Broken Scales

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:25 pm

I've written a few short stories related to the TES lore in the past but never put them up here. I think this one is the best of mine so far. I was thinking of making another story soon, and I was wondering if I'm any good at writing :P. So tell me what you think! :) And yes I know the lore might be a little off, I'm not really into all of the TES lore and just wrote what sounded logical.

Broken Scales


This is a story of a terrible event that happened not too long ago in Black Marsh. Most of Tamriel never knew it happened, as terrible as it is, it happens many times over in the dreadful marshes of Black Marsh. What happened there changed my life forever, and I can remember it even now all too well, sitting here, in my house at Skingrad. You are probably wondering who I am; I am Yerick and that fateful summer I was an Imperial hunter. I decided to hunt within the mysterious wilderness of Black Marsh. I never suspected the evils that would dwell behind those towering trees. I write this story so that you may learn what I learned that summer, and so that the people who died would never be forgotten.

It was 3E 391 Midyear, and I had traveled well within Black Marsh territory. I was on the hunt of a certain elusive creature that fetched good prices in Cyrodiil, my homeland. They seemed to stray away from civilization so I had to go deep to find them. In my young life, the only thing I knew best was to hunt this creature. I never stopped to think about the other evils that may live in the marshes.

Somewhere deep within Black Marsh, I was tracking one especially big creature by the tracks it left in the muddy ground. You could imagine my surprise when I came upon an Imperial Legionnaire.

"You there, what are you doing here!" he shouted at me.

"Sir," I had to be polite to get out of this one, "I am only a hunter from Cyrodiil."

"A hunter?" he looked at me suspiciously, "Then what are you doing here?"

"I am looking for the creature that likes to lurk here."

"Well you don't want to go that way," he pointed south, where the tracks were leading.

"Why would I not? The creature's tracks lead in that direction."

"Because in that direction you will only find frightened Argonians and angry slavers. That way is our encampment. We are to protect the Argonians under the Emperor's orders there."

In my time within Black Marsh, I had only seen a few slavers moving through the marshes. I had heard that they were mostly men from Morrowind that looked to earn money by capturing Argonian slaves and selling them in Morrowind. They had always carried a vicious look and I had always avoided them if I could. The Argonians would usually be found in their villages. This year, they were especially careful, and on the lookout for the slavers that infested the wilderness. Slavery was becoming common within this country. I had thought little on the subject, however. I had only the thought of hope, hope for catching that sly creature. I had never expected to find myself at one of the Emperor's camps, which were to protect the Argonians against the slavers. I decided it would be worthwhile to check it out and see how these encampments were set up. I was curious, like usual with my relatively young age. I was 20 during that summer.

"I would rather like to see the encampment if it wouldn't be any trouble." I told the Legionnaire.

"You will have to check in with Captain Dunger," he looked me up and down, "we do not want slavers within the camp."

"That is fine, I am not a slaver."

"Well, follow me as I find Captain Dunger for you." He whipped around and started a fast walk to the south. The clanking of the Legionnaire's armor rang out through out the forest around them. I followed him close behind, checking around for any more signs of the creature.

Soon I found my self on top of a steep hill, overlooking the encampment. The Imperials had set up a short wooden palisade around the camp. Inside the walls were small huts, which looked like they were thrown together from the materials around in the forest with haste. Argonians walked around the encampment keeping a wary eye on the slavers that skirted the woods around the clearing of the encampment. Legionnaires patrolled the encampment from within and outside. The slavers did not dare approach the camp while the trained Legionnaires where there to fend them off.

Then the Legionnaire I was following started down a winding path that descended the hill and met with the barred entrance of the encampment. The decent was quite treacherous as the path was overgrown from infrequent use and many rocks littered the curling path. Soon the Legionnaire lead me to the entrance where a burly Imperial twisted around from talking to another Legionnaire to face me.

"Who is this?" the burly Imperial asked.

"Captain Dunger, sir, this is a hunter I found wandering up north. He requested to see the camp."

"What? This isn't a tourist location, son." Captain Dunger said and began to turn around to resume talking with the other Legionnaire he was conversing with when they arrived.

"Wait, please, I just want to see." I was desperate to see how these Argonians lived their lives. I often wondered why I didn't try to join a company like the Black Horse Courier. My curiosity for things like this would have suited a job like that amazingly.

With a sigh Captain Dunger turned back around to face me, "Fine, but you better not cause any trouble, you here me?"

"Yes sir." I said.

"Good. Relgan see that?" Captain Dunger looked to me with a questioning look.

"Yerick, sir."

"See that Yerick doesn't cause any trouble during his? tour." he cast one last suspicious look at me then turned back to another matter.

"Come on." said the Legionnaire that lead me here and whose name I learned was Relgan. He looked around my age, but it was hard to tell under his metal helmet. He began to lead me to the barred entrance. "Open the gates!" he hollered up at the guards on the wall. The gates swung inward soon after and I glimpsed the encampment up close for the first time.

It shocked me at first. The place was a total mess, even worse than Bravil, which was rumored to be the dirtiest city in Cyrodiil. Dirty Argonians filled the clearing, standing in mud that swamped the ground. Relgan's boots sunk into the mud, he had to use extra force to free them with every step. It produced an audible squelch, and I noticed Relgan's distaste for the mud and the surroundings.

The huts were nearly falling part, and were no more than four walls of wood or dried ceramic, with a roof of many materials like hay, leaves, and mud. The smell hit me then also, it ranked of human wastes and death. Argonians looked at me with large eyes and I now realize they were wondering whether I was friend or foe.

"You coming?" Relgan shouted back at me.

"Yeah." I muttered and ran up to join him. I had been stuck in place by all of the new sights.

"Are you staying here?" Relgan asked me.

"What?" I was not paying attention, as I had noticed some Argonian children playing in the mud.

"You carry no bedroll. There is no city close from here and night is coming soon. We have barracks within the walls. You can stay in one of the extra beds."

"Uh? yes. Yes, that would be helpful, thank you." I snapped back to reality.

"I'll show you your room so you can drop your things off."

"Thank you." I said this then my eyes drifted off to see a group of Argonians crowded together beside a hut. I could hear screaming and crying from within the group. "What? what is wrong? Why are they crowded around like that?"

Relgan looked in the direction I was talking about and cursed under his breath. "It seems another Argonian has died. Our supplies are dwindling and Argonians seem to die everyday here. I guess we can only be lucky a disease hasn't whipped us all out yet. We sure had some close encounters with that."

I felt sudden sadness for these people. They could only hide here from the slaves, but they played a gamble with their lives, staying here in conditions like these.

"Why don't you move them somewhere away from the slavers? They could start a village if they weren't threatened by slavers." I asked.

"You don't understand. These slavers are everywhere in Black Marsh. Wherever we go, the slavers follow. Moreover, we cannot bring them to another province because no one wants them."

