Authors note: This fan-fic takes place midway through the third century of the 4th era. And thanks to darkom for his assistance with this.


“FIRE!”

Four bolts of magical energy flew through the air, charging the atmosphere and ringing with the sound of cicadas. They soon found their target, a mighty purple energy field. Upon impact the bolts exploded, their magic dispersing along the side of the field. The field protected a small rocky outcropping, jutting out of the grassy clearing it was situated on.

“STAND DOWN!”

The four individuals who had fired the bolts lowered their rifles, all save one pushing the sliding switch on their weapons.
“You forgot to de-prime” whispered Emily, hoping to prevent their commander from noticing the mistake Marcus, the newest member of the unit, made.

“[censored], thanks!” Marcus quickly pushed the priming mechanism forward, also hoping not to hear his commander give another rant about draining the batteries.

Emily, one of the three females in the unit, was a blonde Imperial with emerald colored eyes, and a rather small scar across her left cheek. She is the best marksman in the entire unit, and is well known for shooting heretics between the eyes at long range. Meanwhile, Marcus was a rather in-experienced marksman, who often forgot to de-prime his weapon and remove the magical battery at the end of operations. None the less, Marcus was a dependable sort, who could always be counted on to sneak a few extra provisions and a bit of contraband into his pack whenever they went on a mission.

As the Riflemen moved out of the way, Emily decided to take another glance at the new officer that had been transferred into the unit. Standing right next to the commander, at 6 feet in height was Amiel, a rather muscular Imperial with somewhat long black hair. The man appeared to be in his forties, well above the age of Emily and her comrades, who were all in their twenties, and at least ten years older than the commander. This made his membership in the unit even stranger, as not only was he older than everyone in the unit, he was only a second-lieutenant, and yet he seemed to command respect from even the unit Commander. ‘At least his head isn’t shaped like a brick,’ Emily thought to herself, comparing Amiel to the rather block shaped Commander.

“CANNONS, READY YOUR ARMS!”

The cannon troops quickly rushed to the position vacated by the riflemen, and rested on their shoulders a large metal tube, with a rather simple sight system mounted on the side. As they went about this, they also removed a metal stopper in the weapon’s opening, causing the weapons to glow briefly.

“FIRE!”

With the latest command barked by their commander, they fired their weapons, causing massive balls of energy to hurl out of their “lightning cannons” and through the air. As they impacted the field, they released massive amounts of fire and sparks, but all of it ended up being dispersed by the field.

“STAND DOWN!”

The Cannon troops returned to their previous positions, and Marcus decided to speak up.

“Sir, I..I don’t think this is working.”

“I can see that you little [censored]!” Their commander was shouting at the top of his lungs, but before he could even go on to commit his routine of berating his men, Amiel shoved him backwards as he turned to face him.

“Is that any way to talk to your subordinates? Do you think their just dogs to be beaten? YOU NEED TO SHOW YOUR OWN MEN RESPECT, otherwise you are unfit to command them!” As Amiel said these words, the commander backed down, and rather meekly posed a question to the squad, his defeat worn on his sleeve and carried in his voice.

“Are there any suggestions?”

Emily perked up, and gave her suggestion. “Sir, the field does not appear to go through the ground. If we could dig a tunnel under the field we might be able to get through.”
The Commander agreed with this assessment, and gave the order to retrieve shovels from the camp.

The story was action-packed, that's for sure. But the caps got on my nerves. I'm one to believe you should never use caps, except for acronyms and a few other exceptions. You did a pretty good job with the whole battle aspect. Not many people can, so good job.

And I noticed the swear word. Now, I don't have any idea which word you chose to use, but be careful with cursing. You want terms that will fit the TES world. Just thought I'd point that out. *shrug*

Hurray for a feasible cross between technology and magicka! Of course, it's to be expected from a known Lore buff. :twirl:

I'm a fan of starting in the middle of an action sequence or bit of dialogue, so this appeals to me. It pulls you right into the middle of a fight, and then tosses in a couple characterizing brush-strokes for good measure. We've got the start of a handful of interesting characters, and the way they interact with one another in this stressful situation is very telling... Emily looking out for the newbie, for example, and Amiel telling off his commanding officer. The description of the commander as "block-shaped" gave me a chuckle--it's a creative term that paints a vivid picture in a single word. So far, good show. :goodjob:

That said, I'm a bit confused what they're fighting against. Obviously, they're trying to break through some sort of force field, but I'd like to know what the circumstances are. Are they in the middle of a war, and this is protecting an enemy base? Are they a group of the Empire's soldiers, hunting down necromancers/cultists/monsters/a mad mage? While some things should be kept from us to build up suspense and entice us to read further, I'd like just a bit more information on what the current situation is. A lot can happen in 200+ years.

That said, I fully expect all such things will be revealed with time. I'm probably just being impatient. All things considered, I'd prefer it to start this way: character interaction and development always trumps "big picture" stuff, in my book.

So yeah. I'll be reading.

A note on guns and ammuniton...

