know a bit more about the characters. Not just Eris, but his little brother, and the people that they found in the cave. It shouldn't take much: a line of physical description and a line of dialogue should get us started, and we can fill in the rest as the story goes along.

That said, remember to describe, describe, describe. Description helps pull us into the moment, making each last longer. This pulls us into the story and generates suspense. Also, it helps tell us what's going on. It takes a while to get the hang of painting a picture for the readers, but when you do, it's worth it. :goodjob:

There is one thing that you do need work on, though, and that's your presentation. Your--everyone say it with me now--mechanics.

See, there are a lot of run-on sentences in this passage. A lot. Now, I have an infamously low tolerance of anything that diverges from the strictest rules of grammar and spelling, but I think even a casual reader would be turned off by this. Every time you complete a thought (an independent clause), you need a punctuation mark. It can be a period, but it can also be a colon (: ), semi-colon (; ), em-dash (--), or ellipse (...). You should never string independent clauses together with commas, and you should never ever string them together with no punctuation at all.

Why should you care, right? Well, it comes down to readability. Language is a tool for communicating ideas, and it has all these little rules like grammar and spelling. If you follow the rules as closely as you can, no one will notice, but if you break a bunch of those rules, people do notice, and it gets distracting. In the case of fiction, poor grammar or spelling pulls attention away from the story. Worse, it can make the writer look like he doesn't care about his story, since he didn't take the time to make things readable.

Which brings me to the dialogue issue.

Ghoul's criticism was harsh (try to never use "horrible" in a critique, ghoul), but valid. If you're writing prose, it'd be best to stick to the accepted form. This dialogue format is distracting. Worse, it makes you miss out on describing your characters while they're talking. What are their expressions? What's the tone of voice? Are they moving while they're talking?

You can continue to write dialogue in that format if you want, since this is your story with your style. But be aware that it is distracting (at least, to me). Otherwise, go in the other direction, and make this a stage play, complete with stage directions and a cast list. It'd be interesting to read a story in that format. :twirl:

Therefore, the best thing I think you can do right now is brush up on your story structure. Read a couple of your favorite novels (any length and genre!) and pay attention to how things are structured. Look at what constitutes a sentence, and see how dialogue is integrated into the rest of the story. It's much more fun than reading through an english textbook. :dance:

That said, keep in mind that opinions of everyone on this thread (including mine) are just that. It's much more important that you write and have fun with it, than that you follow all the nitpicky rules. So, whatever you do, keep writing. Everything else comes with time and practice. :goodjob:

Dane, I notice this is your first post ever on the Beth forums. A bit of a rude welcome perhaps. Your story has been critiqued. Now comes crunch time. It is easy to become discouraged at this point and quit. Please realize that the comments are intended to help you get better. Some of us say it a bit more tactfully than others. It sure feels good when you get to hear, 'nice job', but that won't help improve. I surely hope you will consider the critiques and try to incorporate those aspects you agree with, and post again.
:foodndrink:

And have a fishy stick

But yes, I think it would be nice if our new friend Grim told us his/her intentions. A script would be interesting, but I think it would be better if it wasn't half play, half story. Nice job

But really, BSparrow said most of what needed to be said. However, Ghoul, critiquing a newer writer is a tricky business. No offense to our friend here, but you have to take it one step at a time. You can't start painting a person's face until you get their body done (or at least, I don't).

Everything else aside, thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:


EDIT: No one ever does

And me.

Grim, I apologize if I was being rude, and you probably suggested I was trying to be. I was just trying to give you my point of view, but I did use some words like 'horrible' etc. BUT, I didn't mean it offensively.