Hmm, your desriptioon is pretty good, and other peope have pointed out the grammar/spelling problems, so I'll tacke everything put together.

First of all, your style for writing combat contains far too many I's, this is what it lookewd like as I read it.

"I did this then I did this, I did this cause he did that and then I did this."

See, that was just a quicky-example, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. Add more than just actions. Feelings, thoughts, and the like make your charicter seem less static and more like an actual person.

Okay wow my internet went down yesterday and MY ENTIRE CHAPTER GOT DELETED RIGHT BEFORE I GOT A CHANCE TO FINISH IT! :cryvaultboy: Argh!!!!!!!!!! Im so mad!! Well I will try to finish it today.............

Part 4: Out of the frying pan and into the irradated hell hole
I handed him my revolver, my spare security armor and the dead gaurd's G3. And we were ready to go with the knowledge that we were both risking our lives for the safety of a simple pack animal.

Alrighty, here's a big thing I should say before I get to nitty gritty, it's alot easier to tell when a conversation is happening when you use ("") to show someone is talking, and lines in between different speakers, here's a example.

"Hey Jeff, how's it going man?" Johnny said while he picked up his assault rifle.

"Ah, same old same old. How's it going with that chick back at Megaton?" Jeff inquired.

Isn't that easier to see it's a conversation? Alrighty, besides that little forum grammer lesson, here's the nitty gritty:

combination of starvation,disease and most likely radiation poisoning. - remeber to use enough (,): combintation of starvation, disease(,) and most likely radiation poisoning. Another example: I was suddenly hungry, thirsty(,) and slightly sore.

who was carrying an rusted G3 assault rifle - who was carrying a rusted G3 assault rifle ( use a instead of an)

The other nitty gritty other people will pick up, but another general rule is this. Use (,) in the middle of sentences (sometimes) I'll give an example from your post:

Making sure to kill the man closest to the trader I fired 3 rounds into his chest. - Making sure to kill the man closest to the trader, I fired three rounds into his chest.

Also, you want to spell out numbers untill you get above ten, after that though just use 11, 12, 25, or whatever. I'm not sure if that is a rule but that is how I do it. Story wise, good job adding a twist right on exit. If you just went to megaton I would have been bored.

Ha ha thanks Robco :foodndrink: Yeah I will try that when I start writing my next chapter. Ill also try to throw in some more twists later on :hubbahubba: Oh and do you think I should add some more things such as weapons or food?Or maybe even a new cult or two?

Hey what ever you want man, once you start writing it's your universe. If you think you can write about some new cult, and make it interesting, go for it!

Part 5: Charlie and the drug factory
As Nick started looting the raider's bodies for anything that was of any value I found that I had some time to just sit and think about my situation. I started thinking about my father. "Was he ok?" I silently asked myself. After that I started checking out and than trying to fix the condition that our weapons were in. All of them were rusty and some like the frag grenades I was afraid to even us for fear that they may just not go off or even simply blow up in my hand. I was just about finished repairing the weapons when Nick suddenly came over to where I was working. " Look I know you are having fun but in case you have not noticed we still have a job to do!" I grabbed an M4 carbine, my pistol and, some of my remaining Medical supplies and quickly followed him.

"SO MUCH FOR COMING IN UNNOTICED!" I yelled as I dodged bullet fire and ran to a nearby section of the schools partially destroyed walls. "Look how the hell was I supposed to know that the damn raiders would post guards at the back entrance and maybe instead of [censored]ing at me you should be shooting the bastards that are [censored] trying to KILL us!" Nick yelled as he was returning fire. I answered him by shooting the crossbow toting sniper in face. With anger in my eyes I popped out of cover and shot a raider that was trying to get close to us. As nick shot and killed the last remaining raider I finally got the courage to let out a weak laugh of victory. As the adrenaline exited my body I saw nick messing around with some of the frag grenades he had looted earlier. "What the hell are you doing with those damn grenades man? They are completely useless!" "Look I know a bit about explosives I can make a pretty good bomb with these" " but what the hell are you going to do with a bomb out here!? Weren't the gunshots loud enough!" I said with a slight bit of anger in my voice. "Well poppa always told me that when you cant come in quietly you should come in loudly!"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE" Nick yelled as he ran away from the fiery explosion. "Damn that was louder than I thought" Nick said as he grabbed his G3 assault rifle. Knowing that pretty soon we would be fighting in close quarters I grabbed a sawed off shot gun and some shells from the now dead raider. Now inside we both started searching for the the lost brahmin.

