From the Journal of an Ex-Slave Named Max

Hi, my name is Max. A few weeks back I found this old book with nothing written in it and thought I’d record my adventures for the Hell of it, don’t really care if anyone reads it or not. At least I’ll be able to reflect on the glory days when I’ve made my fortune and retired. Ha! That’ll be the day.

Day 1:

So I guess I better write something down huh? Well let’s see… What happened today?

I woke up in that slag pile Moriarty calls a Saloon today, the place smells like Brahmin piss in my opinion but anyway. Woke up feeling like [censored] but better then most nights out in the wastes, had one hell ’uva headache . I swear that Jericho has built up a resistance to that crap Moriarty calls Vodka, if he challenges you to a drinking game and a bet tell to [censored] off…

So I popped a Mentat to for the headache and was on my way. The other day I noticed one of those Relay Towers to the South-East of Megaton so I thought I’d give it a look and see if I can’t find anything to patch up the hole in my pocket Megaton burnt.

The trip there was pretty uneventful, a couple of molerats, pack of dogs and one of those damn bloatflies all easily dispatched with my Baseball Bat though, that made me pretty chuffed. I cut the meat off the dogs and molerat but left the bloatfly, that stuff tastes like Brahmin manure and please, don’t ask how I know…

I got close to the relay tower and saw an old Metro Station and Diner took me about half the day to get there. From the sign on the Diner I figured this place used to be called Jury Street. I searched the Diner first but the place had been picked clean ages ago. Then I heard heavy foot steps around the corner, sounded like there was three of ‘em who ever they were…

So I crouched down and wished they weren’t Slavers, I hate those pricks, or Talon Mercs. As I peered over the wall I breathed a sigh of relief, just a few Outcasts out on patrol, they’re [censored]s don’t get me wrong, but civil enough as long as you don’t piss ‘em off. I went up to them to see if they wanted to trade, not that I had anything yet. The [censored]s pretty much ignored me but if I were them I would to, they are rather intimidating in their Power Armor though. One of them made that he was about to start up his Mini gun so I took that as an invitation to leave.

So I continued up the street toward the Relay Tower, always fascinated by these things. The gate was locked but it was easy enough to pick the lock and get in. I took a quick scan around, nothing interesting, so I pulled out my mini transistor radio I traded Moira Brown for a few months back and flicked the Tower’s generator on. The old thing still worked! It powered up and I tuned my radio to find the signal, Moira told me that I could find the source of the signal when I got it from her…

I walked around for about an hour before I noticed a man hole near by so I climbed down into the sewers. There was a small tunnel that ended with a door, I opened the door and found an old Ham radio, the source of the broadcast, next to an old rotted skeleton. I couldn’t bring myself to turn off the broadcast, poor son of a [censored] died waiting for someone to help him. I had a look around found an old first aid kit, some bottles of purified water and a box of Cram. I was about to leave when I saw a switch on the wall, I flicked it and the [censored] floor opened up! Nearly took a barrel to the bloody head…

I walked down the stairs and nearly puked. There was blood every where and three bodies. Two were hanging from the ceiling by chains and the other hooked into a mattress, none of them had their heads…

By now it was almost dark out and I didn’t have enough time to make it back to Megaton. So I went up stairs and closed the floor, I then drank one of the bottles of water and the box of Cram I found earlier for dinner, not the worst meal I’ve had. I then set about making a bed of sorts, pulled some boards together and tried to get some sleep.

How is this an RP, and even still I think you should start a little bit more subtle as far as RPs, stories, RP/story hybrids.

One, you gotta get your rep up, no ones gonna join an RP hosted by a Novice.

Two, you gotta think this trough, vigorously. Make sure you have fully proofed yourself, and more importantly, make sure you make something we will enjoy (as well as yourself).

As for right now, that's all I got. I'm extremely tired.

I don't know if you know the difference between a story and a RP is, but that's okay because I'll explain them.

A role play(RP) is when a group of people get to together, to play out a story. On this forum, it will always be related to Fallout and the group of people will write of parts of the story from their character(s) perspective. The RP is governed by a game master(GM) who watches and/or participates in the RP. This is the guy that makes sure everything is running smoothly, works out problems, and makes the beginning and end of the RP. A good RP will have the plot, location, rules, sign up sheets, maps or descriptions of the locations, and perhaps a bestiary. Not all of this is necessary, but the plot, rules, and sign up are.

A fan fiction (story), on these forums, is a work of fiction based off the Fallout Universe. It acts like any other story, a writer makes out a story, beginning to end for others to read and enjoy. There's no other participants, just the writer. It could be a short story, novel, poem, song, or even a play if you so desired.

What your doing here is combing parts of both of these. That usually doesn't happen often, and it probably shouldn't. If this is a fanfic, you can get rid of the character sheet. There is no rules saying that you have to, but if you want this to be like a real story, then use the story to tell us this stuff. Not a character sheet. If this is an RP, then you can get rid of the bottom half, and add a plot and a sign up.

Assuming that this is a story, I'm going to offer some constructive criticism.

First off, lay off the swearing. I know this how he might talk, and I'll admit I curse a lot more than I should, but it distracts from the story. On these forums, swearing is blocked by a [censored] tag. It is distracting and takes away from the story. Every time I reach one of those, I have to stop and figure out what the author means, I shouldn't have to do that...So use them sparingly. There are other words you could use to replace them.

Secondly, some of your word choices are a little bit confusing, commas are missing. I would I would re read the story to help catch those errors.



As you can see, this should be breathed. It's a pretty easy catch, fixing stuff like this will make the story move more fluidly.

Your story is quite like a journal, it's not the descriptive and quite to the point. It makes an easy read and hope to look forward to more.

This is my advice, take it or leave it, I'm not perfect. Decide whether or not it's useful. Whatever you do...

...Keep Writing. :thumbsup:
-
Yttrium.

You got some solid feedback, I'll add my own.

First, I do think this should be a stand alone story you tell, and you alone. The reason for this is that in spite of some errors in the writing, you've got something going on here that other people would just mess up by adding their own 'voices'.

You write the way you talk, which has pros and cons to it. The cons are that some of your sentence construction is confusing and hard to follow, but the pro is that there is energy in your writing, and that makes your reader want to continue.

My suggestion would be to be more mindful of sentence construction, (Try reading aloud to yourself. Then you get an idea of what your writing sounds like to your reader) and slow your pace down a little. (Add some description, and your character's internal thoughts. This will allow your reader to take a breath and then continue to read.)

You've got something here. It's raw, it's hard to hear, but it's there. Keep writing. :thumbsup: