Prologue

As I pulled the trigger, a hollow-point bullet was launched from my .44 Desert Eagle into his right eye. The poorly-dressed raider fell to her knees after the back of her skull was blown out. And then face fell in the sand. My dog, a female pit bull named, "Shiloh" with brown hair, except on her belly which was white came over to me. I scratched her belly and whispered, "Good girl, now follow me." She was my last link to my family.

Shiloh was my daughter's dog. When she was just a pup, my family was killed by Nightkin Remnants. In the year 2297, they still live. I walked past the dead raider and opened the door to the small store. It was a general store. "Hand's up, waster or I'm going to pump you full of lead," a man with a shot-gun barked. "Matron Lydia says I can't kill the raiders, but I can kill you."

I put my gun on one of the shelves, "I'm a friend."

"Y-y-you killed the guard?" he asked in disbelief. "Honestly?"

"She's right outside if you want to see," I sighed. "Listen, it'd probably be best if you get out of here. The raiders will be here soon and I'm getting in my Highwayman. I just came here to pick up some supplies."

He handed me a box labelled, "Inventory." "All yours," The Shopkeeper said. "Microfusion cells, ammunition, a first-aid kit, some stim-packs, even some chems."

"Thanks," I pulled out the first-aid kit, the stim-packs, clip of ammunition for my Desert Eagle and the clip for my Hunting Rifle, and the Micro-Fusion cells for my car. I walked out and installed the Micro-Fusion cells and put the rest in my trunk. I stepped into the driver's seat and turned the key. I was ready to let my mind just drift away. Ever since Samantha died, my life hasn't been the same. And since Sarah as well. Thomas Smith just isn't the same man.

Shiloh hopped in the passenger's seat and I rubbed her head. I slammed down on the gas and just let my mind wander. I thought about everything that had happened since five years ago when it happened. Out of nowhere, I hit a nightkin. A bloody nightkin. I looked out the windshield and saw something strange, animals were running. Geckos, yao-guai, dogs, they all ran. I had one question, why. I stepped out of the car and noticed it was totalled. "Shiloh," I commanded. "Get out."

She jumped out the window and ran over to me. I grabbed some ammunition, a first-aid kit, and some stimpacks and put it in my backpack. I grabbed my hunting rifle and put it in the harness I wore. There was something strange going on. I hoped my combat armor and weapons would protect me from whatever this was...

Is this pre-war ?

No. I said the year and mentioned a few mutated creatures

It's probably the Highwayman that confused him, there was a working one in Fallout 2 but not in Fallout 3.

I know, but that does mean there are highwaymen active In the Fallout d20 there was supposed to be a highwaymen prestige class (you used one for drive-bys and stuff).

Yeah the car confused me, my knowledge only specifys in fallout 3 information so i wasnt sure . I like the way the storys going, but maybe adding more detail to the creatures that were running away/after something could help paint a better picture of the situation for the reader.

I'll start off by saying this is a decent beginning to a potentially good story. My complaint would be that you get bogged down with too much detail in describing your character's gear. I know some people care about technical names for weapons, in my opinion it just distracting. It only matters when it's pertinent to the story. What's interesting to me, the reader, is what's scaring the animals, not how many stimpaks the character has or whether his combat armor will protect him. Otherwise, good job, keep it going. :mellow:

Chapter One: The Wasteland Empire

In all my years, I had never seen something as crazy as this. Two groups of ten-by-ten soldiers in T-51B power armor holding Winchester Model P94 plasma rifles and rippers. In front of them was a man in a suit of black power armor. Strangely, on the shoulders it had two mounted gun-turrets. Behind them were Chimara Tanks. A bolt of green, super-heated plasma shot right past my head. "Shiloh," I commanded. "Get in the car."

The girl pounced into the Highwaymen and darted to the driver's side. Apparently it was still working enough to go, I hoped. I couldn't handle one of these guys, much less two-hundred and five chimara tanks. I turned the key as fast as I could. No use. I did it again and again and finally it worked. "Stop, Citizen," I heard a booming voice order. It was the man in the black armor.

"We are Imperial Soldiers, you are under arrest," he announced. "Put your hands up and we will take you to Mariposa Military Base to be judged by the emperor."

I aimed at him and shot as I slammed on the gas. I was using my side-arm and I noticed it bounce off his armor. "Wave One," he barked like a drill-sergaent. At least a dozen plasma bolts whizzed past my car.

"Wave Two." A dozen plasma bolts swooshed past my car.

I was free, I think. Imperial Soldiers? Who the hell did they think they were. I rubbed Shiloh's head and whispered, "It's okay girl, we'll go to NCR for a few days. It's safe there, remember?"

She barked. If dogs had emotions, she was happy. The girl was panting away as we drove, but she licked my hand when I patted her. I heard a low-whistle, like air escaping tires. I looked out the back window and the last thing I saw was a man in T-51b Power Armor, with a ripper at his side, and a plasma rifle in hand. A Wasteland Empire soldier...

Firstly, im not sure that many soldiers would miss, otherwise thats a very lucky escape & the character maybe could show a bit more..... im not sure how to explain the emotion, relief ? he had quite a lot of soldiers firing at him and he's acting pretty calmly about it. Other than that i like the ideas

Wow, Imperial Soldiers with tanks. No wonder the Yao Gui ran. And your character. I will read on when you post it.

One of my biggest problems, is the length. It is quite short, which I usually have no problem with, except for when it written like this. Most of the time when I see something short, the next chapter is usually another setting; different time, place, or people. So when I read those, the short chapters seem to make sense, but when I read this one, it just seems that you could have combined the two in one chapter.

Well, that's just me. Others seem to have no problem with it so I wouldn't be bothered by it(even though it bothers me.) You have the occasionally error. Like in the prologue you called the guard a he, and then a she. Simple mistakes that could easily be fixed by re reading the material. The biggest one I had a problem with was the fact that you spelled chimera wrong. You put it as Chimara, which isn't even a word.

The other problem is, as Spitt pointed out, you describe with too many words. It's important to find the balance of giving the reader a good description without boring him. I'll use this as an example,


There was no need for you to say what you pulled out, you described to us what was in the inventory once already, and this you throw everything into the trunk anyway, it just bogs us down. Maybe if it read something like;

I pulled out the Micro-Fusion cells and installed them, putting the rest of the box in the trunk

I think that would be a better way to word it, but I might be wrong, I'm not perfect.

It is an interesting idea for a story, I like characters faced against overwhelming odds, so I'll keep reading this one. Keep it up.

I like the beginning haha nice story!

i thought i detected some FOd20 in this. Something about the predeveloped non FO3 character and the 'Nightkin Remnants' made me think here is one familiar with FOd20.

Also the first chapter seems like comedy as opposed to the way it started out. No offense intended but I was laughing as Imperial firepower yet again proved that "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are this accurate"

Imperial Soldiers that can't hit anything with their plasma weapons.... Har har... great Star Wars reference.

OP requested close.