There was a disgusting array of bodies all of them tortured and maimed hanging from both the walls and the ceiling. But worst of all in a large cage there was the destroyed skeletal remains of children. Most of them did not look to be older than 8 years old. " What kind of [censored] sick person could do such a thing to these poor kids!" I angrily said to myself as I punched a nearby wall in my frustration.

Suddenly 2 more raiders rushed out of the school hallway. Pleased to be able to punish the bastards who had killed the kids fired at them. As the first raider fell dead I made sure to only incapacitate the second one. His face in pain he started begging for my mercy. "Ill show you the same mercy you showed those kids you disgusting piece of [censored]" I quickly dragged him by the hair and threw him into the cage which contained the bodies of the murdered children and shot him in the face.

Like a man in a dream I drifted through the stagnant school hallways killing every single raider that I met along the way. When the main halls had finally been purified of all the raider scum. I climbed up to the stairs and entered the destroyed library only to stop dead in my tracks.

When we had first entered the school Nick decided that we both should split up so that we could cover more ground. I of course reluctantly agreed. Now it seemed that nick had been once again captured by what seemed to be the raider ringleader. The ring leader was now interrogating Nick on what had happened. He seemed almost amused by the fact that we had been able to both penetrate what he called his "fortress" and kill a lot of his men. He was offering Nick his life if he just agreed to both give up his weapons and reveal my location.

But to my surprise Nick simply spat in the leaders face. Knowing that it was going to be a tough fight I leaped in killing the raider leader first. Tossing Nick my assault rifle first I took out my pistol and fired at a Uzi wielding raider killing him. I screamed as I took out my baseball bat and struck down a raider the was trying to attack me with a lead pipe. Diving back into cover behind a book counter I started providing covering fire for the now pinned down Nick. With a weak smile he quickly thanked me as he ran into cover beside me. He grabbed the ring leaders polished AK 74 and handed it to me. I thanked him by dropping 2 of the 6 raiders that where still trying to kill us.

As all the raiders lay dead and looted we finally moved on towards finding charlie. We went downstairs only to be stopped by 2 more of the remaining raiders. Diving into cover for what I hoped to be the last one I put a burst of assault rifle fire into their direction. I managed to hit one of them directly in the chest but to my surprise he still kept running towards with a tire iron. He screamed with complete insanity as I shot him once again in the chest. Still alive and now howling like some kind of animal the raider jumped upon me as he tackled me to the ground.

Nick rushed over to me stabbing the insane raider in the spine. As he pulled the now finally dead raider's twitching body off of me he was rushed by the dead raider's friend. Hungry for vengeance I threw the raider against the wall breaking his nose in the process. Seemingly unhindered by this he spun around and tried to stab me with what looked like a bayonet with a crude handle attached to the bottom. Dodging his attack I pulled out my pistol and was about to shoot him when I suddenly felt a searing pain in my chest.

As I fell to my knees I saw what had caused my injury another raider in what seemed to be lab equipment had shot me with his pistol. As Nick shot my stab happy attacker I pulled out my pistol and killed the raider in the lab coat. With all the strength that he had left the raider opened a door that led to what seemed to be a large tunnel.

Suddenly giant ants that had been previously startled by the noise of the gun fight started crawling up. I picked up my AK and started firing at the monstrous ants. Nick suddenly coming to his senses started firing as well. knowing that we would not be able to hold them of for long Nick threw the last 2 of his frag grenades at the horde. But to our horror only three had died in the explosion . As what seemed to be dozens of ants started crawling out of the whole I threw my last grenade silently hoping that it would cause a cave in. But for almost no reason at all the ants started viciously fighting amongst themselves. The now frenzied ants seemed to have completely forgotten about our existence. As they started killing each other we sprinted into a the schools old science lab. "Charlie!" Nick yelled excitedly as he pointed to a mooing creature that had been trapped behind a small fence.