A RIFLE is a tube that has spiral grooves cut into it to spin a projectile. It does not appear that your 'rifles' fire any sort of projectiles at all.

Perhaps 'beam projectors' would be better?

But then, a writer's world is its own universe. I can only suggest, and not all my suggestions may be good.

I thought about the rifle thing as well, but since I'm no expert I decided not to say anything.

Okay, a promising start. I must admit, I'm intrigued by writers who choose to set their ES stories far ahead of the timeline we're used to. I suppose it's curiousity to see their vision of how the world might have changed.

Couple of little technical details to keep an eye on, which amazingly Ms. Sparrow hasn't mentioned. Hence the delay in this reply, as it took me a while to recover from fainting with shock These aren't major issues, just details to bear in mind for next time.

First up - tenses. You're using past tense, but there are one or two occasions when you've accidently slipped into present tense. These won't be picked up by a spell check, only proof reading, so it's worth reading your post aloud to see if they jump out at you.

For example:



Like I said, something to keep an eye on, not a major problem.

Second thing, and I stress again, not a major issue. Physical descriptions and personality descriptions. The descriptions themselves aren't bad, but the way you've added them is a little...clunky I guess the word would be.



I'm trying to think of the best way I can explain this. Have you ever heard of the expression information dumping, when related to writing? You've provided the information, but you've stopped everything else in order to do it, which slows the momentum down of the action. I would suggest trying to incorporate description into action, as that will keep the pace up, and still allow you to pass us bits of detail at a time. You don't have to give us all the information in one block. When writing exciting, action packed stories, the one thing you really want to avoid is the pace slipping, for the author it's a nightmare to get it back up to the same level again afterwards.

Anyway, these comments are just meant to be for food for thought for the next time. I hope you don't take exception to anything I've said there, as it's meant well, I promise you.

Looking forward to the next installment

Hey, everyone has off-days.

Here's something I did catch to make up for my laxity before... re-read this part, and pay attention to sentence structure:



This is something I tend to fall prey to myself, and have only recently started catching myself in. Excepting dialogue and one sentence ("They soon found their target, a mighty purple energy field"... which should probably have a colon or m-dash, not a comma), every single sentence has the exact same structure: preterite verb phrase, comma, continuous verb phrase. Two or three of these sentences lined up in a row isn't a big deal, since most sentences are long enough to escape notice. But more than that means that your sentence structures lack variety, and it may be more interesting to vary them a bit more.

That, though, is likely me just nitpicking to make up for missing your switching tenses. And I do agree about the clumping part that sierra described, but didn't mention it because I found the tidbits you offered in the clumps fairly useful and informative... so I felt you used it well. :banghead:

THe term rifle is used to give the reader an impression of their shape. Their old-fashioned rifle-shaped energy weapons. It was for laziness reasons on my part, I didn't want to describe a long metal tube, with some wood, and a trigger, and you get the idea I think. Also, they fire a bolt of energy, such as the "bolts" fired by blasters in star wars.

THank you for catching the bit about sentence structure. It is a bad habit of mine that rarely gets called out, and I don't really notice it so it hasn't been easy to fix.

About the tenses, I'll make sure not to randomly switch next time.

@burnt, I needed to get it out there with the info-dump.

To clear a wee bit up, their trying to circumvent an energy field that protects a rocky outcropping. More will be explained about the why's of all this later. A lot has changed in Tamriel, and the [censored] hasn't even hit the fan yet.

@redsrock, in both cases, the swear was the word hit with a little neighbor living to the left of the h. I think the word would be appropriate, personally. Also, I've always felt that army commands were the equivalent of a noob screaming in all caps.

Tee-hee, I enjoy knowing what other people don't for a change

I didn't want to critique immediately, as I wouldn't have anything new to say, but I do agree with the others. I am hitting myself hard for not catching those tenses (makes me worry that was me who put those in ), and I did notice something weird with the sentence structure, though I couldn't put my finger on it. I wanted to say something, but BSparrow seems to have caught it (Makes me wish I was an English major)

All in all good; I await the next chapter :goodjob: Thanks for writing and keep it up!


EDIT: *Phew* I see, well then my only fault was not finding them in the first place. Oh, and I re-read your timeline; it made a lot more sense than the first go through. Sorry about that confusion with the names and whatnot, I was kind of blurry at the time with tiredness and the flu. I now have decided it is officially very good; though some details are missing (ie the forming of the theocracy). I hope you fill in those spots during your story.

PS If you are not Darth Ravanger, you probably won't understand what I'm saying. I apologize, but I can't explain it myself; that would be his job

no darkom, you didn't even touch the tense switch during your proofread.

Right, anyone screaming at the top of their lungs is equivalent to using caps. Still, I'd never use them myself, save for certain exceptions. I guess it's just me, then, for no one else mentioned it.

well, to each his own then, I guess.

@darkom: I thought the timeline did make it clear.

Yeah, I suppose it's just one of those damn subjective sort of subjects.

Due to certain, ah, complications, our friend Ravanger has asked me to post this for him. Thank you.