"But surly we could bring them to Cyrodiil. We could shelter them there."

"It is not that easy. Cyrodiil is too far from here, this division is not invincible. To leave the walls would mean certain death. The slavers would overwhelm us. Plus, the Emperor doesn't want the Argonians brought to Cyrodiil. He believes they should stay in their homeland, the Black Marsh."

"You mean the Emperor doesn't even want them? By Stendarr, this is wrong. No one wants these poor people in their province." I shook my head in disbelief.

"Were these people go, so do the slavers. It would not matter which province they entered the slavers would follow. The Emperor does not want slavers. But some provinces simply do not want Argonians."

"Why can't you just kill all of the slavers?"

Relgan laughed at this, "That is like saying telling me to cut down every tree in the forest by myself. It is simply not possible with the forces we have."

"Then why doesn't the Emperor send more forces?"

"Because this is not the Emperor's main concern, it is simply an action he took to gain political favor among the Argonians in Cyrodiil."

"I wish we could reason with these slavers. Maybe they could be persuaded with gold."

"These slavers hunt Argonians with near religious fever. They would simply kill every Argonian in this camp if we were not here. Argonians who run from their 'masters' are put to death, and every Argonian here has run away," Relgan looked over the crowds of Argonians with sadness, "And I doubt anyone rich enough would pay for any poor Argonian's safety. The slavers' greed is endless anyways."

I looked down at my feet in resignation. There was nothing to do for these Argonians. If only the Emperor could be persuaded to send more troops to help this effort. It seemed the Argonians around him knew their fate, that they would all die before the end of the summer. They did not even look to me for hope, it seemed the hope left them all a long time ago. They all solemnly awaited their death in this camp, and it distraught me that people had to live this way. It was all wrong and I wished I could change it.

Relgan and I made it to the barracks, the only building in the camp that looked relatively stable. The walls and roof were all made of ceramics. Guards entered and left the building frequently, changing shifts, or ending their day in a bed. We entered the barracks and Relgan lead me down a corridor to the left. Then he showed me a tiny room that barely fit a bed and a dresser. I sighed, but I knew it was better than having no roof at all.

I dropped my bags into the room and then Relgan told me that he had other duties to attend to.

"Just ask one of the guards around here if you need anything." Then he left me in my room as he walked off to begin another of his patrols. I sat on the bed and rubbed my eyes in fatigue. What I had already seen today was truly horrible. I felt a sudden need to make things better. Then an idea struck me. I began searching through my bags on the floor and I finally found it. My lute.

I had once been a bard in Cyrodiil, I traveled from inn to tavern playing music to make money. I did not like that way of living however. It was not adventurous enough for my young heart so I started learning how to hunt from an old man I met in one of the inns I frequented. Together we hunted the wild animals of Cyrodiil, until soon after I tuned 20, he deemed me worthy of hunting on my own. He left me and went back to the inn, complaining of his old age. So then I decided to hunt the elusive creature in Black Marsh. I had packed my lute with me thinking it might be useful, but more because I could not part with it. It had become almost like an old friend.

I decided that playing music to these poor Argonians might raise their spirits and give them something to live for. It was the least I could do, since I was in no position to change the situation here.

With lute in my hands, I exited the barracks and tried to find a spot to play. Argonians and Imperials looked at me, both curiously wondering why I was carrying a musical instrument around with me. The children I had seen earlier spotted me and ran to me asking me what I was doing, and I told them I was going to play music. They all jumped around happily, and I laughed. I had never met anyone so happy to hear my music.

I soon found a barrel by one of the huts and I jumped atop of it and sat on it. Then I began tuning my lute. The twang of the strings brought curious Argonians around the camp. When they saw me they all smiled. It was wondrous to see these dieing Argonians smile. I had a feeling they had not smiled in a long time too.

Once a large group had assembled around me, I launched into a familiar melody. It was a song of the rolling grasses of West Wield but it seemed to raise the spirits of the Argonians never the less. Argonians, at first, swayed to the tune. Then the children began to dance in circles around me. The advlts smiled at that, and an euphoria enveloped the crowd and they all began to dance. It heartened me to see these Argonians enjoy themselves, and I continued to play.

I played song after song, until I had no more to left to play. Night had fell on the land while I was playing and now as the last notes wavered away from my lute and the voices of the crowd, they all began to drift away to their homes to sleep. The first time in a very long time, the Argonians talked among each other with heightened moods and even laughter.

I spotted Relgan among the crowd departing and I walked over to him. He saw me then smiled, looking back at the crowd leaving he said, "That was a good thing you did," an Argonian child ran past them squealing while playing some game and avoiding his parents. Relgan laughed then looked into my eyes, "You raised their spirits. I have never seen them so happy. I hope you stay and make these people's lives better. The solemn mood was starting to get to me too, thank you for those songs."

"Aw, it was nothing really. I've played many times back in-" I was interrupted in mid sentence by a loud bell toll.

"Blast! You go find some shelter, the slavers are attacking again." he then ran off to help his comrades on the walls. I could see archers pull arrows from their quivers, the points glittering in the moonlight, and then send the arrows into the blackness beyond.

An Argonian running past me jostled me back to where I was, and I began to look for the barracks. I found the torchlight playing on the roof of the barracks, and began running towards it. I could see guards running out of the barracks, their metal armor shining in a bleak brilliance.

I was almost at the barracks when an arrow suddenly appeared in the air by my head and whizzed into the mud. I instinctively threw my arms above my head and ran to the nearby cover of a hut. Looking out at the darkness where the arrow must have come from, I noticed a glittering light flying through the night. I then realized it was an arrow and immediately checked its trajectory and saw that it was coming down across near another hut on the other side of the path from me. Then I caught the glint of frightened eyes by the hut.

"Watch out!" I cried. But it was too late, the arrow struck the Argonian and he fell to the ground with the feathered fletching sticking up from his back. I cursed under my breath, and looked in the air for more arrows. Seeing none, I dashed across the path to the felled Argonian.

When I got to him and saw him up close, I knew he was dead. The arrow had pieced his back in a way that sent the arrow through his heart. I checked his pulse just in case, but only felt cold scales. I felt a moment of pure panic but managed to suppress it and then broke down into tears.

I had never killed or seen any one kill someone else. I had only witnessed my grandmother die on her deathbed. This was very different; the slavers had stolen this Argonians life. He had only looked a little older than myself. This moment of despair drove me to shut his eyes and cover him with my jacket, then I ran headlong into the barracks nearly colliding with an exiting guard. He shouted at me but I did not listen as I sprinted to my room.

Only there did I finally feel safe. Then I felt like a coward for running away like that. I looked out of the small window in my room to watch the Legionnaires defend the encampment. It was hard to see in this darkness but I saw the glint of armor in the moonlight occasionally, which betrayed the Legionnaires' positions to me.

