Chapter One: The News Is Out

Guard duty went by as usual; uneventful and terribly drab. I was glad it was over though, so I could go home and rest. My back ached from staying stationary all day; my legs were worse off, though.

I made my way down the street casually, nodding at my fellow pedestrians who passed by. A wagon pulled by four horses thundered by. Majestic beasts. Bound by a harness, but free at heart. Sometimes I wished I could be anything but the opposite. Bound by heart, free from chains or ropes. I smiled, realizing I was a free man at heart and reality, but my train of thought was interrupted by shouting that erupted a block or two down. Jogging over, I looked over the shoulders of the onlookers to get a better look.

The doomsayer thrashed and twitched around, screaming out curses and gibberish. "The world is going to burn! The bread is crumbling already, and only one can stop it!" he pointed at me. "You are the one to stop the bread! If the bread crumbles, there won't be any bread for I or you!" the crazed man raced to me, almost knocking me over. He grabbed the folds of my leather jerkin, near my neck, and pushed me into a wall. I grabbed his arms with mine, and yelled, "Get off me you knave!" Slamming my knee into the bastard's side seemed to do the trick, and he fell to the floor coughing and spluttering for air it seemed.

People were crowding around now, and one of them came forward. It was an Altmer woman, with a very sagely look to her eyes.

She rushed up, "Are you okay?" she gasped at the man twitching on the floor.

"The old rat grabbed me and started yelling.. So I kicked him."

"By the Nine, how many times did you kick him? He's dying!" she cried as she felt his pulse, reaching past his groping hands.

"That's impossible... I only hit him once," and then I watched in confusion and horror as the old doomsayer's body disintegrated. "What trickery is this?!" I snarled, looking around me.

The Altmer gasped, and knelt at the side of the road where the man had disappeared. "Some kind of magic, it left quite the magical footprint. More advanced than anything anyone I know could do."

"Look I'm real sorry, but I need to get going... I have matters to attend to." I felt bad about leaving, for it seemed the attention of the crowd was on me now. I guess they thought I would do something spectacular, but I was really just passing through.

I didn't know what to make out of the incident with the old man, but I couldn't dwell on it for long. Not know what else to do, I said simply, "I shall take my leave," and turned, to continue walking swiftly down the street. I wiped the sweat off my brow.

Confused and thrumming with adrenalin, I hazily swung around a corner and bumped into a scrawny Khajiit, who was holding a large bundle of scrolls. Almost dropping the paper, he raised one of his grubby paws, "Don't worry about it, friend. Would you like a copy of the Black Horse Courier?"

"Sure, I owe it to you to buy one, I suppose," I said. The Black Horse Courier usually had some interesting stuff, usually about some squabble between nobles, or perhaps the vile assassins of the Dark Brotherhood.

"Aye, three septims."

"The last issue was only a septim, though!"

"You'll know why when you read it. This copy's got the juiciest material we've had in months. Just trust me... Full refund if you're dissatisfied." Now that got me thinking. I wondered what could possibly be so amazing, and my curiosity got the better of me.

"Uhh. Fine," I replied, slightly annoyed. Three septims took me half an hour to make working guard duty, and I regretfully tossed the man the coins as he extended an arm holding a copy. I grabbed it out of his hands and he said, "Thanks, and farewell."

"Damn hustler..." I mumbled, and trudged the rest of the way home. The dark bags under my eyes showed my lethargic mood, the red lines shooting out from my pupils speaking of long nights spent tossing and turning. Throwing open the door, sliding in, and closing the door in one fluid motion, I entered my residence.

"Altreis? I'm home," I called out to my fianc?e.

"Hey hun, I got dinner prepared. It's your favorite: meatloaf with a nice big slab of ham on the side," she sang back, her lovely voice making my heart soar.

I sighed, glad to have such a great person to live with. "Damn. You know how to get right to me," I replied, entering our small kitchen, and grabbing a seat at the circular table near the left end of the room. A plate with the promised meatloaf and ham sat in front of me, enticing me with its sweet scent. I plopped the Black Horse Courier onto the table.

"You read it yet? What's it about?" Altreis asked, motioning her hand towards the paper.

"Nah, I haven't, but the guy said it was a really good issue. He was probably just trying to hustle three coins outta me."

"You spent three septims on a piece of paper? Your whole meal only cost two!"

"I know it was a stupid thing to do, but us Dunmer love our knowledge."

"Whatever," she said, putting her own plate on the table and sitting down.

After we finished, I decided to finally read the news, flipping it open and eying the title.

MAGICAL BREAKTHROUGH: MEPHALA AND MERIDIA UNCOVERED
Led by a magical genius, the mages of the Mages Guild have finally obtained access to the realms of Mephala and Meridia after years of trying. Not to mention, they also managed to open gates to every other Daedric Realm. The portals lie in the most secret chambers of the Guild, and only have been seen by the most elite members of it. No one has entered either portals yet, but they say that they used artifacts uncovered by adventurers to grant entry to their respective Princes' realms...