Charlie was by far one of the ugliest creatures I had ever seen in my life. His skin was brown and cancerous while his utters where full of warts. It almost reminded me of the pictures of cows that you would some times see on the back of milk cartons. But while those cows where happy and white with black spots this thing was brown and worst of all it had 2 heads!

As Nick rushed over to free his pet I had time to survey my surroundings. What had once been used for teaching school children the basics of science had now been turned in to what looked to be a drug lab. There where empty syringes and hypodermic needles littered all over the floor. It seemed that the reason that the raiders who had attacked us earlier had survived our bullets and felt no pain due to the massive amount of home made drugs they had taken earlier.After we had freed Charlie and finally gotten out of that damn god forsaken school we decided to finally start heading to Megaton.

With the school now behind us and a lot of new loot on our backs we were finally ready to call it a day and rest if only for a short time.

Good post, the combat scenes still look like they are just. I did, then he did, then the enemy did, then I did, etc.. Try looking at some books you have around your house, and see how the authors do combat scenes, books like LotR are pretty good to look at. But the combat scenes have improved alot. Here are the mistakes I found:

checking out and than - checking out and then

Dodging his attack I pulled out my pistol and was about to shoot him when I suddenly felt a searing pain in my chest. As I fell to my knees I saw what had caused my injury another raider in what seemed to be lab equipment had shot me with his pistol. As Nick shot my stab happy attacker I pulled out my pistol and killed the raider in the lab coat. - You have the protagonist pull out his pistol twice during the same combat scene.

I have to go to work soon so I didn't find all of them, good post though. My only story question is how did he take a bullet to the chest, feel a searing pain, and only fall to his knees? It seems like after that the bullet has no more affect on him than it did the drugged up phyco's.

Oh it was because of the vault security armor which I assume had bullet proof padding. Although the bullet cause a good bit of injury it did not penetrate the armor enough to kill him or even hurt him he was mostly feeling the impact of the bullet hitting the armor.

You've got something decent going on here, but as a beginner, I'm sure you'll want some tips from the pros. Go check out my awesome Fallout 3 Borderlands LBP crossover to see a masterpiece. Sometimes, an example is all you need.

ROFL, don't go look if you want grammer advice. But, I guess I forgot that he was wearing bullet proof padding. But I guess if he was wearing bullet proof padding it would have felt like a punch more than a searing pain.

Yeah I have never been shot and the few books that I have read that have people getting shot usually describe it like that lol But yeah I was trying to make it a bit more dramatic Any ways thanks for looking over and actually reading my work robco employee mind if I add you as a friend?

Part 6: No rest for the weary

As we walked past the ruins of Springvale I took one last look at the hill upon which my old childhood home of the vault lay. I shrugged off the slight feeling of home sickness and regret and kept moving forward. After walking for what now seemed like hours under the scorching heat of the capitol wastelands desert we finally saw a badly made signed that pointed to the settlement of Megaton. Eager to finally be able to get some well needed rest we quickened our pace from a brisk walk to full on running. Smiling but very sore we started approaching the main gate of the huge metal town only to be stopped by the now familiar sound of gunfire.

DAMN! What the hell are the talon company doing over here!? Nick literally screamed this as he pulled out his assault rifle and started pouring fire towards the position of what to me seemed like a dozen very well armed and armored raiders. I too pulled out my own AK 74 and started sending a few well aimed bursts at the backs of the surrounded mercenaries killing four of them in the process.

Realizing that they where in an extremely bad position the remaining mercs started to retreat towards the west. Foolishly thinking that the battle had been won a lot of the settlements defenders started to cheer but where cut off by the sound of light machine gun fire.

The remaining talon company mercenaries had now set up a much better position amidst the tall boulders that surrounded the town. Bullets whizzed above my head as I frantically jumped behind the sturdiest looking boulder I could find. I yelled for everyone to focus their fire on the gunner and started to do so myself.