The battle raged on deep into the night, the whole time I could not sleep. I needed to know the outcome of this battle. I got sore watching out my window the entire night, hoping for the battle to end.

Finally, I sensed a finality in the air as things slowed down and guards left the walls to inspect damages. I knew then that the battle was over and we had won. I heartened me and saddened me at the same time. Many died today to defend the encampment, but we had won.

I do not know when, but I soon fell asleep after that. I woke up from the sunlight streaming from the window above, onto my face on the pillow. I at first did not remember what had happened the night before and wondered at my strange surroundings, but then it all came back to me and I jumped to the window to see how the camp looked in full light.

The damage was minimal to the camp. Only a few arrows stuck in the mud and huts. I could see a scorched roof of a house that must have caught fire in the night. Other than those damages, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. I got dressed and buckled a sword to my side, opting not to leave without it.

When I left the barracks, I saw a Legionnaire patrolling the path outside and ran to question him.

"What happened to that Argonian that died here last night?"

"We send the dead to that hut over there," he pointed to a slightly larger than average hut down the path, "the rest of the Argonians usually bury him soon to prevent disease."

"How many slavers attacked last night?"

"Oh, only about fifty we estimated."

"Only?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh yeah, we once got attacked by almost 300 slavers. That was one hell of a fight." He said looking into the distance remembering a distant memory.

"Right, do you know how many of us died?"

"Two of our Legionnaires died, and some arrows got over the walls and killed about five Argonians."

"By the gods," I looked around dismayed.

"We are lucky we lost so few, my friend. Some times we loose much more than only two." The Legionnaire told me then walked away on his patrol. I noticed with disgust that he had only counted the Imperials as dead. As if the Argonian deaths were not worth grieving. I then made my way towards the large hut the Legionnaire mentioned. I guessed it was some sort of church for the encampment.

When I reached it I found Argonians from all over the camp crowding into the hut for some sort of ceremony. Solemn faces looked at me, I winced, knowing that only last night I had seen those faces laughing to my music. Inside the hut, candlelight illuminated the dark corners and at the back stood an altar. It seemed my previous prediction of this as a church was correct.

A very old Argonian man stood at the altar and began speaking in the native Argonian tongue. I could only catch a few words that I understood, but he seemed to be praying to the gods and blessing the covered bodies on the ground before him. The Argonians around me did not seem to mind that I, an Imperial, was present. I decided, then, to stay and pay my respects to the Argonians that had lost their lives the night before.

After a long session of praying and blessing, the old man motioned to the bodies. A group of Argonians picked the bodies up and brought them out of the hut. Everyone followed them in a glum procession. They brought the bodies to a large hole behind the hut and they threw the bodies into the single hole. I noticed with disappointment that they could not put each of the dead Argonians into their own graves, and had to put them into mass graves because of the sheer number of the dead.

Soon after, the crowd dispersed, and the Argonians returned to their own places to start the day. I decided to take the time to explore the city and see how the Argonians here lived their lives.

I walked through the mud to the closest house to the church hut and found an old Argonian woman trying to make bread with a meager fire in the center of her hut. Passing the window of that house, I made my way to the next house and saw two Argonians getting back from the church hut to eat breakfast. What made me mad was that their breakfast consisted of a few crumbs of bread and a berry or two. This made me look around at the passing Argonians and notice their skinny statures and I could even see their ribs being outlined by their taunt scales.

I then drifted into the passing crowd of Argonians and went with the flow. I soon found myself at a corner where a hut nearby had an overhang sheltering a few Argonians who where hammering away at some armor on an anvil. It seemed these people where the local blacksmiths of this camp. I decided to walk over to them and maybe ask a few questions. I however, never go the chance. The Argonians pounded on the piece of armor endlessly it seemed. However, when I looked at the armor it answered one of my questions. I saw the Imperial emblem on the armor, and I realized that these Argonians repaired armor for the Imperials. I just hope they were being paid somehow.

As I wandered off, I found myself near the entrance where I had entered the camp the day before. A quick thought of leaving came to me, but I decided against it, I had to do something for these people. I didn't know what, but leaving them seemed so incredibly cowardly at the time.

I spotted Captain Dunger then, he was by the entrance inside the walls thinking hard. I walked up to him, never looking at him and waited for him to speak, so I didn't seem like a pest.

"So, have you decided to leave?" he asked me.

"I do not want to leave. I would be abandoning these people if I did."

"Really?" he looked at me a little surprised. Obviously, he did not expect that kind of response. I guess he had gotten use to clean Imperials, like me, hating this place. "That is real considerate of you, but mostly dumb." I looked up at him with a questioning look, "you know you cannot do anything to help these Argonians, so why stay? You only risk you own death, and for what?"

"I'm?I'm not really sure actually. I just feel that if I leave these people then I am failing them."

"Well if that is the case, then keep playing that lute of yours. It really raised the moral of the Argonians here, even some of my men. Well, before those damn slavers attacked?" he drifted of mumbling curses at the slavers.

"There is nothing we can do about the slavers?" I asked hoping to get a different opinion from Relgan.

"Absolutely nothing; you kill one and three come from behind them to take their spot. Believe me, I have tried everything and failed. The only thing we can do here is to stay, defend, and hope things change." He disappointed me with his response, but I understood, and I too hoped for a change in our luck. Little did I know our luck was about to change, but in the wrong direction.

"Here comes a messenger, let's hope it's the Emperor telling us he's sending more troops, eh?" I chuckled in response and he left to go out the gates and listen to the messenger.

I decided to head back to the barracks, as I had nothing left to do. I started to think that I could bring out the lute again and play some more. I was not sure if the mood would change much after a battle so fierce though.

Once I had made it back to my tiny room in the barracks, I took off my shoes, which were encrusted with mud now, and began to scraqe them clean with a dagger. I thought I should at least try to make my shoes presentable in this place. I resolved that if I ever left this place I would find the first shop around here and immediately buy myself some boots to traverse the muddy grounds of Black Marsh.

I had nearly got my shoes cleaned off, when a commotion outside brought my attention to the small window in my room. I saw Captain Dunger approaching the barracks with an agitated band of Legionnaires. what is wrong now I thought. I quickly put on my shoes and left my room to find where the Captain was heading.

I found the Captain with the other Legionnaires following in the main hallway of the barracks. It seemed they were heading to an area I had yet to explore, so I simply joined the procession that seemed to grow as I followed.

I asked a guard passing me what was going on but he shrugged telling me he didn't know either. Soon almost every Imperial was assembled before Captain Dunger, who was atop a couple of crates to make his presence known. It seemed they had all assembled in the storage room, the only room big enough to hold them all.