The Sun was setting upon the Theocracy's finest. They had only just finished digging their tunnel, a rather small thing with wood planks supporting the thin strip that served as the ceiling, when it was decided to return to camp for the night. The camp was almost half a mile away from the energy field, and the occasional complaints of the soldiers were a testament to their tired bodies and aching feet.

By the time they had arrived, the sun had already set and night had fallen upon the forests of Cyrodiil. The three soldiers that were left at the camp had built a large fire capable of accommodating the entire squad. They had also prepared supper. These three soldiers were only privates, having only been put into the unit temporarily. As such, they were often relegated to maintaining the camp, a task that would ordinarily be given to the unit's transport team.

As the men and women sat down around the fire, they took off their boots, chain mail shirts, and other heavy equipment, and tossing it to the side.

"You know, I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that the only way to get around that barrier was to dig a tunnel, or the fact that it feels like early autumn despite being winter," Marcus said, with little enthusiasm.

Amiel replied, more upbeat than marcus, that: "At least there wasn't a drought like last year. What really gets me though is that all the taverns are going to be closed next middas."

"Oh yeah, the 'day of transcendent horror' ooh so scary? I swear, they must have named it that to scare the little ones." Marcus replied.

"It is very odd," Emily said, "that people would be so terrified of the 29th of Evening star, despite the fact that crime rates have historically plummeted to near zero during the entire month. It seems that people don't want to admit that it was a one-time event."

"You'd think the people would, you know, just thank the gods for it not occurring again instead of being afraid." Amiel said nonchalantly.

"That would be far too easy Amiel." Emily said as seriously as ever.

Finally, the commander left the comfort of the fire to return to his tent. It was the only one that did not amount to a water resistant blanket and twigs. Amiel's expression then became one of frustration, if only for a moment, as he watched the commander leave.

"Hey! I think I've figured out what Amiel is doing in our unit! He's the commander's replacement!" The entire camp's spirits seemed to lift up as one of the gunners said this, and they all looked towards Amiel expectantly.

"huh? I will neither confirm nor deny!" Amiel said, raising a recently opened flask into the air.

"YEAH! Goodbye Commander Brick-for-a-head; Hello Amiel!"

The squad spent a few more hours awake. Besides their various discussions, they took bets on who would be able to kill the heretic the next day. There was 300 gold down on Amiel and 450 for Emily.

The Sky was a bright, cloudless blue, and the leaves were many different shades of orange and brown. (The cycles upon which the leaves changed colors, died, and then re-grew were severely impacted by the abnormalities in the weather.) It was a beautiful day, and Amiel said that such times were perfect for killing heretics.

It did not take them long to reach the energy field. Their tunnel was, fortunately, still intact. They quickly marched through the tunnel and onto the hill that surrounded their destination. They now had a new obstacle to overcome, and that was to figure out what was generating the field. Inside it, there was simply a rocky outcropping jutting out from on top of the hill. As the men stood around the outcropping, they could see no signs of heretical magicks. Amiel, on the other hand, quickly moved to investigate the stone surface. Feeling around its sides, he eventually found something, and called out to his fellows.
"Stand back!"

Suddenly, a great circle, 10 feet wide, appeared around the outcropping. It was laden with heretical symbols and designs. It also glowed ominously with an unnatural red light. Then, the circle, and the ground it was made on, dissolved, revealing a massive spiral staircase.

"How did you?" Was about all Marcus could manage in response to the sight he had just seen.

"It's simple, really. Whoever set this up placed a pressure plate on the surface of this rock. Activate the pressure plate, and the spell hiding the staircase is broken."

They could now enter their enemy's base. The Commander ordered the Cannon troops to surround the outcropping, while staying at the edge of the field. They stood in a triangular formation, ready to destroy anything that tried to leave without wearing the colors of the Kvatch military.

"Arm your swords, and Advance gunners!"

I really enjoy that last post. I think the part that made it for me was second to last line about the Kvatch Military

The story is good but....
I can't handle guns AND magicka, reminds me too much of Fable 2

I'm still impressed by the reference to the Cicada, anyone who has ever heard them knows, it is a scream that lasts a month, and your ears ring from it the remaining 11 months of the year, lol.

As I said, Ravenger is currently unavailable, so don't think he is just ignoring you. I'll say it for him then, thanks for the comments

I think the whole point was to have magical guns; it wouldn't be much of a story without them

I think the story seems to take a mixture of the magic of Oblivion and the advanced weaponry (and force fields) of Fallout 3, two games I absolutely love. The flaws in execution I will leave to the experts; as I am not qualified to advise (I am always grateful to be the recipient of any critique that will improve my writing, and have been helped tremendously by them on this forum). I am sure the story would flow better with a few tweaks; but the ideas, inspiration, and action are great.

due to extenuating circumstances, I have only been able to pm recently. anyway, I can post again, so...

This is a quick little set of responses that are separate from the pms these people received.


glad you liked it.

I can understand that, but remember these are magic guns...


I've always felt it was a good sound for a sci-fi gun.


more of a merger of tes and star wars really.