Even though we out numbered the mercenaries 2 to 1 a lot of the defenders had simply lost hope and ran away. Not at all intimidated by the fear of death a man that seemed to be dressed in a wild west sheriff costume rushed at the Gunner from behind. Knowing that i know had a clear shot My teeth clenched I carefully aimed my weapon and fired a 6 round burst into the spine of the gunner. As his twitching frame fell to the ground I started aiming my fire towards his remaining comrades.After their gunner lay dead many of the remaining mercs had simply lost heart and started to once again flee their position only to gunned down by either me or nick.

After the all of the Talon company mercenaries had been neutralized Nick and I started looting the bodies for any thing that was of value. We were soon joined by the towns now cheering defenders. Many of them started to fire their guns into the air and all of the spat unto the twisted and bloodied faces of the now dead assailants. After replacing our now torn up vault riot gear with the much nicer and durable talon company armor we were greeted by the towns sheriff.

He was a man who obviously had scene the worst that the waste land had to offer yet he still manged to keep a sort of tenderness and maybe even happiness. He was also a man who was very proud and protective of his town.

Smiling broadly he shook our hands and invited us into the town."Damn! You boys sure picked a helluva time to come to our part of the wasteland! Any ways thanks for the assist guys we really did need it". He pointed a finger at me and than laughed "well ill sure be damned another vault dweller!"

My eye suddenly lit up as he told me about the "other vault dweller'". Apparently my father had been through this town and had stopped to talk to some saloon owner named Moriarty. Nick and I figured that we might as well check out the saloon and hope fully get some information on where my dad had gone of to.

Always good to see new, young writers. Don't be discouraged by things like grammar, you can fix these things with relative ease.

A suggestion on your pacing and plot; it's one fight scene after another. In Vault 101, he has a fight and gets angry. In Springvale, he has a fight and gets angry. Approaching Megaton...you see the pattern.

This is all very well in gameplay, since you're controlling the flow of combat. But in writing, as well as being a bit samey, overuse can lead to a breaking of the most important thing in fiction; willing suspense of disbelief. Your protagonist is constantly fighting, constantly furious. In reality this would begin to drain anybody, let alone a naive vault dweller. In gameplay this is represented by your character being killed and reloading, or pumping yourself with stimpaks to survive. In writing you need to make your protagonist believable.

Other than that it's a great start, hope you write more.
:goodjob:

Part 7: A remnant of past sins

For a stinking pile of dead flesh Gob the bartender was actually a pretty nice guy. When I first saw him I nearly gasped with fear. His visage was heavily scarred and completely rotten. While his crooked arms resembled the long dead trees that I saw out in the wastes. But amidst all of this putrid ugliness lay the sad eyes of a man who although did not look the part was still human.Like me he too desperately longed for the life he once was able to live. Quite frankly I took pity on the poor soul. In the politest voice I could possibly muster I asked him for a cup of cold vodka. He lifted an arm up for protection.He seem relieved and a little bit surprised when he saw that I meant him no harm. Seeing that I was obviously new to the wastes he offered me a discount on all of his drinks. I thanked him and asked if he could give me any clues on where my father had gone to. He told me that he had in fact seen my father talking to the saloon owner Moriarty but he was too afraid of getting beat to listen in. I thanked him and payed for my drink.

It was not until I finally sat down to get a drink from the bartender that I finally felt the full gravity of the situation I was currently in. It almost seemed as if there was no hope for me ever returning to a normal and safe life. I had left the vault less than 2 days ago and already I had seen more corpses than any human being deserved to see. A small regretful tear slid down my dust covered face as I thought of me and my fathers well being. The wastes seemed to me at the time like an almost impossible nightmare that was soon going to be driven away by the purity of the morning light. But hell here I was getting my drinks served to me by a [censored] walking corpse. I quickly took a long drink from my dirty cup of vodka. The bitter burn of the intoxicating liquor seemed to purge away the depressing thoughts that were boiling inside of my mind.

Suddenly the shrill noise of my pip boy's alarm pulled me away from my deep thoughts. I quickly got up and started heading to the towns gate to meet Nick. As I stepped away from the counter a strangely well dressed man beckoned me over to where he was sitting. He told me his name was Mr Burke and that he had a very beneficial preposition for me.