"I have assembled you all here to announce a new order from the Emperor," he looked over the crowd below him, taking in all of the faces, "I have not brought everyone here, so we are still defended, so please tell the ones not present here the new order. You must not tell any of the Argonians here, but I'm sure they will figure it out on their own before long," he then sighed, almost like he wanted to build suspense, "we are to leave the encampment and leave the Argonians behind." Everyone in the room gasped in surprise and a few shouted out in outrage. I was simply shocked at the new news, this would mean the Argonians would be left undefended, free to be slaughtered by the slavers. Anger grew in me as this dawned on me and I too shouted my outrage at Captain Dunger.

"I know, I know, please let me continue," Captain Dunger brought silence to the room and then he continued, "The Emperor has ordered our retreat because of an attack on Anvil. The report is that it is marauders attacking, but the Emperor needs us for reinforcements, just in-case things get ugly."

"But what about the Argonians!" I shouted, unable to contain myself.

"They will have to fend for themselves." He said then turned to take a question from someone else. My other questions got drowned out by the rest of the groups'. When the group was ordered to dismiss and ready for departure I cornered Captain Dunger. When he saw my anger he sighed and kept walking.

"Yerick, I cannot do anything about this, it is a direct order by the Emperor. You do not disobey unless you want to die."

"But you must be able to do something! You could leave some guards behind to protect the Argonians!"

"I cannot. The Emperor ordered all of the Imperials here to leave."

"Curse the Emperor!" the curse brought surprise and anger around me from the Imperials around me, "we cannot just leave these people here, they will be massacred!"

"I know, but there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I wish I could do differently."

"Then do so, you do not have to follow the Emperor's orders. Think about it, would you sacrifice your rank for hundreds of lives?"

"Absolutely not, and I would not only lose my rank, but my life. Disobeying orders is punishable by death."

"The Emperor is a long way from here?"

"And I will not hide from the Emperor my whole life. Give it up we are leaving! I will not cross Talos to stay here any longer!"

"But? you can't just? just leave these people to die!" I yelled at him.

"Yes I can, and I must. So pack your bags we will have to leave before nightfall." I looked defiantly at Captain Dunger, then he noticed my look and said, "Staying here would mean death and you know it, you must come with us if you wish to live."

"What if," and I stopped him from walking any further and looked him in the eye, "I want to stay here and sacrifice myself to save these people."

"You will save no one staying here, leave or die."

"But if you were to stay you would save the lives of everyone here."

"And what?" he sighed aloud, "Stay here for another three years in fear of the damned slavers? These people have nothing left, their spirit died a very long time ago, and they only want to die now."

"I believe differently, these people will never loose complete hope. No one looses hope completely." He looked into my eyes once more then went around me without another word. I watched the guards pass by me, looking at me with concern, and then I moved to the wall out of everyone's way.

I leaned against the wall in shock. I could not believe what was happening, but it was. It was as if I was in a daze, and I found myself walking out of the barracks into the sun. I looked around me and saw all of the Argonians looking at the assembling Imperials in fear. I knew what they were thinking; they feared that we would leave them, and that was exactly what we were doing. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with the Argonians, I felt ashamed. My race had betrayed them.

It stung me with dread seeing the children in the streets look up at the passing Imperials with big beady eyes. They too seemed to know what was going on, and they feared their lives. No child should go through that.

The final pang of realization swept through the Argonians when they witnessed the Imperials taking down the flag. Women began to weep, men stood shocked as if stuck in the mud, and the children ran to their parents in fear. I looked to the sky praying for a miracle but nothing happened.

Stumbling through the camp, I looked at all of the Argonians and their fear. They had lost hope despite what I had said to Captain Dunger. They resigned themselves and knew they would die. Then I saw an Argonian pleading to an Imperial Legionnaire. I saw that this Argonian still had a little scrap of hope to plead for them to stay, and it raised my own hopes slightly. Then I heard the conversation.

"Please, I cannot die by the slavers. They will enjoy killing us slowly, I cannot have that happen to my people! You can still help!"

"I? I cannot." The guard looked completely shocked and terrified. This confused me at first.

"Then at least kill the children. Please at least save them the pain of the slavers!" The Argonian's words suddenly shook me into realization, he was asking the Legionnaire to kill them swiftly so they would not be slaughtered by the slavers. It sunk me even deeper in despair.

"We can't kill you, it is against the law, I am sorry."

"But we are asking you!" the Argonian was now on his knees, but the Legionnaire was already leaving. Then the Argonian crumpled up onto the ground and started sobbing uncontrollably.

I felt like I was suddenly thrown into a nightmare, I even hoped it was as such, but I knew better. I continued walking dazed to the center of the camp and spotted a bunch of crates beside a hut through bleary eyes. I sat on one of the crates and began to think of what to do, but everything came back to being slaughtered by the slavers. And, I myself, began to cry, for all hope was lost.

Then suddenly the crate from under him creaked and then splintered to pieces littering the muddy ground with its contents, and throwing me into the mud. I didn't care at first, but then my eyes focused on one of the contents and I noticed it was a potion. I picked it up the glass bottle with blue liquid inside and examined it, whipping the tears from my eyes. I thought it can't be, I uncorked the bottle and sniffed the contents. It was! The crate had spilled invisibility potions all over the ground, like a gift from the gods. I looked up at the sun and thanked the gods then gathered all of the potions up on the ground and called to a nearby Argonian.

The Argonian was rooted into place, still thinking hard about what had just occurred. I had to call to him again to get his attention. He jumped and looked at me with the potions gathered at my feet. He looked at me, confused, and then walked to me.

"What is this?" he asked in a weak voice.

"They are invisibility potions!" I could barely contain my excitement. This could get them out of the camp unscathed.

"What? But how did?" he trailed away as he picked one of the potions up and inspected it. Then his eyes light up and he turned and called more Argonians. He explained to everyone what the potions were and a ripple of excitement passed through them. Then I noticed a flaw in the plan.

"There are only 22 potions here." I said sadly.

"Then we will give them to the children. We have 19 children." The Argonian I called to first said without hesitation. The others nodded their head in agreement.

"What about the other potions?" Someone asked.

"One will go to Yerick and the other two to our pregnant women." He replied.

"Why me? I am not woman or child!" I asked confused.

"You are a friend to our race now. You stayed with us even when you could have left. That was a brave action, one that none of us forget. I will let you have the last potion because you are brave, and have a good heart. This, we will need for the leader of the escape." The Argonian explained to me, and I felt honored that he picked me, and was glad the Argonians recognized my actions.

"But? what about the rest of you?" I asked.

"We will face death, and we will not fear it." was the Argonian's simple answer. I looked around at the Argonians around me and saw the truth of the Argonian's words. They were all looking more determined than I had ever seen them before. I guess they thought if they were going to die, then they would die with honor.

"Quickly now, take the potions to the children and the two women and make your escape through the hole in the north wall. Don't stop running until you reach Cyrodiil. Kynareth protect you," another Argonian told me. The Argonian's words put me in action. I looked into every Argonian's eyes with a wordless goodbye and then dashed to find the children.