The page went on, but I stopped there. "Altreis, you have to read this..."

Uhhh anyone wanna comment?

It has nice pace and flow to it.
Keen to read more.

Thanks . I have a lot of cool ideas for later in the story. Next chapter by tonight, probably.

Not bad, let us see more.

Thanks, and more shall come :]

Removed.

Plz comment/critique! If you don't I can't fix nuffin :[

Honestly, just telling him good job doesn't help whatsoever. At least tell him specifically what you liked if you can't think of things you think he can improve on. A slap on the back is nice, but it isn't useful.

Please use proper grammar in your posts, even if they are not your story (nuffin is not a word). I hate to be a grammar nazi, but it really looks more professional. Also, don't beg for critique- that is bumping and is technically against the rules after only an hour. Look at my story, it's been almost a day and no one has even looked at it Take your time, things won't go faster just because you ask them to.

It's not bad, but it is severely lacking in many things. For one, always always always set the scene before you jump right into action. You can try and do both at the same time, but I don't reccomend it because it can be confusing to jump around. Describe where he is and what he is doing before you go on a random tangent with some crazy guy. The idea itself is sound, and the dialogue is interesting to say the least, but quite a bit is missing.

Remember the three things you have to describe when writing: physical appearances, emotional and mental feelings, and action. Action is probably the easiest to do, and you have already started using it well enough, but I see next to nothing in the realm of setting or emotions. When writing in the first person, use plenty of internal dialogue and reflections of the protagonist's feelings. A person is most aware of what they are doing, so describe it through your character. What is he seeing, hearing, feeling, etc.

Along with description comes pace and flow- you have to balance out the natural rhythym of the scene with the descriptions. A general rule is that most scenes can be divided up neatly into action or reflection, meaning that in some places you are describing things that are happening and in others you give your character's response (be it through dialogue, thoughts, or further action). Things happen and then your character reacts. You have only things happening to him and action based reactions- very little thoughts. Don't get me wrong, you have a few, but they are too few and far between. With first person, you are describing what is happening only as your character sees it. Thus, you can fill every single word with his point of view on a topic.

For example, you call the doomsayer a crazy person, which is your character's view on him. Add more of that to everything- describe as much of the scene as possible in as few words so that it doesn't become too slow of a read.

Next, you have a random Altmer come out of nowhere. Why is she there? What is she doing to move the scene and the plot along? Is she characterizing the protagonist? Everything in a story must be there for a reason, both well planned and executed.

Moving away from that, I'll touch on one of my favorite subjects- characterization. The art of developing your characters into well rounded, connectable people. The most common mistake is to place too much emphasis on the plot and force your people into stereotypes. If we have nothing else to go on, we will use only past experiences to gather feelings about your character. You don't want us to decide who he is, you need to do it through a process called characterization. Show his emotions and thoughts little by little until we get to know him like a new friend. At first all we know is his name and perhaps his occupation, but as the plot progresses we learn about all his views on life. These can be ordinary and everyday, or they can be completely weird and even malevolent. It's totally up to you.

As I read the next section, I am reminded once more of the cardinal rule of writing narratives: "Show, don't tell". Don't just use your character to tell us that guard duty went as normal, show us. Have him slump his shoulders, sigh, and look at the clock. Make him shuffle home depressed at his lot in life. Don't just say "he dropped the papers", say something like "As I made the turn past the first house of the district, a scrappy looking Khajiit bumped into me, dropping the stack of papers he was carrying." That's a shoddy example, but I'm not really in the best mood for writing right now. It's a hard thing to learn to do, but right now you are practically relating a tale to us. What you need to do is engage us in your story. We need to feel like we are a part of the action here (unless you are trying to right in past tense, which can work for first person, though it makes characterization difficult and action drab).

With all this negative advice, I have to hand you one thing you did well: you don't just come out and say things about your character. In first person, it is also important to keep up with what your character is feeling, and unless your protagonist is really vain, they tend not to actively think about what they look like or their past. Certain things need to make them tell the reader (I say this from how you tell us he is Dunmer), and you do a pretty good job of that. There are certain devices and methods that can make your job easier, but you did well with what you had.

If I were you, I would condense both chapters into just the intro. A general rule of thumb is that the intro ends when the first rising action starts, in this case the reading of the paper. Take the introduction slow, with lots of description and characerization, then start to introduce the plot. You can still have your crazy doomsayer, but I would really advise keeping him at a distance (unless your guard is really violent, that is). Never just throw in something like kicking a homeless guy for giggles- it is something that really shows who your character is. If he is that kind of guy that's fine, but be very very certain of just who he is before writing.