Hey guys thanks for all the help with grammar and with my over all story.Oh and sorry for this chapters rushed ending I was really tired when I wrote it.

Hey sorry for the delay I have been extremely busy lately with school and family stuff lately! But hey here comes the next chapter! :celebration:

part 8: The corruption of the spirit

Part 9 Redemption

Even though I thought that I was making the right choice, I was still too ashamed with myself to make eye contact with any of the towns many denizens. And so there I was and the only thing separating me and the large sum of 700 caps was a makeshift catwalk. As I ascended the dusty ramp I felt a small hand reach out and tug on my arm as if to tell me to stop. I was foolishly frightened that my dark plans had been discovered and so I let out a small but audible gasp as I turned to face the cause of my worries.I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was simply a small girl.

" Teehee sorry for scaring you mister! I just wanted to say hello! Oh and is it true you are from the big hole in the ground because my daddy billy said that no one ever gets out of there and its like a big tomb! Oh and did I tell you about my daddy billy! He is a big guy and he is really nice!" Oh and sorry my name is Maggie and my daddy said I cant talk to strangers so bye!

As she left behind me I could not help but nearly start to sob at what I had almost done. Sure this town was dusty and falling apart, but how could I possibly live with the knowledge that I ended the lives of all these people just because I wanted a fancy home and some money. I was disgusted with myself I had only been in the wasteland a day and already it had started to corrupt me. But I knew in my heart that I could not allow it to. I could not allow myself to become the very evil that I had hated the most as a little kid and still hated today.
Suddenly I realized that I had totally forgotten about meeting Nick I shook my slightly less troubled head and rushed over to meet him.

Hey,

So I was up absurdly late (as you can tell by the time stamp) so I started to read your story. It's awesome that people have been helping you and even though it may seem like common sense to you it's pretty damn fantastic that you took their advice to heart so well. Your writing has improved dramatically in these two pages. If you like writing, and I assume you do, keep at it. I pretty much just use it as a dump for whatever is circling in my head...but the only way anyone ever gets better at anything is by repetition.

I had intended (after reading the first few posts) to come here and re-post one of your posts with proper grammar, punctuation, and paragraph usage, so you could see an example of how to properly implement those aspects of writing, but after reading that last entry you pretty much have it down.

The only advice I have for you then, aside from to continue writing like I already said, is to not worry too much about adding stuff. This is a fan fiction so people aren't going to get mad if you toss in new characters or locations. Ordinarily I would encourage a writer to set his or her story in a region or time frame where there wasn't much established. I'm working on stories set in Louisiana and Nevada and Old_Andy (who is pretty fantastic by the way) has set his story in D.C. only prior to the events of Fallout 3. Setting your story as the journal of your version of the Lone Wanderer sets certain limitations on your creative abilities in that people are familiar with the nearby landscape, locations, and factions...but this will allow you to take advantage of their familiarity with that world. You can always go in deeper too or solve existent problems (like Tenpenny Tower) in ways that you couldn't in game or introduce new problems.

Anyway, good luck.

P.S. I use ellipsis entirely too much, ellipsis are the .... that I used several times. This annoys lots of people but I do it to represent a pause in conversation.

P.P.S. You might want to set a tradition now (good and early) of using Italics like this to represent inner thoughts. If noone else has linked you to this yet you might want to take a look at http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/893712-so-you-think-you-can-rp/ for some general guidelines.

Part 10: The gun pointed at the head of civilization

"Damn dude!" Nick said as he got up from the bench he was sitting on. " I know you spent your entire life living in a hole underground, but out here in this oh so wonderful wasteland of ours it is generally considered a dike move to leave somebody waiting! " I mean what in the hell could possibly of have taken you so lo-" "Shut up and listen for a second!" I whispered harshly. "This guy Mr Burke wants to detonate that damn nuke in the center of town!" " Wait what?!" And how the hell did you find these out!?" Nick said his voice nothing more than a harsh whisper. I sighed heavily " I was over at Moriarty's place just getting a few drinks and I dunno I guess he saw my talon company armor and assumed I was a merc." "But look none of that matters right now!" I said with my voice slightly higher " We have to go over to the sheriff's house and tell him about the bastard Burke before it is too late!"