I quickly found all of the children and two pregnant women, Jesjia and Foliala. They both nearly refused the potions, telling me to administer them to someone else, but the surrounding Argonians insisted they come with me, so they did.

We assembled by the hole in the north wall that was cleverly concealed with a loose board. The Argonians said their goodbyes then, it was a terrible thing to watch. They all knew that this was the last time they would see each other alive. The children put up a fight when they had to separate themselves from their parents, but they were silent after the parents talked to them. They must have been subdued by fear and sadness.

I told them all to take the potions then. I swiftly downed my potion trying to ignore the terrible taste. As my figure was starting to fade, I turned to the Argonians watching.

"Never back down; I will make sure you are remembered forever for what happens today." I said and then I faded completely from everyone. I told the invisible children to follow my tracks, then I swung the board out of the way and silently crept out of the encampment. Looking behind I made sure everyone made it out then I began to head north.

I looked back at the entrance, which was facing east and I could already see men on horses galloping out of the camp and wagons carrying supplies not far behind. At this point, I regarded the cowardly soldiers with complete distaste. I would not abandon these people even if I were ordered to.

I quickly found the winding path that I took the other day to get to the camp and began following it up the hill, checking behind me to make sure everyone was following. Then I spotted a slaver and stopped. Jesjia bumped into the back of me and I whispered to her to tell everyone to stay put while I kill the slaver.

The slaver was a grisly man with a broad iron axe. I noticed blood on the blade and it fueled me even more. I silently but swiftly climbed the rocks to get to him and then snuck up behind him. I really thanked that I did have shoes now, as they made no noise when I stepped. Then I quickly drew my sword and continued the action by sweeping the blade across the slaver's back. I sliced the back of his neck and he fell to the ground, bled for a bit, then breathed out his last breath as he died. I faded back to invisible after being revealed by the action.

I traversed back to the invisible group and continued up the path without any more incidents.

By the time we reached the top of the hill the potions had ran out and we could see each other again. I helped the last child over a steep rock, and then got everyone to rest behind some trees, out of view of the encampment. Then I stood and watched the camp.

The slavers were already charging at the encampment. Then they reached the palisade and started to hack at it and set parts of it on fire. I watched in stunned silence, the slavers looked so desperate to kill. I did not understand how a human could kill so easily, and then I suddenly remembered what I had done to the lone slaver only a few minutes ago. I thought myself as a monster; equal to a slaver, at first then I looked back at the group of children and pregnant women and I decided it was necessary, or that same slaver would have killed them all.

The slavers were now breaking through the walls and spilling into the camp. I told myself not to watch, but my eyes couldn't move away. I had to see what would happen. The Argonians stood bravely against the onslaught of slavers. Some defended their mates and some fought back at the slavers with their fists. But, not one Argonian fled, it gave me a new perspective on life that I will never forget. These people took on death without ever faltering. But I could not watch, the gore and blood spraying was too much.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and when I looked over I saw Foliala with a tear stained face looking up at me. I wrapped her in a hug and together we walked over to the rest of the group and we began praying to the gods for the ones who were dieing in the camp at that moment. When we felt we had stopped long enough, we got up and started heading north, without looking back at the camp down below them.

I was constantly thinking of the Argonians who died, and how I could make them be remembered forever when I heard a sudden scream from behind. I whipped my head around and saw a group of about six slavers come out of the forest from behind us. I felt the adrenaline pump into my veins as I drew my sword and ran to the back of the group.

"Stay back or you will all die!" I shouted at the slavers.

"Silly Imperial," one of the slavers said and they all laughed, "You have Argonians that are our property."

"I said stay back!" I yelled at the lead slaver that started to approach me.

"I think we will kill all of them men, let's go!" and then the slavers drew their weapons and advanced upon me.

"Run!" I yelled back at the group. But they hesitated and only backed up slowly, wondering what to do to help me. At this point, the slavers were fighting me and I whirled my sword around and blocked all of the shots. I fought like I never had before, I felt like it was my duty to defend these women and children. The Argonians gave them to me for me to protect, and I wasn't about to let six slavers kill them.

A slaver's axe nicked my leg and I screamed in pain while swinging my sword around killing two slavers in one blow. The other four slavers faltered for a moment then rejoined the attack on me. I managed to stab my sword clean through one of the slavers, killing him instantly, but I left my self open for attack. One of the remaining three slavers swung a mace at my head and I ducked it, pulling my sword free from the dead body in the process. Then a sword whistled through the air to my gut, but I blocked it with my own sword. Then counter-attacked and killed another slaver, slicing his neck open. Then I tripped one of the remaining two slavers and stabbed my blade through his heart. Just then, I heard the last slaver charge from behind me and then I felt the most intense pain I had ever felt as the blade pieced straight through my back and I saw the blade protruding from my chest.

"Run!" I gasped at the group of Argonians. They obeyed this time and dashed off into the forest. Then the blade that was in my chest retracted and brought fresh pain as it left my body. I crumpled to the ground as the extreme pain wrecked my body.

"I will enjoy killing you? Argonian lover!" then the remaining slaver brought his sword up into the air and brought it smashing down to me. However, I had my sword out and managed to block the blade at the last moment. With all the force in my body, I swung one of my legs under his and the slaver fell to the ground next to me. Then I rolled over on top of him and brought my sword to his neck.

"You don't even deserve to live." I said then drew my sword across his neck and killing him. I fell back into the mud on the ground and breathed a sigh of relief. I got the Argonians away from the camp safely and I killed seven slavers in the process. Now my chest was bleeding profusely and I might die any moment. With all of my will, I got to my feet, held my chest and back to try to stop the bleeding, and then started to stumble north.

I don't remember ever walking through Black Marsh but I woke to find myself in a small house. An old woman was above me and tending to my wound.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"You are in the West Wield, in Cyrodiil. I saw you walking by my house so I tried to talk to you but you only looked at me then passed out. You're safe now so don't worry."

"Have you seen any Argonians?" I had to ask.

"Well that's a silly question, of course if seen them. I've met a few in Skingrad before."

"No, have you seen them walking out of Black Marsh? There were 19 children and 2 women." My voice sounded weak.

"Shhh? I'm sure they are alright, you need to rest."

I looked over to the window by the bed I was laying in. I saw the women and children Argonians passing the house, and I tried to get up or tell the old woman, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not and I fell asleep.

That concludes my adventure through Black Marsh. Ever since, I've been a completely different person, and I've decided to live my life to the fullest in Skingrad with a wife and children. I have given up hunting, and I am now a storyteller and bard at the local inns and taverns here.

I often wonder whether I really did see the Argonians outside the window or if it was just a hallucination. I wish I could see them one more time, but I think wherever they are they are safe from slavers. Don't ask me why, but I feel it in my bones that they are safe.