Well, I have a few more things to say, but I'll wait for another chapter before I finalize my ideas

Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

PS I would appreciate it if you tell me piece by piece what you think of this information. Whether some of this is brand new to you, or whether you knew something but didn't quite know how to work it, so I can answer any questions you might not even know you have. I find it helps a lot more to talk to the author directly than me stabbing into the darkness of your writing. A direct method of critiquing, if you will

Damn! Quite a mouthful there, Darkom. You just covered about everything that when I look back on the story needs fixing.

Just pointing out a few things:

The protagonist was confronted by the doomsayer, not the other way around.

The newspaper cat didn't drop the papers, he almost did.

Other than that, I wow at your critique. Thank you a ton, I'll be editing this a lot and changing my ways because of your post, for that I'm grateful.

I'll probably almost rewrite the intro and maybe will be putting the two parts together to form one intro. Or I might cut out the first part near completely and just use the second as an intro, as that might be more fitting. Anyone got any suggestions on that point?

Of course I do By the way, I'm always glad to help.

I do very much advise combining the two, and perhaps even taking out the timeskip. I do enjoy the foreshadowing with the doomsayer, and even the Altmer's comment. Those can easily be moved into him walking home from guard duty, and even moving it around so you have time to describe the scene before the doomsayer arrives. Other than that, I'll have to see what you do with it. Be creative

I'll try to come back, but I've got my own introduction to write. Right after I get in the mood, that is :read:

Ah.. That's a great idea. Yeah, I'll have him walking home when he encounters the doomsayer. I'm also going to change what it says in the Black Horse Courier, because I have something else planned.

Aight. I edited the two parts into one, and is in the first post.

Hope yall like it :].

So far I like the story. One thing you could work on is your dialog tags. You do not have to constantly inform your reader who is talking with a tag, example:

"Uhh. Fine," I replied, slightly annoyed. Three septims took me half an hour to make working guard duty, and I regretfully tossed the man the coins as he extended an arm holding a copy. I grabbed it out of his hands and he said, "Thanks, and farewell."

Here you do not need the "I replied" we can infer from the writing that it is now your character that is talking.

Something like......"Uhh. Fine," Slightly annoyed I shoved three septiums into his hand...then the rest.

Thanks. I'll have to work on that.

Indeed, dialogue tags can be very important. I don't care about them much myself; so long as they don't interrupt my reading I tend to ignore them. Nice edit, by the way

Ty. I think it's a lot better this way as well.

Chapter Two: Opportunities Arise

Damar Piij was the influential leader of the event, his magical know-how surpassing that of the Guildmaster himself, it is rumored. Him and his team synced each artifact to the essence of their prince, and through that, the realm of that prince. The magical usage was kept at a minimum to lessen the threat of the Daedra noticing the rips in their planes. Damar Piij said, "Although we have opened the portals, and they are indeed active, we haven't gotten any feedback from Oblivion. For that, we are grateful, for if the Princes noticed this, not even I and my magi could hold all of them off for long." The whole ordeal was very controversial, and by some it seemed pointless even. If anything went wrong, the entirety of Tamriel could be in peril. And after the Oblivion Crisis, we know how much just one Daedric Prince can do. Against sixteen, even Akatosh would be powerless.

-Scribe Lord Gittibus

The Khajiit hadn't been lying, I supposed. Then I shook my head. Why was this happening now? I had just started settling out after Mehrunes Dagon had invaded, and now this. Ah well, I guess things tend to end up how they're suppose to.

I was surprised Damar Piij, although a master of several types of magic, was powerful enough to pull this off. I knew Damar as a friend, and an ally. I couldn't list how many times he saved my sorry [censored] during the Crisis.

"Damar's a big hotshot now, huh," muttered Altreis.

"Apparently. Tomorrow I'm going to pay a visit to the Mage's Guild and speak with Damar. Perhaps I can get a job from all this, and get a house out of the blasted Waterfront. Maybe in Skingrad; I heard it's nice over there."

"You are one crazy Dunmer. Always looking for a job. Why can't you just settle as a gate watchman? We make enough!"

"I'm going to do this, but I need some sleep first. Good night, my love," I soothed, kissing her on the lips and walking through the door and into the bedroom. I left Altreis to clean the dishes; I'd help, but she always gets annoyed when I do. Maybe I'm just telling myself that so I didn't have to clean. Either way, it didn't matter.

I made impact upon our crunchy, lumpy, cotton stuffed mattress. Stretching and sighing, I pulled the covers around my shoulders, and put my head sideways on the drool-stained pillow. Slowly drifting off to sleep, my last thoughts were of riches and the excitement of what would happen tomorrow.

I just hoped Damar didn't convince me into anything stupid.