Even before I had properly met him, Lucas Simms seemed like a man who felt that his only true purpose in life was to protect his town and his son first and enjoy life second. But now as I told him about Burke's true intentions a change seemed to come over him. His gaze became fierce and determined as he grabbed his gun and told his boy to stay inside the house.



As Nick, Lucas and I started making our way towards Moriarty's bar I could not help but feel a sense of nervousness creeping up my spine. I quickly shook off the sensation and drew my Ak 74. Once we were all inside I noticed that although they were trying to hide it, everyone's eyes seemed to be focused on our weapons. Lucas who obviously had been through this kind of procedure before told everyone to calm down and yelled for Burke.


Even after what seemed like at the very least an hour of interrogation, Burke still denied all accusations, saying in a suprisingly calm voice that it was simply somebody spreading rumors. "Damn it Burke! Look if you wont tell me what the hell is going on heads are gonna roll!" Lucas said. " I am afraid SHERRIF it is now painfully apparent to me that you are far too stupid to grasp the obvious fact that you are wasting your time listening to rumor spreading knuckle draggers ." " Now please go and leave us much more educated people alone." " Listen here Burke!" Lucas said, his voice filled with anger " I sure as hell wont have you insulting me and MY town in front of MY people. Now shut your mouth and come with me!" " Okay sherrif lead the way". Suddenly as these words left Burkes mouth I saw him draw his pistol and fire directly at Simms back.

Sorry for the delay guys. I have been very busy with school! But I promise that the chapter will be ready before next week. Ha ha hopefully at least one of you guys is still interested in my little story!

Well done Andre c! And to all of those who gave their time to help Andre out, well done to you! Seriously it helped him big time.

All I'm gonna say is that I was a little confused when you went to dialogue, hit enter every time you start a conversation. in the first paragraph I got a little confused, but other than that keep it up! make sure you have a decent plot in your head and take your time! Don't feel the need to rush

Part 11: A little bit of wasteland justice


As soon as Burke drew his pistol I knew that I would have less than a few seconds to prevent him from causing any more damage to Lucas. Time seemed to screech to a halt as I leaped off my feet and tackled him into the dust ground. I quickly pinned him to the ground and pulled out my own handgun and aimed it directly at his head.




Now that I look back, it really should of have been easy to kill a man as evil and hardhearted as Burke. But as he lay there on the floor sobbing and looking up at me with tears in his eyes and blood running down his nose and on to his suit. I truly felt pity for this poor man. Although it was true that I had killed both raiders and talon company mercenaries before, I had never before looked at someone who was so evil yet so vulnerable. I mean the raiders were nothing more than crazed animals which had to be put down, while he was some one who could no longer do any harm to anybody else. But yet as I observed him more thoroughly I suddenly remembered the little girl, I suddenly realized that if I simply let this wretch of a man live another day that he would eventually harm some one else.Even though he did not look it, this man was much more evil than any of the raiders and also much more dangerous. I had made my decision.

Suddenly the entire saloon was quiet save for the sound of radio playing a static ridden version of Anything goes , the loud bang of my 10 millimeter and than finally, a slightly muffled and pain filled scream.

I quickly shifted my attention to Lucas who had now propped himself up against a wall and was now being helped by Nick.

"We need to get him to the doctor fast man " Said Nick as he put pressure on the wound with a dampened rag.

" Lucas where does it hurt the most?" I asked him this as I started to take off his overcoat and search for any wounds Nick may of have missed.

I pulled out my Swiss army knife and started cutting up some make shift bandages "Use these and apply pressure I am gonna go run and get the doctor."


As I was about to go Lucas grabbed my arm "listen kid today you proved to me that not every outsider is an [censored], look I need you to disarm that nuke for me."

I nodded my head in agreement and than quickly left the saloon knowing that it may very well be the last time I saw this noble man.

Well said. I need a couple hints like that for my fanfics. Hell now i've got inspiration for a second one!