I wrote this story so that you, the reader, will know what I know and maybe we as a people will recognize the wrong that has happened and try to fix it. Also I hope that no one will ever forget those Argonians that died during that summer. Racism against Argonians is a thing I cannot comprehend, and the only thing I could possibly have against the Argonians is jealousy, for they are the bravest people I have ever met.
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Marie Maillos
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:50 am

Hot Damn! Not bad, dude!
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FABIAN RUIZ
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:23 am

Hot Damn! Not bad, dude!

Thanks for reading, and the response :foodndrink:
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R.I.p MOmmy
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:42 pm

that was a good one!
(super long though)
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LittleMiss
 
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Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2006 6:22 am

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:47 am

I really enjoyed that. I really felt bad for for those poor Argonians. Well done!
The only criticism I have is the combat scenes. Not the strongest point of the story, too much "and then and then and then".
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vanuza
 
Posts: 3522
Joined: Fri Sep 22, 2006 11:14 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:39 am

Alright a few things

Overall, an amazing story.

Secondly, the children don't look like normal argonians.

Thirdly, the argonians barely show emotion, except anger, which is shown by them showing their fangs.

Fourth, the combat was...ok...

Other than that, it was fantastic.
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Rhysa Hughes
 
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Joined: Thu Nov 23, 2006 3:00 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:31 pm

Generic disclaimer: Please note that the following critique is an attempt at constructive criticisim, and is not meant to put down the writer or his/her work. It is meant to illuminate the writer's strengths and weaknesses, and the simple fact that it's so damned long should be testament to how much potential said writer obviously has. However, this critique is also the expression of a single poster's opinion, and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you don't agree with something I bring up, go ahead and ignore it. I will not be insulted if you do.

--------------------------------------------------------

First of all... good job. You don't get many short stories here (most of us, including yours truly, seem inclined toward long epic tales), but you've shown that short stories can be just as good to sink into. I can imagine myself finding this book in-game and settling down with a bottle of Sujamma (read: bottle of Mountain Dew) to read it.

You've got an excellent sense of pacing and dramatic build-up. From the moment you mentioned that slavers wandered the swamp, wanting to enslave the Argonians, I knew something was going to happen to the camp; you drew out the suspense and milked it expertly by lifting their spirits first and mentioning children. These heightened the tragedy of the entire thing, and the victory when at least some got out safely.

This story was also powerful. While the idea of the advlts sacrificing themselves for their children feels a little canned, we, as readers, would have it no other way. The tri-cornered conflict between the slavers, the Argonians, and the Empire was also well-depicted. I would entirely expect the Legion to abandon wilderness work on word that a Cyrodiilic city is under attack... after all, what are a handful of Argonians next to a city full of Imperial citizens?

Considering the fact that you're "not into TES lore" you did pretty well for yourself. (Mostly, you kept things vague enough that we were able to fill in the details ourselves). The 3E 390s were a really war-torn time (thanks a lot, Jagar Tharn!), so nothing in this strikes me as entirely off-base. Then again, my lore is fairly rusty, so someone better-read than myself can correct me.

The one thing that set off my Lore Alarm was this line:

That was one hell of a fight.


...and that's just because it's a colloquial expression that doesn't fit in the world, since "hell" isn't a thing to Nirn.

The narrator has a pretty solid voice, and is relatively easy to empathize with. Yerick strikes me as something of an "everyman"... he's a little bland, but nonetheless has a good heart. His very commonality makes him easy to understand, and his reactions to things seem only natural and right. Personally, I'd prefer a bit more spice to his character (maybe he's afraid of the Argonians at first; maybe he used to have ties to one of the three groups; or maybe he's just bit of a klutz), but that's entirely a matter of personal preference, and should not be taken as gospel. I did like the fact that he initially ran from the fight with the slavers, but then found the courage to fight back when he was protecting the children--a classic character development arc. The switch from "omg i'm scared" to "lol I pwned those slavers" was a bit jarring, since the bloodthirstiness of the latter seemed a little out of character. Then again, after what he had seen, it was rather understandable for him to be angry and bitter. So I think I'm just nitpicking to nitpick.

Speaking of nitpicking... let's talk grammar.

I'm rather notorious for coming down on people for their mechanics (grammar, spelling, punctuation... all that good structural stuff). Overall, yours are pretty solid. Your grammar is fantastic, I didn't see a single typo (which is more than I can say for my own works!), and everything was generally just fairly well-structured. You have talent in this.

I did note a couple word-swaps (decent for descent, lead for led, etc), but those were sparse. I also felt that your narrative style was choppy at times, with too many short sentences following one another... but I'd rather that than run-ons.

For example, this paragraph is choppy:

In my time within Black Marsh, I had only seen a few slavers moving through the marshes. I had heard that they were mostly men from Morrowind that looked to earn money by capturing Argonian slaves and selling them in Morrowind. They had always carried a vicious look and I had always avoided them if I could. The Argonians would usually be found in their villages. This year, they were especially careful, and on the lookout for the slavers that infested the wilderness. Slavery was becoming common within this country. I had thought little on the subject, however. I had only the thought of hope, hope for catching that sly creature. I had never expected to find myself at one of the Emperor's camps, which were to protect the Argonians against the slavers. I decided it would be worthwhile to check it out and see how these encampments were set up. I was curious, like usual with my relatively young age. I was 20 during that summer.


This paragraph is less so:

In my time within Black Marsh, I had only seen a few slavers moving through the marshes: I had heard that they were mostly men from Morrowind that looked to earn money by capturing Argonian slaves and selling them in Morrowind. They had always carried a vicious look and I had always avoided them if I could. The Argonians would usually be found in their villages; this year, they were especially careful, and on the lookout for the slavers that infested the wilderness. Slavery was becoming common within this country, though I had thought little on the subject. I had only the thought of hope... hope for catching that sly creature. I had never expected to find myself at one of the Emperor's camps, which were to protect the Argonians against the slavers. I decided it would be worthwhile to check it out and see how these encampments were set up, since I was curious, like usual with my relatively young age--I was 20 during that summer.


Just try reading your story out loud; if you feel you're stopping at periods too frequently, try inserting one of the many other punctuation options instead. Colons (: ), Semi-colons (; ), M-dashes (--), and elipses (...) can go far in helping smooth out choppy sentences.

Which brings me to the one mechanical thing I want to touch on... punctuation. This, as far as I can tell, is the only structural thing you're actually weak on. For example, you frequently use commas (,) to seperate independent clauses. That's a big no-no... use a semi-colon (; ) instead.

You seem especially confused as to what to do with punctuation when it comes to dialogue. This...

"I would rather like to see the encampment if it wouldn't be any trouble." I told the Legionnaire.

"You will have to check in with Captain Dunger," he looked me up and down, "we do not want slavers within the camp."

"That is fine, I am not a slaver."


...should actually be this.

"I would rather like to see the encampment if it wouldn't be any trouble," I told the Legionnaire.

"You will have to check in with Captain Dunger." He looked me up and down. "We do not want slavers within the camp."

"That is fine; I am not a slaver."


If you use verbs like "said," "told," "informed," etc--words that need a blurb of dialogue to complete them--you should attach the necessary dialogue either before or after, and seperate it with a comma. If the sentence is an independent clause all by itself (as in "he looked me up and down" ), it gets its own period.

The best thing I can do is to suggest you read up on your punctuation. Failing that, find your favorite work of fiction (any genre and length) and read it, paying attention to how the author uses punctuation, particularly around dialogue. Reading is one of my favorite ways to brush up on grammar.

Okay, so that's out of the way.

One other thing that you don't necessarily do badly, but nonetheless could stand some improvement on, is your description. For example, I repeatedly found myself wondering what sort of creature Yerick was following. Right now, the elusive monster is very obviously nothing but a literary device to get him near the Legion encampment. It might make it more real if you fleshed it out a bit... what class of animal is it in? Is it big, small, furry, scaley, flying, sneaking, quadropedal, humanoid, or magical? And why does the narrator want this particular one? Just for the challenge of catching something elusive? Or is it dangerous? Or do its pelts/horns/feathers/scales sell well?

Along those lines, you have a tendency to tell us things that would be obvious if you showed them in a more interesting way (a principle that is call, oh-so-surprisingly, "show, don't tell"). For example, this sentence...

It produced an audible squelch, and I noticed Relgan's distaste for the mud and the surroundings.


...would be more interesting and more descriptive if you wrote it something like this...

It produced an audible squelch. Relgan pulled a boot out of the mud, one side of his lip curling. He turned a glare out at the swamp as a whole, as if blaming it for the muck now dripping off his sole.


Similarly, this line near the end of the story...

That concludes my adventure through Black Marsh. Ever since, I've been a completely different person, and I've decided to live my life to the fullest in Skingrad with a wife and children. I have given up hunting, and I am now a storyteller and bard at the local inns and taverns here.


...would probably be best without the "I've been a completely different person." The reader doesn't need to be told that if the rest of the paragraph explains how he's given up hunting and has settled down to tell stories. It's obvious; having to be told "I've changed" like that is given the reader too little credit, and is repetative to boot.

So, basically, the principle of "show, don't tell" is something that you learn to integrate better and better with time (admittedly, I'm still working on it too). Like I said before, your descriptions are by no means bad. But if you were to work on your writing, that is the one major area that I could see improvement in.

So yes, in answer to your question, you're a "good" writer (whatever that means :P ). You have a solid style and an excellent sense of storytelling. Keep writing; you obviously enjoy it, and you're definitely more than capable of churning out a good story. :goodjob:
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A Boy called Marilyn
 
Posts: 3391
Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 7:17 am

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:23 pm

The one thing that set off my Lore Alarm was this line:



...and that's just because it's a colloquial expression that doesn't fit in the world, since "hell" isn't a thing to Nirn.

hate to be nitpicky BSparrow, but saying hell would have a lore basis, as its been used before in the TES games.

Cyrus: Where the hell is my sister?

Yaeli: And who the hell are you?

http://www.imperial-library.info/tsorg/part07.shtml

Also, Captain Burd called the oblivion gate a hell-spawned gate in TES IV. I have no idea why I just did that.

As for the story, I must say I did like it. good job overall. :tops:
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kat no x
 
Posts: 3247
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:39 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:35 pm

hate to be nitpicky BSparrow, but saying hell would have a lore basis, as its been used before in the TES games.


http://www.imperial-library.info/tsorg/part07.shtml

Also, Captain Burd called the oblivion gate a hell-spawned gate in TES IV. I have no idea why I just did that.

As for the story, I must say I did like it. good job overall. :tops:


Ooh, I stand very much corrected. :read:

Nice catch, DarthRavanger, and thanks. I'll make sure not to make that particular mistake in the future.
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Del Arte
 
Posts: 3543
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2006 8:40 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:25 pm

Ooh, I stand very much corrected. :read:

Nice catch, DarthRavanger, and thanks. I'll make sure not to make that particular mistake in the future.

Your welcome. :P
BSparrow, how exaclty does one pronounce your username? am I to read it as B Sparrow or what?
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Nick Tyler
 
Posts: 3437
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 8:57 am

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:34 pm

Your welcome. :P
BSparrow, how exaclty does one pronounce your username? am I to read it as B Sparrow or what?


Eh, "Sparrow" is fine. The "B" is an initial referring to something from a different forum. A very old something, at that. :P
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Lucie H
 
Posts: 3276
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:46 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:21 pm

Eh, "Sparrow" is fine. The "B" is an initial referring to something from a different forum. A very old something, at that. :P

So all this time I've been thinking it's pronounced 'BS' then 'parrow' and I'm wrong :facepalm:

Well it's good someone brought it up :P
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Nicholas C
 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:20 am

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:22 am

Hmmm...may I make a WILD guess...

BLACK sparrow?

:whistle:
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maddison
 
Posts: 3498
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 9:22 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:58 am

Hmmm...may I make a WILD guess...

BLACK sparrow?

:whistle:



:blink:

How'd you... what...

Bleh.

Now let's stop spamming this thread and never mention my embarrassing old handle again. :D
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Natalie Taylor
 
Posts: 3301
Joined: Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:54 pm

Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:25 pm

I really enjoyed that. I really felt bad for for those poor Argonians. Well done!
The only criticism I have is the combat scenes. Not the strongest point of the story, too much "and then and then and then".

The wost point in my writing is combat, I found that out while RPing on another forum; I just don't like to write it :shrug:

But I'll try to use less "and then"'s though :)

Alright a few things

Overall, an amazing story.

Secondly, the children don't look like normal argonians.

Thirdly, the argonians barely show emotion, except anger, which is shown by them showing their fangs.

Fourth, the combat was...ok...

Other than that, it was fantastic.

Thanks for the compliment, and like I said, my TES lore svcks, so that is why I made those mistakes. I would fix it if it didn't break the story, but I think it would...

Generic disclaimer: Please note that the following critique is an attempt at constructive criticisim, and is not meant to put down the writer or his/her work. It is meant to illuminate the writer's strengths and weaknesses, and the simple fact that it's so damned long should be testament to how much potential said writer obviously has. However, this critique is also the expression of a single poster's opinion, and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you don't agree with something I bring up, go ahead and ignore it. I will not be insulted if you do.

--------------------------------------------------------

First of all... good job. You don't get many short stories here (most of us, including yours truly, seem inclined toward long epic tales), but you've shown that short stories can be just as good to sink into. I can imagine myself finding this book in-game and settling down with a bottle of Sujamma (read: bottle of Mountain Dew) to read it.

You've got an excellent sense of pacing and dramatic build-up. From the moment you mentioned that slavers wandered the swamp, wanting to enslave the Argonians, I knew something was going to happen to the camp; you drew out the suspense and milked it expertly by lifting their spirits first and mentioning children. These heightened the tragedy of the entire thing, and the victory when at least some got out safely.

This story was also powerful. While the idea of the advlts sacrificing themselves for their children feels a little canned, we, as readers, would have it no other way. The tri-cornered conflict between the slavers, the Argonians, and the Empire was also well-depicted. I would entirely expect the Legion to abandon wilderness work on word that a Cyrodiilic city is under attack... after all, what are a handful of Argonians next to a city full of Imperial citizens?

Considering the fact that you're "not into TES lore" you did pretty well for yourself. (Mostly, you kept things vague enough that we were able to fill in the details ourselves). The 3E 390s were a really war-torn time (thanks a lot, Jagar Tharn!), so nothing in this strikes me as entirely off-base. Then again, my lore is fairly rusty, so someone better-read than myself can correct me.

Thank you for the encouragement, you have no idea what that means to me.

The one thing that set off my Lore Alarm was this line:



...and that's just because it's a colloquial expression that doesn't fit in the world, since "hell" isn't a thing to Nirn.

I think that is settled :P

The narrator has a pretty solid voice, and is relatively easy to empathize with. Yerick strikes me as something of an "everyman"... he's a little bland, but nonetheless has a good heart. His very commonality makes him easy to understand, and his reactions to things seem only natural and right. Personally, I'd prefer a bit more spice to his character (maybe he's afraid of the Argonians at first; maybe he used to have ties to one of the three groups; or maybe he's just bit of a klutz), but that's entirely a matter of personal preference, and should not be taken as gospel. I did like the fact that he initially ran from the fight with the slavers, but then found the courage to fight back when he was protecting the children--a classic character development arc. The switch from "omg i'm scared" to "lol I pwned those slavers" was a bit jarring, since the bloodthirstiness of the latter seemed a little out of character. Then again, after what he had seen, it was rather understandable for him to be angry and bitter. So I think I'm just nitpicking to nitpick.

You are right about that, I totally neglected fleshing out the main character in this story (I have no idea why...). I'll try to make my main characters more... unique next time :D

Speaking of nitpicking... let's talk grammar.

I'm rather notorious for coming down on people for their mechanics (grammar, spelling, punctuation... all that good structural stuff). Overall, yours are pretty solid. Your grammar is fantastic, I didn't see a single typo (which is more than I can say for my own works!), and everything was generally just fairly well-structured. You have talent in this.

I did note a couple word-swaps (decent for descent, lead for led, etc), but those were sparse. I also felt that your narrative style was choppy at times, with too many short sentences following one another... but I'd rather that than run-ons.

For example, this paragraph is choppy:



This paragraph is less so:



Just try reading your story out loud; if you feel you're stopping at periods too frequently, try inserting one of the many other punctuation options instead. Colons (: ), Semi-colons (; ), M-dashes (--), and elipses (...) can go far in helping smooth out choppy sentences.

Which brings me to the one mechanical thing I want to touch on... punctuation. This, as far as I can tell, is the only structural thing you're actually weak on. For example, you frequently use commas (,) to seperate independent clauses. That's a big no-no... use a semi-colon (; ) instead.

A few english teachers have come down on me about punctuation. It's just hard for me to pick which punctuation to use. That or I'm really in to writing the story at the time, and I don't care what punctuation I use, I just want to write the damn story! :P Your suggestion about reading it out-loud might help me with that when I go to edit.

You seem especially confused as to what to do with punctuation when it comes to dialogue. This...



...should actually be this.



If you use verbs like "said," "told," "informed," etc--words that need a blurb of dialogue to complete them--you should attach the necessary dialogue either before or after, and seperate it with a comma. If the sentence is an independent clause all by itself (as in "he looked me up and down" ), it gets its own period.

The best thing I can do is to suggest you read up on your punctuation. Failing that, find your favorite work of fiction (any genre and length) and read it, paying attention to how the author uses punctuation, particularly around dialogue. Reading is one of my favorite ways to brush up on grammar.

Again, you pick out my grammar weaknesses like a hawk! :P You're right about me being confused about dialogue, I never really learned it, and had to teach myself (rather badly I should say). I'll check out one of my books I'm reading for the dialogue stuff.

Okay, so that's out of the way.

One other thing that you don't necessarily do badly, but nonetheless could stand some improvement on, is your description. For example, I repeatedly found myself wondering what sort of creature Yerick was following. Right now, the elusive monster is very obviously nothing but a literary device to get him near the Legion encampment. It might make it more real if you fleshed it out a bit... what class of animal is it in? Is it big, small, furry, scaley, flying, sneaking, quadropedal, humanoid, or magical? And why does the narrator want this particular one? Just for the challenge of catching something elusive? Or is it dangerous? Or do its pelts/horns/feathers/scales sell well?

You know, it's funny how you point that out, because I purposely didn't say what the creature was because I couldn't find a creature that lived in the blackmarsh. I literally spent the better part of an hour scouring through pages looking for a creature that lived in the blackmarsh and found nothing. Soo... I basically left the description blank on that one. I didn't realize it would be that easy to notice though.

Along those lines, you have a tendency to tell us things that would be obvious if you showed them in a more interesting way (a principle that is call, oh-so-surprisingly, "show, don't tell"). For example, this sentence...



...would be more interesting and more descriptive if you wrote it something like this...



Similarly, this line near the end of the story...



...would probably be best without the "I've been a completely different person." The reader doesn't need to be told that if the rest of the paragraph explains how he's given up hunting and has settled down to tell stories. It's obvious; having to be told "I've changed" like that is given the reader too little credit, and is repetative to boot.

So, basically, the principle of "show, don't tell" is something that you learn to integrate better and better with time (admittedly, I'm still working on it too). Like I said before, your descriptions are by no means bad. But if you were to work on your writing, that is the one major area that I could see improvement in.

I see, I guess I have to stop writing like I'm writing to 5 year olds and start letting the reader to assume things. It'll be hard to break the habit, but I'll definitely try

So yes, in answer to your question, you're a "good" writer (whatever that means :P ). You have a solid style and an excellent sense of storytelling. Keep writing; you obviously enjoy it, and you're definitely more than capable of churning out a good story. :goodjob:

Again, thanks for that encouragement, I don't think I would like to write as much as I do if no one liked it :lol:

And thank you for actually reading my really long story, AND telling me what I did wrong. That criticism is hard to get, most people are too lazy to read the whole story. :foodndrink:
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P PoLlo
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:43 am

This was great, what a creative mind you have!
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Jordan Fletcher
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:55 am

Good story but it was so long i only read about 1/2 of it, try breaking your next story up into chapters to keep your readers engaged.
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Lisa Robb
 
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Post » Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:32 pm

The ending made me mad, seeing the argonians walk by and never being able to tell them that he's okay, that the slavers didn't kill him.
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Blackdrak
 
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